Can a person love someone they never met?

[Ophelia]

I don't mean infatuated since it's been over a year here since these feelings began (and also withstood a pretty big test), but can two people who have never met face to face, but written, say, hundreds of letters (most quite long and in depth) and talked, really know each other well enough to love each other? We haven't thrown the "l" word out much because I think we're both a bit scared here given various circumstances and life histories, but it feels like it's there. I guess I'll know soon for sure, but this person is so wonderful, it floors me at times. I also know he feels the same way about me.

If you know me, please keep me incognito for now.

[GOPisEvil]

1. Of course it is possible.

In fact, there is a depth of knowledge to be gained by communicating long distances that is sometimes not available in person.

Let me edit my response by saying that it is important to follow up in person and make sure the feelings epxressed translate in the in-person relationship.

[Ophelia]

27. Lots of depth.

It's getting to be finally the right time for that follow up. :D

[VelmaD]

2. No...

because you don't really know them. You know an idealized image of them that you have in your head.

[JitterbugPerfume]

6. yes you can

love has many flavors

[Ophelia]

8. That's my fear.

Well, concern really. We've talked about this and are very conscious of it as well. It's just not going to be known until it's known I suppose to a degree.

[StopTheMorans]

9. I agree wholeheartedly

you love what they've given you to love, not the whole person...

[jonnyblitz]

56. exactly....I believe you CAN get an intense "emotion" for

somebody via correspondence but it can't be love in a rational sense because you don't have the complete "idea" of a person without visuals and personal interaction. but I am not an expert so who knows> :shrug:

[Dorian Gray]

85. This is very true...

I met someone online once. We spent months talking. We met. We had a passionate affair for about two months, then it just fizzled out.

I'm sure if both parties are being totally honest with one another, then it's possible. But, it's also quite common that the wall of anonynimity will either a) prevent someone from showing their faults or b) allowing the parties to get an idealized version of a person without really seeing the faults of the other person.

I do know people who have met online, and they got married as a result. But, they spent two or more years dating after meeting face to face.

Your feelings, however, whether infatuation or love, are real. I would suggest meeting up and spending time with the person in real life before you jump the gun and make any long standing plans. Other than that, there is nothing wrong with how you feel! Go with it! It's all a part of life, anyhow! :)

[thedailyshow]

3. well...

I thought I loved this girl who strongly resembled Angelina Jolie, but it turned out to be a sick perv in a wheelchair with a tiny dick. He'd used some other girl's photos in a personal and passed them off as himself. That guy was fucking sick.

[StopTheMorans]

7. that is either hilarious if you just made it up, or extremely disturbing

if you didn't...

[thedailyshow]

14. this is actually a true story

We even talked on the phone, and I didn't know he was a guy because he was using one of those devices to disguise his voice. I figured it out about six months later, when I was looking back through my e-mails and I realized that he'd totally made up a professor from his university. I did a directory search, and that professor didn't exist, and neither did the girl I thought I'd been talking to for six months. I find myself still creeped out by this to this day.

[StopTheMorans]

18. that is genuinely disturbing on so many levels

knowing that someone else was, for lack of a better term, getting off on a vision of you, while you thought that they were a completely different person, must be extremely disturbing. fucking sick; that's why i've never dated anyone i've "met" online; too many chances:)

[DS1]

54. A professor from a university that doesn't exist

using other people's pictures and a voice modulator?

Wow! Was the modulator that good that you had no idea it was a guy?

:scared:

[thedailyshow]

57. actually

the girl claimed to be taking a class with this professor, and it turned out that he didn't exist, and neither did the girl at that university. That guy was so FUCKING creepy. The modulator was the kind that you buy from those airline catalogs. You know the airline catalogs with every imaginable piece of unneccessary crap in it. I reported that motherfucker to the FBI, and I haven't heard from him in three years.

I fucking learned my lesson when it came to online dating. I'll take my girls in bars from now on.

[DS1]

60. So you showed up and met

freaked out ( naturally ) because it was a dude and he gave you some line like "But I thought you loved me" and all that?

Frightening.

[thedailyshow]

61. no, I never met him in person

I used my discovery of the fake professor to ask him to tell me the truth, and he sent me photos of himself as this guy in a wheelchair. I asked him to provide me some proof, and he showed me a webcam of himself. I then used all the info I got from him to send to the FBI. The fucking weirdo was actually in love with me. ugh! :scared:

[DS1]

62. It wasn't Jim Robinson was it?

Sorry, it had to be done.

