I just got crap (about my divorce) from both parents! Ask me anything...

[eyesroll]

:eyes:

[Taverner]

1. who are they to judge?

If you don't mind me asking...

[eyesroll]

6. They're not really judging...just going into the "what ifs"

They mean well.

They've been married for 32 years, though, and there's little divorce on either side of the family -- I'm kind of the oddball right now.

[LDS Jock]

50. well you are your own person with your own marriage

Every marriage is different, impossible to compare fairly. They shouldn't do it, but don't let it get to you.

[NewJeffCT]

61. I know how you feel - a bit

I got married to the wrong woman several years back. While we were great while boyfriend/girlfriend and then as fiance/fiancee, our marriage was a disaster. Partly because we had some bad luck right after we got married and things very quickly went downhill. Luckily, we had no children and I had my house prior to our marriage, though she did her best to spend us into oblivion. (Not to say I was a perfect husband, but at least I didn't go out & buy $880 earrings when we were already falling behind on our bills...)

But, I was also the first person on my side of the family to get divorced. Nobody from my mom's side or my dad's side had ever gotten divorced. Many are pretty religious Catholics. It was very, very hard to tell my parents, but they were actually happy for me, as they saw from their perspective that things were not going well and that I was not happy. It was kind of unmentioned at our family's next Christmas gathering, and I didn't want to bring it up...

[burythehatchet]

2. Do you give yourself much crap about your divorce?

[eyesroll]

7. Nah -- I understand it's necessary

I chronicle the absurdity, though.

[ChavezSpeakstheTruth]

3. What do you want to be when you grow up?

Stay strong!

[eyesroll]

9. "I wanna be a junkie when I grow up!"

Nobody's ever said that, right?

[ChavezSpeakstheTruth]

16. Only Charlie Parker - and even HE didn't mean it

[eyesroll]

25. Anyone remember the PSA?

"Nobody ever says they want to be a junkie when they grow up."

[ChavezSpeakstheTruth]

38. "I want to be a ballerina"?

[ScreamingMeemie]

4. Literal crap...or figurative?

I mean they weren't actually throwing feces were they?


:hug: :hug: :hug: It's hard for parents to be on the outside looking in sometimes. I'm so sorry eyes....

[eyesroll]

10. Figurative...

Thank god. :D

And, yeah, I know they mean well. Still. I'm not used to having my parents second-guess my decisions.

[Fenris]

5. Is this because of the non-traditional manner of the divorce?

You are better off without a lawyer. I cannot stress that enough, Stacie.

:hug:

[eyesroll]

11. Actually -- they're OK with that now.

My mom, after I told her that it seems most of my friends are making the "divorce or have babies" decisions these days: "Well, I wish you'd gone the baby route." (I asked her if she'd prefer we'd had babies to rock-paper-scissors over, too...)

My dad just went into issues of timing, oscillating between "we should have done this sooner" and "maybe we should think this through more."

[Fenris]

17. You are far better off doing this now and sans les enfants.

If you ever want to swear yourself off of serious relationships, sit in on a mediation between a couple with kids sometime.:scared:

[flamingyouth]

18. Oh gods, she didn't bring up having babies, did she?

Worst. Thing. To. Say. Ever. At this point in time. :eyes:

[eyesroll]

20. Well, to be fair, I brought up babies, in the abstract.

She brought them up in the particular. I did a pretty good job of setting the boundary on that, though.

[flamingyouth]

22. I had a disturbing, similar conversation last night

I'll PM you the details. :(

[flamingyouth]

8. I'm sorry, love

No questions, just a :hug: and support. :loveya:

[eyesroll]

13. Thanks, Lisa.

:hug:

It's really minor crap, but it's still bugging me. I see them tomorrow; hopefully that'll help some.

[flamingyouth]

15. Face to face is often easier

Crap is much easier to fling over the phone, I've found (take this from a former catalog operator). Once you sit down with them, I'm sure things will be better.

[Ellen Forradalom]

12. Did you tell them MYOB?

I'm with ya. I have a divorce on my curriculum vitae, too.

