The thread that predicts headlines for Bush's 666th night in office...

[HereSince1628]

Bush** Announces Homeland Security’s Office of Family Values,

“We needed a way to enforce the Constitution to secure the nation for us, er, ah, well I mean speshily (sic) the country’s new bold amendment against Saddamy, Crossdressing, Gay Merrige, Aborshion, 'n all those bad things that happen in people's bedrooms... I know there has been some criticism of this, but, my boss', I mean the Vice Prezidents provision for secret hearings and nonjudicial punishment are really good. Look, LOOK, Can I finish? ...THIS's the bess way to protect citizens rights to privazy...you know... save them the imbarssmint that would follow having a family member outed by the gvernemnt? Imagine what that could do to many good republican public servants lives."

[HereSince1628]

1. Mexico and Russia raise stakes in secession game

With the reluctance of the Canadian Confederation to annex all American states seeking exit from the US, Mexico and Russia see openings...

Russia is asserting historic claims to Alaska, Washington, and parts of Oregon. Mr. Putin says, Russia really has no expansionary interest but hopes to encourage all citizens of North America to find an amicable solution to their problems...

Meanwhile, Mexico has for the first time publically stated an interest in California. "California would bring us many headaches" said a spokeswoman for Vicinte Fox, "but we believe returning California to the hands of those who nourished and developed it in its infancy is reasonable..."

Meanwhile, the 'Return to Monarchy" movement in Hawaii seems to be gaining strength as indigenous leaders seem ready to allow special consideration for wealthy landed "immigrants" of Asian and European origin into the proposed upper house of parliment.

[ablbodyed]

2. Read this>>>>

http://www.whatreallyhappened.com/HAWAII/hawaii.html

[HereSince1628]

3. Parody is only biting if there is some tension...no offense intended

I'm aware in the sort of not really aware way that any mainlander would be, that the annexation of Hawaii is tainted if not criminal.

[HereSince1628]

10. Thousands come to Wyoming to see miracle, some disappointed

As the sun peaks over the Titans, hundreds of loyal'merikans stop talking. In the distance, against the immortal almighty face of the Rocky Mountains, the profiles of George W Bush, Ronald Reagan, and Jesus Christ are outlined in the craggy shadows.

“You’re asking me for a comment,” says Kerry Closehasp, “Just LOOK the universe is speaking to you. We are in a blessed time.

Quietly crying off to the side of the enthrolled crowd a women cries....”I can’t understand why Dick Cheney’s face is not revealled!”

Many in the crowd seem bewildered. They keep asking, "Where, where, I don't see it, I can't see it!"

This is the great American prospect...we see it, or we don't.

[HereSince1628]

4. Foxz Zport no longer to cover men's soccer or men's tennis...

Foxz ZPORTS management announces it will no longer cover mens Soccer or mens Tennis. A spokesman for Fox said that Soccer is a ”girly game,” and that men in shorts so tight it shows their thongs was inappropriate for a network with family values.

FCC Chairmann Powell says this is the sort of decision by broadcasters that will bring America back from the moral decline of the late 90's.

[HereSince1628]

5. Ammo to be available in time for Xmas

Vahlmart (jah, Velcomen) has reached a special agreement with Remindin Arms on the production of .222 calibre ammunition suitable for AR15, M16 and Vahlmart’s new SC 1 Strong Citizen sport assault weapon.

After several years of small calibre ammunitions shortage due US and coalition training and hegemonic activities in southwestern Asia and Eastern Africa this agreement paves the way for homeowners seeking to add to home security and sporting enjoyment.

Expect to see the shiny brass to be sold in 20 unit forest needle or snowhite camo pattern boxes in the Minute Man Support Corner of your local Vahlmart in time for purchase as Christmas shopping stuffers.

And don't forget that terrist pop up profile targets are still available.

[HereSince1628]

6. Spokesman blames multi-alarm fire on incendiary material...

PU Milwauke: A major fire illuminated the Milwaukee skyline late into the evening Friday. Although confined to a brown belt block in the Menominee Valley, the fire destroyed over 400,000 feet of warehouse space rented by the Project for the New American Hegemony.

“We suspected arson,” said fire inspector Ima Notsure. “We have tried to reach the renter to get a listing of the contents lost. As best we can tell, and we are re-assembling things from the ashes-the contents included many hundreds of thousand of completed absentee ballot forms from the 2004 Florida and Ohio presidential election. We think many hundreds of voting machines may also have been destroyed. But the renters cannot be contacted....our investigation is continuing.

[HereSince1628]

7. Tough times in oil create opportunities for the homeless.

Panama Beach, Fl.–Tough times for oil create new opportunities for homeless.

Anyone visiting the gulf's beaches is aware of the black tar blobs of spilled oil. New prospectors (mostly homeless people from Minnesota and Wisconsin) are finding economic opportunities collecting these black turds. Combing the beaches at low tide for processed oil worth $85 a barrel has been a boom for Eve Oncehopeful, a 73 year old Madison Wisconsin native who lives near the beach in the back of a rusting 1999 Ford van. She collects oil tars in plastic bags and sells them to a local salvage yard. “It is not how I hoped to spend my retirement, she says sweeping gray hair over a tanned face, “But, I lost my retirement savings in the post 911 market crash. But this gets me out into the weather and keeps me flexible. The alternative is sitting infront of a fire back in Madison reading Molly Ivans.”

