We Need a JOKE THREAD!!!!

[CO Liberal]

There was a man who was dating a woman named Lorraine. Once day, a young woman named Clearly moved in to the apartment across the hall. He thought Clearly was very beautiful and wanted to date her, but didn't out of loyalty to Lorraine.

One day, he and Lorraine were walking along the banks of the river that flowed through their town. The ground was soft from a heavy rain the night before. Suddenly, the ground beneath Lorraine's feet gave way - she fell into the river and was quickly washed downstream.

When the man realized what had happened, he started singing:

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(wait for it)

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(here it comes)

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(not much longer now)

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"I can see Clearly now, Lorraine is gone...."

:-)

[TlalocW]

1. Mine

What's the difference between a Rolling Stone and a Scotsman?

A Rolling Stone says, "Hey, you, get off of my cloud!"
A Scotsman says, "Hey, McCloud, get off of my ewe!"

TlalocW

[bif]

6. Why do Scotsmen wear kilts?

Because sheep can hear the sound of a zipper from a hundred yards.

[Mr_Spock]

18. HAHAHAHA!!!

I gotta tell the Scotsman I know that one!

[pagerbear]

2. The anticipation far exceeded the actual event

...or punch line, as it were.

[CO Liberal]

3. They Can't ALL Be Gems....

:shrug:

[Chovexani]

4. Hey wanna hear a pirate joke?

It's a really bad one too! :D

A pirate walks into a bar. He has a wooden leg, a hook for a hand, and a patch over his eye.

The bartender asks him, "How did you lose the leg?"

"Arrr bitten off by a shark near Madagascar."

Bartender says "How about the hook?"

"Arrr got it caught in the main sail."

Bartender "What about the eye?"

"Arrr I didn't lose the eye I am just blind."

Bartender "Oh....how did that happen?"

"Arrr I had just gotten off the ship and a bird shat in my eye."

Bartender "Well that won't make you blind."

"Arrr that was the day I got the hook."


:D

[mac56]

8. Pirate walks into a bar.

He's got a captain's wheel stuffed down the front of his pants.

Bartender says, "Did you know there's a captain's wheel stuffed down the front of your pants?"

Pirate replies, "Yarrrrrr, and it's drivin' me nuts!"

[Chovexani]

9. Why did the pirate go on vacation?

He needed some ARRRR and ARRRR!

I'll be here all week folks! :hi:

[mac56]

14. A pirate captain and his crew were in danger

of being boarded by another ship. As the crew became frantic, the captain bellowed to his First Mate, "Yarrrr, bring me my red shirt!"

The First Mate quickly retrieved the captain's red shirt, which the captain put on and led the crew to battle the pirate boarding party. Although some casualties occurred among the crew, the pirates were repelled.

Later that day, the lookout screamed that there were two enemy vessels sending boarding parties. The crew cowered in fear, but calm as ever, the captain bellowed, "Yarrrr, bring me my red shirt!"

Once again the battle was on. The captain and crew repelled both boarding parties, though more casualties occurred.

Weary from the battles, the men sat around on deck that night recounting the day's occurrences. The First Mate looked to the captain and asked, "Sir, why did you call for your red shirt before the battle?"

The captain exhorted, "Yarrrr, if I be wounded in battle, the red shirt does not show the wound, so you men will continue to fight unafraid." The men sat in silence, marveling at the courage of such a man.

As dawn came the next morning, the lookout screamed that there were enemy ships, ten of them, all with boarding parties on their way. The men became silent and looked to the captain, their leader, for the command.

Calm as ever, the captain bellowed, "Yarrrr, bring me my brown pants!"

[stranger_with_candy]

5. Teacher Arrested

At New York's Kennedy Airport today, an individual later discovered to
be a public school teacher was arrested trying to board a flight while in
possession of a ruler, a protractor, a set square, a slide rule, and a
calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General John Ashcroft said he
believes the man is a member of the notorious
al-gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons
of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult, " Ashcroft said. "They desire average
solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a
search of absolute value.

They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as
'unknowns' but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of
the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek
philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle'
"

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had
wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given
us more fingers and toes."

[bloodyjack]

7. ok but you've probably heard this one

A boy wants a car from his dad, dad says "first you've got to cut that hair."

The boy says, "hey dad, Jesus' hair was long"

Dad says, "that's right son, but Jesus walked everywhere"

[CO Liberal]

10. What's Purple and Goes "Slam-Slam-Slam-Slam"??

A four-door grape.

[Chovexani]

11. Hehe

I was gonna say Matcom's hippo. :D

[CO Liberal]

12. That Hippo Goes "Slap-Slap-Slap-Slap"

:-)

[CO Liberal]

13. What's Green and Lives At The Bottom of the Ocean?

Moby Pickle.

[CO Liberal]

15. What's 200 Feet Long and Has An Asshole In The Middle?

Bush's motorcade.

:-)

[jmowreader]

16. The GIs and the Dead Animal

A squad was out on maneuvers when two of its members came upon a dead animal. They started arguing about what it was.

The platoon sergeant came to find out what the fight was about. "Private Jones says it's a donkey, I say it's a mule."

The platoon sergeant growled, "No, it's an ass. Now dig a hole and bury it."

The two were digging a grave for the animal when a female lieutenant came up. "Are you troops digging a foxhole?"

"No, ma'am..."

[jmowreader]

17. The Woman Next Door

Two guys check into a hotel room only to find an open door into the next room. They look in and see a nude woman sprawled on the bed. One guy drops his pants and goes in.

Ten minutes later he comes back out going, "greatest lay in history, you gotta do her!" His buddy goes in.

Fifteen seconds later his buddy comes back out. "She's dead, you sick fuck!"

"Dead? I just thought she was a Republican!"