[eyesroll]

19. I did have the "look, there are some things I will discuss with you,

and some things I won't" discussion.

They seem to be uncomfortable with the fact that my soon-to-be-ex and I are determined to remain friends (or, at least spar incessantly on DU) through this. I think they believe that people shouldn't divorce unless they hate each other.

[SarahB]

14. Sorry about that.

I got crap too. I talked to my dad and his response was, "You should wait longer." (And some other BS about not needing happiness or love to function in a marriage or something-- uh, sure, tried that for six years now and can safely say it doesn't work.) My mom knows and won't talk about it. They have both been divorced TWICE and from each other. Most people in my family have been divorced at least once, but somehow, I still get to be "the bad guy". :eyes:

[eyesroll]

23. My mom doesn't like to talk about it, either

She got together with my best-friend-from-kindergarten's mom last weekend. I know that my friend told her mom prior to their get-together. They danced around that all night, and instead fixated on the fact that my friend's brother is no longer dating the lovely young woman they wanted as a daughter-in-law (it's because he's gay, but I don't think they know that or are willing to acknowledge that if they do know).

[LeighAnn]

21. It was Gay Marriage, wasn't it?

You'd still be in a healthy, stable relationship right now if it wasn't for gays getting married in Massachussettes and what-not, right?

Sorry, you said ask you anything.

[eyesroll]

24. Damn activist judges.

Destroying the sanctity and all that. :D

[DS1]

26. Would it be inconsiderate or otherwise ironic to suggest to them

that you're just trying to fit in with society?

[eyesroll]

28. I'll try that! Thanks!

:D

[JimmyJazz]

27. I know I have never officially posted on one of your threads, but

I am familiar with your recent history - BTW - Bank guy, for the record: way out of line. Anyway, you are not here to live through your parents. You and Al have been very adult about your divorce -- it wasn't working out and you have no children, so the decision is yours and yours alone.

You are so comfortable with who you are, why are you letting them get to you at this point? That's a question for you to answer, not for me to hear. They'll get over it, they're just being parents. That's what parents do no matter how old you are: they bitch, moan, gripe and generally interfere - it's their way of saying "I love you."

Face it, no matter how old you get, you will always be a child in the eyes of your parents. It sucks, but it's true.

:hug:

[eyesroll]

29. Well, yeah...

The way I don't let them get to me is that I vent about it here, and then I feel better. :D

It's really minor in the grand scheme of things, I know that -- but, hey, we all need something to bitch about.

[barb162]

31. no matter how old you get, you will always be a child ....

how true

[eyesroll]

34. It's just kind of weird for me, since I've been a little adult since I was

a baby, and they've pretty well treated me as such.

But, yeah, it makes sense.

[barb162]

40. when I told my mother I was getting a divorce, she just looked at

me and said "I never liked him anyway." I gotta laugh now as she was being SO DAMNED supportive, knew the last thing I needed was an argument or the old "what will the relatives think" line.

In any case, you have to do what you have to do, right? RIGHT!

GOOD LUCK. I would try to say things to you like don't let the divorce process consume you, etc., but I wish I could have followed these words myself back when I was going through it. Way easier said than done.

[Wcross]

30. Do whats best for you.

Your happiness outweighs other peoples opinions. YOU have to live your life as you see fit, not as others think you should.

[eyesroll]

35. Thanks , Wcross.

[Wcross]

46. No thanks needed- You just take care of yourself ..

Its a tough spot to be in but never go against your gut feelings. Move on with your life regardless of the windbags that try to cast doubt on your decisions. Your friends and family will still be friends and family ten years from now. You can afford to lose the others.

Good luck in the future, I wish you the happiness you deserve.

[Pithlet]

32. I went through that.

My mom was overjoyed, but my father liked my ex, and kind of guilt tripped me a little bit.

:hug:

[eyesroll]

36. My parents like him well enough

I do get the impression that my mom, at least, is seeing divorce as some sort of foreign thing that other people do.