Panama City councilman Robert Riche said the beaches haven't been so clean in decades. A spokeswoman for Governor Bush stated this is an example of how capitalism creates win-win situations...

[HereSince1628]

8. Hey, you...the one with 154 posts, was that a chuckle?

or were you just looking at your boyfriend's crotch?

Ah, Gang...I can make it to 30 replies by noon on my own, but I was hoping to read a little, maybe bitter, fun from you...

[HereSince1628]

9. Descendents of Sen Mel Ziller awarded millions

The estate of Sen. Mel Ziller has won a multimillion dollar award against the defunct National Democratic Party. The family alledged that not only was Sen. Ziller’s life shortened by his affilliation with the DNC, but that the DNC conspired “to pervert his common sense.”

“This is a form of the cultural psychosis defense,” stated family Attorney Lori Fulabucks. “I would have been surprised if a jury of God-fearing, patriotic Americans, hadn’t decided in favor of the family. The DNC ruined their lives."

Mr. Atta Loss, representing the Democratic Party, said "This is really a hollow victory. As we argued in court, the democrats have never been organized and are incapable of acting in concert on anything. Since the council's bankruptcy in 2005, the Dems have had nothing left to give."

[Swamp Rat]

28. ... except their body and soul.

[HereSince1628]

11. Crayola Drops the Color Purple

In support of the 2005 Defense of Decency Act, Crayola Crayon, former producers of many shades of gray, will no longer produce _anything_ that might be considered purple.

Ms. Ida Dewit-Inaminut said the company “fully supports the American family and will no longer market products that can be used for nefarious purposes.”

Former Att. General. Hans Ashcrack said “This shows the strength of the American people. Presented with a problem they will always arrive at an appropriate solution. “

Asked about the decision, art teacher Mr. Marvin Gay, public school 3369 in New York asked, “What is next banning red and blue?”

[NYC Liberal]

12. Which is when?

[HereSince1628]

14. Soon to be is now

what could be is.

What was isn't anymore.

I deeply regret that all of this hinges on the meaning of IS.

[HereSince1628]

21. National debt to be balanced by sale of French and French-oid Art

The Bush administration has directed the Office of Management and Budget to liquidate all national holdings of French, Flemish and art by artists with French sounding names.

The Whitehouse information office released a statement today stating that all original and reproductions of art by French artists or artists with French sounding names owned by the US Federal Gov’t would be sold to the highest bidder.

Bush stated that he is tired of “too loose Lautrec, the streaks of Van Gough, and the Lily pads of Monet. I jes don’t think the people of merika should be exposed to pointyism or liberal impressionism. We need more painters like Gramma Moses.

Controversy surrounds the Bush administrations push to force the auction of the Picasso statue at 1 National Plaza in Chicago. While not owned by the national government, Bush feels stongly that any art work in a place named “National Plaza” is a matter of national importance. Last October Bush suggested that Judge Moore’s 10 Commandements would mean more to the people of Chicago than a stupid Picasso ‘that no one gets.’

In response to his comments, students at Bob Jones University cheered.

The City of New Orleans is concerned about the implications the Bush policy may have for that fair city.

[Swamp Rat]

29. Merd

[woo me with science]

13. New "Values Tax" will Support the Placement

of a government official in every bedroom to document (and enforce if necessary) use of the missionary position between Husbands and Wives.

[HereSince1628]

15. CDCP researches note outbreak of vaginal tearing

Stone Mountain, Ga. National researchers have identified what they refer to as BIG DICK syndrome amongst wives of male republicans trying to emulate Dick Sheney. Although this research caused health workers to examine a variety of undisclosed locations, an epidemic of unhealthy sex practices has been revealled.

“Based on morphometric analysis of the wounds and the victims' partners it is difficult to come to any conclusion other than this...many Cheney wannabe’s use inappropriate, yet commonly occuring home objects as false-penises common referred to as dildoes.”

Dr. Luke Adonwannanaseeit said, “The most common injuries seem to result from Zuchinni squash and Whiskey bottles. When we analyze the data using McNemar or Fischer’s Exact test it seems that the Whiskey bottle is higly associated with spousal presence of stents of cardiac vessels...

It is an odd finding that no one might have anticipated.

Gynecologists are cautioned to be on the alert for evidence of injuries resulting from patriarchal penetrance in patients whose husbands have right wing affiliations.”

[Swamp Rat]

32. The little piggie that went to market bought some Zucchini and Andouille.

[HereSince1628]

16. Binica returns to fashion world

London...Years after a failed line of purses and fashion accessories, Binica Winlewski returns to the fashion headlines

Binica is introducing a line of blue dresses with a pale, almost faded appearing quite indistinct monogram above the left breast. “It looks suspicioulsy like something was squirted on it” said critic Olan Detales. As the fashion line was revealled many reviewers asked, “Exactly what is the monogram?”

