Any women above 18 that can give a bit of advice to a 22 male?

[Hosnon]

I f*cking can't quite understand ya'll!

[acmavm]

1. It's a two-way street. Few women understand what motivate you men

either.

[Hosnon]

2. Yea...but this is pretty straight forward...female? nt

[Eurobabe]

3. what's up?

[fleabert]

4. Pick a specific pls. Be glad to tell you how it is for, me at least.

[ogradda]

5. awaiting details

yes??

[Hosnon]

6. Alright, cool...relying on DU females here;) Here's the story:

I met a girl at a bar last weekend and we got along great. As far as I could tell, she was interested. I got her number at the end of the night and told her i would call her. SHe lives about 3 hours away but we hit it off that good (so I thought). So last monday, I called her and talked a good bit and she seemed happy to hear from me. She said if I ever came through her town, which is on my way home, that I should call her and we would hang out. On wednesday, i called and said that I was going home sat. (today) and wouldnt mind leaving a day early and hanging out with her in her town...she said that would be great and that she could show me a good time in her town. As far as my intuition goes...it was going better than expected - based on our conversation. She told me to call her thursday and we would verify things for friday night ( i was committed to getting a hotel room because we dont know each other and things seem to work better like that in these situations). I called her on thursday...got her answering machine on the cell and left a message to call me back. Never heard from her.

SO what's up? I wouldn't mind a simple: not interested. But she acted interested and then didnt return the call. I would be cool if she called back and said she didnt want me to come. I'm 22, she's 20 (I assume) and I feel that we're mature enough to not make this a dramatic thing as long as things are honest. That's how I wanted it.

One thing...she may have a boyfriend because when I met her it seemed that there was a guy that was very mad that she was talking to me as much as she did.

Thoughts?

[ogradda]

7. there was a guy that was mad?

did she tell you that or did you hear this guy? was it an i'm in a relationship but i just got in a fight with my boyfriend kind of thing?

[Hosnon]

8. Well I kinda picked it up...I was wasted and so was she and

my friends said that it seemed to them that shit was about to go down. I mean...if it was a boyfriend then he's got some problems because i would never let my girlfiend do with a guy what she did with me (spend all night talking, drinking, taking a few shots). I, personally (may be wrong) think it may have been a guy that COULD be a boyfriend...in the beginning stages or so. If it was a solid boyfriend then the whole situation is as such that he needs to either grow some balls or admit she is out of his control.

[ogradda]

10. well obviously she likes you

but it would explain why she is suddenly dodging you if she made up with some guy she'd been fighting with. unless she got sick or something came up but then i would have thought she could have got a hold of you by now.

[Hosnon]

12. Right...and of course...I got a bit drunk tonight and hung out with

some of my (male) buddies who convinced me to call her tonight and give her the '3' fuck yous...i called and no answer. it shouldnt be that big of a deal because i dont know her but she was the first girl in a long time that renewed my faith in women and their ability to connect beyond college-crap

[ogradda]

13. i don't think it's bad you let her know you're pissed

she needs to realize you have feelings too.

[Hosnon]

15. Well, I didn't leave a message....and my sense of things tells me that

when she see's i called at 3 am...that's a bad thing.

[jmm]

50. This was the first girl in a long time to renew your faith in women?

Some smashed chick has shots with you while her possible boyfriend is watching and this is the one you connect with? You don't know her age and you don't know her well enough to stay at her place but you're willing to spend the money on a hotel room so you can spend time with her to get to know her better? If you really want to find someone you can connect with try slowing things down and not picking up women in bars.

[cally]

49. Her BF should control her????

She is out of his control?? Are you serious about this??? A male should control his GF or his wife?? Look at your attitude and you will understand why intelligent, informed women won't date you.

[Spock_is_Skeptical]

9. Sounds like she just flaked out on you, plain and simple

Pretty lame to not come out and tell you she didn't want you to come, and to just not return your call. Or at least to call & give some BS story about 'something suddenly came up' would have been considerate enough.
Maybe she does have a boyfriend, who knows.

People who make commitments to a plan & flake out at the last minute = LAME!

[Hosnon]

11. Yea that's what sucks...I rarely am interested physically AND mentally in

a girl and she fit the bill. Im in law school and she is going to law school. She is a repug (don't hate me) but at least she has the same passion for politics that I have. I thought she was more on the level about things and it seems that I'm getting some undergrad-sorority drama type crap. I have finals coming up and am interested in down to earth type relationships. Ive been stressed because she's pulling this type of stuff and its pissing me off and I know I shouldnt let it but hey...I'm a guy and I'm into her...what can I say - such makes the world go round.

