I'll donate another 20$ to DU in your name for the best joke!

[hang a left]

Ready....set....post

[unblock]

1. george w. bush!

or is he the WORST joke?

[matcom]

2. and then Condi said.....

"did you like the gap in my teeth?"

[ogradda]

10. lmao

stop! you'll get us in trouble!:spank:

[pk_du]

3. The Donkey and the Chicken

Real friendship

On the farm lived a chicken and a donkey, both of whom loved to play together. One day, the two were playing when the Donkey fell into a Bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the donkey 'hee hawed' for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, For he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Z-4 series BMW. Finding the keys inside, the chicken sped off with a length of rope, hoping he still had time to save his friend's life.

Back at the bog, the donkey was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive in the shiny BMW, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's car, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful car, rescued the donkey!

Happy and proud, the chicken drove the BMW back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: best buddies, best pals. A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the donkey to save his life!

The donkey thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his "thing" and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the donkey pulled him up and out, saving his life.

The moral of the story?

When you're hung like a donkey, you don't need a BMW to pick up chicks.

[alittlelark]

32. OK, that was REALLY funny!

especially now.

[Slowhand16]

4. Why don't blind people like to skydive?

It scares the dog...



lol...

[GreenPartyVoter]

5. *snort* Welcome!

-----------------------------------
Would Jesus love a liberal? You bet!
http://timeforachange.bluelemur.com/

[Slowhand16]

55. Jesus loves liberals?

I thought we were all going to hell... :evilgrin:

[GreenPartyVoter]

74. Heheh. There is no Hell. What kind of loving parent burns His/Her

kid up for eternity for screwing up? :)

[hang a left]

28. You are a finalist n/t

[shesemsmom]

6. READY< HERE WE GO............

DICK CHENEY
Sorry couldn't help myself

[shesemsmom]

17. I got this today

Democracy perfected
And it has come to pass...
*As democracy is perfected, the office of President represents,
more and more closely, the inner soul of the people. On some great and glorious day the plain folks of the land will reach their hearts desire at last and the White House will be adorned by a downright moron*
H.L Mencken (1880-1956)
doesn't the past come back and bite you in the butt once in a while......lol:evilgrin:

[pk_du]

7. One for the ladies...

[King Coal]

8. This penguin has car trouble so he takes it to a mechanic.

The mechanic tells him to leave it with him for an hour, so the penguin goes across the street to the 7/11 to kill some time and get and ice cream. The poor penguin doesn't have arms, so he gets it all over his beak. When he goes back to the garage the mechanic says, "Well, it looks like you blew a seal". "No, I just had an ice cream."

[Ice4Clark]

9. Republicans in Hell

While walking down the street one day, a Republican head of state is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

"Welcome to Heaven," says St. Peter. "Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we're not sure what to do with you."

"No problem, just let me in." says the Republican.

"Well, I'd like to but I have orders from higher up. What we'll do is have you spend one day in Hell and one in Heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity."

"Really, I've made up my mind. I want to be in Heaven," says the Republican head of state.

"I'm sorry but we have our rules." And with that, St. Peter escorts the Republican to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him, everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, hug him, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people. They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster and caviar. Also present is the Devil (a Republican, too), who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a big hug and waves while the elevator
rises. The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on Heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him.

"Now it's time to visit Heaven." So 24 hours pass with the Republican head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

"Well then, you've spent a day in Hell and another in Heaven. Now choose your eternity."

He reflects for a minute, then the head of state answers: "Well, I would never have thought it, I mean Heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in Hell."

So Saint Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to Hell. Now the doors of the elevator open and he is in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The Devil comes over to the Republican and lays an arm on his neck.

"I don't understand," stammers the Republican head of state. Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club and we ate lobster and caviar and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

The Devil looks at him, smiles and says, "Yesterday we were campaigning. Today you voted for us!"

