Husband stormed out, angry, 9 am, without his cell phone...

[rbnyc]

...I have no idea where he is or if he's okay or if my marriage is over or what. Trying to stay cool taking care of the baby, who's napping now.

He was upset to the point of pathology when he left here. He asked me, as he was going down the stairs why I married him. I said, "Because I love you and you're worth it." He said, "No, I'm not."

It's been 4 hours now. I don't know what to do. I have the baby. I don't drive. I can't call him. I just want to know that he didn't hurt himself.

I wrote him a letter. It's a list of reasons I love him and want to be married to him. At the bottom it says, "I think you know the things that hurt and the things that make things hard. What I'm afraid you don't know are the things on this list. And there's so much more."

I just want him to come home. Or at least call and let me know that he's ok.

:(

[JanMichael]

1. I am so sorry that happened to you--

He will be home in a bit; we all get mad and storm out occasionally...temper tantrums don't mean all that much in the long run.

Stephanie

[rbnyc]

14. I hope you're right.

He has kind of a rage problem. It comes and goes. But my nerves are fried from it over the past couple days. He had a fit this morning, and instead of just being quiet and staying out of his way I told him that the thing he was upset about was just a teeny tiny problem compared to his fucking fits.

Then he went off on me for not supporting him. He said he's always there for me when I'm upset. So I said, if they way I get upset effects his life the way his anger effects mine, I will truly commit to working on it.

His actions have consequences. I'm not going to be able to suppress my anxiety and anger every time he has one of his fits. Sometimes it's gonna come out.

He refuses to get counseling. But if he's determined to work on his anger all by himself, he needs to do it and make it work.

But right now, I'm just worried that in his state of mind, he'll do something awful.

But you're probably right. We have a new baby. Money is tight. If he's going to have a rageaholic relapse, now is the time it's going to happen. I'm sure it will pass and we will be okay.

We do always talk about things. We just usually wait until we're not angry.

[NJ_Lib]

22. How are you?

Are you OK?

Man, marriage is so tough and having a new baby and financial difficulties only adds to the stress...

I know it's hard to believe but one day, all of this will be a distant memory...

He probably just needs to be alone right now... Please don't worry... Your baby needs you...

Please update us and let us know when he comes home...

I am thinking about you and your family and sending good vibes your way...

Please let us know the minute he returns!

[Minimus]

29. Sending good vibes too.

:hug: Take care and keep us posted.


on a side note:
I'm wondering if chiburb will mock this thread too?

[NJ_Lib]

31. LOL

Sure, as soon as the "let's see who's down today so we can judge em' and then kick em'" patrol begins...
Well how else do people like that make themselves feel better about their own crappy lives?

[skygazer]

24. If he has that much of a problem with anger

He's not going to be able to work it out himself. And it has an affect on you and will have an affect on your child. Uncontrollable anger is a form of abuse.

It is only the two of you who can decide what to do with your lives and your marriage but you may have to deliver an ultimatum for him to get the help that it sounds like he needs. Otherwise both you and your child will likely wind up with some psychological problems. Being browbeaten and subject to such anger is very, very damaging. It can lead to more physical forms of abuse.

There is no reason you should have to "be quiet and stay out of his way" when he is behaving inappropriately. That's one step away from fearing your own husband. Think about it.

[MountainLaurel]

30. Amen

Spent my childhood and much of my adultgood walking on tiptoes so as not to aggravate my father, the result of which would be screaming, throwing things, and threats.

[rbnyc]

34. No doubt!

This is what I've been trying to tell him.

Anyway. He's home now. We talked for a bit. Now he's changing the baby. I just wanted to pop in and say thanks.

I don't know how to make him understand he needs help. But at least he's willing to talk about it, and he admits it's a problem.

Thanks.

[skygazer]

37. Good luck to you

I'm glad he's home. :hug: And one for the baby. :hug:

[Coventina]

2. {{{{{{{{hugs}}}}}}}}}

Sending good vibes to you both and the baby.
:grouphug:

[rbnyc]

17. Thanks. We need 'em.

Poor sweet baby. I know he can feel when we're upset.

