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A little gallows humor from my good friends Bud and Noah:
Bud and Noah’s list of 101 good things about a Bush victory…
1)Jon Stewart won’t even have to try.
2)Circumvents the obvious and inevitable “Edwards’ sex scandal.”
3)How many contracts can Halliburton get? Oh, all of them? Really?
4)Iran realizes, “Man, those Americans are fucking crazy.”
5)Hillary vs. Arnold will draw highest ratings of any campaign ever in 2008. Voter turnout will still be 52%.
6)That much closer to “The Rapture.”
7)Unexplained night disappearances can help maintain population growth and ‘uppity-ness’.
8)More hilarious glimpses of rare Bush press conferences.
9)High chance of a ‘hunting accident’ involving a supreme justice or cabinet member in attendance with Cheney.
10)Bill O’Reilly won’t have anything to say because everyone has finally been shut up.
11)Gays will be permitted to marry, but not to other people who are gay.
12)Christian Scientist will now be the preferred religion because of their cost effective medical plan - not believing in medicine.
13)We do know that terrorists won’t try to attack the World Trade Towers again.
14)Jesus finally gets chance to debate Darwin in public schools.
15)We get to hear Europe say, “I remember when we were that bad.”
16)Reasonable chance that we’ll have video of Cheney’s next heart attack.
17)Wal-Mart will now sell us the air we breathe.
18)Katherine Harris just keeps making her way up the ladder, and into our hearts.
19)Ashcroft can search for more statues to cover. Cover up those icky, icky boobies!
20)Ohio is the new Florida. But even stupider.
21)Bush will finally have to clean up his own mess. Just kidding.
22)Three more movie ideas for Michael Moore.
23)We can start researching alternative fuel sources. Like a car that runs on logs.
24)We finally see the benefits of one-party rule.
25)It’s a heck of a lot easier when you’re the dictator.
26)Bush is unlikely to replace more than four members of the Supreme Court.
27)Bush might just declare war on the countries we owe money to.
28)Bill Maher gets four more years of winging it.
29)Bush can finally get his stationary monogrammed with, “George W. Bush – War President.”
30)Democrats can get back to being the socialists they know they want to be.
31)Osama Bin Laden doesn’t get the guy he wanted to be president (wink, wink).
32)Let’s see what this Patriot Act can really do! Vroom! Vroom!
33)Karl Rove has earned his child-a-day habit.
34)We’ll have a truer comparison to Nixon for future historians to use.
35)Abu Ghraib-themed S&M clubs are popping up across America.
36)We get to keep our bibles.
37)Turning their backs on the gays will surely fuck the Republicans in the end.
38)Four more years for Bush to say he’s done something wrong.
39)It’s not often you get a front row seat for the fall of an empire.
40)Time to get used to ‘Amerika’ spelling.
41)Osama said he wouldn’t attack blue states.
42)Scott McClellan is perfecting his lying.
43)Dick Cheney makes people miss Dan Quayle.
44)When sodomy is illegal again it will feel even naughtier.
45)“High Moral Values” is code for “I Hate Fags.”
46)Four more years of that sexy, funny Donald Rumsfeld.
47)We get to watch the Bush girls grow up… and fight their inevitable addictions.
48)Fool me twice, and you still won’t get fooled again.
49)Easier to see the forest without so many trees.
50)We’ve all learned again that fear mongering and distortion are still the best way to win anything.
51)We can rest assured that President Bush will not hesitate to put a retarded terrorist to death.
52)“NASCAR Dads” will be replaced with more accurate moniker, “Racist Dads.”
53)The big scandals always break in the 2nd term.
54)A hanger, cotton swabs, and rubbing alcohol will be sold as a kit in the health isle.
55)Moral values truly will have more significance and make more of a difference than Terror, Iraq, or the Economy.
56)We no longer have to waste brain-power making decisions for ourselves.
57)Can we consider term-limits for pundits?
58)Bush will destroy ‘smart bombs’ out of jealousy.
59)Chastity finally gets chance to debate Condoms in public schools.
60)The intelligent people will be easier to find when they all live in seven states.
61)Satan’s presence in the White House is final proof of God.
62)We can finally get rid of those pesky scientists and their damn dog!
63)Even inner-children will be left behind.
64)Right is Right!
65)GM is coming out with a new, compact Hummer.
66)Ketchup is finally de-politicized.
67)War-Time becomes synonymous with Party-Time, Go-Time, and Miller Time.
68)House of Representatives will be outsourced to India.
69)<? if ($voter == 'D') {$voter == 'R'} ?>
70)Who needs stem cells when you can be healed by Jesus?
71)We can tell the minorities where they hid the polling stations now.
72)Cheney will finally meet Edwards.
73)Osama is bound to die sooner or later. Nobody lives forever.
74)The Office of the President will officially be known as the Principles’ Office.
75)It’s the Morality Stupid!
76)Your daughter will have to check-in before having an abortion.
77)The weakest among us suck and should just stay home and watch cartoons.
78)Sets the stage for the failed presidency of George P. Bush in 2018.
79)Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me!
80)Diebold has time to perfect the voting machines so that it won’t be so close next time.
81)Churches haven’t been this powerful since the Inquisition.
82)At least we now know the media is fictional.
83)Democratic procedures and principles sure are annoying and a total waste of time.
84)The UN can suck my cock!
85)The 1950s was a good decade. We should not forget that.
86)Pictures describing things will replace English as our first language.
87)With no election to plan, Karl Rove visits schools on his “Abstinence is Easy the Rove Way” tour.
88)We’re getting so much better at Middle Eastern geography.
89)A mandate is a date you get with Anne Coulter.
90)Corporate corruption is not a crime.
91)We can watch Dennis Miller’s slow, painfully steady descent toward madness.
92)“America the Beautiful” will be replaced with “America the Brutal.”
93)“Mas Macho” is the new global litmus test.
94)Al Franken gets time to perfect his Cheney impression.
95)Human beings and fish are just now beginning to co-exist.
96)All Your Base Are Belong To U.S.
97)New numbers will be invented to describe the deficit.
98)We can finally get rid of cops because it’s far safer to police yourself.
99)Iraq will finally get the chance to vote for it's own theocracy.
100)Gas can’t go any higher than this. Oh, actually it can. My bad.
101)At least we won’t DIE from making the wrong choice at the polls.
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