Who is in a marriage that makes them unhappy?

[Wapsie B]

I must confess that I am and have been so for quite some time. It's not that my wife is a bad person. In fact she's a very good person. But I've never been what I would call love with her. We met and started dating and the sex was ok for awhile. For a guy in his 20's a steady supply of bedroom time seemed to be just the ticket. I thought that maybe that this is what love's supposed to be like.

And yet something inside of me told me this was wrong, that it wasn't meant to be between her and I. I ignored that feeling and hoped things would get better and then I'd be madly in love. Even after moving in together I always waited and hoped for things to improve. Finally I was just tired of being alone so we married She loves me in her own way. But still I can sense an inner anger on the part of both of us that something's never been right and that counseling never could fix.

Now after 2 kids and 18 years I've had enough. We both deserve significant others that can truly love us. Our love life has been non existant for years. As God as my witness I never wanted life to be like this.

Anyone else like this? What are you doing about it?

[Rowdyboy]

1. Very sad for both of you....I've had several friends in identical

situations and I know how miserable it can be. I wish you well.

[Wapsie B]

2. Thanks.

I just think it's time to move on. Not quite ready to take the last step to divorce but I'll get to that point. Just don't know when yet.

[Moonbeam_Starlight]

3. I just wanted to

give you a hug :hug:

We've had our ups and downs but no, I can't say it's like that. But I wish the best for you. Hold old are the kids?

Life's too short. If you both are truly that unhappy, it probably wouldn't make any sense to stay together.

[Wapsie B]

5. 14 & 17.

Yes I think we both feel that this needs to end. I don't believe that she wants to confront that yet but will come to that realization too. Thanks.

I was just wondering how others were coping with this. I mean half of all marriages end in divorce. I would think a group in the Meeting Room would be in order.

[classof56]

4. Well, I've been married almost 40 years to the same person...

and I could tell you a few things about marriage, but I'm pretty sure you've heard them all. Like, you know, it has its ups and downs, rough spots and great times, takes a lot of work and compromise, kids need two parents, etc. But even though I truly believe people, especially those with children, should try very hard to give them the most stable and chaos-free home environment possible, I'm not one to say a couple should stay in a relationship that is making them miserable. Life is too short for that. Just a tiny warning, though: The next relationship might be no better, and could possibly be worse than the one you're in. Whatever you do, give it much thought and soul-searching to be sure you are making the right decision for everyone. There are worse things for kids than having divorced parents. I'll never be sorry I've made the choice to stay married, and our children, both in their thirties, seem to appreciate it as well. Part of the reason is the hard work (that phrase again) it took to maintain a stable loving home life (for the most part). You and your spouse deserve the chance to be the best you can be and if it's not happening while you're together, maybe some time apart would give you the opportunity to grow and reclaim your true selves.

Just a few thoughts from a well-seasoned observer of life on this planet. Best wishes to you. Remember: Be true to yourself and be sure your children know they have your unconditional love, no matter what decision you make about your marriage.

[Wapsie B]

6. It's just that I never really felt love

towards her at all. All the hard work and counseling can't draw out of me what I cannot feel in my heart. I've been working for it and hoping it would appear but it hasn't. I was totally oblivious to the warning signs before marriage.


geez, never thought it would be this hard to keep a thread like this kicked. tough crowd tonight. LOL

[classof56]

10. Well, it's seven o'clock here, and I'm on DU while spouse watches NBA

game. Maybe that's how we've held it together all these years. Just kidding! What you say about not really loving her speaks volumes. You need the opportunity to find love, and so does she. I'm not giving advice so much as saying both of you deserve to know the joy and contentment that comes from giving and receiving love. Proceed with caution, guard your heart, but follow your bliss. Life may be short, but you have all the time you need to seek and find that joy you so richly deserve. I have a feeling you and your wife could end up being great friends who share your children's lives while joining your hearts with the true loves that await you.

Ah, she waxes prosaic! Well, it's been a tough week for all of DUers, so I am glad for the chance to turn my thoughts to something other than the disaster that has just befallen our country. All the more reason, perhaps, that you should spread your wings, take flight and soar to the arms of one who will love and treasure you above all others. And who you can love and treasure back. Nothing much more important or beautiful than that in this world!

Blessings!

[Polly_Sorbate_60]

7. I'm so sorry...

I too was in an unhappy marriage for awhile...we divorced, but I know it was for the best. (I think the tipping point was when he said he wanted to put a confederate flag on the garage :scared:) We got married too young, before we really figured out who we each were as individuals. Different from your situation...but I can certainly relate. It's not easy. Good luck! :hug:

[Wapsie B]

8. Thanks.

I know I'll take that step too. I would much rather be alone than with her right now. What is it that Dr. Phil said, To know if you can live with a person ask yourself if you can live without them? Or something like that.