[Ice4Clark]

11. Proud to Be a Democrat

A first grade teacher in the Midwest is explaining to her class that she is a Republican and how nice it is that a new Republican president has taken office. She asks her students to raise their hands if they, too, are Republicans and support George Bush. Everyone in class raises their hands except one little girl. "Mary," says the teacher with surprise, "why didn't you raise your hand?" Because I'm not a Republican," says Mary. "Well, what are you?" asks the teacher. "I'm a Democrat and proud of it," replies the little girl. The teacher cannot believe her ears. "My goodness, Mary, why are you a Democrat?" she asks. "Well, my momma and papa are Democrats, so I'm a Democrat, too." "Well," says the teacher in an annoyed tone, "that's no reason for you to be a Democrat. You don't always have to be like your parents. What if your momma was a criminal and your papa was a criminal, too, what would you be then?" Mary smiled. "Then we'd be Republicans."

[shesemsmom]

23. ROTF LMAO GOOD ONE

[Ice4Clark]

12. You Might Be A Republican If...

You think "proletariat" is a type of cheese.

You've named your kids "Deduction one" and "Deduction two"

You've tried to argue that poverty could be abolished if people were just allowed to keep more of their minimum wage.

You've ever referred to someone as "my (insert racial or ethnic minority here) friend"

You've ever tried to prove Jesus was a capitalist and opposed to welfare.

You're a pro-lifer, but support the death penalty.

You think Huey Newton is a cookie.

The only union you support is the Baseball Players, because heck, they're richer than you.

You think you might remember laughing once as a kid.

You once broke loose at a party and removed your neck tie.

You call mall rent-a-cops "jack-booted thugs."

You've ever referred to the moral fiber of something.

You've ever uttered the phrase, "Why don't we just bomb the sons of bitches."

You've ever said, "I can't wait to get into business school."

You've ever called a secretary or waitress "Tootsie."

You answer to "The Man."

You don't think "The Simpsons" is all that funny, but you watch it because that Flanders fellow makes a lot of sense.

You fax the FBI a list of "Commies in my Neighborhood."

You don't let your kids watch Sesame Street because you accuse Bert and Ernie of "sexual deviance."

You scream "Dit-dit-ditto" while making love.

You've argued that art has a "moral foundation set in Western values."

When people say "Marx," you think "Groucho."

You've ever yelled, "Hey hippie, get a haircut."

You think Birkenstock was that radical rock concert in 1969.

You argue that you need 300 handguns, in case a bear ever attacks your home.

Vietnam makes a lot of sense to you.

You point to Hootie and the Blowfish as evidence of the end of racism in America.

You've ever said civil liberties, schmivil schmiberties.

You've ever said "Clean air? Looks clean to me."

You've ever called education a luxury.

You look down through a glass ceiling and chuckle.

You wonder if donations to the Pentagon are tax-deductable.

You came of age in the '60s and don't remember Bob Dylan.

You own a vehicle with an "Ollie North: American Hero" sticker.

You're afraid of the liberal media."

You ever based an argument on the phrase, "Well, tradition dictates...."

You ever told a child that Oscar the Grouch "lives in a trash can because he is lazy and doesn't want to contribute to society."

You've ever urged someone to pull themselves up by their bootstraps, when they don't even have shoes.

You confuse Lenin with Lennon.

[DS1]

15. 2 points off for trying too hard

:evilgrin:

[IronLionZion]

42. OMG! I might be a Republican!

NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!

[HamdenRice]

13. There are two cars travelling down a lonely red state highway ...

In the first car is a husband and wife having a violent argument about the husband's infidelities.

In the second car is a father driving, with his innocent young daughter.

In the first car, the argument escalates and escalates, until the wife, in fury and outrage, pulls out a knife, rips open her husbands pants while he is driving, pulls out his dick, cuts it off and throws it out the window -- a la Lorena Bobbit.

It flies through the air and lands -- PLOP! -- against the windshield of the second car.

The daughter asks, "Daddy, what was that, that just hit the windshield?" The father is shocked and startled but tries to play it off. "Oh, honey, that was just a bug hitting the windshield."

The daughter says, "Wow, Daddy, it had an awfully big dick for a bug!"

[crispini]

73. ok, LOL. good one.