Binica somewhat flushed answered, “The meaning of IS, of course!”

[Zuni]

17. President orders air strikes against San Francisco, New York City

The war on terror has a new front. In many Blue states across the country bands of Islamic radicals have holed up, protected by anti-american liberals, according to Scott McClellan, The Presidential Press Secretary. The main cells appear to be in San Francisco and New York City, concentrated in the overwhelmingly sodomite and god less districts of Greenwich Village and The Castro.
The President has already approved plans for further strikes on Boston Massachussetts, where Iraqi terrorist leader Muhab al-Ishka al-Murzab Muhammed al-Hussein has reportedly vandalized a church nativity scene. Baltimore, MD and Philadelphia, PA are also reportedly being discussed as new targets in the war on Terra.
"The President warned that we would be fighting them in our streets if John Kerry won. Now it looks as though his supporters have taken it upon themselves to import Islamic radicals to destroy this great Christian nation," Scott McClellan said on the record Tuesday.

[Zuni]

18. The Office of Homeland Family Values is approved by Senate

[HereSince1628]

19. 6666th Combat Death in Iraq

6666th Combat Death in Iraq

US Central Command reported that a female soldier, whose MOS was logistics control, is the 6666th death for American forces in Iraq. However, this trooper's death is clouded by controversy.

Specialist 5 Sheila Tough lost her life while transporting a female Iraqi minor to detention at Camp Philo. Squad members say that the prisioner assaulted and strangled her. However, the driver of the ambulance says he heard a stifled scream and a scuffle, followed by an exclamation in a male American voice “I’ll kick your liberal ass if you don't get outta my way."

Specialist Tough was the only known soldier in the vehicle with democratic affiliations.

[HereSince1628]

20. Major redirection of in the policy of American nuclear waste disposal.

The Bush** administration has announced that both high and low level nuclear waste will be sent to a national munitions depot northwest of Madison, Wisconsin.

For years it has been expected that these wastes would be buried deep within the granite of the Rocky Mountains.

In response to questions about why Wisconsin? President Bush responded, “What goes around comes around. The waste has to go somewhere, and I am making a hard decision. I think that the rebels, er, insurgents, er, ...get out of my ear... infrastructure of Wisconsin can absorb his. This is good for the energy industry, its good for ‘Murika, and it is the best I can wish for the people of Wisconsin.”

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

22. Dollar rebounds against the Euro

For the first time in months, the Euro is worth less than 10 US dollars.

[HereSince1628]

23. Arab leaders not distressed by fall of Euro

Since the end of Bush's first term Arab governments have increasingly turned to the Euro to forestall the loss of value in their investments.

Sheik I Bin Greedee Finance Minister for Finance said he is unconcerned. "There is only one currency that is unencumbered by overwhelming debt or overwhelming speculation. That currency is the Euro. We support it, the world supports it."

[HereSince1628]

24. Bob Nofacts, "Unconcerned about unresolved Plame affair"

Limping slightly, and supported by his friend Richard Pearle, Bob Nofacts, left the upscale "Salon du Magne Willi" message, and fended off media questions.

"The Plame affair came to nothing, it is ancient history. It is a waste of time to pursue."

Nofacts and Pearle chuckled and left hand-in-hand to their awaiting limo.

[HereSince1628]

25. Airline travel may be restricted to those with recommends.

Intending to model the security of Mormon temples, the TSA has announced a proposal that would limit air travel by those who do not have recommendations from their community and religious leaders.

Officials of the TSA say that recommendations from both community and religious leaders would greatly restrict access by terrorists to the nation’s airlines. “In the wake of Sept 11, we cannot be too careful” said passenger Jussa Serf.

A short while later Serf was asked to proceed to a detention area where he could be strip searched. At this time the whereabouts of Mr Serf are unknown.

The editorial staff of this paper are sure that he would not have been detained unless something was amiss.

[Swamp Rat]

30. You mean their awaiting escape pod.

[HereSince1628]

26. Spaceship one project halted as threat to Amurika

In stark contrast to the apparent philosophy of the Bush administration the USAF seized property, material and personnel associated with the spaceship one project.

General Boykin stated after the arrest..."By God, We just can't let ANYONE have access to space. It is too important!"

Lieutenant Eva N. Gelista comment, "I can't confirm anything the general has said but, Boy! They have REALLY NEAT STUFF! They are years ahead of US."

Members of the spaceship one project have been missing for more than a week. Wife of project leader Dick Tanru said she remembers nothing about her husband's disappearance.

[Swamp Rat]

31. Members of the spaceship one project were eaten by space reptiles

as the alien mothership entered Earth's atmosphere. Some lizards complained the French one needed ketchup.

[WilliamPitt]

27. He passed his 666th night a long time ago

Just before 2003, if my math is correct.

[HereSince1628]

33. Yeah the great part is we are halfway through the Bush admin...

Beware the Ides of Bush