Apparently, I am not a real woman

[rene moon]

I guess it's due to the fact that I work, have been married for almost two years (no kids---don't know if there ever will be). Plus, I kept my maiden name. So accordingly to some people in the family, I am not a real woman yet (I'm 30).

I have heard these comments in the past. First, it was due to my breast-size (small) and then it was due to not being married by 25. And now it's this bullshit.

ARGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! :mad:

Has anyone else experienced this? I am just at a loss.

[Pirate Smile]

1. That is idiotic. Who is saying this sh@# to you?

[rene moon]

2. Oh, the usual suspects

The uninformed in my family (a uncle and some cousins and whatnot).

[OldLeftieLawyer]

8. Men? Men are saying this to you?

They're gay.

[Lex]

15. No gay man I 've ever known would say such a stupid thing.

Seriously.

[OldLeftieLawyer]

34. That was a JOKE

:::: sigh ::::

[Carla in Ca]

22. Rene, a piece of advice...if you don't mind

I am of the age when it wasn't 'if' you were going to have kids, it was 'when'. I am childless by choice. I was ridiculed, called names and by one particular person I was asked why I was living.
Although devastating to hear, my decision is one I have never regretted. Never.
As my Grandmother used to always say, "When in doubt, don't"

If your decisions are made with your best interests in mind and you are happy, what they say shouldn't bother you. Isn't it the people themselves who are saying these things? It hurts when family members are negative. These are the ones who know you best and should accept you for who you are.
Stay true to yourself, life really is too short.

[NightTrain]

What era do your relatives live in?

The 1950s ended four-and-a-half decades ago, for chrissake!!!

[ogradda]

3. o brother

yeah since i've gotten divorced some of my family act like i'm an amputee or something. makes it a real treat on holidays. like hanging out with the inquisition. the cute little comments don't lower my blood pressure either.

[OldLeftieLawyer]

6. Oh, divorce.......

My mother wouldn't tell family members that I got divorced.

She said my (former) husband was "away on business a lot."

I had forgotten that ...... now I'm laughing.

Mom was so nuts .............

[Left Is Write]

4. I have been called not a real woman, although

not for serious reasons like you. I have been called a stick-person who isn't a real woman, based on the size of clothing I wear.

I had no idea marriage and children were requirements for womanhood. Are men required to marry and father children before they are considered "real" men? Are men required to give up their names to become "real" men? (I never understood the hangup with women keeping their maiden names. It makes no difference to me if women take their husband's names, keep their own, change them altogether, or what-have-you. I have no say in the matter of anyone's name choice but my own.)

[rene moon]

11. Me too!

I am tall but thin--petite, if you will. And I have heard those comments all my life. Damn, when will it ever end???

I feel your pain!

[OldLeftieLawyer]

5. You're not at a loss

They are.

Cretins all around you, I'd say. Just smile sweetly and live your life precisely as you please, and fuck them. Don't let them upset you. They're probably wildly jealous of you.

Living well really is the best revenge, don't forget.

[Placebo]

7. Hehe, why keep your maiden name?

Did your hubby's last name not sound right when coupled with your first?

[rene moon]

12. Because I like my name

I have a Latino last name and I am very proud of my heritage. Plus, the hubby could careless what I do.

[Left Is Write]

32. I took my husband's name, but

I often wish I had found a way to incorporate my maiden name. I'm proud of my family heritage too, and I definitely understand the desire to keep that.

I use a variation of my maiden name in my email addresses.

[Zing Zing Zingbah]

43. I'm glad I took my husband's name.

I never had a problem with my maiden name before. However, recently, I did a internet search for my first name plus maiden last name. I discovered that there is a sex toy product out there that has my full maiden name as the name of the product (minus my middle name). The company even trademarked my name. I was incredibly annoyed to say the least. BTW, I had a completely normal last name. I didn't have "Horr" or anything like that for a last name that might sound slightly sexual. It's very weird. My first name is normal too. At least for right now, there are no embarrassing products that are named after my married name.

BTW, I wanted to take my husband's name anyhow, so that I would have the same last name as our son.

I have known of one man who took his wife's last name, instead. He did this as a way of showing respect to her family, because they were completely depended upon her family when they first got married. I thought that was a mighty nice gesture.