[Guaranteed]

14. I'm pretty good friends with a girl like this

Well- I don't know if it's exactly the same thing, but basically this chick perpetually sets up plans and then backs out, or "flakes," or whatever. It's ridiculous.

I just stopped talking to her, stopped setting up plans with her.

[Hosnon]

17. But she's not a friend...we met - she gave me her number and I

called her...things were going great as far as my intuition can tell me. I just thought it was going cool. If she had a boyfriend...tell me and I'll lay off. This type of thing seems very simple in that regard.

[Guaranteed]

18. Yeah, dude, just forget it.

This isn't something to pursue, it seems to me. She lives three hours away, anyway.

[Hosnon]

21. Yea...probably right. I'm just past the bullshit stage of dating and

would like definite answers to things...this type of thing makes it seem as though I am in middle school or so.

[Guaranteed]

23. For me, it always helps to just stop looking.

Enjoy being by yourself, not being stuck in anything. You've got your freedom- it's really beautiful.

I've been with my girlfriend for a couple of years now- I love her, she's the best, but I do miss the freedom.

[Hosnon]

24. Yea but as is the case, in general, the grass IS better

on the other side. I'm in the south and, this may be stereotypical, women my age that are attractive to me AND interested in politics (whatever the persuasion) are extremely uncommon. Usually, I run girls off between the ages of 18 and 22 because I'm a political animal.

I guess I got excited to find one that fit the bill to the T and was interested in me. Us males like to have the reassurance of the fairer sex:)

[fleabert]

20. My gut reaction until I read the last bit

was to give the benefit of the doubt, maybe the message got erased or she's sick or whatever. you don't know her, so don't have any reason to think she's a bitch so why not give her a break once? If she did it again, fuck her, she's playing with you to get the attention.

but then, i read the BF bit. Hummmm. I agree with other posters that she may have rekindled the romance with the other guy. May have used you and your message to get both back with and at him. I would wait a week and if she doesn't call, chalk it up to you getting in the middle of a lover's spat and she's a bitch. If she has caller ID, she knows you called again when she wasn't home, so she should know to call back if she wants to.

some girls are bitches. some aren't. don't lose faith. Maybe you are destined to find an educated, kind, passionate, progressive woman; rather than a drunk Republican. :-)

[Hosnon]

22. You know what? You are exactly right...I always tell

my buddies when they are having similar type troubles: Ask yourself what she would be doing if she WAS interested in you.

I know that she has my number because she saved it the first time I called her.

If she wasn't interested then she wouldn't call me.
If she was interested then she would use the number and call to make sure things were on track.

She hasn't called back in a few days - if she was interested then she would have called.

Thanks. It's just too bad because I was actually into a girl to a significant degree for the first time in a while.

C'est la vie - Right:)

[fleabert]

25. yes, whatever will be be!

If she wasn't into you, it's her loss, not yours. You seem like a pretty cool guy who's willing to go out of his way to be with someone he's interested in, I am sure you will find the right one sometime soon. Be patient.

If she doesn't call by Wed. I would consider that your answer. You never know, she may have had to go out of town for work unexpectedly or had a death in the family. I am leaning towards her being a flake, but she may surprise you, and if that is the case, you get to decide if you are still interested! (I cannot help trying to give the benefit of the doubt, even when signs point to otherwise! That's why I got my heart broken a lot until I met my husband)

[Hosnon]

26. I thought you were a guy...good to know you are a female...always

helps to get that opinion because it is so alien to us:)

But my pride and anxiety won't let this rest. I mean, one reason why I kept in touch is that we are so far away and I'll never see her again unless things go the positive route. Should I call her and at least let the thing rest? It really sucks for me because I never get interested in that many women because it is hard to find political and attractive (to me) women.

[fleabert]

27. Yep, I'm a girl, a tomboy, but still a girl

NO! do not call her! don't chase her. no no no no no.

Look,

If she isn't interested: she's going to think you are a weirdo who won't leave her alone

If she's a little interested but unsure of how to move forward: she's going to get scared off with too much attention

If she's a lot interested: You have called her twice, it's her turn and she knows it. I never liked the needy guy, and no guy ever liked me if I was a needy girl.

the proverbial ball is in her court. She knew you were coming, you are on her caller ID and left one message, it's her move. You will mess it up if you call.