[tigereye]

55. i think that is pretty common for parents who have little

experience with divorce. It is very foreign to them - and I think those from a different age ( say, my parents who were born in the 20s- 30), have very little understanding of why people get divorced unless there is violence involved, etc. I think sometimes parents forget that we are adults - they still want to protect us from ourselves. :)

[slackmaster]

33. You're fortunate to have both parents alive

I'm down my real father who was troubled and a stepfather who was a really great man.

[eyesroll]

37. Very true.

I know, in the grand scheme of things, they love me and respect my decisions...still...

[RetroLounge]

39. They just want what all parents want, you know.

Their children's happiness. Once they see that this makes you happy, they will be fine.

I believe when I announced my impending divorce, my dad said something along the lines of "About time, I never liked that mouthy b*tch." Oh, wait, was that my Grandma who said that? Or was it my Brother? or my Uncle? Or the mailman? Or that guy at the gas station? Oh, maybe it was my girl friend at the time? anyhow...

All I know is that much happiness has come my way since.

May it be so for you, and Hedges too.

RL

[eyesroll]

42. Well, yeah, with a small addendum--

They're both Jewish, from a long line of Jewish parents. Right now, they want to see that I am sufficiently miserable, because if I am not falling apart in their arms, I am hiding something. (OK, that's a slight exaggeration.)

I've never, ever been a "cry in front of my parents" person, unless I did something horrible that let them down and I got the lecture (and it's been since high school that I got that particular lecture).

[RetroLounge]

45. My ex was Jewish, as were her parents

Probably still are, for that matter. Actually, quite a few of my ex's were Jewish. I was made an honorary member of the tribe for a while.

I miss my ex-mom-in-law sometimes. That woman could cook up a storm. Oy vey! And it's been 15 years almost since I've seen them. Christ, they must be old now...

RL

[Kat45]

41. Sorry, Stacie. Are they glad you're keeping Olive and Logos?

Are they their grand-birds, or do they not like them?

[eyesroll]

43. They're kind of neutral -- they like the birds, but they don't quite "get"

birds. They're not in the same league as cats and dogs, to them.

They do think it's weird that I've made it very clear that Hedges gets visitation, and that the birds will be willed to him. ("So you're going to see each other after you're divorced?" "Um, yeah, that's the plan.")

[Kat45]

48. My ex- and I have a similar arrangement re: our birds.

We weren't married, but we were together for 13 years. We had four birds, and each got two. He and I are still good friends and hang out together a lot, and my mother, who I'm sure wishes we'd gotten married, just doesn't get the fact that you can enjoy each other as friends yet not be suitable as a couple. :shrug:

Anyhoo, I have "visitation rights" and go visit the birds when I can. And though neither of us have wills, we have each agreed to care for the other's birds in the event the person can no longer do so (death, illness, etc.).

So you guys aren't the only ones with that kind of plan. But come to think of it, a lot of people think I'm weird for doing this too. :-)

[grannylib]

44. Are you doing OK? Sending you happy peaceful thoughts.

[eyesroll]

47. Doing OK, thanks.

:hi:

[Beware the Beast Man]

49. You too?

My life sucks too. I concur, since my life sucks. Me too.
:cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry: :cry:

Not really, though. I feel quite dandy. Have a hug :hug:

[eyesroll]

51. I WANT MY VIOLINS, DAMMIT!

:nopity:

[Beware the Beast Man]

52. Then violins you shall have----in tenfold-

"Iiiiiiiiii look at all the lonely people...."

:bounce:

[Pale Blue Dot]

53. When I told my parents about the divorce

I told them that it was final, and that I wasn't going to discuss the reasons for the divorce. My father tried to find a way to ask once or twice, but I blew it off and soon he had given up.

I LIVE with my parents now, though, and I do get the occasional snide comment. And I do believe that they secretly hope we will get back together.

I know it's tough, believe me. PM me if you need to talk. :hug:

[eyesroll]

54. Thanks, Finnfan.

I've discussed some reasons (the ones easily quantified in neat packages), and declared the rest off-limits. They're not really focusing on reasons, which is nice -- again, it's more "what-ifs."

