He is 43. She is 18. They are planning a wedding.

[Saffy]

Without knowing anything else, how does this relationship dynamic strike you?

Now, add 2 kids.

Now, make one of those kids a teen, and she just so happens be a good friend of the "18" y/o, and was, in fact, the person that introduced them to each other.

How many ways is this scenario fitting into all of those ridiculous talk shows I HATE?

I cannot believe this is part of my and my children's lives.

[YellowRubberDuckie]

1. Makes you wonder if he was fucking around with her when she was younger...

Perv.
Duckie

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

2. She's marrying a father figure and he is marrying a child

My niece did it. Married a 40 plus YO man when she was in her early 20's...he had two teenagers...it lasted 9 months

[Must_B_Free]

My friend married a 43 year old when she was 16

don't know how long it lasted, but she's remarried now.

[Ian David]

3. As long as they're not gay, they'll be fine parents

[Doctor_J]

21. heh

[gollygee]

51. Yes, thank goodness we saved the sanctity of marriage

so that this 43-year-old can marry his child's schoolmate.

:eyes:


(edited to fix emoticon)

[NC_Nurse]

4. Wow.

Is that why you chose the name "Saffy"? A reference to the character on Absolutely Fabulous?

It definitley would make a good plot for that show....:silly:

[ronnykmarshall]

13. A little Bolly, Sweetie?

[Chovexani]

28. Patsy rules!

Cut the cord, darling.

[ronnykmarshall]

52. Right, cheers, thanks a lot!

Patsy Stone is my goddess!

[ronnykmarshall]

66. Right, cheers, thanks a lot.

[wildeyed]

5. Whoa, one huge midlife crisis.

At least you have a little humor about it. Remember to breathe deeply and often, is all I can say.

[Jack_Dawson]

6. Way to Go, Dude!

:toast:

[Liberaltarian]

25. same feelings here!

you go guy!

[DS1]

30. Fuck that

18 yr olds have too many hangups ;-)

[WannaJumpMyScooter]

39. So do 43-year-olds, IIRC... that is about the age we all lose it

by 50, we are back to normal again.

[BringEmOn]

7. Was he a math teacher?

Did he ask her to stay after school so he could prove to her that 43 could go into 18 three times?

[Dora]

67. Horrid response. But funny!

[chaska]

8. When I was 42 I was involved with a 21 year old.

It was a beautiful dream for the nine months that it lasted, but looking back, I don't know how it could have survived.

The situation you describe just can't work. 99 to 1. Hopefully nobody gets seriously hurt (emotionally speaking) in this scenario. That's about the best you can hope for.

[RevolutionaryActs]

9. I'm 18 and I only have one thing to say about that.. EW!

:puke:

[jdots]

10. remember the Stone's Bass Player ?

he married his son's wife's daughter.......the rule is this(once again) he is 43 so he divides that by 2 and adds 11 years=21&1/2+11 thats 32 and a half years old.
Hit the guy with a brick up side his sleazy head and tell the 18 year old to get over her daddy thing.
This sucks,whats next ? old guys dating sperm ?

[RagingInMiami]

17. but it's different if you're in a band

look at rod stewart

[unblock]

24. did this happen in real life? that's the old "i'm my own grandpa" song

his mother-in-law's father-in-law is himself, making him his own grandpa. cute old song that runs through many more bizarre relations, once they throw in children and brothers and so on.

never heard of it happening in real life though!

[Cheswick2.0]

11. any man that age so pathetic intellectually that he marries an 18 yr old

is not worth worrying over. Your kids will be okay as long as they have one parent with some common sense.

[Renew Deal]

12. Who are these people to you?

[Taverner]

14. I don't give it long, but sure, why not?

People do all kinds of crazy things...I should know...

[LDS Jock]

57. what crazy thing have you done.. confess

[Saffy]

15. I neglected to mention

that he is the FATHER of the girl (our daughter) who later introduced the
'other' girl to her Lolita-esque mentor, now soon-to-be-husband.

I absolutely HATE resembling these faux, yellow-bellied excuses for sanctimoniuos talk-show propaganda...and yet, here I am.

I'm ay an impasse with ex-husband. He insists on having her a part of our lives, and I'm a stone's throw away from calling the authorities on his supporting an M.I.P.

[Taverner]

19. Minor In Posession?

Why has he been giving his fiancee alchohol?

[AlCzervik]

22. What is it about him that grown woman don't like?

Is he intimidated by woman his age or is he into having control? The whole thing makes me feel icky to be honest, what do they have in common besides sex?

[Lone_Star_Dem]

26. That is not good...

It was bad when I thought that the girl getting married was your daughter. I thought how I would cry if my daughter did that. But, your ex marrying his daughters friend it's worse.

How's your daughter taking it? Poor girl!

[hickman1937]

62. Get yourself out

right now. Emotionally, daily life wise, whatever. Stay away. It will only get worse. Ms 18 will spawn, and then the game is on. Get out now.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

16. Thank god for the "off" switch.

Sounds like a good time to read a book, and leave moron TV to morons, or people who find them entertaining.