Like you said before, turn it around. What if you were her? What would you do/feel if she called you in each of the three scenarios above?

IMHO: DO NOT CALL HER.

[Hosnon]

28. You are right...that just sucks...I wanna know:)

[fleabert]

29. you will.

if she never calls, you didn't want to date her in the first place, you just didn't know it yet. Only a bitch would do something like that. (or a dick for equality's sake)

if she does call, you can ask her what happened, although you shouldn't have to, she should call with an explanation as the first thing out of her mouth.

[Hosnon]

34. Yes...just wish life wasnt as complex (not black and white) as

she didn't call = she doesnt like me me and she calls = she likes me.

I just like things on the level. I'll tell the truth of the situation and would like the same. The emotion games are cool once the ball gets rolling but not before.

[Hosnon]

30. BUT...do girls (18-22) really call a guy if they are interested? It seems

to me that our masculine society would frown upon it and a girl (esp. a sorority girl) would not call a guy.

[ogradda]

32. my daughter is 22

and she calls guys. often. they call her too.

[fleabert]

33. I was not a sorority girl, so i can't speak on that, but

I certainly called guys when I was interested in them, especially after they had made the initial call and left their number. and I am from the south. (TX) and, that was several years ago, 11 to be exact.

I might just have been a slut, but all of my friends felt the same way. :toast:

After the ice has been broken, the girl not calling thing is moot IMO.

Unless you are dealing with a 'Rules' girl, and in that case, get the fuck away from her. That shit is stupid and manipulative.

edited to add: everyone knows the slut thing was a joke right? I so wasn't a slut! :-)

[Hosnon]

35. Haha, yeah...understood without the edit....I'm just

disappointed because she def. seems like a girl that won't play games (granted I don't know her well but I consider myself a good judge of personality) and I was hoping she wouldnt. It started out wihtout the games and now it seems it has fallen into that crap I went through in college. I know there's a game but I'd like to think that her and I were at the point where we could at least let each other know if the game was possible of being played...

[fleabert]

37. don't get too discouraged,

she's just one person out of millions, you will find one you really click with. I am a bit of freak and wondered if I ever would, I did when and where I least expected it. that is so cliche, but cliches become cliches for a reason!

Perhaps you need to start asking women out that are not found drunk in bars? I think MoveOn has a dating forum that hooks up like minded singles...maybe not moveon, air america? I can't remember. But if I were single today, I would not even try and find someone the way I did, it is way too likely that one would keep meeting uber-conservatives in the south! I would find a way to surround myself with progressives and get hooked up that way, either the internet or activist groups or something of that sort in my town.

good luck man, you'll be fine.

[Hosnon]

38. Thanks...but I am a big drinker (yea, yea) and gotta have someone

as I am.

Such is life though. So final analysis is to just let it go until she calls back?

and if she doesn't.....?

[fleabert]

39. Just cause you don't meet her at a bar don't mean she aint cool!

I met mine at work and we are both wild and weird. ;-)

Yes. let it go until she calls, then make your judgement based on what she says and how she says it.

if she doesn't? fuck her. well, you won't get to fuck her, but you know what I mean. :evilgrin:

is that too crass for DU Lounge? Hope not.

[Hosnon]

40. Haha...it sucks that the truth of what to do is antithetical to what

we want to do. why can't she just fucking call me and level with me?

[fleabert]

41. I agree!

That's exactly how I felt before I met Jes. She's not in the same place you are, or she's got shit going on that you aren't privvy to. Simple as that.

[Hosnon]

42. Yea. Well...I guess life is life. Nothing I can do about it...I guess I

just have to hope that she is as cool as I think she is...

[fleabert]

43. I just hope it works out for the best, whatever that may be.

you seem like a cool guy. Let us insomniacs know what transpires...link back to this thread if you do, so we can see how well we all did in assessing the sitch. :-)

[Hosnon]

44. Yep yep...TGIF because its 630...need to bed myself...ill keep in touch...

thanks!

Matt

[fleabert]

45. night! please do! n/t

[Nay]

48. Heck, yes, they call. They've been calling for 30 years. (I'm

an old bag.) You should have seen the girls call my 20-something son. He got disgusted after a while -- he couldn't get anything done.

[hippiechick]

53. She may have been 'sorta interested; ... and ...

... wanted to be nice, but thinking that you lived 3 hours away, you'd never actually get to her town, so yeah, she could promise anything.

