Oh Shit In a big way

[Taverner]

Sigh...where do I begin? My marriage is not the greatest right now, and the wife and I have been drifting apart over the past few years. Being the smart college educated people we are, we decided to have a kid to make thinigs better. That always works you know....

Anyway, wife and I had a big blowout tonight...and I feel completely like crap. I have no idea if this marriage is going to go anywhere good, and if it's really worth it. I have no idea if I am even the right person for her. I have no idea if she is the right person for me.

And all of my crap is starting to come home to roost.

[SarahB]

1. Hey

Not good here either. Off to bed soon, but here's one of these silly things:

:hug:

Sorry, M.

[WannaJumpMyScooter]

2. Dude. I have been there. Recently.

How long you married?
Were you friends before?
Why?
Write down all the things you enjoy together.

It always looks bad right after the fight. I spent a couple of nights away, as some will remember here. I got a lot of support, some good suggestions, and well, some not so good ones.

But, I am glad I stayed.

[Taverner]

7. Well...

Been married 5 years, been together 8

We were friends during and still are.

IT wasnt actually a fight, but just a realization that we may want two different things in the marriage...

[WannaJumpMyScooter]

12. Oh, shit.... is that all? Of course you do. Everyone does.

Men want to run around with 23 year-olds and snort coke all weekend, and... oh wait, women want that too.

Start again...

Yeah, that is a common one, and pretty easy to solve. You have to find a way that there is common ground for you two.

Tried counseling yet?

[Taverner]

13. Hmmmm how do I explain

We never started our relationship on honesty. That's where the trouble started. She had never been with anyone else besides me, and she told me differently. I had needs myself that I felt she probably wouldn't be into, so I didn't bring them up.

Fastforward to today. She said that she wants a guy who knows what he wants and is motivated to acheive those goals. I said I want a wife who at least is interested in sex. Perhaps more information than you wanted, but hell, I'm on a freakin roll. We haven't had good sex in years - usually somewhere during it I hear an "are you through yet?" She's just not into it.

She never really likes to talk much, so I haven't really talked much. She feels I'm leading a secret life, and she's right in many ways. I have friends she doesn't hang out with, friends she doesnt like etc. I also call and chat with coworkers and people on DU that I never really told her about.

I could go on, but let's just say that I've felt pushed away by her cold ness.

[WannaJumpMyScooter]

15. Very common problem, except for the part about her not

talking much. She must be holding back.

5 years is kind of early for this kind of thing, but do you think she knows there is a problem, and is she willing to work on it?

If yes, that is great.

I know, I sound like a social worker (no offense, SW people) but the less you think about how bad things are and focus on the real problems so you can find solutions, the better.

At least that worked for me. And us.

[greenbriar]

18. for women

sex is just sex. its messy, have to shower before work, so then the hair and all that jazz too which means less sleep hey 6 am is too early anyway...and feeling used cause if sex doesn't happen, we pay for it with anger, rudness and pety pissy behavior.

SEx is NOT love


for men

sex is love

[haele]

23. That's difficult...

My very tentative advice is to invest in some relationship counseling. For both you and her - as to what each of you wants and needs in a relationship. I'm sure there's something more than sex that's an issue with what you want from her, perhaps something about subliminal signals and assumptions?


I'm going to continue on with sharing something that might be rather uncomfortable for others to hear, but since I've dealt with it, I'm okay with the telling.
From what little you've indicated about her, she sounds very much like the way I was in my 20's through 30's - I was, and still am to some degree, rather cold when it comes to sex itself. And I was never abused or molested - it was a weird combination of being both one of the guys and a hopeless romantic at the same time. I've always been somewhat self-sufficient, so I've always been attracted to confident, talented men whom I wanted to like me for what I was. My greatest fear was - and still is, to some extent - that someone I trusted would try to change the essential "me" and/or take me for granted. I refused to be "mommie" to a guy I wanted spend time with. I also hate being put on a pedestal, so sometimes it can be very difficult for me to project the traditional social signals that most men expect.
I like cuddling and tend to be very sensual when it comes to touch, but going any further wasn't really comfortable to me for the most part - I couldn't seem to feel connected enough to anyone to go any further than affectionate friendship until I finally met my husband at the tender age of 42. When I finally began having "relationships" and "dating" (I was almost 30!), it was because several of my so-called friends convinced me at the time that going out with this rather nice and friendly guy would solve all my problems.
It didn't. It wasn't bad, but it wasn't much of anything else, and going all the way seemed to be too much trouble for the mess.
That's just my experience and possible insight as to part of the problem with your relationship.
If your wife is in the same mindset I was at that time, if you want to continue the relationship, you both need to come to terms with where each of you are and where you want to go as a partnership. Both you and she need to learn how to communicate, and to figure out the different ways both of you can "connect" in ways other than sex, should you and she not be able function equally at that level of intimacy at this time.
BTW, both of you need to understand that in a honest relationship, friends and co-workers don't have to become a wedge between the two of you - and won't, so long as you hold each other as "bestest friends" when considering the needs of your friends with the needs of your spouse and family. A good friend will support you and your relationship with your wife, so long as you indicate you want your relationship to last.
Remember, it doesn't mean she doesn't love you when she can't connect through sex - no more so than it means that someone that becomes disabled can't love their spouse anymore because they can't physically have sex.
From what my parents and experience have taught me, communication, consideration, and connecting (oh - and comedy-laughter is good medicine for heartache and petty quarrels) are the primary keys to a healthy married relationship.