On edit: Yikes...It suddenly dawns on me that this is NOT some crappy show, but real crap.

I'm truly sorry for the anguish this must cause you. However, 18 is the age of legal consent, is it not? It sounds as if you have no choice but to accept the situation, as painful as it must be.

Your ex will most likely find himself abandoned in a short amount of time. I hope he learns from the experience.

[CarbonDate]

18. I've known a few couples....

...who were 18 years apart or more and it worked. One of the couples has been married for about six years; the other was my aunt, who married a man over twenty years her senior. They've been married for over twenty years.

It can work. Not very often, but every once in a while.

[warrens]

20. Ridiculous

The joke used to be "to her, the Beatles were just Paul McCartney's old band." I guess today it's Smashing Pumpkins/Billy Corghan or something.

18. Yeesh. Friends with his kids. DOUBLE yeesh.

[Misunderestimator]

23. When I was 18 I was very close to marrying a 42-year old man...

Glad THAT didn't happen. Sorry, but I don't see how it has a chance.

[Phillycat]

70. So bad, he turned you gay?

;-)

[arwalden]

74. In My First LTR...

... I was 19 and he was 43. WHAT WAS HE THINKING? What was *I* thinking. --- It might work for some folks, but it was a disaster for us.

Maybe the fact that he was a cruel, controlling, hypersensitive, paranoid, and sometimes violent alcoholic might have had something to do with it as well.

[Deja Q]

27. What, like Jerry Springer for example?

:D

[SarahB]

29. I became involved with a 28 year old at 18.

That's not even nearly as bad as a 25 year difference I know, but still along similar lines. I live it closely enough.
Married him. Had kids with him. Lived his dreams so long that I forgot I had my own and was sad and unsatisfied all the time.
Now at 32 and 42, I'm divorcing him. Let's hope he doesn't hook up with another "young chick".

Many men like very young women because they're malleable and the men are insecure individuals. This stuff makes me sad. :(

[Doctor_J]

41. Condolences, SB

and good luck in your next life.

[SarahB]

45. I'll be more than fine.

I have a lot of responsibilities, but I have so much going for myself that I know I'll be ok. I'm smart, ambitious, responsible, and extremely energetic. I'd rather do something about it now, than wait many more years in a state of unhappiness. I've lived there long enough. Fortunately, he's a very good father and now that I need a co-parent and not a partner, we're able to do the co-parenting aspect together. It's been a hard road this past year, but it's almost over thankfully.

Thank you, though. :)

[bearfan454]

71. Me and Mrs bearfan are 48 and 45 respectfully.

I couldn't imagine being with someone in the early 20's. I'm sure I would run out of gas first plus people think so differently at those ages.

[Chovexani]

31. Stop that girl. By any means necessary.

When I was 14 I got involved with a man more than twice my age (he was 29) whom I met on the Internet. I screamed that it was true love every time someone would tell me that he was just using me. I wanted to marry him; thank the Gods I had a family who intervened and wasn't one of those Springer parents that emancipate their teen daughters so they can marry these losers. It would have been the biggest mistake of my life, even if I had been 18 and able to go through with it.

I am older and wiser, and looking back on it, I know exactly why I was so enamored with this guy. My father was emotionally abusive and largely absent from my life, and I clung to my ex because he was the first male who paid me any kind of positive attention. He lavished affection and gifts on me, and the effect was much like a starving child would have if finally given a decent meal. I was emotionally and spiritually broken and this man, himself emotionally broken and very immature, took advantage of me. I was very young and sheltered and had no idea what I was getting myself into; he was at least in name an adult and he stole my innocence from me. Oh, his ex-common law wife was a girl he met when she was 16 and her parents basically gave her to him so they'd be rid of her. I later found out that, after the law forced us apart, he got involved with an 18 year old woman who was diagnosed with HIV.

Now, I'm not saying that every couple with a really huge age difference is necessarily like this; some are genuinely in love with each other and are kindred spirits and stay together for a really long time (Stewart and Janet Farrar, married Wiccan elders from the UK, were such a couple, he was much, much older than she was). Without knowing the details of the couple you're mentioning, I can only go by my own experience, which is to be deeply suspicious of this man and his motivations. Is this the first much younger woman he's been involved with? If so, I would give them the benefit of the doubt. If not, I would tell this girl to run for the hills and not look back.

[Saffy]

32. Thank you, Chovexani.

When all is said and done, I can only hope she wakes up and smells the proverbial coffee. Obviously, he won't.

It'sa sad state of affairs when my faith goes to an 18 y/o I barely know rather than the 40+ y/o I was once married to, and had 2 children with.

[GoddessOfGuinness]

35. Men go through mentalpause, too...

He'll figure that out before long.

[Chovexani]

38. Well

Hopefully if she does go through with it, when it inevitably ends quickly she'll have learned something from it and can take those life lessons with her down the road. As horrible as my relationship was, I learned a hell of a lot from it and have helped other young women dodge the bullet.

At 40+, well, your ex sounds like a damn fool and not likely to change any time soon. My heart goes out to his kids, because they're ineviably the ones that suffer for the vanity of parents like that (don't get me started on my own damn fool father).