[Left Is Write]

49. Wow!

So far so good for me...several women share both my maiden name and my married name, but as far as I know, no one has copyrighted the name for any products.

Re: the kids' names. One of my children has a different last name than I do. She actually has my maiden name. She was born when I was almost 21, and I was not married to her father. He wanted me to give her his name, but as I knew I would be raising her largely by myself, I chose to give her my name. When I married my husband, my daughter was 10 years old. My husband and I were planning to have more children, so no matter which name I used, I'd have a different name than at least one of my children. I have asked my daughter if she would like to legally add her father's name to her last name, but she prefers to keep her name as it is. Interestingly, last year she dated a boy whose last name is the same as my married name.

[Dora]

35. I kept mine too.

I was 33 when we married, he was 44. His first wife also didn't change her name, much to the embarassment of his father. Fortunately, he was used to it by the time I came around.

I had been living with my own name and using it as an adult contributing member of society for so long that I just didn't and still don't see the purpose in changing it. I like the way my name sounds, and the name I carry has no bearing on my love for my husband or my respect for his family.

Our child may have his name, it may have mine, it may have a hyphenate. We haven't decided yet, but we really believe it's not important.

[amandae]

42. Why NOT keep your maiden name?

It's the name you were born with. Why not keep it? It's rediculous to expect that a woman give up part of her identity just because she got married. If she wants to keep it there should be nothing stopping her from doing so, including social constraints.

My first daughter already had my husband's last name when my hubby and I were married. For that reason only I DECIDED to take my husband's last name at the end of mine. My last name isn't hyphenated though. People have gotten used to how I have my name and who cares if they're not used to it. It's my name. People who don't like it can bite me.

:hi:

[Susang]

9. You'll get used to it

I was told by one of my aunts at Christmas last year, that I better have babies soon or my uterus is going to dry up. :eyes:

I wish I could tell you it gets better, but the only thing you can do about it is keep your sense of humor, you'll need it. ;-)

[rene moon]

13. My MIL said

that my eggs were going to start drying up now that I turned 30! ARGH!!

[Susang]

18. Well, I'm almost 40

Mine haven't dried up yet, though I keep hoping they would so at least I could have a snappy come back to that one. :evilgrin:

Seriously, try not to let it get you down. I didn't get married until after 30, I kept my own name and I don't have kids, so I know exactly what you're dealing with. Figure out a few witty answers to their rude comments and eventually, most of them give up. I've found I can get away with saying exactly what I mean to people as long as I say it with humor.

[Raster]

10. sounds to me like you're one hell of a woman!

==Two years and no kids, eh? Great. I believe that EACH and EVERY child born should be wanted, loved and planned for. Too many couples who are unprepared for parenthood, emotionally and/or financially, become parents and it's the kids that suffer. There are way too many people who have kids either by accident or because they hope the kids will "fix" their broken relationship. Once again, it's the kids that suffer.

==So you kept your maiden name, eh? Great. That means you and your spouse made a personal decision and decided to throw off the "woman-as-chattel" thing and retain your individuality.

As the great Bette Midler said many, many times: FUCK 'EM IF THEY CAN'T TAKE A JOKE!!!!!!

[Kat45]

14. You could always send them your used tampons for proof.

LOL Would that be proof enough for them?

Sorry for the crude humor, but people like that cause me to want to do something like that. :-)

[hangemhigh]

16. Hey-try this....

Single. Menopausal. Career type. And I bought the boobs and took back my maiden name. My kids are grown and gone. Some friends call me enviably independent, my family thinks I'm a closet lesbian. Doesn't bother me as I could care a less. Celebrate who you are, including your bra size (so sad that it's a measure but it is) and teach your children how to really measure the worth of a woman-(my estrogen patch made me say this, otherwise I'd be cryin' with you!)

