I'm not sure I'll make it to the New Year

[Ladyhawk]

Folks, I've only been this depressed once in my life and ended up have electro-convulsive therapy (shock treatments). I think I'm just about finished.

[Dookus]

1. Check your PM's

[juliemoo]

2. Cheer up Ladyhawk

What's the problem?

[Skittles]

17. um, julie

I'm sure you mean well but that's like asking a person with cancer WHAT'S THE PROBLEM

[moof]

3. Hang in there Ladyhawk

the bottom has to be gettin close.

Drop moof a pm if you want to chat.

[OneBlueSky]

4. betcha I've got more reasons to be depressed than you . . .

and I'm still here . . . it's all a matter of attitude adjustment and keeping busy doing something you enjoy . . . the attitude of which I speak is, in summary form: "Joke 'em if they can't take a fuck!" . . . smile, my dear . . . this too shall pass (as a friend of mine once said upon learning he had a kidney stone) . . . :)

[REP]

7. Depression is an Illness

I'm sure you meant well, but saying "I have more reasons to be depressed" is not helpful. Depression is a serious illness, and she needs medical care, not a dick-size war over whose life sucks more.

[ikojo]

15. Thanks for saying that REP

Too often Americans think depression is just about having the wrong thoughts or a bad attitude.

IT IS AN ILLNESS that left untreated KILLS just as effectively as untreated heart disease.

I know because my brother committed SUICIDE in July 2001. He was one of those Americans who thought that if he continued in therapy it meant he was "crazy."

Oy vey! When will people get over these mideval notions that depression is not an illness?

[liberalhistorian]

24. Exactly, thank you!

Having suffered from depression for years, I've heard it all, from "just cheer up, why don't you", to "look at me, I'm worse off than you and I'M not depressed", "just change your attitude and how you look at things,", etc., etc., ad nauseaum! Not only did it make things worse, such people have NO idea what depression is really like and that it has NOTHING to do with what's happening in your life.

Folks, it's a MEDICAL ILLNESS! You can no more "cheer up" someone out of a depression than you can tell someone with diabetes not to take their medicine and just get a better attitude! I'm done with feeling stigmatized and feeling ashamed to tell people that I'll be on anti-depressants for the rest of my life because I'VE DONE NOTHING WRONG!

[blondeatlast]

36. I'm on ADs for the long haul, too.

And life is so much better since I have taken them.

We love you LadyHawk. And good for you for reaching out.

(((LadyHawk)))

[Lorien]

70. Right on liberalhistorian!

I've suffered from depression my entire life,and have tried most of the ADs out there (wellbutrin works best for me). No less than SIX people in my family are Shrinks, and they would all agree with you!

Maybe you need an adjustment in your meds, Ladyhawk? Do you exercise? I know it's very hard to when you are depressed, but it WILL elevate your seratonin levels somewhat. Do you live with anyone? Do you have pets? If you are living alone, please try not to isolate yourself, and seriously consider getting a cat or dog-pets have often saved people's lives when they were depressed.

Please reach out to any or all of us here. It's nothing to be the least bit ashamed of; as liberalhistorian said, it's like have diabetes or any other serious illness. Many of us understand that and take it very seriously as well.

[villager]

5. make it, dammit...

...we need you. PM as often as you have to. Post here as often as you have to.

Hang in there. Stay in touch. Take care of yourself.

[REP]

6. Get To An ER Immediately

You have a serious illness and need to be treated ASAP.

[clar]

8. It's good you could write this

and reach out. Please don't give up. Please hold on.

[OldEurope]

9. Do I remember this right, Ladyhawk, it was you who posted

some weeks ago, that you could not afford your medicine any more?

If so, I would like to suggest a fund-raising here. Not living in the US, for me it´s a bit difficult, but I´d surely like to help you.
And I bet, there are many other DUers who would be happy to support this fund, too.

:hug:

[BurtWorm]

26. Good question, OE. LadyHawk, can we help you get your meds?

DUers have helped others in financial difficulties in the past.

[Ladyhawk]

55. My medications are usually taken care of,

although I do have to pay out-of-pocket occasionally. Luckily, I was reimbursed for the $60 I needed for pain pills (degenerative disc disease).

[instantkarma]

10. I'm sorry you're depressed.

I suffer from depression too. If you're interested, I suggest you check out Dr. Brad Blanton. Visit Amazon or your friendly neighborhood bookstore and pick up a book called Radical Honesty. He also has a website at www.radicalhonesty.com. I met Dr. Blanton about 5 years ago and he has helped me tremendously.Even though i still get depressed sometimes, I don't allow my depression to control me the way I used to. No matter whether you take my advice or no, I hope you find some peace and relief.

on edit: Do you meditate? I find that meditation helps me a great deal in making it from day-to-day. In my experience I've come to find my depression -- at least the deep, gnawing, won't-leave-me-alone kind -- is blunted a great deal with regular meditation.

[LosinIt]

11. Please let us help you, are you having money problems?

Is that why you are not on your way to the emergency room? I saw your post in InstantKarma's post about some drug which name escapes me at the moment, you talked about killing yourself. WE CAN'T LET THIS HAPPEN. You are sick, doctors can help make you better, please let us know what we can do to help you. Where do you live?

[expatriot]

12. bb, c,v.lb,jhojhlkhnnl jhvgik k k l

That was my cat saying that he loves you and to adopt a cat from the animal shelter.

[expatriot]

13. my cat also wants me to tell you...

...that all U.S. citizens with voting rights have a moral responsibility to make sure they make it to the second Tuesday of November next year to vote out Bush. And if you aren't a U.S. citizen or don't have voting rights, he is sure that there is political work to be done.

My cat is very politically conscious.