Kinda like 'pencil me in -- we'll do lunch' is code for 'I never expect to really hear from you again'.

Let it go and move on to the next one.



:hippie:

[radfringe]

16. could be boyfriend entanglements or

second thoughts

What may have seemed like a good idea at the time may have sprouted second thoughts -- you said you met her at a bar and hit it off good

but that was at a bar, and I'm assuming it was probably crowded and loud -- a small amount of time in that situation doesn't allow someone to get to know someone else

you know as well as I do that there are alot of creeps out there - she could just be hesitant about meeting you one-on-one. You could try calling her again and offering to meet in a public place for an afternoon instead of an evening

if you can't make contact or she blows it off -- then just move on -- nothing you can do about it -- not the right person for you, and you definitely don't want to deal with boyfriend rebound baggage

[Hosnon]

19. Yea I totally agree with you...it just seemed that from talking

with her on the phone that she was into me and was a bit sick of guys her age that drank all the time and had no direction. We talked twice and either she was quite interested or is very good at being sociable...whatever the social situation is (in my case, a guy that was interested).

[radfringe]

47. still

if there is a boyfriend in the picture (ex or soon to be ex) -- you don't want to get involved with her at this time -- you would just be the "rebound"

or worse - you could end up being the pawn in a game of "let's make my boyfriend jealous"

my advice - for what's worth -- you made the offer, the ball is in her court -- let it go. One chat in a bar and a phone conversation does not make a relationship.

now don't go rolling your eyes -- you are young, and want to have a relationship -- going to take some time,you will have to kiss quite a few frogs before finding the "right one" -- this one sounds like a frog and why risk getting warts?

I'm 49 - had to kiss quite a number of frogs before finding the right one. When the time is right -- it'll happen - time to move on

[DemBones DemBones]

31. Since you don't know what's going on with her,

call her up and ask! Apologize for calling at 3 a.m. if she busts you on it. It seems likely that there's another guy but don't assume it's the guy you saw at the bar. Don't assume anything.

It is, after all, possible something happened to someone in her family or to a female friend and she had to go be with them. If she gives you a story like that, consider that it may be true. If she then agrees to see you again, be a little more wary until you see what's really going on with her.

If you see her again, don't get drunk. You'll have better judgement sober.

And call your mom. She loves you best! ;-)

Disclaimer: I am a female well over 18 with much experience watching men and women and the games they play.

[Hosnon]

36. Thanks for the input. I'm just at that shitty border age between

games and real life. Of course games are always played but I see that there is at least a more mature game that can be played. I talked to my sis..not mom..and she seemed to think things were going well.

But...such is life...it's just she was cool enough for me to be interested in her even though she is a big W fan...and for me - that is big...currently hating close friends for supporting the chimp.

[DemBones DemBones]

46. Her being a Bush** supporter does argue against a

successful relationship between you two, considering the times. Politically-mixed marriages used to work at least as well as those of mixed religions but I don't know about today. I have friends that I like enough to try not to let their voting for Bush** affect our friendship, but I can't understand it. Some of them are smart women and not totally conservative. The Bush** phenomenon would be easier to understand if everyone who supported him was stupid, but they're not. They are ignorant of a lot of facts about the past four years and sometimes it's willfull ignorance. Perhaps mass hynosis is at the root of the whole thing. (Watch out for Cheney pulling out a pocket watch.)

Good luck, one way or the other!

[tjdee]

51. This is what happened:

She was okay with just talking to you, but once you all of a sudden were going to be in her area, she freaked.

And she freaked because now she has to go "gee, do I remember what he looks like?" and all kinds of silly things like that. Talking on the phone is different than being face to face, and now she's spooked.

I don't get all the "you met her in a bar?" replies. When people are drunk, they don't magically become idiots. I'd venture to say she really did like you, but as she sobered up she had to look at "real life" which may include that guy.

[BlondieK143]

52. Come to TN.

We'll have a long discussion. Maybe you can give me some insight into your sex.

[Ilsa]

54. I haven't read everyone's stuff here, but here is my simple

2 cents from an older woman:

Please remain the better person in this. Don't indulge in widening the rift between the sexes by having an unnecessary battle. She was rude to you and should have been more honest. Telling her that without a fight might help her learn to be a better person, but not every moment (or relationship) is a teaching moment.

Move on; you'll meet more mature babes that are ready for someone who is at peace with how he treats women and I hope you'll be proud of yourself for taking the high road.

Good luck.