"I'm Not Bitter" - Long Post

[CO Liberal]

This is a personal ad Mrs. CO Liberal found on the Internet. The comments in parentheses are ours.

* * * * *

In My Own Words...

I am a very laid back, down to earth person who generally enjoys life. I am honest to a fault at times and considerate of others feelings at all times. I am also very compassionate to those I feel I can help, I will help anyone at anytime. I am open to all races and ages.

(Translation: I'm desperate. Someone PLEASE love me!!!)


I am not looking for someone who is dishonest or likes to play games.

(Translation: The last woman I was involved with took all my money.)


I am looking to definitely meet someone, make connections, not interested in cyber or just chat, if you are please dont respond. Also, please be understanding that right now I dont drive, so any meeting would need to be close to me, not where I live necessarily, but close by.

(Translation: I don't have any money, and the last woman took the car, too.)


I want anyone who is interested enough and willing to meet me to feel comfortable and safe, so we will meet in public.

(Translation: She beat me up, too.)


I also wont bore you or insult your intelligence with the obvious lines or boasts about how great I am in bed, or the size of my equipment.

Translation: I'm not - it's not.)


I can however, tell you that I possess a long and wicked tongue! lol.

(Translation: It's forked.)


Those desires and ideas that are sexual are in the next part of my profile. As far as my looks go, I will try to give an accurate description:Im thirty-four, have dark blonde hair, blue eyes, high cheekbones, full lips, broad shoulders, and a slender build.

(Oh, my God - is this Ann Coulter?)


I am a Pisces, if that is of interest to anyone. I have a German, British, Irish, Scottish and French background, though primarily German.

(So when you're around me, don't bring up the war!)


I am very proud that my family tree goes back to 12 years before the pilgrims came over on the Mayflower, and there is evidence of my ancestors mentioned in the Mayflower's registry.

(Hitler's wet dream.)


I have been described by such adjectives as:good-looking, handsome, sexy, and hot. The last one makes me laugh, I honestly dont see it. I am not a conceited person, but I do believe it is healthy to have some self esteem.

(Which is a good thing, since his penis is so small...)


Those aforementioned adjectives are just how some women have described me. I consider myself a very unique and original person because I follow what I believe is right in my heart and not by what"the crowd" believes is "in". I am sure that there are alot of men on this site who are simply looking for sex, though I have a very high sex-drive please understand that I am not one of them.

(Translation: I need a Viagra.)


If you are looking for sex only and no companionship or conversation, or if you are the type of person who judges or measures another's worth by their level of education, their job, how much they earn, where they live, or what they do or dont drive then please exit my profile immediately. I have zero tolerance for such people.

(Really - I'm not bitter....)


As for some of my interests and hobbies, I like to:read, -horror/science fiction, play guitar, listen to music, anything and all categories from 70s, 80s, 90s, 2000s all kinds except rap! NO RAP!!ever!play guitar, I HAVE AN UNBRIDLED PASSION FOR GUITAR!!!I like to play almost all styles ranging from classical to metal and sometimes a mixture of the two.

(What does this mean? Itzak Perlman meets Motorhead?)


Currently, when not working I'm trying to reignite the fire I once had for playing, also trying to develop a new style of music to get away from the current rock/rap combo.. I'm Working on bringing a sense of power to music, I want to leave a lasting impact on you as a listener, something that will make you want more...hopefully will cut a groove in your mind for all time...

(Anyone remember the episode of "Friends" when Ross was working on "his music'???)


I want all my songs to be good, not just two or three that record companies con people with, into buying the album and the rest is trash. I study music, special effects, computer and otherwise, work out, watch dvds, horror, comedy, sci/fi, action, documentary. I also have an interest in acting. I'm checking into studying at an acting conservatory in Dallas next year..

(And I also want to be a fireman, a cowboy, and an astronaut.)


I like to go to movies, bookstores, DvD/cds stores, guitar center, etc. And of course the other obvious interests. <GRIN>So, if you have read this far and Ive captured your curiosity, read on...

