Gender role expectations in marriage

[Nikia]

We have a good male friend who has been unemployed for a while. His wife hasn't been very nice to him because of this. My husband is also out of work but I to be supportive. It occurred to me that part of the difference might be because of different expectations when we married. When I was growing up, I never assumed that my future husband would be the primary financial provider. I never assumed that having children, not having outside employment, and taking care of the housework was ever something that I hoped for when I married. I didn't think that it was more of his duty to work than it was for me. My friend's wife never had any career aspirations, married young, had children by choice right away, and insisted on staying at home. My friend was expected to work to provide for his family. She did not work until he moved and could not get a high paying job. Now she looks down on him for not being the provider. I am not saying it is all her fault as she didn't hide her gender expectations when they married.
Also, my husbands parents are giving him a hard time about being unemployed and about how he has a duty to support his wife. They also think it is mainly my responsibility to keep the house clean and other household duties. If he can get a job making what I make, they want us to move so he can have gainful employment, as if his employment is more important than my employment.
I suppose that his parents came out of a different era. They are in their early 60s. Our friends are in their 30s. We are in our 20's.
Do many young men expect to be the primary economic provider in marriage? Do many young women still aspire to be primarily responsible for raising children and household duties? Do many people still consider male employment to be more important than female employment if the people are married?

[skooooo]

1. Is he trying to find a job??

Of course if he's not trying, she has a reason for being unhappy with him.

[Nikia]

3. He's trying

He has applied to over 80 different places, which is a lot considering the area where we live. They are committed to staying where they are for the sake of their children, as well as owning their own home. He probably would have a better chance is he changed his appearance, but I don't think she is advocating that either.

[Hog lover]

2. Yes, these expectations do exist in full strength.

I wonder if there are any studies showing the prevalence of these attitudes along party lines. My guess would be that Republicans, and especially fundy Republicans, would be strongly in that group, but Democrats would be less likely to hold those beliefs.

I realize this is in the Lounge, but still, that was my first thought.

On a Lounge level - stand up for yourself and encourage your female friends to do the same. I have seen a lot of these dependent women just ruined when the husband decides to get a divorce after years of marriage and the wife staying at home. Then, Hubby says the Wife was lazy and contributed nothing to the marriage - never mind Wife was basically a full-time servant to him. Just don't get me started, and don't fall for it!

[Nikia]

4. That reminds me of my husband's ex boss actually

His business has failed. It had been for a while. His wife has a Master's degree in counseling. They have 2 young children. Despite the fact that they'd be better off financially if she worked instead, they believe that it is "Christian" for fathers to work and mothers of children, especially young children, to stay with the children. I see the point about Republicans and Fundies. I would think it would be less common for people my age and younger than older people still.
I see your point about encouraging women to work for their personal security. Even in situations where the man does make enough money to support his family, I think that it can be dangerous to be so dependent on one person.

[SarahB]

5. Traditional roles offer nothing for women.

I never "intended" for my life to follow this path (I always had goals beyond just that of wife and mother), but this has been the unfortunate case in my adult life. I thought I married a man who was egalitarian and respected women as people, but when it came down to it, me putting my career stuff on hold to have children (I always did something at least part time- either school or work, but not enough to get very ahead) ended with having no choice but to stay with someone I didn't want to be with for years largely due to his bad choices after three children were already brought into this world and hard financial realities. Whenever I thought it could be better, I was always let down again. I've had it now and trying to get out of this is very hard now. I spent too many years putting my every need and aspiration aside to take care of the children and be supportive for him. No matter what happened with us personally or what he did, he has a nice career going and I don't yet.

My advice for any young woman- trust no one and get a marketable degree and at least stay part time when you have children. You never know what is going to happen in life, so be prepared.

[greyfox]

6. I am old school

and the man (husband) so let me just share that it is degrading and pitiful when a man cannot provide for his family and the wife must work. And, I know, because I have DDD (deteriorative disc disease) that has put me in a wheelchair most of the time and, suddenly, 10 years ago my provider role was gone by doctor's orders. My wife has always worked, but would love to stay home - well, she did not work for 2 years of our marriage, but the rest she has worked. BUT, she has never once complained one iota and, for that, I am blessed and thankful. But, gals, it hurts... really bad... when a man is down and cannot get up... so... if he is trying, bear with him.

My 2 cents worth. I hate it; but my body no longer lets me do the things I used to do. Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr.