why do people cheat on their spouses/mates?

[Bertha Venation]

Seriously. Not counting open marriages: Why do married people or those in otherwise equally committed relationships start other intimate relationships?

[Lautremont]

1. They want to stave off aging and death

by simultaneously regressing to an earlier time in their lives and engaging in one of the most life-affirming acts there is.

That or they just want to have more sex, period.

[Wat_Tyler]

2. Are you asking that rhetorically, or seriously?

AFAIC - the answer is boredom, desire and sex. I totally understand the impulse, even though I've never acted upon it.

[mike_c]

3. can't answer because I've never done it....

But I've always wondered the same thing. One relationship seems difficult enough-- or perhaps time consuming enough is a better way to put it, maybe both- so it's always seemed to me that trying to maintain multiple relationships simultaneously is madness.

on edit: using multiple relationships as throw-away sex flings didn't really occur to me until I read the earlier replies in this thread-- I tend to be very committed to my partners-- but it really begs the question "is that really cheating?" in the sense that it suggests such poor regard for all of the affected participants that I'd have to wonder whether there's really any "relationship" to cheat on. It suggests a VERY cheap approach to valuing both the primary relationship and the "sex flings."

[underpants]

7. After seeing the co-worker I just had in my office I think I have an idea

WOW! Recently divorced and.........oh well you get the idea.

No I haven't either but I think it is just weakness. I have sort of had opportunities* but I made a promise and I couldn't take myself seriously if I did.

*-meaning can't miss signs that would have triggered action when I was single.

[motely36]

4. For the same reason the alcoholic drinks

They are missing something in their lives and sex like alcohol helps to fill that void. Sex can become an addiction just like drugs, alcohol, gambleing, etc.

[Magrittes Pipe]

5. Because monogamy runs counter to humans' natural instincts.

People can make choices to be monogamous, but it's very difficult to fight instinct.

[mike_c]

10. I'm a biologist so I certainly agree with you in a general sense...

...but more and more-- maybe just a reflection of my own aging libido?-- I find my own experience runs counter to the general notion of male polygamy being the most "satisfying" condition. It is certainly true that sperm are cheap and that male reproductive success is usually maximized by mating as frequently as possible with as many females as possible. Even if it's only cultural however, and I tend to think there's more to it than that, there does seem to be some aspect of human mating behavior that favors monogamy, with serial monogamy likely standing in for polygamy as the "best" mating strategy. And I mean some evolved biological basis for monogamous behavior, not just "white-knuckling" monogamy in cultural denial of our basic instincts.

[Magrittes Pipe]

14. I tend to agree with the idea of serial monogamy...

...as a "best" mating strategy.

True, there is evidence that seems to suggest that non-polygamy is not PURELY culturally-based. The majority of what makes up monogamous practices in Western Civilization is probably cultural; but falling in love with someone so deeply that one ignores others (for a time, anyway) is pretty deeply ingrained in us, more deeply rooted than pure cultural biases would likely explain.

Human infants take longer to achieve independence than other animals. Mom can't do that on her own -- "dad" doesn't have to be there, of course, but she does need some help from somebody. Therefore, it's probably biologically beneficial to have some sort of attachment to one's breeding partners. After all, if the offspring cannot survive to an age where it can pass along its genes, the whole point of reproduction is lost.

[warrens]

24. Serial monogomy is what we appear to have evolved to...

Given the emotional and financial advantages of monogomy, but the biological thrust for being a bunch of sluts, we seem to have found a middle ground. As the exploding number of second and third marriages points out. Or second and third shackings-up.

[Bertha Venation]

12. Do you think that if one does NOT fight that instinct, then

that person is excused from breaking his/her vow/committment?

[Magrittes Pipe]

13. Well, that's the thing.

Whereas I don't think most people are cut out for that commitment, I do believe people should honor the commitments that they do make.

I see the moral failure as predating the "straying," however. I think the greatest mistake that those who sleep around make is in making the commitment in the first place. Sure, breaking promises is bad -- but the surest way to avoid that is to never make promises you can't keep. Those who are unable to be monogamous should not promise monogamy.

[Scout]

6. because they have no personal honor. eom

[elehhhhna]

8. chemistry &/or convenience. booze is also usually involved.

my theory is that you cycle through in & out of love probably several times in your life and you can trade partners every time or focus a bit and do the cycles with one committed (very) person. The second one is harder and probably not as fun in a dangerously, deliriously infatuated sense, but it's easier on the kids and the budget.

[sui generis]

9. by cheat do you mean a single fling or an ongoing romance?

I think that in the first case it's probably circumstance, poor judgement and no forethought of consequences. Much more forgivable if only happens once.