[Iris]

41. Ladyhawk, could you please check in?

You've got some of us kind of scared.

[ikojo]

14. Oh Ladyhawk please call someone

and talk to them. Please let them know of your dispair. Are there any toll free numbers you can call? Do you have a social worker/therapist that is truly available 24 hours a day, seven days a week?

You have friends here at DU. We may not be able to come over and talk with you in person but we can talk via the Internet.

If you have an AIM name let us know and those on AIM can IM you and it's just the same as talking on the phone.

You really are not alone. I know you are in a freeper family but you can create a family of DUers and others. I had to do that. I love my siblings but there are things (politics) that I dare not discuss with them.

It may not be a real physical hug but here is a cyberhug for Ladyhawk
:pals:

:hug:

PLEASE Ladyhawk call someone today.

[Bossy Monkey]

28. Her AIM name is in her profile

and is too true: LadyhawkRocks.

[rock]

16. Hang in there, LadyHawk

I've suffered from clinical depression as well. It was the worst time of my life. I sympathize with you.

[Redbear]

20. Yes. You are not alone.

Many of us made it through alive. You can too. Im certainly another one you can PM if you need to talk. It would make my day. :)

[soleft]

22. Me too - I sufferred from major depression

With professional and medial help I recovered.

You can recover from this, don't give up.

[Ellen Forradalom]

18. I've been there

and posted here that 'life isn't worth the effort it takes to live it.' That's the depression talking.

If money is standing between you and your medication, I believe that between 31,000 DUers we can scare up some cash for your meds.

Do what it takes to survive. That's Priority One.

[liberalhistorian]

25. I would certainly be willing to help,

I know how expensive the goddamned greedy drug companies make anti-depressants because, when I was out of work, I couldn't afford my medicine at $200 a BOTTLE! Now that I have a job and insurance, it's only a $20 co-pay, but even that's a lot for some people.

How can we do this, can we send a check or money order directly to her?

[Demobrat]

38. We could use paypal if she has an account.

*

[MissMillie]

19. Are you getting treatment?

You need medical and psychological attention.

We want you to make it. Is there anything we can do to make sure you have what you need?

[liberalhistorian]

21. I've suffered from depression for years

and will be on Zoloft probably for the rest of my life, so I know exactly what you're dealing with. Every day is like a huge, hot, heavy wet blanket smothering everything and anything, and you just don't even want to push the covers off to get out of bed, it takes a herculean effort. Then to do anything at all once you've managed to get out of bed takes even more effort, and you don't see the point to anything and have no hope of anything ever changing.

The things that work for me are my anti-depressants (an incredible blessing!), exercise, and getting involved in as many activities (socially, volunteer work, etc.) as I can. And even then, it sometimes doesn't work.

PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE hang in there. As someone who's been there, I know you'll soon begin feeling better with treatment. I know how very hard it is. But PLEASE, it's worth it if you just hang in there! You know you have your DU family, and we're always here for you!

[Wickerman]

23. thanks for posting LadyHawk

I don't know where you live, but know that there are resources out there to help you. As suggested, get to to an ER, tell them that you need some help and support, let them know that its a struggle fiscally. I work with a social services agency and could find ways to help you sort through the maze of stuff whereever you are - feel free to PM me.

DU needs you!

[Bossy Monkey]

27. Things will get better. Stick around, we need you

Another survivor of major depression saying take your medication and try anything else that ever cheered you up at all. What got me out of my worst depression was reading "Learned Optimism" by Martin EP Seligman. I couldn't actually carry out the recommmendations therein, but cried like a baby from realizing that a) there is a reason I'm this way, and b) that there is at least the possibility of hope.

[smirkymonkey]

29. Please don't give up....

I have been where you are - an inch away from ending my life - a number of times, but years later I can say that it has gotten much, much better w/ medication, therapy, talking with others and a 12-step group (which has actually helped me more than anything).

If you aren't working or have a low income, there are numerous agencies and non-profit organizations that will help you - when I lived in San Fran, my therapy and medication was paid by the county and I know there is a lot of help here in NY.

You have taken the first step, which is reaching out - which means that there is a strong life force in you. When you are in it, you can't see your way out - I never thought I would feel any different or better, but I can honestly say that my life and my attitude have completely turned around. I still do all the things that I mentioned before, but my depressions are shorter and lighter than they have ever been.

Use us as your therapy while you need to! I have found that when I take the action to reach out, there is always a hand there to help me up!!

[Ladyhawk]

30. Sorry, I can't read all your replies right now.

I will after I feel a bit better.

I got out of a psych ward about a week ago and it was one of the worst experiences of my whole life. The psychiatrist there said depression is caused by "bitterness," which goes against what mainstream psychiatry believes. She basically blamed me for what I'm going through. I faked my way out, then spent almost 24 hours in a panic attack. I was afraid to go back to the ER because I didn't want to be committed. Being "upstairs" is what caused the panic attack in the first place.

And recently I had a run-in with a very nasty person on a support forum. This person has caused nothing but problems. He used personal information gleaned from the channel to attack me personally and the moderators did absolutely nothing. In my ire, I learned many others were angry with or afraid of him. I was very, very angry. The moderators weren't worth shit, so I told them so last night and got banned. I think I'm only the third person they've banned since I started there two years ago. This other person hurt me when he knew I was in a lot of emotional pain. I did nothing to bait him. He was just bored and decided to attack a few people. So, he's still there, never helping, only hurting. And I'm banned.

That forum doesn't have an ignore feature. I've tried to make sure that the ones who need it have a script a friend of mine wrote so they can block individual members, but the moderators keep censoring the information. (I can, of course, get around the ban, probably indefinitely). This time they moved the information to the "Lion's Den" which is for debate. It should be in the support forum where vulnerable people can find it. I will keep moving it back to the support forum as time permits.