I don't know what crime might have been committed that he could be charged for, but it could have been a serial type thing.

[thedailyshow]

64. nope

It was fraud, impersonation of someone else. I think those could be classified as crimes. Be careful of who you think is a "hot" date prospect on the internet!

[RaleighNCDUer]

35. or visa versa n/t

[nickinSTL]

4. I don't know...

I think you should probably take it slowly, and get to know each other in person before getting too serious.

I have a friend who met her fiance online, so it can work out, but they also spent a long time getting to know each other face-to-face before getting engaged.

I'd suggest not jumping into anything entirely based on online communication.

[Ophelia]

11. Slow is the mantra.

There's no hurry with either of us to rush anything at this point in our lives.

[illflem]

5. Yes, but

I feel if it's a relationship you're looking at that it would be prudent to meet the person on their own turf to get an idea if what they've been telling you is factual before going any further

[OldLeftieLawyer]

10. You're infatuated with an abstraction

Sort of like falling for the new BMW roadster that you see in commercials.

Loving someone is knowing them, being with them, experiencing them up close and personal. It's one thing to get all involved with someone over the phone and via letters, but it's fantasy compared to day-to-day life.

Ain't nothing like flesh on flesh, and I'm not talking about sex. It's watching someone eat a piece of toast, or how that person treats the dog. Watching him talk, watching his face, his hands, how he moves when he talks. Helping her carry the groceries in, and seeing her with her friends. Finding out how he drives, and how he behaves when the traffic goes nuts. Being with her when she encounters strangers, and chats with them.

Going to a bookstore together, a music store. Sitting through movies.

That kind of stuff. That's where you get to know a person, and then, maybe you begin to love them, and not just the idea of them.

My goodness, you do ask a startling and interesting question. I hope everything goes wonderfully for you both.

[Ophelia]

17. I see that too.

All those tendencies/idiosyncrasies of another person is something you can't know until you're actually together.

[skygazer]

12. Yes as long as its been an honest correspondence

And the only way to discover that would be to meet and see if they really are as they've appeared in writing. But it's certainly possible - after all, what a person is is more than what they look like. If it's been honest, you've learned what is in their heart and mind. I hope it turns out to be everything you want it to be.

[Ophelia]

20. Never let me down yet.

I've done my best to "check up" and all seems well. Plus, I know of others who have met him as well (in a platonic setting) and have heard nothing but good things.

[redqueen]

13. Yes

I think so

[Aiptasia]

I think all three of you are correct..

My magic 8 ball says, "Maybe.."

If your still willing to go through with a long distance relationsip of this kind, see about a few webcam dates via MSN netmeeting or instant messenger.

Then, if that goes well, agree to meet in neutral territory with large crowds and easy access/exits. My old trick was/is to have a friend call me on the cell phone at a pre-arranged time. If all isn't going well, you can create an excuse to get away.

You just can't be too trusting in the internet world.

[Ian David]

15. Yes they can, but don't count on it.

Lots of people win the lottery.

But that doesn't mean your next scratch ticket will make you a millionaire.

Many people have a much easier time pretending to be something they are not when they're chatting online or on the phone.

Beware.

Be very cautious.

I hear terrible "Tales of Woe" from many, many people in the same position you are, and I'd say 80% of the time it is disapointing, 5% of the time it is fantastic, and 15% of the time it is catastrophic.

Watch The Jenny Jones and Jerry Springer shows every day for a couple of months before you get your hopes up.

Have fun, but be careful.

[Ophelia]

23. No pretending.

If he were or just out to use me, it would have happened and he would have been long gone. I don't want to get too personal here, but I have no reason to doubt either his intent or sincerity. There are too many factors.

I'm nothing if not cautious and I understand what you're saying.

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

16. No, in my opinion, you can't.

Knowing someone in real life, sharing life experiences, seeing first hand all of one's quirks and pecadillos... those are very essential to being in love.

[EstimatedProphet]

19. Truly? I hate to say this, but no

I've been in the same position you are in. Met someone online who I fell in love with, and she with me too. We emailed every day, and phoned each other too. Had it simply stopped there, we would have been happy together, but I did go to visit her, and found out that the truth was not what I thought it was.

I don't believe she lied or misrepresented herself. What happened is a consequence of not spending actual face-to-face time with each other. Writing/phone conversations can only carry so much information, and it leaves a lot of blank space. It is simply human nature to fill in the blank space with what you want the other person to be; it is so natural to do so, that you can know that you are doing just that (as I did) and still fall victim to it. the next thing you know, you have constructed an alternate person that you love out of the one you thought you loved.