[Ice4Clark]

14. Republican National Convention Schedule

New York, NY

6:00 PM Opening Prayer, led by the Rev. Jerry Falwell
6:30 PM Pledge of Allegiance
6:35 PM Burning of Bill of Rights (excluding 2nd amendment)
6:45 PM Salute to the Coalition of the Willing
6:46 PM Seminar #1: Getting your kid a military deferment
7:30 PM First Presidential Beer Bong
7:35 PM Serve Freedom Fries
7:40 PM EPA Address #1: Mercury, it's what's for dinner
8:00 PM Vote on which country to invade next
8:10 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh
8:15 PM John Ashcroft Lecture: The Homos are after your children
8:30 PM Roundtable discussion on reproductive rights (MEN only)
8:50 PM Seminar #2: Corporations: the government of the future
9:00 PM Condi Rice sings "I Can't Help Lovin' Dat Man"
9:05 PM Second Presidential Beer Bong
9:10 PM EPA Address #2 Trees: the real cause of forest fires
9:30 PM Break for secret meetings
10:00 PM Second prayer, led by Cal Thomas
10:15 PM Lecture by Karl Rove: Doublespeak made easy
10:30 PM Rumsfeld demonstration: How to squint and talk macho
10:35 PM Bush demonstration of trademark deer-in-headlights stare
10:40 PM John Ashcroft demonstrates new mandatory Kevlar chastity belt
10:45 PM Clarence Thomas reads list of black Republicans
10:46 PM Third Presidential Beer Bong
10:50 PM Seminar #3: Education: a drain on our nation's economy
11:10 PM Hilary Clinton Pinata
11:20 PM Second John Ashcroft Lecture: Evolutionists: the dangerous new cult
11:30 PM Call EMTs to revive Rush Limbaugh again
11:35 PM Blame Clinton
11:40 PM Laura serves milk and cookies
11:50 PM Closing Prayer, led by Jesus Himself
12:00 AM Nomination of George W. Bush as Holy Supreme Planetary Overlord

[hang a left]

33. Nominated because it is one of my favorites.

Ultimately we will put it to a vote.

[UrbScotty]

50. 12:05

Canonization of Ronald Reagan

[Biased Liberal Media]

64. Funniest.shit.evah!!!

[ArthurDent]

16. Okay... but mine is interactive.

It's a knock knock joke. Ready?

Knock--

no, wait.

You start:

[petepillow]

67. i'll bite: Knock Knock

[ArthurDent]

80. Who's there? (n/t)

[petepillow]

84. Water!

[ArthurDent]

86. Water who? n/t

[petepillow]

87. Water you expecting? A hilarious punchline at the end of all this?

sorry, i know. i suck. :shrug:

[Worst Username Ever]

97. *groan*

[sadinred]

18. Kind of long...A man walks into a bar

He hears the most incredible piano playing ever and is drawn closer to the piano. He sees no player. He walks closer and finally sees a little man, a TINY man, sitting playing his heart out...absolutely beautiful playing. The man listens and watches, waiting for a chance to talk to the tiny piano player. Finally the player takes a break and the man approaches him. "How did you learn to play like that?" he asks. The player responds, "You don't want to know". The man insists, "I do, I must know!". The tiny piano player says "go to the back alley, you'll find a bottle, rub it". The man does what he's told. A genie (you guessed it!) pops out saying he will grant one wish. The man asks for a million bucks and the genie nods, and vanishes into his bottle. Suddenly the sky grows dark, there is a thunderous sound in the distance....it's a quacking...it must be thousands...no millions!...of ducks over head darkening the sky, deafening all who can hear then...and the shit...duck shit everywhere covering the man head to toe. The man is dumbfounded and returns into the bar. He goes to the tiny little player and demands to know "WTF?!". And the little piano player replies
"I warned you. You didn't listen. Do you think I WANTED to be a twelve inch pianist?"

[Ice4Clark]

19. Election Tie-Breaker

On Election Night 2004, the returns showed Kerry 50%, Bush 50%. To avoid another Supreme Court case, it was decided that there should be an ice-fishing contest between the two candidates to determine the final winner. The candidate that caught the most fish at the end of the week would win.

After a lot of back-and-forth discussion, it was decided that the contest would take place on a remote and cold lake in Wisconsin. There were to be no observers present, and both men were to be sent out separately on this remote lake and return daily with their catch for counting and verification.