Yes we were older, almost 30 when we got married and I truly think that for both of us it was a desire to not be alone anymore rather than love.

[jdots]

9. 24 years of tears (not really)

I feel that our marriage is bad because when i met my wife my musical career was going no where because i was maybe never enough of a sociopath to succeed in a biz that became a biz.She has been very patient over the years watching me fall on my ass from not taking opertunitys that would insure a big cash flow if i became a republican greed miester. I love this familly so much much but feel i have failed them.
The thought of breaking up is there but as the old expression goes " this may be bigger than everything " .......key up the violins..... hey this is the lounge and it's happy hour. I here you.....it feels shitty.

[Wapsie B]

11. Yup it's happy hour.

Have one on me.

:toast:

To a better future ahead of us.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

12. I've never been married, but I know of a situation in which a

couple married twelve years decided to divorce after they realized that they and their son all tried to spend as little time at home as possible. :shrug:

[Wapsie B]

15. That's almost the situation

as at our house. We are happiest when we're doing our own thing and not having to worry about the other. Sad to say but I'm happiest when I'm away from home. To me our home is not a shelter from the outside world, but an extension of the chaos in the world. I realize that I'm a loner by nature but I still love being around people that make me feel good. That's not in our marriage. It's not a war everyday. But neither is it a loving relationship. We each deserve partners that care and love us emotionally and sexually.

[Redleg]

13. 13 years of mostly good stuff.

We had some fights and so forth but I think it has been on balance a very positive and rewarding experience. I have been tempted to stray but have not and do not plan to do so. My wife is wonderful and so is my baby daughter.

I do wonder if people are really meant to be monogamous.

[Wapsie B]

14. The monogamy can be a killer.

Some people can handle polyamory, or each having a number of sex partners. But if I was into a woman enough to want to marry her that would be difficult for me. I do think that some shouldn't get married at all. It sounds like you found a woman you love and that loves you. I salute you.

[SarahB]

16. You've heard your fair share on the other site from me.

There's less I'd write on DU because it's more public. Anyway, maybe what I didn't say so much on the other site was our age difference. He's almost 10 years older. Now, in a sense, the age thing isn't a big deal. I'm 32 and he's almost 42. (To be honest, I have a very hard time clicking with men my own age anyway. I think I'm an old soul.) However, when we first got together, it was a big deal. He was 28. He was at a place where he had been through a lot in his 20's and was ready to settle down. I had a lot of problems because of my family of origin and was very needy (emotionally, financially). He liked that "knight in shining armor" role. I was quite the little hottie and intelligent enough to converse at a level beyond that of most people that age. A match made in dysfunctional heaven.

Our main problem was that kids were introduced into the picture too soon. I am about as fertile as fertile can be apparently and one occasion of carelessness lead to more than I was ready for. I know he was ready, as he kept pressing for more fairly quickly. I never had any time to just figure out who I was and what I needed. I was, and am though, naturally, a very good mother. I love children and always knew I wanted them. It came so easily to me, but I let it happen too soon. That's one element he understands now which makes things easier on some level. I won't get into some of the interpersonal problems between us as I've said my share on that elsewhere, but there's more I haven't said anywhere because some of it's just too much for any message board.

What are we doing about it? That's the big question. Well, we already went through counseling and the main result of that was bringing our anger out in the open- for both of us. I'm far from a perfect person myself and I don't claim to be, but my main fault was keeping silent about our problems for so long until I finally shut down whatever good feelings I had only to be left with nothing more than pity and guilt. Not enough to make a marriage.

While I could say I wasted all those years, who's to say I would have made a better decision back then? We're both sane, intelligent people who love our children and now have evolved to a point of mutual respect at least where we can work together in the regard. We are divorcing which is so not easy. Our youngest child is only 3, but I don't want him growing up thinking this is what marriage is either. My own parents had a troubled married and their on and off relationship was far more damaging to me than if they just would have gotten it done and finished with when they first separated when I was 4 years old instead of dragging it out, remarrying each other, etc.