What it amounts to is this: I criticized the moderators' ability to administrate and had the honor of being the first person banned who wasn't a troll.

Of course, there was a lot going on before this or I wouldn't have been in a support channel in the first place.

As of now, I'm a little better, but last night I almost made a trip to the store to get what I need to end my life. I'm tired of being emotionally alone. Then, invariably, I get mentally raped by some asshole or by someone who just doesn't have the strength to deal with my volatility.

And I am volatile. I get very sad, then sometimes very angry. During the other night's tirade, I was very, very specific in my criticisms of the other forum, its moderators and the troll they are too afraid to ban.

Their solution? Kill the messenger.

[Bossy Monkey]

32. It sounds like you're better off without that forum

Hey, use us as a support forum! Just stay out of GD:)

[smirkymonkey]

33. There is the opinion that Depression is ...

just anger turned inward - for me I think that is part of it, and it's part brain chemistry. It's good to start getting out the anger - I still have it, but working through it has done a world of good for me.

Also, not to make any assumptions, but if you drink heavily or use drugs it can actually alter your brain chemistry and make depression worse.

Take care of yourself this weekend!

[Rhiannon12866]

53. Ladyhawk , I think you've been around DU long enough to know

how much people care here. If you don't care about anything else, think how much your pain is hurting us. We want to help. Depression is an illness. It is a chemical imbalance and sometimes it takes time to find the right medication to treat it. I have been on medication, myself, so I know. The new ones that they have out now are nothing short of amazing, nothing like the stuff that knocked me out when I first got out of school and sank into a depression years ago. But it takes time to find the right match. Also, if paying for it is a problem, there are many solutions. Let us help.:shrug:

Second, I don't think that the other forum that you've been frequenting is doing you much good. I know I am prejudiced, but I do think you're better off on DU. There may be the occasional Freeper disruptor, but the worst he'll go after you for is your leftist politics. I recently lost my dog and have been in an awful state. A well-meaning girl who works at my vet's gave me the name of a website that deals with pet loss. I did look at it, but felt better coming to DU. I still have yet to talk completely about it, but I feel much more at home on DU and have received nothing but sympathy, kindness and advice when it comes to my animals or anything else.:-)

I guess what I'm trying to say, Ladyhawk, is that people here care. Let us help. You only have to look at other threads, for corarose who lost her teeth or SweetZombieJesus who lost his dad, to know that this is true. There is hope. You can accept it and make something of your life. Just take things one step at a time. I care.:hug:

[Ladyhawk]

57. Thanks. Maybe this forum IS different.

The other forum was so un-moderated it was like playing Russian Roulette with my feelings.

>I recently lost my dog and have been in an awful state. A well->meaning girl who works at my vet's gave me the name of a website >that deals with pet loss. I did look at it, but felt better coming >to DU. I still have yet to talk completely about it, but I feel >much more at home on DU and have received nothing but sympathy, >kindness and advice when it comes to my animals or anything else.

Now this I can understand. I am so sorry about your loss. Just thinking about it makes me feel sad for you...and afraid for myself, I must admit. I have a wonderful parrot who means the world to me. I've been so depressed and he knows. In the morning, the first thing I see is a plump Amazon parrot on my chest, beaming down at me, asking for a head scratch. I don't get up much, so he hangs out with me most of the day in bed, then uses a special noise when he needs to go back to his cage to eat, drink or poop. He's so special, but I'm so sick with depression, I am not taking the best care of him. I feel sad for him and for my other parrot, Darla, who doesn't get enough attention.

I also have pet snakes and yes, I've cried buckets over dead snakes. The stories are long and involved. In fact, right in the middle of the forum war, I lost a snake. It hurt really badly. I know many people don't like them, but they are just simple animals.

The other day someone was in my apartment and I needed to attend to Akasha, my female Arizona Mt. Kingsnake. When I picked her up, the other person had the typical fear reaction and exclaimed, "Oooo, I hate snakes!" I know that's how a lot of people feel, but my first response was, "I like this snake better than I like most people." And sadly, that is the truth. The snake had recently bitten me when I had to help her shed, but that was expected and only fair. She doesn't sit in her enclosure and scheme of ways of hurting me. She only bit me because I had crossed a line. I understand that. She had never bitten me before and she hasn't bitten me since. Now snakes...snakes I can understand. But people???? :shrug: Our intelligence has made us arrogant and compassionless. I don't like or understand most people. Lately, I trust only one person and sort of trust three others. None of them are family. None of them can be called in a pinch at 3:00 a.m. when I'm up, feeling crazy with anxiety or depression. But at least they care and understand.

[rasputin1952]

60. I spent 15 years in the Medical profession...

I am NOT a physician, but I can tell you, that between being an Army Medical Plt Sgt, and working in a fine hospital in WA state, I've seen it all, and have nothing but compassion fot htose who are in pain, physical, mental or a combination of any other form of pain and anxiety.

As you know...there are a lot of cretins in the medical field; you have obviously met at least one of them, from what you described above.

Degenerative disc disease is bad, but not the end of the world, there are meds that can slow the process.

I have arthritis in my C-3 C-4 spine...guess what, someday I'll turn my head, and either die, or spend the rest of my life in a wheeelchair. But, until that time, I'm gonna livbe, fight the GOP and WIN!

If you feel the urge....please PM me, I might have a few answers for you, and be ablew to send you to some people that can help you.