(Please - keep reading. PLEASE!!!!!)


What I'm In Search Of...

I am seeking an intelligent, genuine, curvy, very bottom -heavy, big-bottomed or pear-shaped with wide hips BBW or SSBBW. I love fat-bottomed girls!!I want to explore every luscious curve and inch of her body!I can spend hours admiring a big-bottomed luscious BBW or SSBBW!!!

(That's three times he mentioned big butts - do we have a fetishist here??? Not that there's anything WRONG with that....)


I have an attraction to goth-women, I guess its the theatrical side of me that finds them appealing.

(Actually, they wear more make-up than I do.)


Someone who is passionate, affectionate, likes to cuddle and kiss, someone who loves to hug! hold hands, likes to wear perfume, likes to laugh, can be sarcastic and witty at times. I'm very turned-on and aroused by big-bottomed women.

(Here we go with he big butts again. Do we see a pattern developing?)


Someone who is honest, down to earth, nonmaterialistic-this is very important.

(Because I have no money, and no car...)


I cannot stand to be with a woman who is conceited or shallow or small-minded, not a game-player or heavy partier.

(It's too much competition.)


I seek a woman who is caring and nurturing.

(Mommy?)


Also, please be someone who is drug and disease free.

(Translation: I've got enough problems of my own.)


Please be single, divorced or unattached, I'm not interested in married women!!!

(Translation: The last one's husband nearly killed me.)


Please do not waste my time if you play men for:cash, material objects, plastic or cosmetic surgery, or your opinion of men in general is that they are stupid and can easily be played or conned.

(Translation: Because as I said before, I have no money, but I'm not bitter....)


If you are seeking someone to be your ultimate provider (someone who will take care of you financially) please dont waste my time!!!, not all of us were either lucky enough to be born with a silver spoon in their mouth!!!

(Translation: I'm not bitter - I SWEAR!!!)


I cant stress how much I dislike those who believe life is all about money!They are usually selfish, greedy, unfeeling, and do not live in the real world!!!To those individuals I leave this reminder:no matter how much you are worth or how much you have, you cannot take it with you when you die!!!The Egyptians, at one time the greatest most powerful civilization in the world tried it and failed!!!

(Translation: I'M NOT BITTER!!!!!)


I want someone who will accept me for who I am. Well, hopefully that just about covers it, although you never know as soon as I write this someone may come up with a new con. It seems that I am forever changing and updating my profile, since most of the women on this system, and yes I'm aware that the men do it too, either want to play games or are indecisive about whether or not they are interested, or interested in meeting. I cannot stress how much I dont like being played!!!If you want to play with something buy a game system!!

(Translation: OK - maybe I'm a LITTLE bitter...)


I am seeking a positive and very optimistic woman, If you are bi-sexual or bi-curious, thats fine with me just please dont tell me about how hot some girl that you see is, I do have feelings, I would not do that to you. Please for godsakes be a real, live person.

(Translation: My last blow-up doll sprung a leak.)


I'm seeking someone who is more of a homebody like myself.

(Because I have no money - can't you READ????)


I like to go out occasionally but not every night. I would like someone to share things with, watching a movie together, dinner, video games, walks, and would like a dating relationship at the beginning and then to see where things might lead to from there. I would like someone I could learn something from. I dont go into any meeting with expectations, I have found that when someone does it can be a very big disappointment.

(On whose account?)


There are several sides to my personality,

(Translation: Oh, no - he's either bipolar or schizophrenic - RUN!!!!)


Ive been considered complicated. Those that dont know me have no idea what I'm thinking and sometimes maybe that is a good thing.

(It must have something to do with that blank, dead stare....)


I have an intellectual side:like books, reading, movies, history, science, curious to know how things work or how to improve them. I have an artful side:music, study and play guitar one of my passions!!! culture, art of course. And finally I have a sexual/sensual side:very passionate, affectionate, like to tease and flirt, very very, high sex drive, kiss and cuddle, and I love to hug and be hugged.