Good luck, and I hope that this gives you a bit of insight. And I hope that you both will be able to get through this honestly, without pushing all the guilt-trap "easy out" buttons that lie before you both, to be able to find the worth in the relationship. It's so easy to just give up and leave - Lady knows I've see that happen so many times. But is that the best thing for the both of you - is it be too difficult for you both to start this relationship over with what you know of each other at this time? Because that may be what needs to happen.

[Mizmoon]

3. It's hard, I know

Mine ended in divorce ... BUT ... six years later I met and married a wonderful spouse. We're far more compatible and happy.

Listen to your heart.

Thinking of you :pals:

[Gyre]

4. You have a kid, so

you're now pretty much committed, as she should be. Unless, you want to be the kind of person who puts yourself before your kid's psychological welfare.

Getting married is pretty much like enlisting in the military, but forever. It's ok, but you just know there's something better out there for you. Well, there isn't. It's always going to be something, no matter who you're with. If you stay with her and the kid you: 1) won't have to pay child support, and 2)don't have to live with guilt. You're "right person" argument is nothing but an excuse.

Just my 2 cents. Good luck. Really!

Gyre

[SarahB]

11. Sometimes people have partners that change.

In my case after three kids, he decided to forgo his sobriety (in recovery when we met) and completely disconnect with me emotionally. He was stressed and instead of opening up and dealing with it, he made this choice. Went back and forth with his addictions for years and now he seems alright for the most part, but so many trusts were broken, my needs and feelings were so nothing, even after counseling, it's not repairable. I believed in forever too and sacrificed a lot for that dream. I know what give and take and love and sacrifice means, but I am still a young woman, should I resound myself to a life with a person I don't love who is still snappy, hostile, and possessive of me unwilling to even see it because I had children with him? I don't think so. How healthy it is it for them to see their mother sad so much of the time? I wouldn't have created these children if there wasn't trust or love. Unfortunately, my love and trust was stomped on. I didn't want any of this to happen this way.

I know Taverner well and he's been through a lot. If you don't know the circumstances and details, don't be so quick to judge.

[MrSandman]

22. That is so sad....

I hate it when partners are possesive and controlling. Counseling seldom helps that, and the other is so miserable.

[SarahB]

24. Yes, it is sad.

The warning signs were there when we first got together. I was only 18 and he was 10 years older. What I first looked at as love and protectiveness, I grew to realize was possessiveness and insecurity as I became a fully-grown woman. This is very hard. I wanted this to be forever. Now I have to start my life all over again it seems and it is I who gets treated like I'm the bad guy. I put so much on hold for the needs of my family and it's like starting from scratch here. Kind of sucks. :(

[MrSandman]

25. Be strong...

And don't underestimate yourself...It's never too late to enjoy our lives.

[qanda]

5. I hope things work out for you

My marriage has had so many ups and downs and all arounds that I could probably write a book (as most married people probably could). Lately we've been making an extra effort to spend time just embracing each other-- five minutes in the morning and five minutes at night. Sometimes we have to put our anger aside to do it, but it has been very healing for our marriage. I hope this helps.

[tandot]

6. Divorced twice...no children

but in a great relationship for two years now. There is hope...!!!

If you are in a relationship that is already not working...adding children will definately kill it...