As an aside....you use a Dreamcatcher as your emoticon, that says a lot about you. You are a fine and wonderful person....don't let this beat you; I send you compassion, love and of course,

a :hug:

[rbnyc]

31. Buddy system.

Let your closest friends know you are feeling this way and that you will call them for help if you feel you're in danger of hurting yourself. I have been depressed to the point of trying to kill myself and I don't ever want to let it go that far again. When I feel myself getting close, my husband and my best friend know it, and when I'm alone and thinking that suicide is an option, I know I'm obligated to ask them for help first, and that they will take me seriously. This has helped me get through some rough spots without even having to call on them. It helps me realize that there are other things I can do...and if I run out of ideas, I'm not alone.

Much Love to You!

:loveya:

[Ladyhawk]

34. My "closest friends" were the people on the other forum.

nt

I can't make decent friends. Either I'm not decent enough or I never meet the right people. Or maybe both.

[amazona]

35. a bit worried

It *is* hard to make friends if you are depressed but part of it could be that you don't see the friends you do have. You do sound severely depressed, and I'm not sure what to suggest.

If it is possible, I would advise trying to get out in some natural sunlight every day. It sounds goofy, but some people may become depressed for the lack of the right amount of natural light. Since you mentioned in past threads that you were attracted to the beach, it could be that you are one of these people with a hunger for the sunlight.

I probably can't fully appreciate the shadow that this problem casts over your life, but I have witnessed it in close friends, and I know it can be life-threatening, so please take care of yourself.

[JanMichael]

47. This is going to sound stupid but here goes...

My oldest friend (ex-GF from college) is a very attractive 35 year old professional in NYC. She has NO FRIENDS to speak of.

She has not had a serious, or even sleazy, date in months.

She's depressed.

She is lonely.

And I don't know what I can do or say to help her.

She is a more than "decent" person who has problems appearing/acting approachable.

All I can say is that I wish both of you would seek out the kind of counsiling that'll actually work...

Please!!!

Perseverance too, it's a wonderful concept that can get people through the worst moments in their lives:-)

[Lydia Leftcoast]

48. That's the depression talking, LadyHawk

and your depressive perceptions are NOT reality.

Look at all the people on DU who care. I've had a major depressive episode, and I'm prone to minor depression, too, and I want to reiterate what all the other depression survivors have said. Get help. If the hospital you went to before didn't help you, try another one. Consult your county or state mental health office for a referral. If you belong to a mainstream (non-fundy) religion, find out if your church has a support group. (Some cities also have support groups for people with depression.)

[Ladyhawk]

54. I tried to get even with the people on the other forum.

When I get hurt, it doesn't matter what I do. If I do nothing, I feel like a doormat. If I stand up for myself, I feel guilt and shame.

First of all, let me say that you probably don't want to read all this shit. I didn't even read all of it once I realized that people weren't even with me anymore. They don't even care.

These are the threads that caused the problems. Out of nowhere, he started in:

http://www.aimoo.com/forum/postview.cfm?id=319472&CategoryID=22217&startcat=81&ThreadID=903069

http://www.aimoo.com/forum/postview.cfm?id=319472&CategoryID=22217&startcat=81&ThreadID=900119

The moderators did nothing, so I got even. He did/does stuff like this all the time, trying to pass it off as "humor," but he's been very cruel to a lot of people.

I was quite upset, so I really let him have it by becoming him:

http://www.aimoo.com/forum/postview.cfm?id=319472&CategoryID=22217&startcat=61&ThreadID=907345

http://www.aimoo.com/forum/postview.cfm?id=319472&CategoryID=22217&startcat=81&ThreadID=907320

The moderators still didn't do anything. Then a few days ago I learned that a young girl on that forum feels threatened by--even scared of--Dok. It pissed me off, so I wrote this and got banned:

http://www.aimoo.com/forum/postview.cfm?id=319472&CategoryID=22217&startcat=1&ThreadID=1044249

Some of these may have been censored. I want to read the post about my banishment and what a terrible person I am, but I know if I do, it will destroy me.

Regardless, I don't know how to feel. My entire support system consisted of this forum and my counselor. Then Dok made it unsafe for me to post there, the moderators did nothing and I got so angry I had to do something.

Again, it's the same story: people blaming me for how I fucking feel. Do you think I would have had my brain shocked if it was just a case of the blues I could snap out of at will???

Every time I am hurt, nothing makes it feel better. If I do nothing and "turn the other cheek," I either get hurt again or I feel like a doormat. If I actively stand up for myself or get even--this is the first time I ever tried to get even--I feel ashamed and sick.

Everybody on that forum hates me now. When I started in on Dok, most of the people there started sending me PMs and emails saying what a horrible person I was. They invariably started like this: "Dok can be an asshole, but..."

And all I wanted was some justice. This was just the last of many wars started by Dok. He started it. He starts most of them. I get banned. Now I don't care about the banning because I know the people there didn't and don't support me.

For two years I poured out my heart to them and they turned on me when all I wanted was some justice.

That forum...it was just like DU, only smaller. I had even met some of them in person.

You see, I read lots of messages of support like the above ones, then those same people turned on me. Some of them didn't. Some of them think the moderators are full of shit, but they still don't talk to me.

Now I'm just an outcast.

And Dok the freeper is grinning behind his computer screen.

And once again, I was getting sicker before this happened. I was posting too much to the support group according to the sensibilities of his Royal Dokness and some of the others there, so I got bashed with the things that were hurting me most: my need to communicate and my failing relationship with my mother.

[blondeatlast]

37. Support here

http://www.metanoia.org/suicide/depressd.htm#help

Links to lots of online support. Please, please get help--we really do care about you.

[blondeatlast]

39. Kicking in hope of being seen by an admin.

:kick:

Please keep this kicked.