In the second circumstance, it means something is missing in the current relationship. Hard to forgive even when it only happens once.

I agree that if you have a real human relationship that you're "in to" with your S.O., you don't have time for "outside" relationships, and what's more, if you're committed for real, then you are committed to your S.O. If something is missing you'll work on it together, or you won't be together for long.

[Chef]

11. Cheating

Not an easy question to answer. The thrill of new flesh, because they can, or some other deep seated psychological reason. Speaking from personal experience, I fell madly in love. I had never entertained the thought that I would ever be unfaithful, but no amount of guilt would stop me from acting on my impulses. I am not pleased that the experience showed me what I was capable of, but there is nothing that I can do about it now, and given the circumstances, I don't know how things could have turned out otherwise. I have remained faithful to my current mate for 20 years, so I don't consider myself a serial cheater. The truth is, I have no idea why I was moved to give up my partner for another. It was a very selfish thing to do, but all-in-all, I think things turned out for the better.

[SheilaT]

15. There are probably as many

different reasons as there are people who cheat.

Here's one that hasn't yet been considered in this thread, which is perhaps the relationship is essentially over, and yet the two are still living together/married and one of them falls in love with a new person. That doesn't excuse the infidelity, but puts it in a context.

Some people are attracted to the chase, others always want someone new. Sometimes there's a revenge motive, if the partner has already cheated. On and on.

[warrens]

16. Because monogomy is an unnatural condition

For men OR women. Biologically speaking.

[KinkyDem]

25. Worse

Honesty seems very lacking in human sexual interaction. The truth is that humans remain sexual thru their entire lifespan. If you cannot admit that you find someone other than your SO attractive then why would you admit your intent, desire or actuality of having sex with them?

For an intersting read on the subject of non-mono relationships existing in non-industrial cultures read A Return To Laughter.

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/0385053126/qid=1100881569/sr=1-1/ref=sr_1_1/103-1603656-4020648?v=glance&s=books

[bluestategoddess]

17. Humans are not meant to be monogamous

The idea that we should rely on one person to fulfill all our needs, both physically and emotionally for our entire lives seems rather absurd if you think about it. History shows us that remaining faithful is not the norm, just look at the number of folks who find lovers and/or get a divorce because they meet someone new.

Strict monogamy was great when we lived to be 40 years old, I don’t think it works well anymore.

[the Princess]

34. I agree completely

:)

[tigereye]

35. I think it can work well if you are committed to your partner

and interested in long term relationship growth. Also I think it works well for raising children as long as the relationship is sound. Sometimes long acquaintance or marriage can be a very good thing and you grow together in great ways. That has been my experience for more than 20 years.

On the silly side, you would have to teach a new lover/partner all your tricks or train them. Sometimes the familiar is better than the new. :silly:

[bluestategoddess]

49. you can be committed

To someone and not be monogamous. Does that seem odd? Many people over the centuries have done it. It is possible to love more than one person.

[leftofthedial]

18. horny, angry, insecure, addicted

seduced, stupid, impulsive, thrill-seeking, can't say no, egocentric . . .

I can think of lots of reasons. None of them particularly good reasons, but most of them pretty compelling and pretty understandable.

[MsAnthropy]

19. When they came up with that idea life expectancy was about 30 n/t

[jukes]

20. PRIMATES

are notoriously promiscuous.



edit: btw, i'm a serial-monogomist. commit, remain faithful, & wait anticipating the day when they desert me in disgust...

[XNASA]

21. Because when the 'Until Death Do Us Part' idea was spawned....

Most people only lived to be 30 years old, on average.

:shrug:

(I'm just pulling these figures out of the air.)

[SarahB]

22. They have problems in their primary relationship.

That was the case for me anyway. I am a natural monogamist. I like monogamy. I figured out a long time ago that "getting" sex comes easily for me, but when I'm with someone, love them, we are communicative together, and the sex is good, I don't consider it (not that I'm not attracted to other men, it's just that I know it's not worth it). When the point came that I did considered it (overwhelmingly so- a few opportunities solely based on mutual lust and physical attraction, another more seriously which was rather cerebral in our interaction), I had to step back and take a long look at myself, my marriage, and figure out exactly what I wanted or needed. I knew for years that deep down I wanted out, but felt stuck, trapped, and like there were no options, so I figured out the options and how to do it. It's taken awhile for things to come together in order to go, but it's almost there. I have never cheated physically, though perhaps emotionally at the end, but I refuse to do anything in the physical realm until legalities are started. Otherwise, it just feels wrong.

It'll still take me a long time before I feel ready to completely commit to anyone either. I don't want to get this wrong again. I still wouldn't lie to anyone I was involved with and would prefer to be a person to end a relationship before I'd consider starting another. To me, that just seems like simple decency and respect for someone. There's plenty of people who are intelligent and good looking who haven't cheated, even in some pretty major circumstances. One could argue we go too far into the realm of self-sacrificing emotional masochism or perhaps one could argue we have character and don't want to treat people as just "things" for our pleasure.

edit:
Obviously, if a mutually agreed upon open relationship is something people want, this doesn't apply. I'm just speaking in terms of myself.

[rbnyc]

23. chemistry plus...

...the ability to compartmentalize.

[the Princess]

38. Chemistry

will get you EVERY time! EVERY time! LOL

[RaleighNCDUer]

26. When you come down to it, they aren't cheating on the other --

unless it is in retaliation for the other's previous transgression, a different matter entirely -- but they are cheating on themselves. They are trying to fix something about themselves by projection. IMHO.

[ProfessorGAC]

27. I Don't Get It Either, Bertha

It's especially confusing when most studies show that there is almost no difference between men and women in the fraction of married cheaters.

I'd sure think the reasons for cheating would be different between men and women, but maybe not.

I don't get why sex is so important that it would lead to breaking a trust. Even if the sex at home wasn't great, what about all the other parts of a relationship.

Maybe there are just too many bad relationships.
The Professor

[Moonbeam_Starlight]

28. Um

totally and completely, in every single way being ignored by the spouse for two years, then sudden attention by a hunky coworker who thinks you are the best thing since sliced bread and pays loads of attention to you and convincing yourself things won't go too far then the neglectful spouse going out of town for a month will pretty much do it. Plus a heavy case of cognitive dissonance on the part of the cheating spouse.

Not that I would know. (Disclaimer: what was described above would best be labled as a one time thing, long in the past and GREATLY regretted, NOT a relationship or emotional commitment.)

Again, not that I would know.

[skygazer]

29. I can't imagine

As far as I'm concerned, it's difficult enough dealing with one relationship - I have no interest in dealing with two.

However, I can understand how people wind up in one time flings. Hell, I've done that though I had no intention to until it happened. The old "caught up in the moment" thing and your marriage is not in the best of places. Shit happens.

I've never tried to carry on a long term affair, though. Seems like too much stress to me.

[rene moon]

30. Selfishness

plain and simple.

[VelmaD]

31. Nearly every married person I know...

is in a relationship where the partners have VASTLY divergent sex drives. I really feel for the partners who want more sex and aren't getting it. Most of them have told me that they have tried to discuss the situation with their spouse and all it leads to is fights that spread over into other parts of their relationship. They feel like they have no good options...they can either keep fighting about it, give up and never get what they want sexually, or find someone else to have sex with. It sucks.

[the Princess]

36. That is a BIG issue in most marriages

But most people will never say it is. The sex couple be earth shaking when you first meet - after say 10 years it's not so much anymore. Lives change people change sex drives change and it's not so easy to get it bakc. Somtimes you do just have to accept what it has become. But why not find someone who can give you what your spouse cannot? Heck it could save the marriage. JMHO

[yellowcanine]

43. No - that is what masturbation is for - I am serious. Why screw up

at least 3 lives - yours, your spouse's and the "other" person's - just because you are not getting enough sex when you have the capability to "do" yourself? Besides, if you are both committed to the relationship, it can get better. Do something to strengthen the relationship and you might be surprised at what will happen naturally.

[UdoKier]

45. It depends though. There are spouses who are not bothered by dalliances..

...so long as they are not "serious".

I used to think monogamy was so important, but I don't anymore. I have never cheated on my wife because I think it would hurt her feelings if she found out. But I don't think it would be "wrong" per se. I'd be super jealous if she cheated, so fair is fair - I don't cheat.

[the Princess]

46. Are you married?

Have you ever been in this situation? It's not that simple. And for me anyway - masturbation would never be enough. That's just the way it is for me. And in this given situation - the spouse who wants the other to live a less than satisfactory sex life is the selfish one.

I was very sick a few years back - sex was impossible for quite a while. I gave my husband the option of going outside the marriage for sex if he wanted to. I had no right to expect him to live a sexless life. Sometimes in a marriage you have to look beyond your own needs or wants to let your spouse get their needs met too. That to me is what real love is.