So I say no. This doesn't at all mean that your feelings aren't real, or that they don't matter. What it does mean is that you should meet and put flesh on the image you have of your mate-find out who they are really, and see how different they are from who you think they are. then you will be in a position to know each other fully.

[Ophelia]

24. dupe

[Ophelia]

26. This makes sense.

It's why we don't use these words and why it was also good for us to come to other important conclusions about things in our individual lives before we finally decided for sure we would meet. There's enough there that it's definitely possible, but again, we won't know until we actually know. Worthy enough to try though I think, but what you say makes a lot of sense.

[EstimatedProphet]

31. Go

Meet him. Find out. It's worth it. Just don't go with preconceived notions of who he is, because those are your notions. It happens when people have face-to-face relationships too-for example, my fiance often laughs at the fact that I like some lowbrow movies, because I like highbrow ones too, and somehow I'm not supposed to like both.
These are the kind of day-to-day things that really do make up a relationship.

[yvr girl]

21. Interesting question

I think in some ways you can get to know a person better. It's easier to ask tough questions in writing that may be difficult to ask in person. You also spend a lot of time talking that would be spent otherwise if you were together.

The danger is that the other person isn't truthful. You don't know until you meet. There is also something to be said for seeing how a person behaves.

[WilliamPitt]

22. No

Not to say it cannot become love, but being in the physical presence of the other person is an unavoidable necessity. Before that, it's all just an idea that is far too easily wrecked when reality intrudes.

[frictionlessO]

28. have to agree here. Pheromones, pheromones, pheromones... quite

honestly, chemistry doesnt happen till you mingle your scents. I say what you have now is a kind of love no doubt, but still shy of physical love.
olde saying "a coach with out wheels is merely a shack attached to a horse" or some such nonsense.
Love under will, so love at will. Just be cautious the way you have been. Good on ya!

[Ophelia]

29. "Mingle our scents"

Kind of ironic given our perversions happenings this week. I'll ask him tomorrow anyway. :spank:

I'll shut up now on that subject. :7

[frictionlessO]

34. this just reeks of perverse liberal persuasions,

please Miss may I have some more???
:spank: :o :loveya: good times!!

[jonnyblitz]

58. exactly. n/t

[tjdee]

25. Of course you can, anyone who says otherwise is a not a true bleeding hear

t commie pinko. :P

Of course you can.

[Phentex]

30. I say yes!

I have a cousin who "met" a lady from England online. They fell in love, or at least he was pretty sure he loved her when he flew over to meet her. They've been married for a few years now. :)

[BiggJawn]

32. You don't have kids, do you?

Of COURSE you can love somebody you've never met. I had 9 months's waiting to finally meet her.

[Ophelia]

38. true

I do and I understand exactly what you're saying.

[BiggJawn]

41. :-)

I wrote and phoned my girlfriend for several weeks before I met her. Big change from how I usually got involved with somebody. :D

[City of Mills]

33. I married my online friend

We began corresponding after a chance online encounter; we began writing to each other quite frequently, sharing the good and bad things that were happening in each other's lives. There came a point where I had developed very stong feelings for this girl, and I knew she was feeling the same. After 8 months we decided we would meet (we hadn't even exchanged photos yet). We hit it off immediately (as neither of us had been embellishing who we really were) and became best friends. We've been inseparable ever since, and I've had 1 1/2 years of wedded bliss with her :)

So, it can be done :)

[Ophelia]

36. Similar on the picture thing.

I saw him before he saw me which is kind of good because it was first time I ever experienced a man liking me first for things about me on the inside rather than the outside. I'm not saying I'm the most gorgeous woman in the world, but I have a face and a figure that definitely gets noticed often to the detriment of being noticed for my other qualities. Frankly, I have gotten hit on online (and IRL) far too often by people who liked the outside without much regard for the inside. This was incredibly refreshing. When he realized what I looked like, he said "it was a very nice bonus". :D
And yeah, this was most definitely a "chance" encounter as neither of us were seeking anything. It was just suddenly there and we were drawn to each other.

[City of Mills]

42. Oh, that sounds so nice

We decided to meet because we both felt that we either had to see if what we felt about each other was real, or if we should just move on. As it turned out, we were both immediately attracted to each other so it worked out perfectly. We did not start a relationship for at least six months, as hard as it was to resist (and we did bend the rules a little at times :evilgrin: ), because we did not want to ruin or diminish the friendship we built. Somehow we managed, and by the time we were an actual 'item', we felt we'd already known each other for years so it was great.