[Nikia]

40. I wish that I had the perfect thing to say

What your facing is difficult. I do not know the specifics of your life. You certainly don't need blamed for your illness, especially by a doctor who is supposed to be knowledgable about those things. As you noted, she was wrong. Do not feel ashamed about having depression. It is a fairly common illness. Get treatment from people who are not like that doctor you encountered from your ER group. There are people here who support you. We want you to continue to be around, all those people who have posted in your support, myself, and probably others as well. Draw some strength from that. Be sure to do life affirming things like eating well and exercising. When I was depressed, I wrote a lot and that helped. See if you can express yourself that way or through another art.

[Cappurr]

42. LadyIm right here with y0ul I ost everthingk, includinf my house. I ma i

depp depression that cannot be brokrem I am on mds now. I can qork and know know when I'll be able to but onething I do know,,,,,I have the talent to to something amizing and I have five cat that If ihave to gove them away,Iwioo join you.

[Tinoire]

83. Check your in-box

Your DU friends are here for both you and Ladyhawke. Hang in there Cappurr so that you can do that amazing thing!

[Rhiannon12866]

86. Cappurr, what a beautiful post!

Not only did you support Ladyhawk, but you gave the rest of us hope. It is my fervent hope that you continue to do well, as do your beloved pets. I can understand that, quite easily, myself.:-)

[KCDem]

43. (((hugs))), Ladyhawk.

I wish you the ability to find peace and strength within yourself. Depression is a downward spiral, and it's practically impossible to pull oneself out of it without the help of friends, family, or medical professionals. Thank you for trusting us enough to share your feelings. You are quite an asset to our community.

That "support" group you were on... wow, there are trolls everywhere, and I'm so sorry that one targeted you and that you got kicked off because of him. Can you rejoin under a different handle? That is, if, overall, the group is helpful.

Someone suggested sunshine. I have another suggestion: running barefoot through the grass. A midwife once suggested it to me as a way of "reconnecting with the earth", or something like that. It does calm me down when I need it.

Take care, hon. Lots of good thoughts being sent your way.

[Lindsay]

44. (((Ladyhawk)))

Hugs from a fellow sufferer of depression. I know how incredibly tough it is...but you can see you've got a support group here that cares about you.

One thing I've found that helps...although sometimes easier said than done, like so many things...is to do something nice for yourself every day. As somebody suggested, sunshine can help...just get out and feel how good it feels. Or take a bubble bath, or find a dog or cat to pet, or curl up with a cup of tea and a good book...whatever would make you feel good. (Sometimes taking a nap will help get you through, too.)

Hope you'll hang in and let your DU friends help in whatever ways we can.

[BattyDem]

45. Hi Ladyhawk

I'm new here and it seems like everyone who posted has known you for a while, but I really wanted to respond to your post.

Let me start by saying that clinical depression is certainly NOT caused by bitterness! Report that asshole psychiatrist to the AMA because she doesn't have a clue! Depression is a medical illness and for a doctor to blame the patient for their illness is grossly irresponsible and just plain cruel.

I have suffered from clinical depression for several years. It's very debilitating. You lose interest in everyone and everything - even the things you love. You can't concentrate, you can't make decisions and you can't function normally. On top of that, you feel like a worthless piece of crap all the time.

Therapy and medication do help. I suggest you find another doctor because the last thing a depressed person needs is a doctor who lacks compassion. If the medication you're on isn't helping, switch to something else. I had to try at least a dozen different meds before I finally found one that keeps my mood relatively stable without causing any side effects.

Someone mentioned that you can't afford your meds anymore. If that's the case, check with your county and/or state - you may be eligible for Medicaid or some other financial aid to pay for your meds. If you can't afford therapy, check your local hospital - many have free group therapy sessions or they can help you find local support groups.

There's a web site called Mental Health Matters. It has information about mental health resources, including financial aid for treatment and medications, support groups, legal aid (fighting an HMO), etc. They also have user forums so you can talk to other people about their experiences with depression. Check out the Support page and the Advocacy page for further info.
http://www.mental-health-matters.com/

The National Mental Health Association also has lots of useful info and links on their clinical depression page. You can find it at http://www.nmha.org/ccd/index.cfm

Good luck. I really hope you feel better soon. :hug:

BattyDem

[ikojo]

59. Welcome to DU Battydem!

Thanks for posting and keep coming back!!!

:toast:


:hi:

[disgruntella]

46. Hi Ladyhawk

I'm another person with chronic depression. This week my dad has also sought help after many, many years. It is such a damn struggle. Please let us know if you need financial assistance because like others "up above" in the thread, I am willing to help. I cannot believe how f**king expensive meds are these days.

I hope all of these posts adequately show our support. Take care.

:grouphug:

[scucci]

49. I know what you are going through on some level

We're all different in our life experiences but I thought I'd share my journey through a similar continuing nightmare.
I've had many episodes of severe depression and panic throughout my life. I've been hospitalized twice for it and survived a suicide attempt (can't get anything right! Sorry, depression humor) which left me in the ICU for over a week and heart damage. I've been literally stuck in my house for 6 weeks at a time because of my panic and depression. There is much, much more but it's not important now.

Thankfully, these incidents haven't re-ocurred for a couple of years but I know it could happen again. I'm on constant watch and can see the horrifying storm on the horizon these days so I am prepared.

I've finally accepted the fact this is my life. This is my invisible demon. I sometimes wish I could plug other people into my brain to show them that this is REAL but why would I want anyone else to be as tormented?

People who don't experience depression this severe cannot understand. The world literally changes color and flavor. Reality is not real. Nightmares are.

I know I'm not crazy and neither are you. We have a problem. We can deal with this. My reason for posting these intimate details about my life is that I DO understand and I want you to know you are NOT alone.

I'll be thinking of you. Please try to hang in there. I'm with you.