(Ah - a Renaissance Man....)


I feel that foreplay is essential!!!I would rather be alone, than be with someone who does not enjoy and crave foreplay or cannot hold my interest!!

(Hence, the blow-up doll....)


There is just something about touch and closeness that feels really good. I can envision a thousand different scenarios between a man and woman, and not all are sexual. Some have to do with being verbal, or visual.

(Wait - didn't I see this guy in the park in a raincoat?)


What I will tell you next may offend some, for that I apologize. For the rest, if you are open-minded about sexual enjoyment you should appreciate. There are other things about me that those reading this might be interested in, if curious, please feel free to ask. Bonus points if you know what F. S is or like it. Also, if you enjoying riding. I am very open and understanding. So in closing, if this sounds like something you enjoy and relate to and you are serious about meeting and not into playing men, please respond and send me a message, not just an I found you interesting wink but a message. I wont usually respond to an interested wink, It can be long or short, length doesn't matter, what matters is that you took the time and effort to tell me about why you're interested. Please send e-mails if I catch your interest.. After all, one never knows where things might lead.

(But really - I'm not bitter - I'm a catch - really. A catch with no money and no car.)

[Nikia]

1. That's a pretty long personal

I suppose some sights encourage you to say a lot. Sometimes saying less is better though. I think that in his case, less would have been better.

[CO Liberal]

11. Mark Twain Said It Was Better To Say Nothing and Be Thought a Fool...

...than to say something and confirm their suspicions.

(Or something like that.)

[EstimatedProphet]

2. Why does this guy's post bother you?

If he doesn't have money or a car, at least he can write well...

[CO Liberal]

3. But He's Not Bitter

He just struck us as someone who's mad at the world.

[EstimatedProphet]

5. He probably is

He's probably been kicked around by manipulators for a long time. Happens to a lot of people.
Feh.

[Bossy Monkey]

4. We've GOT to get this guy and Romantic Mary together!

If you don't know, Romantic Mary is a person who has (or had) a site about her search for the perfect man. There are entire sites devoted to deconstructing Mary's code. Just to give you an idea, Alice lost the link, googled "Mary the Crazy Lady" and there she was. Alas, Mary appears to have gone away, but there's a link to the archive of her site on Dave Barry's blog:
http://weblog.herald.com/column/davebarry/archives/012950.html

As to Unbitter Man, I was thinking his middle name might be Wayne. (No offense, Wayne; just a News of the Weird reference).

[CO Liberal]

6. I Wish You Hadn't Mentioned That

My middle name is "Edward", same as my father. I wanted to give it to my son, but my first wife didn't like it. So we named him "Glynn Wayne".

Hope we didn't curse him.....

[EstimatedProphet]

12. I wouldn't sic Mary on anyone!

She's way over the edge! But she also was so incredibly picky about what she wanted, incredibly demanding.

[CO Liberal]

13. But She's Not Bitter

:-)

[EstimatedProphet]

14. No she's not. She's self-obsessed. n/t

[CO Liberal]

16. SOMEBODY Has to Do It!!!

:-)

[Bossy Monkey]

19. The Mary deconstructionists believed she was either a dominatrix or

just flat soliciting. I was never too concerned with finding a meaning in her ravings myself; we just thought they were hysterical.

[politicat]

21. She's still around and still single...

Changed her domain name.

http://members.aol.com/marygentle/index.htm

[CO Liberal]

23. Maybe We Can Play Cupid....

:shrug:

[politicat]

24. Her new site doesn't have all of the code words, though....

I think she's getting help for her... obsessiveness.

EOM

[politicat]

7. Oh.... that sounds like my ex. To. The. Life.

Is the ad from someone in CO?

EEK.... (And no, I didn't take him for his money... I left him after he hit me.)

Many, many days I am glad I'm out of the dating scene. That man is scary. I'd love to hear what his exes have to say about HIM.