[rene moon]

17. Thanks!

:)

[recovering democrat]

19. Yeah, ignorance is pretty common.

:) Being a woman is a terribly difficult task since it consists principally in dealing with men - Joseph Conrad

[shesemsmom]

20. Babe.....to hell with them

I didn't marry this Hubby until almost 27 years old. First Hubby died. I worked the same job now 28 years. i didn't have our Daughter until I was 31 years old. I'm 47 and and have been a political activist for eleven years and at your age if anyone had told me I wasn't a real woman I probably would have knock them on the kester. You are what you say you are. The most crap I have ever gotten out of my family was why do I work so hard to change the world. I shut them up with * because you didn't* end of discussion for them. They sat idly by while they took prayer from our schools. They didn't say anything when someone killed our President almost before our eyes. And they would have let our community be run over with gambling if a few of us hadn't said, OH NO YOU'RE NOT. Time to speak up for yourself. YOU ARE STRONG....... YOU ARE WOMAN. If you are smart enough to come here , YOU HAVE COME OF AGE and you don't need any validation from them. You can tell them that lol:bounce: and I hyphonated my name

[chenGOD]

48. Sorry I don't want to take this off course but you said:

"They sat idly by while they took prayer from our schools."

Are you saying forced prayer in school is a good thing?

To Rene Moon: I apologize for the stupider members of my sex, for myself I think that you keep keeping on, do your thing and fuck em if they can't take a joke.

[shesemsmom]

51. Nope I'm saying that

you ought to be able to if you want. You know freedom of choice.Now only praying seems allowed is when one carries gun into a school

[saracat]

21. My family has said that about me for years! For exactly the same reasons!

I have now been married nineteen years , no children and my own name. I had to have a hysterectomy several years ago and now I will never be "mature" because I will never be a "mother" Sigh.:crazy:

[Rabrrrrrr]

23. Fuck 'em, and tell 'em to go to hell

there's no reason for such assinine, hurtful, totally ignorant bullshit spew.

Fuck 'em.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

24. When I was 23 years old and staying with my parents while between

finishing my language program and starting graduate school, my parents and grandmother decided to take a trip up north for a few days. I didn't want to go along with them, and my mother and grandmother ganged up on me and told me that I belonged with my family. I insisted on staying behind, but they were quite upset with me.

Before they left, a phone call came from a first cousin on my father's side, who is much older than I, saying that she and her family were going to be in town the next week. My mother invited them to stop by our house.

My grandmother asked if all of my cousin's four daughters were going to come along.

"Oh, no," my mother said. "D and V are grown-up married women now."

D and V, my cousin's two oldest daughters, were 17 and 18 at the time--five and six years younger than I, but since they were married, they were "grown up women," and I was a kid, who was supposed to tag along with my elders. Sigh!

[Dora]

25. All the same for me too!

I'm in the same boat, except we're having a kid now. I'm certain it's increased my "political capital" with my FIL, though that is something I'd not care to spend any day soon.

Whoo-hoo! Let's hear it for thought-out and well-realized life choices!

[shesemsmom]

26. HERE HERE!!!! and RIGHT ON

nobody can tell you what is good about your life but you. They can take care of themselves and if worring about there *less fortunate* family members is their thing there is nothing you can do or say to change that except, tell them if you have to it is none of their bussiness.

[Left Is Write]

30. Something similar happened to someone I knew.

She was required to sit at the "children's table" for family holidays when she was unmarried, even though married cousins who were much younger were seated at the "adult" table.

[Ramsey]

27. Happiness and success

Are the best revenge. They're just jealous because they are sick of changing diapers and watching cartoons all damn day with NO RELIEF!!

[Ramsey]

28. Happiness and success

Are the best revenge. They're just jealous because they are sick of changing diapers and watching cartoons all damn day with NO RELIEF!!

[izzie]

29. Well look at it this way. Some one is getting a brake if they----

have time to pick on you for such things. Usually they them selfs feel bad about them selfs.

[sans qualia]

31. Sigh, I know how you feel

As far as lots of people, maybe most people, are concerned, I'll never be a real woman. Whenever I feel that reality weighing down on me, I just try to remind myself that it's not behavior or even biology that makes you real. It's all about how you feel about yourself.

... Sorry, I'm not usually so greeting card-y. I guess reading your post just made me feel kinda maudlin. :cry:

[GoddessOfGuinness]

33. Silence speaks volumes.

So does an icy glare. And that is the only response befitting these offensive clods. As soon as they realize you've delivered your triple-real-woman-whammy, direct your attentions to someone who is worthy of them.