[the Princess]

56. Who cares????

I get shit all the time from my parents about how we live our life - and I don't care. It's my life and I am too damn old to care what mommy and dady think. Let it roll off your back - it's your life. LIVE IT! :)

[eyesroll]

59. Well, because it's just not that easy

I've been OK with the "are you sure you don't need us to come up there?" crap and the "really, I think you need expensive lawyers" crap, because those are in-the-instant decisions.

But...when I'm under a lot of stress, I really don't feel like getting pummeled with the "I wish you'd done X, Y, and Z over the last six years" crap. I have two choices -- defend decisions I made during the Clinton administration, or tell my parents to MYOB, both of which lead to more questions. It's mentally exhausting, either way.

[GOPisEvil]

57. Hey...you could have killed him...

I'm just sayin'...

[the Princess]

58. Really good point! :)

[eyesroll]

60. Touche.

But then I suppose I'd be getting questions about whether I'd be entitled to all of the house's equity, from prison, what being a widow and all...

[Bridget Burke]

65. Spoken like a true Texan!

Of course, divorce lawyers can make the guy wish he was dead.

We have a more sane & reasonable situation here, I believe.

[Wat_Tyler]

62. Tell them you're developing a smack habit.

They'll shut up about the divorce then.

[eyesroll]

63. Then they'd just stage an intervention.

And try to move in with me. That would be far, far worse.

Maybe I should just get pregnant by a one-night-stand. Then my mom would get her grandbaby and my dad would know that, regardless of the amount of thought/back and forth/etc. he believes we put into the decision, that there really is no going back now.

[Wat_Tyler]

64. If you were thirteen, now would be a great time to run away from home.

[eyesroll]

66. Hm...yeah, if I was 13 and divorcing...

:D

[Magrittes Pipe]

67. But... but....

I thought you DIDN'T want to move to Ohio.

You mean this is all for nothing? :cry:

[eyesroll]

68. Hey. I thought it was 16 in Ohio.

[Magrittes Pipe]

71. The devil's in the details.

[Ilsa]

69. Good luck; I hope

they'll start being more supportive about your decisions soon. Divorce is tough enough without family giving you grief.

How about having a "lay it all out" session? One in which they can voice all of their concerns at one time, then you can either address them or ignore them. Then the rule is that there is no more discussion, only support in your decion-making.

[eyesroll]

70. Thanks, Ilsa.

My family doesn't ever abide by "no more discussion," so I don't think that would be workable. And, for the most part, they are supportive -- I think, because we hadn't really discussed our problems with them, they think it's way more sudden than it actually is.

[No2W2004]

72. My dirvorce was different,

My parents not only supported me, but wondered what the hell took me so long. We do have 2 kids, and it made things really hard, but my divorce was necessary for my sanity.

Besides, things have worked out VERY nicely for me! ;)

I'm happy for you two that you're not getting lawyers involved. That also makes things worse. (the adversarial nature of it all)

In my opinion, you two are doing it excactly the right way, and your parents will see that.

[eyesroll]

73. Thanks, No2.

Again, it's not that they're not supportive...I'm just not used to this, from them.

[redqueen]

74. So, apart from that, are you having a good morning?

:hi:

[eyesroll]

75. Yes, thanks.

:hi:

I'm feeling better now.

[Phillycat]

76. You did say "ask you anything". Here's a real personal one.

Why are you guys getting divorced? You both have great senses of humor, your interaction here is playful and clever. You are obviously friends and are handling this situation in such a way that you clearly don't want to hurt one another. You're old enough that I doubt you got married before you knew one another. Is there something so irreconcilable that it just has to be done?

I know this is a really personal question, but I've found that my and my partner's respective ability to see the humor in absurd situations has saved my relationships more than once. I think that is the single most important quality a couple can have.

[eyesroll]

77. We're divorcing to save the friendship.

In a weird sort of way, anyway...

[Wat_Tyler]

78. They're divorcing because Hedges wants to move to Sverdlovsk

to raise Siberian Ptarmigans and Eyesroll doesn't.

[eyesroll]

79. I like your explanation better.

[Wat_Tyler]

80. It's all about the Ptarmigan.

[MsAnthropy]

81. Get used to it

My mother asked me if I was getting back with him every time she saw me for TEN YEARS!!!