[flaminbats]

23. let us know when he's back..

everything will be fine!:hug:

[whalerider55]

3. hang in

sometimes, a little time to cool off helps.

also, when things calm down, see if finding a third party- therapist or someone like that- to help you find the words to make sure that you are each hearing the other can help.

good luck.

whalerider55

p.s. way cool kid-

[Winamericaback]

4. friends?

Does he have friends or family that you can call and ask if they have seen them? If my Fiancee did that It would scare the hell out of me...
I'm sure he is alright, and will come back soon. Just be positive.

[RagingInMiami]

5. sometimes a man needs a little time to himself

to appreciate the good things in his life

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

6. I pray he returns soon

and that he reads your letter.

[tibbir]

7. Gosh, I know you must be worried sick.

I'm sending all my good thoughts your way that he'll turn up before long, ready to sit down and talk things over.

[OhioChick]

8. Don't worry....

He'll be back. Sometimes, we need to 'get away' for just a short time to cool off and gather our thoughts. I'm sure he'll be home, soon.

[proud2BlibKansan]

9. The holidays bring out the worst in people

I feel for you. Hang in there and let us know what happens.

[HereSince1628]

10. With no way of knowing what is up, I'd just point out that

fear and frustration are motivators for "upset."

Being upset can be used as a pre-emptive technique to move interactions away from painful areas, as can leaving the scene.

His being alone for a few hours may be a good thing...my bet is he comes back, soon.

[Politicub]

11. Ugh - worry can be intense

He'll be back soon. Try to do somethng to take your mind off it -- or a Xanax (which works for me)

:hug:

[gollygee]

12. My husband did that once

It freaked me out, but he felt much better when he got back.

He'll be back. Hang in there.

[cmd]

13. Time out

We all get on edge and need some time out once in a while. I'm sure he'll be back soon. Meantime, hang in there. :hug:

[MuseRider]

15. Rene

this is such a difficult time. Having a new baby is the most wonderful time and the most difficult. I can't count the times this happened to me in one way or another. I don't pretend to know what is going on for you. I am sorry. I just wanted you to know that we all go through this and that we love you and want things to go well for you. Please let us know how you are and how he is. :hug: :hug: :hug: A hug for each of you.

[LynzM]

16. I'm so sorry to hear that

That kind of waiting game really sucks. ((((( :hug: ))))) and good wishes to you both... PM me if you want to chat about it, it's something that used to happen to me pretty often.

[amber dog democrat]

18. Really all one can say is hang in there

But I am certain he will come back. I would try to find a friend to talk to in the meantime for support. I am sorry this has happened to you.
Sometimes when undergoing painful and difficult situations people act like this.
Hopefully he will let the two of you can face it together.

[Aristus]

19. Hang in there, rbync. I'm pulling for you both, sweetie.

((((((((((rbnyc)))))))))) :grouphug::hug:

[Kahuna]

20. Let us know when he returns and that everything is okay....

We care. :hug:

[notadmblnd]

21. Well if he didn't take his cloths chances are he'll be back.

Is this your first child together? amazing how things change once the little ones arrive, isn't it? My husband used to leave every time we argued too. Start with the I hate that I married you, your a bitch, I want a divorce crap, to the point where I finally didn't care if he stayed or left any longer. Once I asked if he wanted me to pack his shit or if he was going to do it himself but he always came back after a few hours.

When men are frightened, they get angry and when they get angry, they tend to take it out on the ones they love. My husband was sick for a long time and he was angry about that, he was frustrated becuase he felt useless because his physical abilities were extremely limited. I think he thought by trying to make us hate him, he was trying to make it easier for us to let him go. We had finally worked through his anger, fear and frustration and was at peace with each other again when he went to sleep one night and didn't wake up.

It's been just over a year now and somtimes I have to laugh. You see, he left us again and still left me with his things to pack.