At the end of the first day, Kerry returns to the starting line with 10 fish. Soon, W. returns and has zero fish. Everyone assumes he is just having a bad day or something and, hopefully, he will catch up the next day.

At the end of the second day, Kerry comes in with 20 fish and W. comes in again with none.

That evening, Dick Cheney gets together secretly with W. and says, "I think Kerry is a lowlife, cheatin' son-of-a-gun. I want you to go out tomorrow and don't even bother with fishing. Just spy on him and see if he is cheating in any way."

The next night (after Kerry comes back with 50 fish), Cheney says to Bush, "Well, what about it, is Kerry cheatin'?"

"He sure is, he's cutting holes in the ice."

[bowens43]

20. such a good pig......

There was this guy that wanted to be a farmer.
So he went to this farm and saw a pig with only three legs?
He asked the farmer why does that pig only have three legs?
Well ya see me and my wife Mae was asleep upstairs
and the house caught on fire.And that pig ran upstairs
and got me and Mae out of that fire. That pig saved our lives.
Such a good pig. Well I am glad the pig
saved your lives, But that doesn't explain
why the pig only has three legs?
Well ya see I was out plowing on my tractor the other day and the tractor turned
over on me and that pig pulled me out from under that
tractor that pig saved my life, Such a good pig.
pig. Well I am glad that the pig saved your life but that still doesn't
explain why the pig only has three legs?
Such a good pig hate to eat him all at once...

[Ice4Clark]

21. George W. Bush's Intelligence Quiz

While visiting England, George W. Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people. He asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

She phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister. Please answer this question: Your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

"Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Upon returning to Washington, he decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. He summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

"Uh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?" Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now look here Colin Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother, or your sister. Who is it?" Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course, you dumb ass."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!" And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb ass, It's Tony Blair!"

[hang a left]

31. Nominated n/t

[Sybil Reitz]

22. OK, this is my 6yo son's current favorite joke.

Why did the rooster cross the road?

Because the chicken was on vacation.

[Spiffarino]

52. Why did the chicken cross the road?

To prove to the possum it could be done.

Sorry, it's the southerner in me.

[Sybil Reitz]

66. Why did the baby cross the road?

It was stapled to the chicken.

[Spiffarino]

69. My daughter came in five minutes ago and told me that one

Jinx!

[Ice4Clark]

24. Bush Solves a Puzzle

His closest advisors came to visit Dubya at the White House one evening and found him slamming down beers and whooping it up. They were astonished since he had given up drinking years ago. When asked why he was off the wagon, Dubya replied that he was celebrating finishing a jigsaw puzzle. They smiled and told him that wasn't much of an accomplishment. "Ah, but you're wrong. I did it in record time." When asked what that record was, he replied that he had finished it after only 6 months. Again, they told him that wasn't that great. "Oh yeah?" said the commander in chief, "Well the box says 3-5 YEARS!"

[corporatemedia]

25. What's the difference between the Iraq War and the Viet Nam War???

George had a plan to get out of Viet Nam

[hang a left]

26. You are a finalist n/t

[acpepperoni]

44. Nice!

[Patiod]

98. Damn

Beat me to it.

[mdhunter]

27. What did the fish say when it ran into a concrete wall?

Dam.

[ND_Democrat]

29. Why does Snoop Dog carry an umbrella everywhere he goes??

Because of the Drizzle

[Spiffarino]

54. What does Snoop Dogg use to get his clothes white?

Blee-otch.

[Ice4Clark]

30. 2 hunters..........

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

[Sybil Reitz]

34. So these two old guys are sitting around on the porch one afternoon

talking about what a drag it is getting old. Joe says to Frank, "The worst part is the memory loss. Seems I can't remember anything anymore." Frank says, "You know, I just saw my doctor about that and he said I oughta use a mnemonic device. You think of something that reminds you of the thing you want to remember. Something related or something that rhymes, something like that." So Joe says, "Oh, yeah? Maybe I oughta go see this guy. What's his name?" And Frank says, "Doctor's name. Hmmm. OK. I remember this. Some kind of plant. No, a flower. Yeah, that's it. A flower. Daisy? No. Iris? Nah, that's not it. OH! That's it! Rose! Hey, Rose!" he calls back to the kitchen, "what was the name of that doctor?"