[LosinIt]

50. I hope that Saturday morning finds your happier

and ready to take on the world again. Is there another facility nearby that you can try so you won't have to face that same psychiatrist again? Make sure you report her ass to the authorities. Read through these posts again and feel all of the love and compassion that are in them. We care and want you to get better. Please keep us informed about how you are feeling.

[Ladyhawk]

52. Thanks

No, people are stuck with her. Even if I went out of town, they'd ship me back here.

Interestingly, it was her husband, the orthopedic surgeon (known locally as "The Butcher"), who scheduled spinal surgery on me without consulting me. Really. I got a lady on the phone telling me what time the surgery was, when to stop eating, etc. I had to interrupt her several times to tell her I wasn't having any damn surgery, especially not by this guy. I've heard lots of bad stories.

[scarlet_owl]

65. Here is an owl hug for you

:hug:
and here is an owl hug for your snakes and your bird
:hug:

[AlienGirl]

51. I can relate...

I don't have any messages of hope; all I can give you is the knowledge that you aren't alone in this dark place of despair.

Tucker

[Ladyhawk]

56. Here's the Deal

I have the following problems and they all play off one another. Add current family difficulties, falling out with the only friends I had, a bad and scary hospitalization in a psych ward, stir, and you get what I feel like right now:

1. Severe, recurring, treatment-resistant Major Depression (the drugs just don't work :( )

2. Obsessive-compulsive disorder

3. Post-traumatic stress disorder

4. Diabetes

5. Degenerative disc disease (two herniated discs in my neck and another possible herniated disc in my lower back

6. Other vague things like Chronic Fatigue Syndrome and fibromyalgia. Whatever it is, I am constantly fatigued and in pain much of the time.


The people at the other forum got tired of dealing with me. "Get over it" was the attitude there, started by a nasty fellow who gets into fights just because he's an asshole.

The outcome makes me feel betrayed by an entire community of people. I feel unloved, worthless and hated. I even hate myself right now. That jerk started in on me when I was hurting, used my hurts against me. I fought back. I got banned. He's still there.

Yeah, I was a jerk. You might be, too, if you got attacked out of the blue for no reason other than the fact that the guy was tired of my posts. Other people joined in and that was the end of me.

I don't trust anyone right now. Do you know what this feels like? I feel like I'm about ready to jump out of my skin. I feel like I've done something very wrong and my father is coming to beat me. I also sometimes have a strange sensation that I'm not really in my own body, but just behind it, operating it by remote control. My relationship with my family sucks, I just lost all the friends I had and now I'm suspicious of the few people in my life who are still friendly to me. I'm afraid they'll start hating me, too. So I withdraw...withdraw...withdraw...

I'm afraid you would all side with him, too, if he were here. Maybe not since he's an in-your-face Bush Boy. But they would rather have him than me...probably because I can't get well.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA...I could just dig my brain out. He hurt me...I couldn't stay...couldn't let him get away with it. But now I feel like I'm IN TROUBLE. Daddy has the belt and he's coming and I'm going to get it.

This is what I wrote to the moderator about what happened, why I went schizoid and got the fucker back, even though I still don't know if it was the right thing to do:

Drummond,

I'll be moving on, now. If I didn't do what I set out to do, I doubt it's possible. If I didn't hurt Dok, he cannot be hurt. He thinks it's fun to toy with members. In fact, I think he may have followed me to another forum and flamed me there. He knew the URL.

I know you'll never ban Dok. You don't have the balls. Too many people think he's harmless and you'd catch it for sure. Much better to let Ladyhawk the whiner go her way, huh?

Read my lips: Dok is an asshole. He has no place on a support forum. And if you can't see that for yourself, you're blind.

What I did is so unlike me. Never before have I set out to actually hurt somebody else. If I could have paid someone to beat Dok up, I would have.

Let me tell you exactly why.

There is a part of me that nearly has its own personality. I call it "The Accuser." It hurts me physically and emotionally, on purpose, 24 hours a day, 7 days a week. It is responsible for physical scars on my body. It takes delight in using razor blades on my flesh. It calls me an attention-seeking loser. It makes me feel the most horrible guilt and pain until I am a quivering puddle on the ground.

After the ECT, The Accuser was gone. I celebrated by getting a rose tattoo to cover the spot where The Accuser had scarred me the most. I tried really hard to put things back together. But the herniated discs were too much to deal with. Since then I've been fighting to maintain control, fighting, fighting, fighting. The past few weeks I've really started to lose it again. Then Dok's personal attacks came. His words could have come right from the mouth of The Accuser: "You attention-seeking, whiny bitch."

It came back. Thanks to him, it came back. I could fucking kill him.

The other day I was shaking so hard I nearly threw up. I haven't thrown up since before I was ten...not because of illness, not because of anything.

The Accuser wouldn't shut up. I tried to do the "right thing" again and just let it go, but The Accuser wouldn't shut the hell up. "You loser! You are just a whiny-ass bitch blaming everyone else for your problems. Why don't you grow the hell up? If you can't get it together, then go die. Go die. Go die. Just step in front of a truck. Look, some oleander for sale...aren't they supposed to be poisonous? Take all your codeine, you fucking loser. You whiner. You got straight-A's in college and now what are you? You're a loser. You're a whiner. You are worthless. You are a complete pile of shit."

The other part of me begs, "Don't hurt me. Don't hurt me. Don't hurt me. Please don't hurt me. Please don't hurt me."

Then I found myself at the grocery store at two in the morning, shopping for razor blades.

I didn't buy them.

I can't sleep. I can barely eat. I've been to the ER three times, the last time because I was being tormented so much I couldn't stand to be in my own skin. They wouldn't admit me because the top floor already had its quota of psychos. Right this minute I'm on the edge of a panic attack.

Everything I see, everything I read, everything I hear, accuses me of being a loser.