Pcat

[CO Liberal]

9. I'm Glad to be Out of the Dating Scene, Too

And personal ads like this drive that fact home.

But I'm not bitter..... :-)

[arwalden]

8. Shame On You! Have You No Sympathy For The Lovelorn?

And... Shame on ME! I though your comments were right on target! (And HYSTERICAL!!!)

-- Allen

[CO Liberal]

10. Thanks, Allen

For "getting it".

:-)

[Wickerman]

15. Co, I have no words to tell you how offended I am that you trashed

my personal ad.

x(

[CO Liberal]

17. Oh, Lunabush....

You just made Sandie and me laugh harder than we did when we read the original ad!!!!

:-)

[Philostopher]

18. You know, the only thing I can say about this is ...

even if you'd left the paragraphs of the guy's profile out where he talks about playing guitar, I'd have known he was a musician. My first hubby was a sound engineer, and I got to know a lot of musicians. The only mistake I'd have made about him is, I'd have assumed he was a bass player -- sounds like he's actually a guitarist.

When I was just starting out as a single, I put a personal ad on AOL. I found the best way of weeding out the riff-raff was to say I'd read Proust, was agnostic and that Harry Truman was my idol. I got some really interesting guys, and had some interesting e-mailed conversations before I found someone in my area and started dating the Mr. I'd never say anything bad about any of the guys who responded to my AOL ad ... mostly because at least two of them might be DUers, since they were both pretty computer literate and progressive. And because they were actually decent guys, too, of course.

[meganmonkey]

20. and WHY was Mrs CO Liberal looking at personals?

that's the real question here!

;)

[CO Liberal]

22. It's a Source of Entertainment for Her

Yeah ... that's it - that's the ticket!!!!

:-)

[Bok_Tukalo]

25. Too funny

Critique my personal next!

[CO Liberal]

26. OK - Tell Us Where It Is

:-)

[Deja Q]

27. Well, I'm removing my ads... (not a rant)

I'm a broke, desperate, out of shape, liberal, schizophrenic, tedious, eternally bitter, guy who got taken for a ride twice too many, wears a raincoat, has a blank complicated stare, who's into renaissance...

Our society isn't about people. It's about muscles, status, charisma, and wealth.

All I have is some nice genetalia, but otherwise I'm a total loser.

[Misunderestimator]

28. What a prize!! Love your comments...

This guy could be a serial killer... wonder what he really meant with this line: "hopefully will cut a groove in your mind for all time..." :scared:

:D :bounce: Wow... great job on the "inner monologue" and thanks for the laugh!

[CO Liberal]

29. Thanks

We were a little curious about that "cut a groove" line, too....

[annonymous]

30. Very funny translation

This guy goes on for too long and reveals way too much. Personal ads can be entertaining to read at times, especially those so called "alternate lifestyle" ones. My mother once subscribed to the New York Review of Books because she found the pretentious personal ads hilarious.

[CO Liberal]

31. You Get the Feeling That After Every Dating Disaster....

...this guy adds a few more paragraphs to his profile.

[no name no slogan]

32. Too much too soon

Jeez, I thought wimmin liked a little "mystery" in their men?

Sounds like this guy is a refugee from a bad 80's "hair metal" band. You know, they recorded one CD, had an MTV hit for a week, got into booze and drugs, and now all work at the Guitar Center in the mall, so they can stay "in the business".

Reminds me of an old joke:

Not Bitter Man: "I caught my last gurlfriend in bed with my best friend".

NBM's buddy: "You bitter?"

NBM: "Yup. Bit him too."

:P

[davsand]

33. I'm gonna display my ignorance here:

What the hell is "F. S"??? He said, "Bonus points if you know what F. S is or like it." and I have NO idea what he's talking about. Can some worldly Evil DUer please enlighten me?
____

I gotta tell you, reading that ad (with your commentary) made me have a flashback to a guy I went out with a few times. My friends hated him and called him "The Worm". I saw his obit a couple of years ago, so I guess that must be an OLD ad...

:shrug:

Laura