Have a good talk with your wife, for the sake of the kid. I grew up in a home with a nasty divorce...nothing worse than that for a child.

You have to do what is right for you and the kid! A child will feel if the parents are miserable. You can't cover it up. Kids are smarter than we think. If there is no other way than to divorce, try the best to stay friends with your wife...for the sake of the child...:pals:

[flamingyouth]

8. I'm sorry for you

I can relate. I think that there is something in the air this year. I hope things settle down soon for you. :pals:

[grannylib]

9. My heart goes out to you. It is a very tough thing, marriage...it may be

made in heaven, but the maintenance work all gets done down here.
If you are serious about wanting to make it work, please consider this:
many couples who go through some counseling, even if they say they are not happy or they want to divorce, have a very different view 6 months down the road after getting some help.

Good story told by Steven Covey (7 Habits of Highly Effective People)
Guy comes up to him after a conference and says hey, I need help. I don't love my wife anymore, it's over. Covey talks to him for a while, finds out the guy feels bad about the whole situation, but is SURE it's over. Covey asked him to try one thing: go home and love your wife.
Guy says, you don't get it, I told you, I don't love her.
Covey says, no, YOU don't get it. Love is a decision. Go home, do the things you might have done when you were dating, when you did feel as though you loved her. Little notes, flowers, whatever. Treat her like you love her, and let me know what happens.
Guy gets in touch with Covey some months later, says OMG...you were so right. I started treating her with love, she responded with love, we are happier than we have ever been.

Now naturally, this is not a cure-all for everyone. But there really is a difference between BEING in love and in LOVING. And LOVING can lead to feelings of being in love, if one opens oneself to that possibility. And yeah, there sure can be 'dry spells' in the best of marriages. Going through one of them myself right now; whole bunch of shit going on: husband ill and partially disabled recently, not working; my job outsourced, making less than half of what I was; money worries up the ASS; we both lost our Dad's within the last 18 months; etc etc etc.
But we are hanging in there, and I will be praying for you and your wife and child...it's tough. Life sucks some days. Shit happens. But beauty and love and wonder and renewal happen too...sometimes they just need a little nudging to make it so.

[yvr girl]

16. this should improve the sex too

frame of mind is really important to women. You'd be amazed how loving gestures will give you credit in the bank. They don't even have to be romantic. Here's a few ideas:

-Oil Change/Wash for her car
-Bring her a coffee
-Flowers are always good, and it doesn't need to be roses, it can be tulips.
-Mail her a card
-Clean the house, or do a chore she hates
-Give her some 'me' time, take your kid out for the day
-Tell her she looks nice, smells good, etc.
-Touch her hair

[NuttyFluffers]

10. probably unhelpful drunkard advice... but

now that you've had the big blowout, how about shoot for the big emotional crying scene followed by a night, no, hell, a weekend of mad passionate sex and "couple" time going to random and spontaneous locations. waste a good several hundred $, maybe a grand, tour the city, scream at each other in the car, seethe in the lobby, screw like monkeys in the room, and go get pissed drunk and hail a cab for the opera/sports club/game/art show.

if you are at the end of a relationship might as well shoot for the moon. might find there's still some fire left, might find the most memorable way to put the lingering embers out.

go raw with emotion, what the hell d'ya gotta lose? in the immortal words of prince, "let's go crazy!"

... damn these margaritas and martinis in highball glasses sure sneak up on you... gotta fix me another....

[Kire]

14. i like that idea

[Elidor]

17. I had a friend who did that

He woke up hungover and newly-married. :evilgrin:

I find that the biggest cause of strife in relationships is two people each thinking they know what is going through the mind of the other and making decisions based on these hunches as though they were fact, with little or no real communication. If you can open up the lines of communication, a lot of problems can be dealt with and overcome. The hardest part is talking.

[NuttyFluffers]

19. and that's where the margaritas in fishbowls comes in!

damn, and they say there's no wisdom in the shicfated... ... shitfaced? yeah, that...

[AlienGirl]

20. Sad to hear that, Taverner

:hug: I remember when this sort of thing was going on between Otter and me. :cry:

Tucker

[Wapsie B]

21. I can relate to what you're going through.

Except we've had no blow up. I've had this feeling that with us it's two roomates living together, paying the bills each month. This goes way beyond lost sexual desire. There are just somethings that we just don't talk about at all and pretend that everything's alright. I'm tired of pretending.