I was stupid to forgive Dok the first time and give him an opportunity to hurt me. I had him categorized correctly as a chaotic (possibly an evil) and I still didn't put my guard up.

And you, Drummond, are stupid for allowing him stay on the forum.


-Ladyhawk


Hot breath
scalds my shoulder.
The patter of dripping saliva,
acidic and foul,
assaults my ears.
A warm sticky puddle
forms under my foot
like blood pooling beneath a corpse.
Lantern eyes drill
a smoldering
hole in my heart.
The wound’s edges
send up swells of sickly-sweet
smoke,
slowly and forever,
burning, burning.

Loser.
The word is formed
by dry cracking lips
and a thick tongue
black as an oil slick.
No one will ever want you.
Loser.

A hideous hand
rakes razor-sharp talons
across my left clavicle, arm, wrist.
The sensation is almost heavenly
compared to the piercing words.

Shuddering,
I shut my eyes,
fearing I will die,
terrified
I will not.

[ikojo]

58. Ladyhawk,

Thank you for sharing and being so open with us on this forum. I know that was hard to allow us inside.

I know what it is to have trust betrayed. It's like having a layer of skin ripped off and feeling all exposed. It is easier to retreat and not let anyone else in, trust me I know. I, too, have been burned by trusting people.

I think that what helped me was moving away from my very conservative siblings back in the late 1980s. Although it was only 90 miles away it may as well be 1000 miles as often as they have been down to see me. It is better that I did this. Growing up in Springfield, Illinois I felt like I never belonged. I felt like a freak. It has never been easy for me to make friends as I was ridiculed for most of my school years.

I got into Dr Who and met a couple of women who were sharing a house in suburban St Louis. I got a job in St Louis and moved down here with them. That was OK until one of them lost her job and wasn't paying rent. She was associating more and more with her very toxic family. Push came to shove when I discovered that she forged MY name on one of MY blank checks and she denied it.

I had to move and ended up moving to the city of St Louis. That was one of the best decisions I have ever made. I was totally alone and forced to make new friends. I joined an environmental organization and got really involved in it and have been for 13 years now. Sometimes I retreat and have to be alone (I've not been as involved this year but am slowly but surely getting back into it). I LOVE the Grateful Dead and started going to see Dead cover bands. THAT was very hard as I neither drink nor do drugs and I am VERY shy and self conscious around new people. I did it every Friday and Saturday night for a couple of years until the band stopped playing at the same location.

What I am trying to say is that when we don't have close, loving families we can create our own families. I know I have friends who care about me. That brings me comfort. I am so happy knowing I can totally be myself and say anti republican things without fear of being ostracized by the family unit. You see politics are a big part of who I am. I have been politically active since I was a wee one watching the Watergate Hearings on TV. I cannot help but talk politics and current affairs.

Of course alot of this would not have happened had I not availed myself of therapy, trust me on that one! I had to get over thinking I was stupid, dumb and ugly. I had to learn that I was worthy of love and friendship. Until I accepted that, without feeling I was being self centered, then I was unable to allow others inside. I put up barriers.

Ladyhawk, post away, please. You have your DU cyber family and while we may argue and stuff we still love ya!

:hug:

:yourock:

[toddzilla]

62. ..

depression is in my family.. i'm burdened with it as is my mother and my sister.


i think what would really, really help is if you posted what city you live in, and possibly someone here has a good reference for some high quality, compassionate help.

and if you can't afford it, i'm sure if we all chipped in it would amount to less than a #2 at mc donalds for each of us.

I always though mcdonalds should have, in addition to the "happy meal"

1-the "moderately content meal"- slightly more food than the happy meal, with some chocolate somewhere.

2. the "massively depressed meal"-contains 6 cheeseburgers, 4 super sized fries, 3 large chocolate shakes, and two apple pies.

:9

There are many, many people in your situation. the only thing you can do is keep trying to get the help you need. Real, physical face-to-face help. Be wary of internet help because this anonymity allows/empowers people to do things they would NEVER do in person.



so tell us what city you are in , and i'm sure there are people who know where to go for appropriate help.

hang in there, you aren't alone. The fact that you are here and asking for help means you know in your heart that you can and will get better.


:pals:

[Ladyhawk]

72. The problem is the "city" is very small and freepish.

However, it's in California, so that's a plus. It's so small, I even hesitate to say where, but I will: Sonora, in the foothills (redneck country).

[Mikimouse]

61. This is a safe place

Glad to know that you are still here! Did you get the PM? Anytime you feel like talking, I'm here, just as I am sure that all of your fellow Duers are too. :hippie:

[Bossy Monkey]

63. Well to start with, you're a better poet than the rest of us put together

You beat the Accuser once, kick his (it's always a he, isn't it?) ass again. Ban him like Dok.

Best wishes, good luck, all sympathies. Internet's a big place; there has to be a support forum somewhere without assholes like Dok.

[MuseRider]

64. One point you need to

think about my dear is that you did not set out to hurt someone else. You defended yourself and that is very healthy. Don't give bad intentions to everything you do. That was healthy and good for you. None of us like to do that but when pushed far enough we all get to that point.

Keep writing. Your poetry is amazing. Write to us. We do want you.

[Ladyhawk]

77. Thanks

The people at the receiving end of my ire don't see it that way. I wonder why not?

[regnaD kciN]

67. "The Accuser"...

Yes, I think many people have that, myself included. Fortunately, I haven't ever been driven to do myself physical harm, but it is awful hard to get to the point where one can realize that it's not the dominant reality, but just a lying inner voice that needs to be told, repeatedly, to shut up.

[TXlib]

76. Please listen to the other part of your brain

The part that says "Please don't hurt me".

I can't imagine the kind of torture you go through, but your description brought me close.