[Phillycat]

36. Oh, for fucks sake.

Goddess of Guiness has the right idea. Just look at them like they're fucking nuts (which they are) and then go about your business.

[mzmolly]

37. Had my daughter at 33 and my ob told me that many women are waiting

until they're 40 to start families today. There's nothing wrong with

A) Waiting
B) Choosing NOT to have children.

Cripes where are you livin' ?

For some reason the song "duelling banjo's" comes to mind when I read your tale. Perhaps when your rele's come to visit you can crank it up? :P

[NewJeffCT]

38. cultural difference story

My wife was born overseas and has kept her maiden name since her marriage to me, and she did not get married until she was 31. She also has two master's degrees, is a strong, aggressive businesswoman and she does very little housework (somewhat by default, I think, as she tends to work more hours than me). She wears a 32A bra. But, she has never felt she is not a real woman due to how she was raised overseas. I doubt she'd listen to anybody that said she wasn't, anyhow. She really doesn't understand why American women (and men) are so obsessed with the size of a woman's breasts.

I think this is an exact quote from my wife from right after she gave birth to our daughter when her bra size temporarily went from 32A to a 34C -"My goodness, my breasts look so huge. I'm so embarrassed!" Then, she laughed after that and said all the American women will be jealous (because my wife is so slim overall...)

But, my point is that as long as you are happy with your situation, don't listen to what other people say about you. Everybody is going to ask you if you have a baby on the way after you get married, so just take it with a grain of salt.

[SiouxJ]

39. You can't live your life for other people

That's a motto I try to live by. I'll be 40 in two weeks, I'm not married (by choice) and have no kids (except my two wonderful dogs) and I run my own successful business. I don't think I'll ever get married though I'd never change my name if I did. It never even crossed my mind that these choices make me any less of a woman. But I guess I never think about what other people think about my choices as it really doesn't matter to me.

I can't believe in this day and age you are still having this crap thrust upon you but if you think you've got it bad now, go rent "Mona Lisa Smile" and be glad we don't live in the 50's ;-)

[regularguy]

40. You're certainly a "real" as anyone else..

and I can say that without even knowing you! As a male, I didn't get too much of this stuff, even though I didn't get married until 32. People can be assholes; it's your life! Cheers!

[bluedeminredstate]

41. A "REAL" woman?

Do ovaries and fallopian tubes counts at all?
Honest to Christ, what is wrong with these people? Maybe you should tell these men that they aren't real men if they aren't having sex twice a day and have 12 inch penises! What's wrong with them - a little short in the Testosterone department?
As for your bra size, my boobs point east, west and south and I struggle to fit an A cup, but it's all I've got. Ask these people who feel the need to opine on your body if they are God-haters - mocking what your creator gave you. Appeal to the fundie-esque tone of these comments. Maybe that will shut up some of this outrageous bullshit.
Fight back, throw their ignorance in their faces. They don't deserve your diplomacy!!

[SarahB]

44. That's so silly.

I took his name when I got married young, I had children, and I'm naturally a bit busty, so the point is?
I'm now divorcing, I'm clueless as to what name I'm going to use, and my back hurts sometimes.

:shrug:

Seriously, don't let ignorant people get you down.

[demnan]

45. You're lucky to have small breasts

Saves you having back aches. For the rest of it. We all know that kind of talk is just rubbish.

[hippiechick]

46. Not to mention permanent grooves in your shoulders ...

... and the inability to take an aerobics class, or jog, or find tasteful and attractive lingerie.

:hippie:

[pdx_prog]

47. I didn't know people still even thought these kind of things

everyone is different....I know a lot of women without kids.....makes them no less of a woman. Last I heard, breast size didn't dictate how much of a woman you was.....I had no idea there were varying degrees...:). Some of us like small breasted women better..:)

[HEyHEY]

50. That's the most unreasonable thing I've heard

Next time pull down your pants and show them you're a woman

[rene moon]

52. thanks for all the support!

DU rocks:)

[bloodyjack]

53. wait...most women are supposed to be married by the age of 25??????

I'm running out of time :cry: