My Love Letter to Canada

[KurtNYC]

Dear Canada,

With all the talk about Kerry winning, do you think I have forgotten you? Of course not my Love! It is not who sits (or does not sit) in the White House that makes you so attractive to me.

Your world's-largest-supply-of-fresh-water bekons to me. Let me run north and drink the sweet maple syrup from your shimmering Stanley Cup (or some Tim Horton's coffee). Your oil exporting ways excite me still. Your long romantic nights, your beer which actually tastes like, well, beer instead of soda water. Your comedians, game show hosts and Winter Olympic athletes ever sexy in their Roots attire. Go ahead -- put a "u" in 'color', call the last letter of the alphabet 'zed' -- you big tease.

Let me check DU from my Blackberry while you pump your abundant flu vaccine into my arm. Your call is like the sirens' song of the Odyssey (a "50,000 watt blow torch" btw). I will swim, run or fly to you and live forever in your snowy embrace! Glorious and free.

XOXO

Love,
-Kurt

[Wat_Tyler]

1. LOL!

Very good, Kurt.

[baldguy]

2. Please don't hate us, Canada.

We're not all arrogant douchebags. Only very few of us are.

[Lautremont]

3. I'm getting an image of Bugs Bunny in drag,

batting his eyelashes. Very sweet!

[pagerbear]

7. Oh, so you've met Kurt?

Just kidding, of course! He's actually quite a cutie!
:bounce:

[LibertyorDeath]

4. Tim Horton's coffee opiate of the masses

Is it just me or is it Hot in here :)

[baldguy]

6. They spike it with nicotine

That's the rumour, anyway

[yvr girl]

5. Speaking for the whole country...

My, my, my - we had no idea you felt that way. We're truly touched. Although, I think that perhaps you are enamoured with our natural resources, and not us. You need to prove yourself.

Stand, face to the wind, in January at Portage and Main. Do the Grind in under an hour. Learn our anthem in both official languages. Then we'll talk.

--- About the water thing, the following is being shown on the CBC this week:

H2O - Paul Gross (Men in Brooms) stars in this tense two-part drama that boasts an exceptionally intriguing premise. With forecasts warning of worldwide water shortages within the next 50 years, international corporations of the Bechtel ilk have already started pursuing profits from the privatization of wate; with Canada holding 20% of the world's fresh water supply, the Great White North stands to be a major player when the wet stuff becomes scarce....

[KurtNYC]

9. Je parle francais aussi

although separately from english
with my cheeks as red as the
Canadian flag, I will stand on
your wind blown street corner
singing for my poutine.

séparé de l'anglais,
avec le visage aussi rouge que le drapeau
je me tiendrai sur le votre
coin venteux de rue
chant pour mon poutine.

[yvr girl]

12. Very impressive

So did you know the reference, or did you have to google Portage and Main?

Singing for your supper, eh. Poutine is not heart smart. Question, can you paddle a canoe and make bannock over an open fire?

[Phillycat]

8. Locking.

NO SEX THREADS.

:evilgrin:

[yvr girl]

11. Sex Thread??

Is it in code? Pass me the translator, please.

[miss_kitty]

10. An Apology to Americans, on behalf of Canadians, 2002

From 'This Hour has 22 Minutes'
By Reporter 'Anthony St. George' (Performed by Colin Mochrie)

"Hello. I'm Anthony St. George on location here in Washington.

On behalf of Canadians everywhere I'd like to offer an apology to the United States of America. We haven't been getting along very well recently and for that, I am truly sorry. I'm sorry we called George Bush a moron. He is a moron, but it wasn't nice of us to point it out. If it's any consolation, the fact that he's a moron shouldn't reflect poorly on the people of America. After all, it's not like you actually elected him.

I'm sorry about our softwood lumber. Just because we have more trees than you, doesn't give us the right to sell you lumber that's cheaper and better than your own. It would be like if, well, say you had ten times the television audience we did and you flood our market with great shows, cheaper than we could produce. I know you'd never do that.

I'm sorry we beat you in Olympic hockey. In our defence I guess our excuse would be that our team was much, much, much, much better than yours. As word of apology, please accept all of our NHL teams which, one by one, are going out of business and moving to your fine country.

I'm sorry about our waffling on Iraq. I mean, when you're going up against a crazed dictator, you want to have your friends by your side. I realize it took more than two years before you guys pitched in against Hitler, but that was different. Everyone knew he had weapons.

I'm sorry we burnt down your White House during the War of 1812. I see you've rebuilt it! It's very nice.

I'm sorry for Alan Thicke, Shania Twain, Celine Dion, Loverboy, that song from Sheriff that ends with a really high-pitched long note. Your beer. I know we had nothing to do with your beer, but we feel your pain.

And finally on behalf of all Canadians, I'm sorry that we're constantly apologizing for things in a passive-aggressive way which is really a thinly veiled criticism. I sincerely hope that you're not upset over this. Because we've seen what you do to countries you get upset with.

For 22 minutes, I'm Anthony St. George, and I'm sorry."

Comedy Gold, IMHO