[Hans Delbrook]

35. Young Georgie Bush runs into a bar...

after a wild night at the frat house. He says to the bartender, "I want 6 shots of whiskey - line 'em up on the bar."

The bartender does as he was told and watches in astonishment as Bush slams them down one after another. He says, "So what are ya' celebrating young fella'?"

Bush replies, "My first blow job." The bartender says, "Well in that case let me get you another one - on the house."

Bush says, "Don't bother - if 6 didn't get the taste out of my mouth, one more isn't going to help."

[hang a left]

37. nominated n/t

[Biased Liberal Media]

65. OMG!!! That is good n/t

[Nightowl_2004]

36. My best shot at a star...

A woman in a hot air balloon realized she was lost. She lowered her altitude and spotted a man in a boat below. She shouted to him, "Excuse me,can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago but I don't know where I am."

The man consulted his portable GPS and replied, "You're in a hot air
balloon, approximately 30 feet above a ground elevation of 2346 feet above sea level. You are at 31 degrees, 14.97 minutes north latitude and 100 degrees, 49.09 minutes west longitude.

She rolled her eyes and said, "You must be a Democrat."

"I am," replied the man. "How did you know?"

"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to do with your information, and I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help to me."

The man smiled and responded, "You must be a Republican."

"I am," replied the balloonist. "How did you know?"

"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you're going.You've risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. you made a promise that you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. You're in exactly the same position you were in before we met but, somehow, now it's my fault."

[hang a left]

39. nominated

[Nightowl_2004]

56. Finals? Do I need to get another joke ready for the next round?

*Starts putting on war-paint and listening to Eye of the Tiger to get pumped up*

[Duncan Grant]

58. Enjoy them all but this is gold star material!

Excellent! (now if only I can memorize it) :thumbsup: :7

[fishnfla]

71. gets my vote! nt

[Arkana]

38. Why don't rednecks play water polo?

Because the horses would drown.

[alittlelark]

40. Q - How many surrealists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

A- Fish.

[Arkana]

49. I thought it was

A: Two. One to hold the giraffe and another to put the clocks in the bathtub.

[Ice4Clark]

41. The radio

A lady bought a new BMW. The car cost a fortune and so she had high expectations of the accessories and equipment. Two days later, she brought it back to the garage, complaining that the radio was not working.
"Madam," said the sales manager, "the audio system in this vehicle is state of the art, and completely automatic! All you need to do is tell it what you want to listen to, and that is what it will play!"

She drove out if the garage - somewhat amazed and a little confused. She looked at the radio and said, "Nelson." A crackly voice from within the audio system responded: "Ricky or Willie?".

The woman was astonished. If she asked for Beethoven, the stereo played Beethoven. If she asked for Nat King Cole, she got it.
A couple of months later the woman was waiting at a traffic light enjoying "On The Road Again". The light turned green and she pulled out, only to see an enormous 4x4 vehicle coming from the street she was crossing speeding toward her. The vehicle was obviously not paying attention to the light.

The lady swerved and narrowly missed a collision.

"Idiot!" she yelled.

And, from the radio, "Ladies and gentlemen, the President of the United States."

[Ice4Clark]

43. Tragedy

George W. Bush was visiting an elementary school, and the 4th grade class he sat through began a discussion related to words and their meanings.

The teacher asked the President if he would like to lead the class in a discussion of the word "tragedy." So, George W. asked the class for an example of a tragedy.

One boy stood up and said, "If my best friend who lives next door is playing in the street and a car comes along and runs him over, that would be a tragedy."

"No," said Bush, "that would be an accident."

A girl raised her hand and said, "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone on board, that would be a
tragedy."

"I'm afraid not," the President said. "That's what we would call a Great Loss."

The room went silent. No other children volunteered. President Bush searched the room and asked, "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?"

Finally, way in the back of the room, Johnny raised his hand, and in a quiet voice, he said, "If Air Force One, carrying Mr. and Mrs. Bush, was struck by a missile and blown up to smithereens, THAT would be a tragedy."

"That's right! And can you tell me WHY that would be a tragedy?" asked the President.

