The Baghavad-Gita - Updated for Urban Youth (Offensive Language)

[Elidor]

Arjuna was the grandson of Big Mo, a mack daddy from way back. Arjuna controlled six towers in the projects, and business was good. His kingdom was pumpin' high volume.

But Arjuna's uncle Lester was a greedy man: he and his brothers and sisters and his kids and grandkids and their cousins and a whole buncha other mutherfuckers were tired of being down on their luck. After a series of skirmishes between their families, they had decided to take Arjuna down, and all the rest of his family with him.

"We're takin' over, mofo, and you better run," they told him

They gathered near the basketball court in the park: sacred ground. Neutral territory. Lester had brought Slick Tom and Clean Willie, and Willie's brothers, Stoney and Shoo, and two dozen hard cases to back them up.

Arjuna and his homeys gathered on the other side of the court and checked them out. Arjuna had brought his uncle Jack, his buddy Dex, and about fifty other swingin' OGs. If Lester wanted a bloodbath, then bring it the fuck on, you sorry piece 'a shit.

Lester and his crew glared back across the court. They spread out into a menacing line and fingered bulges in their pockets.

But Arjuna had brought his cousin and best friend, Lord Chris, who was also known as Saint, and Lord Chris had brought HIS best friend, a fully automatic rifle, with which he was renowned for dispensing much whoop-ass. At a word from Lord Chris, all fifty soldiers pulled their guns. Lester's people saw Lord Chris' rifle, and the overwhelming firepower of their enemies, and realized they were going to get their asses kicked. But this just got their anger up. They were ready to die like men, even if their cause was lost.

The b-ball gods looked down on the standoff in their court, and sided with Arjuna. Might as well bet on a winner.

Looking at his enemies, Arjuna saw that many of them were his kin. There was his cousin Buddy, his nephew Jerome, his aunt June and her sister Wanda, and all of their sons and grandsons. Also there was his grandfather Freeman and his crew. And they had many guns as well.

And Arjuna saw that in order to keep his turf, he would have to slaughter his own family, and his heart was heavy and full of grief. What good could come from this? There was no way he could win. Even though he would surely kill every last one of them, this war would make his empire a place of tragedy and woe. There would be no winners here today.

And Arjuna said to Lord Chris (who was also known as Big Bad Billy): "I am overcome by compassion for my friends and family who want me dead. I feel in my heart that it would be better to die by their hands, unresisting and full of love, than to kill them and destroy our community." His gun hand wavered and fell to his side. He cried, full of the love of them and their lives, even though they were wicked.

And Lord Chris said to Arjuna: "The fuck is wrong with you, cuz? You sound like a pussy! You CAN'T be SERIOUS!"

Arjuna said to Lord Chris, who was also known as DJ Mofo, "I can't do it, man. I can't kill family. Not like this. This is twisted."

"Look, cuz," said Lord Chris, who was also known as Black Bart, "If you don't do this, everybody's gonna say yo weak! They'll keep comin' after ya! They'll spit on ya and chase the family off the street! Man up, mothafucka! It's time ta git down! They got it comin'!"

"No, my brother. This ain't my game. Maybe I should go be a priest or sumthin'. I dunno. What should I do?"

And Lord Chris said: "Look, fool, you believe in reincarnation, right?"

"Well, yeah. I guess I do."

"Well there ya go! They gonna live forever! You can't really kill them! But you can teach them some fuckin' manners, bro! You gots to be ruthless, noah'mean? You can't let someone diss you and yo momma and not knock him back on his heels like the punked out little bitch he is!"

And Arjuna realized his folly at last, and resolved to wipe out all of his enemies. "Yeah, I guess you right, man! What the fuck was I thinkin'? Let's kill every last goddamn motherfuckin' bastard out there! PUNK BEE-YOTCH!!!"
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All kidding aside (and I hope the PC police won't find fault with a touch of dialect), I find the Gita to be a fascinating and poetic piece of literature which has a certain beauty when it shares some elements with Buddhism, but taken as a whole it contains some deeply offensive ideas. The practice of abandoning all family for a life of nameless ascetism is pretty repulsive to me. The notion that because people live again, it's okay to kill them if the lord Krishna wills it is rather whacked as well. The "Gita as-it-is" is anything but. I find it spiritually irresponsible and morally reckless. The character of the corporeal godhead is extremely well done and very intriguing, but his message is not one of peace. Krshna more closely resembles Abraxas or even Kali than the Buddha.

Pity.