:)

[SarahB]

47. very true

Sometimes just in terms of quality rather than quantity. I could have lived with it if I felt that he treated me well in other ways and would have actually communicated with me instead of treating me like I had the problem. Unfortunately, that wasn't the case. :(

[catmandu57]

32. After being on the wrong end of this

I thought about it, and what I came up with was she wanted to upgrade to a model with all the bells and whistles, trouble was once it got started it became too easy to do.
It really bothered me at the time, I was committed to her and at the very least she could have said goodby before I had to go to the county health clinic.
I'm happy now, and like I tell the marshmallow woman don't worry I don't have the emergy to go chasing after what I already have.

[the Princess]

33. This is such a complicated question

But I will regale you with my opinion. :)

I don't think anyone can be faithful to one person for a lifetime. I think it is against human nature. And I also think the idea of there being only *ONE* person that is *perfect* for you is rediculous. There can be many many people in ones life that you could love and have a good intimate connection with. Why be limited to just one? It's a church made concept that we can only have one love in our lives. It's rediculous.

American society is very purtitanicla still. In Euriope it is just assumed you will have lovers even tho you are married. One has nothing to do with the other. You can be married happily and want to spend your life with that person and STILL want an intimate relationship with someone else you connect with. It can happen and if there are two adults in that relationship they both know sex - or even loving another outside the marriage - cannot change the committment the two have made.

And last but not least. People are selfish. They don't want to share their food let alone their partner. I am convinced most people get married because they don't want anyone else to *have* the person they are in love with. That is purely selfish and will eventually put a strangle hold in the person you say you love. Love is about giving the one you love freedom within that love. Not putting them in a cage so only you can look at them.

Hey this is just my opinion. I felt like rambling today. I imagine I'll get flamed. But who cares. :)

[bluestategoddess]

50. I'm with you

All the way Princess.

[the Princess]

52. Thank you Goddess!

That's nice to hear. :)

[NashVegas]

59. Good Answer

I also wonder about the word(s) "faithful/unfaithful" in regards to affairs.

Who is unfaithful? Are those who have affairs, but remains otherwise committed to a primary relationship, lacking faith in their main partner's ability to satisfy them, or are the ones who say 'stray and we're through' lacking faith in their partner's ability to remain committed?

[the Princess]

62. Now that's a GOOOOD question.

Who is unfaithful? Are those who have affairs, but remains otherwise committed to a primary relationship, lacking faith in their main partner's ability to satisfy them, or are the ones who say 'stray and we're through' lacking faith in their partner's ability to remain committed?

I tend to think that the one insisting the other not stray outside the marriage is not only putting a choke hold on their partner but also doubting the strength of the partnership.

Just because you get married or are in a committed relationship does not mean you give up who you are or a life outside said marriage.

I think we as people need to rethink this whole *there can be only one* thing. It seems to be doomed to failure considering how high the divorce rate is.

:)

[Madame X]

37. You may as well ask "why is the sky blue?"

If sociologists, psychologists, psychiatrists, physiologists, anthropologists, poets, playwrights, musicians and comedians still don't know the reason, how can we?

[CO Liberal]

39. An Old Saying - "Marry in Haste - Repent At Leisure"

Many people get married for the wrong reasons, only to regret their choice later. I should know - my first two marriages ended in divorce because we rushed into it and turned out to be totally non-compatible. I learned my lesson with The Princess. :loveya:

And I think that leads many people to look outside their marriages for what is lacking IN their marriages.

Also, Chris Rock raised an interesting point during one of his comedy specials a while back - "A man is only as faithful as his options.", or words to that effect.

[Kiteflyer]

40. The grass is greener

on the other side and... their lawnmower is broken....to put it into yard terms so even you gardners will understand.

[Kiteflyer]

41. The grass is greener

on the other side and... their lawnmower is broken....to put it into yard terms so even you gardners will understand.

[Kiteflyer]

42. The grass is greener

on the other side and... their lawnmower is broken....to put it into yard terms so even you gardners will understand.

[City of Mills]

44. Poor communication, self-esteem issues and

taking your significant other for granted. Those are some big reasons. You will have a hard time making someone feel genuinely loved if you don't love and respect yourself first. My wife and I have great communication, we always talk things out and never go to bed mad, EVER. There is no argument or principle which excuses this. Also, I never EVER call her any names. When you've been with someone a while, you sometimes forget how good it feels to touch and be touched, not just sexually, but in small ways like stroking hair, backrubs etc. Remember that your significant other grew up with different parents than you (hopefully!), so sometimes the things about them that drive you crazy aren't intentional, just a facet of their upbringing. I would never cheat on my wife. If I felt that unhappy with her, I would tell her "Look, we need to talk, I'm concerned about us and I don't like the way I feel about our relationship, and I need you to work things out with me", or something to that effect. I just realized I went off on a tangent just now, sorry!