"Well," Johnny said, "because it wouldn't be an accident and it sure as hell wouldn't be a Great Loss..."

[Mick Knox]

45. How do you get a dog to quit humping your leg?

Pick him up and suck his _________

[corporatemedia]

46. So this guy goes to see the doctor and tells the Doctor......

"Doc my penis is turning orange."
and the Doc says, "OK, well remove your pants and let's have a look."
So he does and sure enough the guy's dick is ORANGE.
The Doc scratches his head and asks, "Do you work around any hazardous chemicals, or radiation?" The fellow says no. So the Doc puts him on a special diet and tells him to come back in a week.

The guy returns a week later and drops trow again and sure enough his dick is still ORANGE!

So the Doc asks again, "Are you sure you don't work around any chemicals or radiation?" Again the fellow says "NO."

So the Doc asks, "What is it you do for a living?"
The guy says, "I've been unemployed since Bush took office."
The Doc asks, "Then how do you spend all your time?"

And the guy says, "Well, mostly I just sit around the house, eating Cheetos and watching porno movies."

[Sybil Reitz]

47. An "oldie" ...

Here's a dilemma for you. Answer on your honor and dignity--what would you do? This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. Please don't answer it without giving it some serious thought. By giving an honest answer you will be able to test where you stand morally. The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation, where you will have to
make a decision--one way or the other. Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous. Please scroll down slowly and consider each line--this is important for the test to work accurately.

You're in Florida, USA. In Miami, to be exact. There is great chaos going on around you, caused by a hurricane and severe floods.

You are surrounded by deep water.

You are a CNN photographer and you are in the middle of this great disaster.

The situation is nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot very impressive photos.

There are houses and people floating around you, disappearing into the water.

Nature is showing all its destroying power and is ripping everything
away with it.

Suddenly you see a man in the water; he is fighting for
his life, trying not to be taken away by the waves of water and mud.

You move closer.

Somehow the man looks familiar.

Suddenly you know who it is - it's George W. Bush!

At the same time you notice that the raging waters are about to take him away, forever.

You have two options.

You can save him or you can take the best photo of your life.

So you can save the life of George W. Bush, or you can shoot a
Pulitzer prize winning photo, a unique photo diplaying the death
of one of the world's most powerful men.

And here's the question (please give an honest answer):

Would you select color film, or would you rather go with
the simplicity of classic black and white?

[IronLionZion]

48. Democrats and Republicans

Democrats will promise you a house, a car, and a golden retriever but they can't deliver it.

Republicans will tell you that the government won't do anything for you. Then they get elected and prove it.


you don't need to give me a star, but I doubt I would win anyway ;)

[uppityperson]

51. Where do you find a legless turtle?

Exactly where you left it.

[bobaloo2]

53. There are three reasons...

That scientists have been forced to quit using white rats for experimental animals and start using lawyers instead:

1. Some people actually like white rats.
2. There is a limited supply of white rats.
3. There are some things you just can't get a rat to do.

[Clinton Crusader]

57. Three Texas Surgeons...

Three Texas surgeons were playing golf together and
discussing surgeries they had performed.

One of them said, "I'm the best surgeon in Texas.. a concert
pianist lost 7 fingers in an accident, I reattached them,
and 8 months later he performed a private concert for the Queen of
England."

One of the others said. "That's nothing. A young man lost both arms
and legs in an accident, I reattached them, and 2 years later he won
a gold medal in field events in the Olympics."

The third surgeon said, "You guys are amateurs. Several years
ago a cowboy who was high on cocaine and alcohol rode a horse
head-on into a train traveling 80 miles an hour. All I had left to
work with was the horse's ass and a cowboy hat.
Now he's president of the United States."

[Clinton Crusader]

59. Couldnt resist this one....

Dick Cheney, President * and his father are flying on Air Force One. Dick looks at Dubya, chuckles and says, "You know, I could throw a $100.00 bill out the window right now and make one person very happy."

Dubya shrugs his shoulders and says, "Well, I could throw ten $10.00 bills out the window and make 10 people very happy." George * Senior says, "Of course then, I could throw one-hundred $1.00 bills out the window and make a hundred people very happy."

The pilot rolls her eyes, looks at all of them and says, "I could throw all of you out the window and make the whole country happy."