My wife felt the same as you, as she happened to be a very attractive girl who was used to being liked by many guys, for obvious reasons. She knew with me, that I really saw her for her beautiful mind before anything else. :pals:

[indigobusiness]

37. I'm madly in love with you...

for your name alone.


edit- ByTheRiver's story is inspiring. This is why they call it "romantic" love.

Just don't wait too long, don't let the friendship stage solidify.

[Ophelia]

39. Thanks.

It used to apply more than it does now, but at one time it kind of did and therefore became by my alter ego. I'd bet you'd like my other one as well. :)

[yvr girl]

43. And here I thought you loved me

;(

[indigobusiness]

45. I thought you had forsaken me.

I had to move on.

[yvr girl]

46. I was just shy all of a sudden

[indigobusiness]

47. Well, pucker up...

***baby***

[yvr girl]

48. smooooch

[indigobusiness]

49. Life is grand!!!

I've gone all wobbly.

[yvr girl]

51. Perhaps we should sit down

[indigobusiness]

52. We

should.

[Sparkle]

40. I love Bill Clinton and I never met him.

So yes, it is possible.:-)

[Bat Boy]

44. Yes. But I'm not allowed to contact her anymore.

Court says. But we're meant to be together. And I know she feels the same about me, she's just playing hard to get.

Damn you, Ann Coulter! You will be mine!

I hate you...

I love you...

I hate you...

[the Princess]

50. No

It's infatuation - REAL love only comes from being with that person and knowing them through good times and bad. THAT'S love - all the rest is a pale copy.

[johnnie]

53. I would say you probably could

Sure...meeting face to face does play a part in it all, but as some of the posts here seem to be saying is that you have to see them do this and do that, see how they walk and eat and whatever. Going by that then, a person who is blind could never fall in love. I believe that emotional love is a lot stronger than physical love and I think it can happen.
There is no doubt that people have thought they have been "in love" with someone they met on the Internet and then found out they were getting hosed, but I know a lot of people who thought they were in love and even gotten married. They then found out that the person was not what they thought they were and ended up in divorce.

[madison2000]

55. I think so, but be prepared for a big shift when you meet

that person in the flesh. It just feels different, and the longer you've been corresponding online or over the phone, the stranger its going to feel. That doesn't mean you can't get past it, but expect to feel very shy and awkward for a little while, like you've disclosed intimate stories with a stranger. If its love, you'll get past it.

[Ophelia]

67. I can see that too.

It started 14 months ago and for a good six months, there was little communication because frankly, we were in no place to have the kind of relationship we wanted and we are both ethical people. I spent much time figuring out other things in my life and where I wanted them to be in absence of this. Then things clicked again with a better understanding than before. We probably won't get together for at least another 2 or 3 months, so it's even more time. We both expect some awkwardness at first especially given we've manage to bare just about everything with each other. This is very new and strange to me to say the least.

[Amaya]

59. Not sure...

I say you've got to feel the flesh.

[Ophelia]

68. "Feel the flesh"

You're naughty! :spank:

[Arkana]

63. Tread carefully with that one...

I personally don't believe love is possible if you've never met before, but you should follow the advice many people have given you here and be careful. Your preconceived notions of the person you're corresponding with may be WAY off when you actually meet.

[Bertha Venation]

65. Absolutely.

Mrs. Venation and I are an example.

[Ophelia]

72. Congrats to you both.

I'm not looking for a Mr. Phelia anytime soon, but it's nice to know that these things can occasionally work out nicely.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

66. Maybe...

But it's unlikely. You might not like the person once you get into the same room with them. I speak from experience. Just be careful, and don't get your heart wrapped up until you've spent some face time with the person you think you may love.
Duckie

[Ophelia]

69. I hear you.

We're both a bit battered and bruised in a sense and both old enough to have plenty of life experience here. I'm at a place where I'm rather content with being alone (so is he) and if it ends up working out in reality as much as it does in our vast array of writings (working out doesn't necessarily mean "marriage" :scared:), it'll be a pretty nice, unexpected bonus for both of us. If not, I'll be disappointed, but I know where I am and know myself enough that I'll be ok.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

73. Sounds like you have a really good head on your shoulders...

I hope everything works out for you. :hug:
Duckie

[GoddessOfGuinness]

70. I think you're the only people who can answer that question.

Nobody here knows precisely how intimate you've become with each other.

