Need advice...

[peacefreak]

This is kind of delicate, so I hope I explain it well enough. There's a gay guy at work that constantly is making sexual comments--the scandals of Hollywood, wooo hhooo, looking for the sexual underbelly of everything. I know some things about the gay culture because several people close to me are, so I know what he's talking about. Usually I can listen & not be too upset about it.
He recently has been making comments about me being a lesbian. I'm not. I'm a quiet lady who was really badly burned in a long term marriage. I don't date & most of my friends are women.
I feel it's mild harrassment. I don't think it's the type of thing worth him getting in trouble for. Basically I think he's a real lonely person looking for attention. I know he is under psychiatric care for a number of problems, so I view it as part of his situation. But I also don't feel I should have to explain or defend myself.
I don't want to bring this into management, but I feel it is very inappropiate. Any ideas on how to handle this?

[cherryperry]

1. Well, free advice is worth just what you paid for, but

since you asked...

I would take him aside and tell him EXACTLY what you just told us.

If he doesn't, pardon the term, straighten up, you will have no choice but to take this to management. Just as it is not acceptable to single out any particular member of any particular minority group, it is also not acceptable for you to have to put up with this.

Just one woman's opinion...


:shrug: :pals:

[elfin]

2. However, this might make it worse

if he has psych. problems. Feeling threatened, he might become destructive and escalate into a truly nasty in office situation.

Perhaps better to talk to other co-workers and see if you are not alone. THEN go to management as a GROUP.

That way, you are not out on a limb and an easy target for his wrath.

[cherryperry]

3. Good advice!

Sorry I didn't think of the group thing. elfin is correct, IMO.

[peacefreak]

4. I don't think he means any harm

but his mouth rules more than his brain does. He can be a bit of a gossip so this could blow way out of proportion.

[Habibi]

6. What cherryperry said.

I don't think his sexuality has anything to do with it, but I can understand why you might feel hesitant about speaking up because of it. However, if you have a co-worker who's making you uncomfortable, you owe it to yourself--and him!--to take him aside and make your feelings known. Maybe he doesn't realize the effect his comments have on you. (Just 'cause he's gay doesn't mean he's not clueless! )

Do you get along with him at all? Is he somebody you can kid around with? That would make taking him aside easier. Perhaps he'd even appreciate your sharing your discomfort with him. He might turn 180 degrees and become protective, rather than resentful. In any case, you can't let the situation go on.

As for taking it to manglement, well, sometimes that's what you need to do. But I vote for talking with him privately at first.

[unblock]

5. first thing is, don't bring it to management

bring it to human resources instead. management tends to bring the business angle into the picture, leading to poor solutions to h.r. issues, e.g., solve the problem by firing whichever employee you need less or costs you more. h.r. generally lacks firing authority and in any event doesn't bring things like work performance into the picture.

second thing is, don't bring it to human resources. just talk to him and tell him you'd appreciate it if would accept that you're straight and treat you as such. if he persists, and especially if he starts to tease you about it or about making an "issue" out of it, then go ahead and get h.r. involved.

if he's under psychiatric care, and especially if he's on mood-affecting medications, the americans with disabilities act will protest him. the employer has to make reasonable accomodations for his disorders, and if that includes making inappropriate comments, he's protected.

"reasonable accomodation" doesn't mean they can force you to endure whatever crap comes out of his mouth. but they can easily do things like separate the two of you and/or your work duties as needed to minimize contact.

if you're at all the kind of person who can just ignore and dismiss such things, chalk it up to the guy being a whack job and/or a jerk, then that's the best and easiest approach. if you must act, treat it as a very mild form of innappropriate office talk, which is about all it is.

do NOT make a big stink about it. much bad and little good can come from that.

good luck!

[peacefreak]

8. I have no intention of making a big stink about it

And I do over-look alot of what is said. I suppose I should gently confront him. We work in a very small company. Neither one of us can afford to lose our jobs.

[Kamika]

7. Tell him how you feel nicely

if that doesnt work, well you can be abit harscher,in worst case to straight to the boss.

You have no obligation to protect anyone that makes you feel bad