[ND_Democrat]

60. LMAO!!

Good stuff!!!

[Nightowl_2004]

61. DAMMIT!!!!

That was freaking HILLARIOUS

*shakes fist angrily at star-stealer*

[Biased Liberal Media]

68. *snort!* that is good! n/t

[ThoughtCriminal]

62. What is the difference between involvement and commitment?

When you have bacon and eggs for breakfast, the chicken is involved, but the pig is committed.

[Jean Louise Finch]

63. only read if you like bad puns.

There was once a family of moles, that lived in their happy hole under the ground. There was Dad Mole, Mom Mole, and Baby Mole. One morning, Dad Mole came back home after going to find something to eat and said to his family, "My, it smells awfully weird out today." He went back to the hole and stuck his little nose outside again, and said "indeed! It smells like maple syrup, or something like this."

Mom Mole thought this sounded very strange, so she wiggled herself up there next to Dad Mole, squeezing into the small hole next to him and barely squished her nose up into the hole, and sniffed around. "You're right!" she exclaimed, "But it's not maple syrup---it smells like honey!"

Baby Mole was very curious about this and, liking sweet things, really wanted to sniff it out for himself. So, he came over to the hole opening where his parents were squished together. He tried to work his way up, but it was already very cramped and very crowded, and he just couldn't quite wiggle his nose up to the open air.

"Baby Mole," his dad asked, "Can you smell it? Does it smell like maple syrup or like honey?"

"Neither," said Baby Mole, "it smells like Mole asses!"

--
hee hee hee. Don't smack me.

[corporatemedia]

70. no matter who wins - i'm asking for a RECOUNT

[Nightowl_2004]

72. No official word yet but

I magically have a star! I take it that's a good thing!?

[hang a left]

79. Nightowl_2004 is the winner!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

[shesemsmom]

83. I loved that one lol

[Nightowl_2004]

90. Hooray for me!

:bounce:

[Nightowl_2004]

91. deleted (dupe)

dupe

[lakemonster11]

75. What's brown and sticky?

A stick! ;)

[BTFSTL]

76. GROANER JOKE OF THE WEAK!

Sylvester Stallone and Arnold Schwarzenegger were having lunch at a Hollywood eatery to discuss some ideas for films.

Sly looked at Ah-nuld and said, "Hey Arnold, let's make a movie about classical music. I can play Beethoven. Who would you like to play?"

Schwarzenegger look at Stallone and said, in his best Terminator voice, "I'll be Bach."

[kid a]

77. . . . and take JEB with you!!!

[Carla in Ca]

78. Here is mine

Two old guys are sitting at a bar. They love baseball and wonder if there is baseball in Heaven. They make a deal that who ever dies first will come back and let the other one know if they do or not.

Soon after, one of the old guys dies. In a short while, he returns to his friend in the bar and says "I have good news and bad news".
"There is baseball in Heaven, and the bad news is you're pitching Friday."

[DrDan]

81. so Junior gets pulled over once again by a Connecticut State Trooper

The Trooper asks him - "got any ID?"

Junior looks up at the trooper, through his blood-shot eyes and says - "'bout what?"

[rbnyc]

82. Why can't Hellen Keller have kids?

'Cause she's dead.

[ze_dscherman]

85. Why do middle-aged men grow a belly?

So the poor, unemployed dwarf at least has some shelter.

[Sivart]

88. How about this one -

Why don't southern Baptists have sex standing up???



They don't want any one to think they are dancing.

[TheCentepedeShoes]

