Do people in good relationships gripe at each other?

[Guaranteed]

I'd like to get your take on this. I've been living with my girlfriend for close to a year and a half, now, and we get on each other's nerves all the time. That's not to say we don't love each other- we certainly do, and we enjoy each other's company. We actually really rely on each other. But we're always getting on each other's cases about housework and what we eat and stuff like that.

Is this normal? Better yet, should we get married? We've been discussing it for awhile. What do you think?

[alittlelark]

1. Hell Yea!! And they pick at each other too.

and they point out flaws, and they take issue with beliefs, and then, they have great sex.

[BlondieK143]

2. Here's my two cents.

If you're questioning whether or not you should be getting married, you're obviously not ready at this point. Call me a hopeless romantic, but I'm a firm believer you'll know when it's time.

About the griping, look, we're all completely different people. It's normal and actually healthy to argue about things. If it's happening constantly, maybe you just need a day or so apart. Make sure you both have separate lives outside of your life together. The worst thing you could do is lose who you are as a person. So, hang in there and remember, what you're arguing about today won't be important in another day. :hug:

[Guaranteed]

5. Nah, I'm really not questioning it all that much.

It actually seems pretty inevitable.

I just wonder, though, every once in awhile. Some times it seems like she or I might be a little unhappy, what with the griping and the "No, YOU clean out the litter box" and the "What the hell are you doing eating three doughnuts??" (this morning) and the like.

I think it's gonna happen, though.

[wtmusic]

3. Ah, yes

married 15 years, still gripe. Every partner comes with their set of challenges. I'm never going to get my wife to clean rotten food out of the refrigerator. She just won't do it.

Would it ever pull us apart? Not in a million years. I guess Mr. Loony you just have to decide what you can live with, and what you can't live without...

[juslikagrzly]

4. Absolutely it's normal

after years of griping about the same things, the absurdity of it all makes you giggle (after the griping) 11 years and he still won't rinse out the bathroom sink after shaving :-).

[Winamericaback]

6. Well

I couldn't give you advice on marriage but what you described is normal at least in my relationship it is.

I've been with my fiancee for 8 years (we met when we both were 16) so marriage has never been a rush thing. Anyway we both own a business together so basically we spend every minute together and we fight often, its usually over something stupid like him asking if there are any clean socks and me responding with well I don't know have you washed any? and him bitching because I always make sure I have clean clothes and he has to scrounge for them) but in 5 minutes its over and forgotten. I used to hold grudges and I learned that that just made it worse as my fiancee is the type to blow up and then forget everything he said in 3 minutes.

We try to spend some time apart everyday, he plays computer games and I do political stuff on the Internet. It helps keep us sane and gives us something to talk about. When you work together and don't really like to go out often you pretty much run out of discussion topics.

Basically if you love each other all the other crap can be worked out :)

[Guaranteed]

11. Yup. That's it, right there.

That's my life. :)

[Jack_DeLeon]

7. familiarity breeds contempt...

or so they say.

[Guaranteed]

8. Yeah, it's kind of like that.

Maybe wouldn't go so far as to call it contempt- more like frustration.

But I hear ya.

[freeplessinseattle]

9. my Family Therapy prof wrote on the board the first day of class:

CONFLICT IS INEVITABLE


you'd know if your relationship is on the skids, but even then there is hope and potential, if you feel counseling would help, don't hesitate.

ps. living together is a huge relationship challenge, and an adjustment. personally I feel ready to commit to my boyfriend, but keep saying that we would have a better marriage if we had separate homes. but that's just me, speaking as an only child and loner who savors her space.

[magellan]

10. It's normal

The first year or two my husband and I were together, we got on each other's nerves constantly! It's a settling in period. We still argue and fuss now and then (he'll never learn to clean up after himself and I'll never stop nagging him about it, lol), but no major storms for years now.

Mind you, that piece of paper that legally binds you can weigh somewhat at first too. Just go with your heart. When marriage feels right, you'll both know it.

[MatrixEscape]

12. I agree that it is normal ...

in fact, it is healthy. Imagine being with someone, (or being someone) who holds everything in and acts "nice" all the time. Those are the folks that fall down, so to speak. Lookout, she's gonna' blow! It builds and builds and yikes! It comes out eventually.

I think it's not the gripes and arguments that matter as much as resolutions to them afterwards. If you can't resolve them in one way or another, resentment builds, as above.

Fight the good fight with love, but resolve it and try to do it, (make up) before you go to bed at night. It is not good to go to bed angry and you never know if, "I should die before I wake."

That's just some old-fashioned nonsense from experiences.

[jdots]

13. I married Betty Stepford

We all have grown up with too much T.V., Life isn't a half hour show...How do you travel together ? how do you face fright or stress together ? the house work and eating thing are normal cause for bickering we just never saw it on t.v.

[Spinzonner]

14. Well, 'all the time' doesnt sound like a good thing

Even if you can get past it that sounds like a hard thing for your mental and emotional health.

Why not take a look at yourselves (separately) and figure out what's important and what's not and what can be accomplished by griping (often not much) and what can't.

Just forget about what's not important and just a matter of getting your own way. Decide to live with things that you can't change and don't really need to be. And then sit down and try to compromise on things that need to be.

Cut each other some slack.

And if you can't do the above, there are some issues with your relationship that need to be dealt with and maybe the griping is meant to be a provocation.

[ulysses]

15. of course.

It's all in how you handle everything. Make-up sex is much better than a grudge. :)

[fleabert]

16. yes to #1, and only you know the answer to #2. n/t

[SarahB]

17. Sure.

As long as both parties are willing to apologize and compromise in the process. If it's a relationship where it's always one of you having to do it, be careful.

[RPM]

18. Yes.

Just establish the terms -
Griping about the others' behavior - OK
Ad hominem attacks - bad
That's enough to work with

[YellowRubberDuckie]

19. Yes. We gripe at each other all the time.

We have a great relationship. And I bite his head off occasionally too. And he mine. I couldn't live without him. He's my best friend in every way.
Duckie

[Dorian Gray]

20. Different people behave differently in relationships....

My current husband and I gripe at each other, but it's not constant. We argue about politics and television. But, a lot of our arguing is fun bantering. We never insult each other personally. Actual fights are very rare in our household. If they do happen, it is only the result of some serious stress.

[mondo joe]

21. Take the John Gottman Institute Quiz

Dr John Gottman studies marriage and relationships -- this is serious and respected stuff. Not Rikki Lake guest material.

Anyway, his institute has a quiz you might take to see how you score:

http://www.gottman.com/marriage/relationship_quiz/

You can also hear more PARTICULARLY about how couples who argue do and don't succeed on This American Life at http://207.70.82.73/pages/descriptions/04/261.html

[Skittles]

22. it depends

I think loving someone entails accepting some of their flaws - is it a case of just getting on each other's nerves or do you really find these things intolerable? If you find them intolerable they will eventually come between you. If it's a simple matter of griping because, well, they do things differently than you and you feel free to comment about it - well, that may be ok. If there's something they do you truly, truly can't stand you need to work out a compromise with change of behavior.