[regnaD kciN]

33. A good observation...

When men are frightened, they get angry

We're particularly prone to that reaction since it has been drummed into us ever since we were young that having (and, God forbid, showing) negative emotions such as fear, hurt, anxiety, or helplessness are shameful because they make us look weak, and weakness is one thing we are not allowed to feel. Anger is a "take charge" emotion, so that it becomes a natural "acceptable" substitute. If a man feels scared about the world, or hurt by someone, the only way to express that and still "remain a real man" is by translating it to being angry at this situation or that person. It's a horrible way of handling things, but it's been drummed into so many of us for so long that it has become a reflex action -- most men do it without even realizing what's happening to change their reaction into anger.

[patdem]

25. My GOD Woman! I don't post much but I read alot..and we have seen

both of you go through your engagement, your accident, your marriage and your baby!! We WILL NOT allow you to break up over some silly argument! You will make it through this like you have made it through all the hardships you two have been through..and they are many!.. Like I said I do not post often, but damn it, you have all of DU here to support you! Remember all your hard times just to get to this place?? Do a review of your posts and REMEMBER!!!!

:grouphug: Please let us know you are okay!

[rbnyc]

35. After the accident, I went into therapy, and he didn't.

I wish he would get some help. Anyway. He's come home now. I just wanted to say thanks. Now we're going to spend some time together.

:loveya:

[faithnotgreed]

40. im so glad to hear that..... please take good care of one another

and hold on tight!

prayers and best wishes to all 3

[fluffernutter]

26. he'll be back, you'll work it out, it'll be okay. hug.

[Aiptasia]

27. Marriage is work

No reason to throw in the towel over silly arguements. This too, shall pass. :grouphug:

[madrchsod]

28. he will be back

sometimes you just have to walk away for awhile. put some time aside so you guys can talk without any desecrations. marriage is alot of hard work sometimes, that is something i`ve learned after 30+ years...

[yellowdogintexas]

32. Mine used to do that too.

And he would get set off by the strangest things.

When I finally figured out that feeling inadequate (for what ever lame brained reason it was at the time) was the root of it, I just left him the hell alone until he felt like talking which was usually within 12 to 24 hours. But it took me a while to figure out that I needed to leave him alone ..we women always like to "fix" things, you know..


My mother inlaw helped a lot..she told me how her husband used to rant at the kids whenever he was just returned from overseas duty (Marine Lifer), and she knew it had impacted my husband the most as he was the oldest son. Sometimes we would be over there and you could tell he was in a funk and she would take me aside and ask "Is Steve acting like a horse's patoot again?" ..and when he jumped on our daughter too hard in HER house..she let him have it with all four feet!!!! I miss her.

anyway, much of this was going on when my husband was either unemployed or greatly underemployed. Once he began to earn at least somewhat decent pay again, he mellowed out a whole lot. Now he is very confident andhappy and we have lots of fun.

Yeah he still has a short fuse, but it doesn't ignite over such stupid stuff any more.

We have been married 22 years, by the way.

You know, whenever he would get like that (which our daughter called the "blowfish rages"), I would think about how he acted with her when she was newborn, and how he treats our little furry housemates, with the utmost gentle kindness, and know that he wasn't going to hurt us and wasn't going to do anyone harm. That helped a lot.

Good luck to you and I hope this all settles down.
Even if he won't go to a counselor, you may want to just to learn how to deal with it.

[rbnyc]

36. UPDATE: He's back. He went to play drums.

We talked for a while. Now he's changing the baby. Just wanted to stop in and say thanks so much.

See you all later. We're going to spend some time together. There's a lot to talk about. But he's up for talking.

[fluffernutter]

38. glad he's back. have a good talk, and

even better make-up sex ;)

[elehhhhna]

39. A visit or 2 with a counselor could teach you both HOW to argue...

It's nothing to fear or be ashamed of. Oftentimes depression in men presents itsself as anger/short-fuse behavior. YOU are not going to fix him, though. You must decide when & how to put your foot down, and he must take action. Perhaps if you suggest he do it for the baby's sake? He's obviously stressed (as are you I'm sure) and miserable.

[goodboy]

41. there's something he's not telling you...IMO....nt