As far as practical matters, right now, I'm waiting to hear about several jobs I'm trying to get. Once, I'm working, we're filing. We want to share custody equally (he may even have the kids a bit more over the next two years because with my work and school schedule, he'll have more time). Therefore, no child support to anyone. I'm not asking for alimony. He wants the house is just started going through the process of refinancing to give me my share of the equity (which we have quite a bit thankfully), so I will get a settlement, but after that, I really don't want any financial ties to him. That's very important to me. I have an incredibly strong need for independence- financial and otherwise. All this legal mumbo jumbo seems to be agreed upon by both of us, so the process should hopefully be reasonably smooth and painless. I mean, it's not easy, but I first thought of this 6 years ago and 3 years ago pretty much knew, but I felt helpless to do anything really. It's harder for him because he loves me at a level I don't with him, but I cannot and will not relegate myself to being controlled, snapped at, etc. any longer out of someone's insecurities. And yeah, actually finding some of that love stuff would be nice. I'm very conscious of myself and don't want to rebound into anything major, but I feel like I've put aside for so long certain sides of myself, it would be nice to let them break free.

[Ellen Forradalom]

17. I can't really figure mine out

Sometimes it's like you say, and sometimes it's not so bad, but never is it truly enjoyable to be in his company.

[robbedvoter]

18. Been in one like that - left - ugly, ugly divorce - happy now.

The mere word "marriage" makes me cringe though - I have a happy stable relationship and feel the secret need to tell gay people "be careful of what you wish for"

[IStriker]

19. Unhappy marriage

There is no one (except liars) who is married who isn't unhappy some of the time. With 3 marriages under my belt, I can speak to this. If you don't work at it when it starts with being unhappy with other person some of the time, you will end up being unhappy all the time. Once it reached that point, I bailed. I don't know after 18 yrs. you can save it, but on the other hand, you're going to take all your problems to the next one and if you don't try to fix them at first, you will end up in the same place only you will be older.

[flamingyouth]

20. I was

My 11-year unhappy marriage (it was okay for about the first three) ended this year with a brief separation and then my husband's death. I feel for you and totally understand where you're coming from here.

[ScreamingMeemie]

21. My heart hurts for you. There are times when I have thought of leaving,

but I still do love him deeply. My tummy still flips when he walks in the room.

But we've had some really, really bad moments. The loss of two late term pregnancies, and then a miscarriage that made him want a vasectomy. I wanted more kids, he didn't. That can destroy even the best of marriages. We managed somehow to muddle through...basically because I try not to think about it.

I know I get on his nerves. I'm not really what he imagined his wife to be like. I don't "measure" up very well. But, at the end of the day there is still love. That's what keeps us going.

I have sat on the sidelines and watched my parents do everything in their power to turn a 38 year marriage into a joke. And yet, they stay married. Life is odd sometimes.

[Wapsie B]

25. I know what you're saying.

I see me and my wife ending up like her parents or my parents, just full of anger toward each other but who stay together because of some misguided religious guilt that was burned into their brains. It wouldv'e been so much better for everyone to live happy yet separate lives. Problem is with us my tummy doesn't flip when she enters the room. Never has.

[supernova]

22. So sorry for you, Bushwentawol

:hug:

I was in a marriage like that for nine years. He seemed nice.... at first. And I honestly didn't know what I wanted from a relationship.

Stupidity at its finest.

As time went on, I realized he wasn't the person to give me what I needed. The relantionship was killing me on the inside. And in fact, he has many needs that simply can't be fulfilled in a romatic relationship.

I left in 1995 and have never looked back. I'm still single, but I feel better than ever! And I know I won't settle for just any relationship that isn't exactly what I want. Enjoying being alone is a wonderful thing.

There is a wonderful life out there; all you have to do is be willing to explore it.

[ava27]

23. tell her you voted for Bush

she'll leave and will take the kids with her

[skygazer]

24. I have been

And I think for the same reason that you are. My first husband and I got together when we were young - we enjoyed each other's company, had a number of things in common and sort of drifted into exclusivity which drifted into living together which kind of drifted into marriage.

I think we both thought that we could be happy that way, or that we'd fall in love later, or that maybe this was love and we didn't recognize it. I don't know. But it didn't work. After 6 years and two kids, I felt like I was living with my brother - a guy I liked well enough but had no real sexual desire for.

It's a hard place to be and a hard thing to deal with. Even though we both knew our relationship was over and our divorce was extremely amicable (we both worked very hard to make it as easy and painless for the kids as we could and we both genuinely cared about the other), I think we both had some tough times dealing with it. Divorce feels like failure and I know I questioned for a long time, even though I knew better, whether I could have saved it.

But the good news is, both of us are in very good relationships now. He has been married to his second wife for over 15 years now and they are very happy. I've been with my SO for almost four years and it feels very good.

I'm sorry. :hug: I wish you both, and your kids, well.