It's probably wise that you haven't thrown the "l" word around much; because it's certainly nothing to be flippant about. As much as you both might long for true love, maybe it's best to wait on it until you've actually met.

I hope things work out for you! :)

[Ophelia]

71. Thanks and thanks to all.

I think it's wise too and I'm generally not so emotional or giddy when it comes to this stuff at all. We just struck a definite chord with each other and nothing seems to eliminate those feelings that are there (even consciously trying to). We won't know until we know I guess, but perhaps I'll bookmark this thread and update it less secretly in a few months if it does go well and make everyone's mouth drop. We. Shall. See. :D

[AntiCoup2K4]

74. All I can speak from is my own experience

and that is to say that long distance relationships in general are difficult. Sustaining one with someone you haven't yet met is even more so.

[radwriter0555]

75. Why would you love someone who doesn't love you? That makes

no sense at all.

[SarahB]

78. What gives you that impression?

It seems as though the relationship is mutual, but hey, what do I know? :shrug:

[Lex]

83. I think you are right SarahBelle.

I don't think there was ANYTHING said in the intial post to give the impression it was a one-sided deal.

:shrug:

[THUNDER HANDS]

76. i love Bruce Springsteen. I've never met him though

I also love Elizabeth Edwards, but haven't met her either.

Can you be IN LOVE with someone you've never met? No.

[Gryffindor_Bookworm]

77. Sure.

I haven't met my newest baby niece yet, but I love her.

A romantic type love? I dunno.

[SarahB]

79. I'm clueless about all this stuff, but good luck.

:D

[buddhamama]

80. love, yes

However, I could not be "in-love" with someone whom I have not met. There are different kinds of love. I can only speak for myself. I do not know you or him, your relationship and what you're both capable of. I wish you both the best.

[Mrs. Venation]

81. Yes, You Can

Bertha and I grew to love each other deeply before we ever met face-to-face. We shared many letters and phone calls and we knew each other quite well.

Bertha and I have been living together for a little over four years. We love each other more with each passing day. We are very lucky, very blessed.

I'm happy for you, Ophelia.

Mrs. V.

[SOteric]

82. Love is an odd concept,

and entirely an abstraction.

As much as we may all like to think it an objective truth which can be accessed by the rational, love is part of the grand chaos that makes up the disordered order of the universe. We tend to think of love as something 'earned' over time and with honesty, integrity and good behaviour. Love isn't earned; it is where it is and is lacking where it's lacking.

Anyone over the age of 20 has likely had a time when they've either inexplicably failed to love someone who was ideal for them, or passionately adored someone who was unquestioningly wrong for them.

I know a couple who courted for 12 years and when they finally married, it broke up in 3 months. My closest friends grandparents married on two weeks acquaintance, never fought in their lives and are still quite happily married and deeply in love all these years later.

Sure, loving someone you've never met is possible. I don't even see it as all that unusual.

Whether that means a lasting relationship is likely is another question, but love is possible.

[Ophelia]

86. Chaos

There was a time that I cursed the feelings he brought out in me. I didn't look for this and was sort of numbly living in my mode of pragmatism until.... wham! Even when I thought for a very long time that nothing was going to come of this, I finally had to sit and look at things and finally take care of handling truths I had long known and really come to a better place within myself without regard for any man in my life or that could come into my life, but only what I needed and to be content with myself alone if need be (and I still need a vast amount of space for awhile and that is truly understood).

You probably know a few bits and pieces of this, of what I'm saying here I think. I don't know what will happen. If nothing else, we gave and will hopefully continue to give each other some understanding, much needed boosts of ego after all we have been through, and a great feeling of safety with the other. Whatever happens is yet known and sometimes it's scary, sometimes it's hopeful, sometimes I seriously question it all (like when I wrote the original post for instance), but mostly I just feel open to letting it be whatever it is without necessarily having to define it.

:)

[fluffernutter]

84. love, yes. in love...not yet. I think chemistry plays a huge part.

I really thought I loved someone once, someone I even sort of knew in my past and had remet online. It was online that we began talking and I swear I have never clicked with someone the way I did with him writing and chatting online, even talking on the phone.

When we finally saw each other in person, it was so strange. We still had a connection, but it was more like brother-sister. There was just zero chemistry. When we both thought we would be falling all over each other before this, it just didn't happen in real life.

I think it could be different for you - I just get a good vibe. I hope you two have chemistry :)