Please call somebody, a family member, a friend, a crisis hotline, anything.

You need to hear a real human voice, not just read words on a computer screen.

Please don't give in the "The Accuser".

KCDem and I are very worried for you!

[SPICYHOT]

66. cheer up girl

hey you wanna talk i'm a great listener!

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

68. I am glad that in your worst moments, you did choose to reach out

to us all.

Hopefully just the knowledge that people DO care will be of some comfort to you.

[ikojo]

69. Kick

Let's keep this one kicked



:kick:


Hope you, Gaby the parrot and your snakes are having a good Saturday.

[Buns_of_Fire]

71. Kick for Ladyhawk

:kick: LH, you've GOT a support forum -- and here we are. (Although I'd agree that staying out of GD might be a good idea right now... ;-) )

[Ladyhawk]

73. GD is tame compared to that other place.

n/t

[Jonte_1979]

74. ((Ladyhawk))

Keep us posted, okay?

[Deja Q]

75. Don't do yourself in!

Take it from a guy who's got more neuroses than Arnold Rimmer. Don't kill yourself.

I even bought a book which describes how to make suicide painless and easy and have bought all the necessary equipment.

But I've struggled with this joke of a life despite knowing there's an easy way out and am surviving. I've even kept the information as a reminder that suicide does nobody any good.

If I can live through hell, so can you. Trust me on this.

We need you! The fewer Dems around here just means an extra vote for that slimy scumbag degenerate bastard wretched little excrement-eating man* in the white house and the destuction of civilization he* bestows.

[Ladyhawk]

78. Thanks to everyone who replied.

Right now, I feel so betrayed and hurt.

Why do these things always happen on weekends when I can't get ahold of my counselor? :(

[ikojo]

81. Ladyhawk, I hope your Saturday evening

is going well.

About those people in your other forum who ripped you to shreds...FUGGEDABOUT DEM. Bullies such as they THRIVE on power. Just look at shrub. He's a bully.

However, bullies have power only because we give it to them.

You ARE a worthy person.

You DO have value and qualities that others respect.

I, for one, think you write very well and your poems are awesome.

I would think you should be able to call your counselor anytime of the day or night, weekend or weekday. Being a counselor is not a 9-5 job, it's pretty much like being a doctor...on call all the time.


:yourock:

[Rhiannon12866]

82. Is there a support network you can call? Is there a hotline?

I know that the Bush* cutbacks have caused some to shut down.:-(

But I think you are underestimating your friends on DU. When I lost my dog, three months ago, I was devastated. One kind girl, in her vet's office, gave me the address for an on-line pet loss website. I did take a look at it, but felt more comfortable posting on DU. I have received much sympathy from the legion of animal-lovers, of all kinds, who post here. I really feel that DU is the best, anywhere.:shrug:

Re-read this thread and the one you started regarding your marvelous pets, if you think I exaggerate. You are valued here, Ladyhawk. We all have problems and tend to identify with each others'. If you find yourself facing a crisis, I cannot think of another place that would be as supportive. I have seen this so many times. Share your feelings and fears with us. You will find you aren't alone, I promise.:-)

[Cosmic_Latte]

79. Hang in there!

I've lately been depressed myself, but I am as always still optimistic. Never dwell on problems because in the end it will eat you up and you will unfortunately miss all the good things in the world. Talk to a friend, or write a journal. There's more to life than this. :-)


As Buzz Lightyear says: "Never give up... never surrender!" ;-)

[Valerie5555]

80. Don't let the a**holes or assholes get you down for I

figured life's way to short for that.

[InkAddict]

84. Please stay with us LadyHawk

You know, that accuser is just jealous of your life-affirming abilities. I've seen your posts many times and thought how insightful you are; cutting right to the chase and being willing to join in the everyday patter. Harness that passion to reach out and disregard those that disrespect you. DU posters help each other in so many unexpected ways every day; heck, I know for a fact that each and every post I read on DU represents a person's public offering of something they know, question, or feel like sharing to both members and lurkers alike, serious or silly. We address what we fear most and then live and laugh together. Try to reframe the hurt. You've taken a daring risk here; but this family will be firm in belief and yet gentle with your very human vulnerabilities. Trust is a two-way street; guard your precious self and spill your guts when needed; no fear. We've got the greatest trust that you can overcome great obstacles and find the help you need to deal with the inner torture you feel. Listen up to us, not to what's obviously not true! That being said, living is indeed killing us - it happens to everyone. I don't believe your story is closing.

I am so sorry to hear that your health is impaired; chronic pain is so exhausting. There's a person from a past life of mine that I miss greatly; we would eat doughnuts and watch our kids grow before our eyes. I'm not proud that I didn't and couldn't have known how great his burden was in bearing that pain as he bought home the fixings for the Thanksgiving meal. But I was thankful I knew his goodness. If your medications are not helping, they may need to be modified in a way only your doctor(s) can recommend. Get some help, hon.

:grouphug:

[rbking]

85. Ladyhawk

Perhaps you might try another kind of therapy.

It is not entirely out of the realm of possiblity that you lack a certain amount of spiritual peace.

I am not suggesting any particular religion. In fact, check out several. While I myself am a Christian, I might suggest checking out a Buddist temple if there is one in your area. There is a great deal of inner peace that comes from their worship. Hinduism is also a good place to search for spiritual peace. Also, don't discount checking into Native American religions.

Spirituality is different than religion, but sometimes you can find them in the same place. Sometimes you can be helped in your search for a spiritual peace by being with people who have been on that journey.

If you do take a look for a spiritual guide, please also be careful. As with anything else there are charlatons and scammers within religions. The above mentioned groups tend to be very heavy on spirit as opposed to doctrine.

Good luck