89. Bill Clinton, Al Gore and George Bush

are on a trip together to a politically unstable third world country. On the first day there an uprising occurs, the boys are separated from their security detail and are captured by the rebels. Taken to a remote jungle outpost and installed in a cell, they quickly realize the seriousness of the situation. They agree that their only hope for survival is to escape back through the jungle and reach the capital. That night Bill, Al and George break out of their rickety prison, tiptoe past a snoozing guard and run into the jungle. It isn't long, however, before their absence is noted and the rebels, accompanied by a tracking dog, are in pursuit of their fleeing prisoners. The boys can hear the shouts of the men and the barking of the dog as the rebels gain on them. Bill pulls up, panting. "Guys, this isn't gonna work. With that dog on the scent, the rebels are sure to overtake us." "I've got it," says the quick thinking Gore. "We'll each hide in one of these tall trees. When the dog tracks you down just make an animal noise to confuse him." Bill and George agree that Al's plan sounds good, each man picks a tree and conceals himself in the branches. The rebels arrive first at Clinton's tree, the dog growling and clawing at the bark. "What's up there, boy?" his rebel handler asks. And from the top of the tree comes a clear "Meow-w-w." "Aw that's just a cat, you dumb dog," the rebel says, pulling the puzzled pooch away from the tree. They next arrive at Gore's tree, the dog doing the same act. And from the branches comes a plaintive "Whoo, Whoo, Whoo." Now the handler is really ticked, thinking he's stuck with the dumbest dog ever. Arriving finally at Bush's tree, the rebel is willing to give his mutt one last chance. As the dog barks and growls the handler ask again what he has managed to tree. And from the leafy loft comes a tentative "Uh - er - Moooo?"

[RevolutionaryActs]

92. Heres a short one...

... k are you ready?.......... *drum roll* George Bush is a smart man :silly:

[Bertha Venation]

93. How many Freudian therapists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to screw it in and the other to hold the penis. I mean ladder.

[Dora]

94. Knock-knock

"Who's there"
*
*
*
*
*
*
*
"Control Freak."

Pause, wait for the other person start to get the words out, then say to them:

"Now YOU say 'control freak who?'"

[Shakespeare]

95. Me: Knock-knock!

You: Who's there?

Me: Interrupting cow.

You: Interrupting c--(I now interrupt by yelling "MOOOO!").

I love this joke, and so do a zillion other people. Google this one and you'll be amazed!

[obreaslan]

96. Here goes....

An elderly gentleman was walking through Central Park one morning. As he strolled the paths he came upon a group of kids. The kids couldn't have been more than 8 or 9 years old.

The man was horrified to see one of the kids light up a cigarrette.

In his outrage, he runs over to scold the young boy.

"What are you doing?" he shouts.

"Don't you realize that smoking is bad for you? It'll give you cancer, stunt your growth, and ruin your life!"

The young boy stops talking to his friends and responds, "Well, my grandfather lived to be 103 years old!"

The man says, "Wow, did he smoke too?"

The boy, "No, he minded his own f*ckin' buisiness!"

[Kay Autic]

99. Two women die and meet at the pearly gates...

One askes the other, "How did you die?"

Woman 2: "I froze to death."

Woman 1; "That must have been aweful!?"

W2: No, not really, I stopped shaking after a while and just kind of drifted off, peacful really. How did you go?

W1: Oh, I had a massive heart attack

W2: Really? What brought that on?

W1: Well, I knew, just knew my husband was having an affair, so I ran home and started looking everywhere I could think of. Under all the beds, in all the closets, even in the kids toybox. I was running around like mad I was so sure he was cheating on me, and then all the sudden, bam!, I just dropped.

W2: If you had looked in the freezer, we'd both be alive.

[RUDUing2]

100. A letter from a Redneck Mother..

From A Mother With Love
Dear Child,

I am writing this slow because I know that you can't read fast.

We don't live where we did when you left home.

Your dad read in the paper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home so we moved.

I won't be able to send you the address, as the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they left so that they wouldn't have to change their address.

This place is real nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure if it works too well though.

Last week I put a load in, pulled the chain, and haven't seen them since.

The weather isn't too bad here., it only rained twice last week, The first time it rained for three days and the second time for four days. The coat you wanted me to send you, your Uncle Steve said it would be a little too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. We got another bill from the funeral home.

They said if we don't make the last payment on Grandma's grave, up she comes. John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were worried because it took him two hours to get me and Shelby out.

Your sister had a baby this morning but I haven't found out what it is yet, so I don't know if you're an aunt or an uncle. If the baby is a girl, your sister is going to name it after me, she's going to call it Mom.

Uncle Pete fell in a whiskey vat last week. Some man tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated and he burned for three days.

Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.

There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened.

PS, I was going to send you some money but the envelope was already sealed.