[nini]

48. If you wanna keep sampling the goods you shouldn't commit to someone

It's very simple. You have a choice. Decide what is more important to you and stick with it.

I would never cheat on someone I'm in a relationship with and hope they would honor me in the same way.

[the Princess]

53. OK that's for you

But some of us are more than capable of doing both. Being in a committed relationship and loving others outside that marriage.

It is only a problem if you make it one. There doesn't have to be a choice. :)

[nini]

54. why would you want or need to go elsewhere if the relationship is working?

if the relationship is all it should be then there would be no need or want to look elsewhere.


but, yes it's my choice and one I will stick to.

[the Princess]

56. Because there is no such thing as Perfect

when it comes to marriage. And that is one hell of a burdon to put on another person. No one person can be everything to you. It's impossible. The whole thing about your spouse being *everything * is a myth. I also think it's a main reason so many marriages end - you expect too much form your spouse and when they cannot live up to it - we as people want out and want to look for that *one perfect person* - when in fact there is no such thing.

I love my husband with all my heart - but I have no illusions that I can fulfill every single one of his needs nor that he can do that for me. It's not a bad thing - it's human.

I wish you luck. :)

[Champ]

51. I have no idea really - Probaly Genes

I considered it only to show my SO how it feels, so basically as revenge. But I couldn't even do that, I don't even flirt if I'm in a committed relationship. I don't see the need to cheat when I can have the person I love any chance I get. I seen reports that infidelity was in the genes I believe it, cheating doesn't even appeal to me because I don't want to do anything that will jeopordize the relationship and also the one who is being cheating with. If I'm going through problems I try to work it out, cheating sure as hell isn't going to eliminate those problems. I hear others say "It is so hard not to cheat" and those who say "It is easy for me to say no." maybe it has something to do with genes because it is f'king easy for me not to cheat and don't understand why others do.

Oh here is the story:
http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/3783031.stm
Some people may be genetically programmed to be unfaithful to their partner, a scientist has claimed.
Professor Tim Spector, of the Twin Research Unit at St Thomas' Hospital, London, says he has evidence of a genetic component to infidelity.

Focusing on women, he found that if one of a pair of twins had a history of infidelity, the chances her sister would also stray were about 55%.

In general it is estimated that just 23% of women are not faithful.

[Squeech]

55. Because the marriage sucks?

Here's a generalization, offered with the understanding that it's a generalization, subject to wilt under analysis:

I don't think most American marriages are undertaken with a full understanding of what the institution of marriage entails.

Instead, people get married because they expect to be taken care of by a spouse, or because their parents expect it of them, or because there's some other social pressure (real or assumed). Then they wake up to the reality that a marriage involves daily compromises with another human, who is not necessarily the handsome prince(ss) (s)he presented him/her/self as when they were still in the dating phase. And then there's the additional stresses of trying to make a life in the 21st century.

And what's worse is, there's a humongous cultural assumption that marriages *are* or *should be* happily ever after, like in the movies or bodice-ripper novels or fairy tales or what have you, so people assume their marriage is uniquely awful. Not so; lots of marriages suck.

You may notice that I wrote the above in the third person, as if to suggest that my marriage isn't like that at all. Well, it is. I'm a selfish bastard, and Mrs. Squeech is a jerk. Periodically we have to drop back ten yards and punt and forgive each other for cumulative assholery :shrug: It's more or less worked so far.

[Samurai_Writer]

57. Because they are selfish assholes?

That's just a guess...

[the Princess]

58. Sounds like a judgement to me.

:shrug:

[LoZoccolo]

60. They're don't like their spouses anymore.

Maybe they bother them or whatever.

[GingerSnaps]

61. They witnessed their mom or dad doing it so they think that it's Ok

Something is missing in their life's and they need a way out. You don't want to leave the person but you don't want to stay with them either so they cheat.

Some people keep looking for something better because they are never satisfied with what they have. People that keep looking for something better are the ones that end up without a partner in the end.

What hurts even worse is when you make excuses about someone that you know is cheating on you. You can feel that your instinct is right and that the cheating is going on but, you don't want to admit it until they have screwed you over for a long time. In the end you end up hating the person because they didn't tell you the truth in the first place.

It's that gut instinct that tells you that the person is cheating and you should believe it when it comes on.

Womens intuition is a gift from God. :hug:

[VOX]

63. Numerous reasons: Loneliness, pain, depression, boredom...

Most of which mean that the primary committed relationship needs some work, or it's a dead shark.

Although the catalyst does not always have to be negative -- for example, sometimes two people work very closely together on an office project, and deep feelings/attachments can develop. Unforunately, what happens next is that someone usually gets hurt, no matter what the action is, even if it is *nothing.*