[GoddessOfGuinness]

33. Would you have listened to that guy's ex when you were 14?

It's not likely that this girl will at 18 either.

[Chovexani]

36. I don't think I would have.

The sad thing is at 18 this girl is an adult and legally she CAN go through with it. And if this guy is a pig it will fuck up her life.

I don't think anything short of an intervention would work. Even then I'm not sure, but I would try. It's really maddening to see someone going down the same path to ruin you almost went down. :(

[GoddessOfGuinness]

44. When I was not yet 20, I had a fling with a much older man

who was the father of a friend.

I was the one who ended things...and I wasn't terribly gentle about it. I just didn't return his calls.

I never felt too bad about it. Not that I enjoyed hurting him; but it was pretty obvious to me at the time that he was not someone to get too emotionally involved with. It would have been a bad scene for everyone.

There's a reason why 18 is the age of legal consent. It's because most 18 year olds have enough sense to handle their affairs and the pain that sometimes accompanies them.

It's terrible that you were abused as a young teen, and that you had genuine feelings for the asshole who used you. No child should have to go through something like that... :hug:

[Cuban_Liberal]

34. "Springer" material.

I predict a 15-month lifespan for the marriage--- at best.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

37. ugh..sleazy

[masaka___]

40. Nicholas Cage + Alice Kim ?

[iconoclastic cat]

42. I see this kind of age difference all the time, only worse: Like 16 v. 40.

I am a high school teacher, and I was shocked to see my sophmores at a school function being escorted by grown men. Very, very creepy.

[dorktv]

43. I tend to go for older guys. Oldest guy I had the hots for

was over 30 years my senior. Currently I have the hots for a guy who is 46 and I am 25. Not a father figure but older guys are generally easier to talk to.

[SarahB]

47. The older you get, the less it matters.

When one person is still a teen though and it gets serious (as in marriage), it's something else. I'm 32 and I had a recent crush on someone well into his 50's. Age isn't a factor so much when both parties are well into adulthood.

[dorktv]

49. This is true. But people in their teens can be fairly mature.

One of the most mature guys I have ever known was 19. Say can you get into you know where? I have not been able to log on tonight. And go to You know where chat!

[Pacifist Patriot]

46. I'll admit it.

I would not be comfortable with this relationship dynamic.

[politicat]

48. It can work... but it takes extraordinary individuals.

My great-great grandmother married a man 30 years her senior. It was an incredibly happy marriage until he died in the Influenza epidemic.

One of my dearest friends is married to a man about 30 years her senior; they met when she was 25 and he in his fifties. It works, but it works in part because she's serious and brilliant and far more mature than most women at 25 (were).

If she's not extraordinarily mature, wise, intelligent, and talented, then you know it's for the sex and the fact that she makes him feel young, or that he is emotionally stunted. If you can't hold a rational conversation with her that doesn't make you feel old, like a mom, or parental, then it's definitely a situation of Last Call at the Last Chance Saloon of Youth. However, if you can hold a conversation with her as an equal (with different backgrounds, of course) then it can work.

I was partnered with a woman twice my age when I was in college. It worked beautifully until I lost her in a car accident. But it requires that maturity and insight that's not common in teenagers, and (seeming to my old fogey bones) becoming rarer each minigeneration.

Pcat

[Red State Rebel]

50. Oh geez, I'm on your side on this one and I can tell you a better one....

We had a secretary who's daughter left her husband for his father. Yep, hey kids, meet grandpa dad!

[RetroLounge]

53. Well, I'm 43, and the thought of marrying an 18 yr old

makes me very very queesy. It's just weird and wrong.

Now having an affair or just a fling? Sure, I can see it.

RL

[RiffRandell]

54. Good fucking luck. n/t

[Withywindle]

55. It's a little skeezy but....

If she's a mature 18 and he's an immature 43....(almost certainly he is, anyway). But it used to be a lot more acceptable than it is now.



The worst one I ever saw in an engagement announcement in my hometown paper was man 63, woman 19. And they already had the same last name (and not an especially common one either)!

[Placebo]

56. I dated a 40 year old when I was 16...

but he thought I was 18 (whoops, who could he have gotten that idea from? :P)

I'm pretty mature acting (in the real world) and so it didn't have that whole father/son feeling to it. (Ew.)

Only lasted about a month.

[LDS Jock]

58. near deja vu.... my sister 36, her husband 18

this was her second husband. They met through her daughter, who was 17 and turned down the 18 yo guy when he asked her out. My sister already had two kids, both nearly his age at 17 and 15. Their marriage lasted about two years. He is remarried now and has a little boy named Willard. My apologies to the Willards of the world, but that name just cracks me up.

[Elidor]

59. Is this a pilot for a sitcom?

'Cause so far it's brilliant. The possibilities are endless.

If it's real life, god help you all.

Life's funniest lesson: We all end up starring in our own bizarre sitcoms. No matter what we do.

[norml]

60. So wish them well,and get out of the way.

Your objections only egg them on,and they,including your daughter who introduced them,are probably enjoying your displeasure. If you are the mature one,here is your chance to show it. Sure,roll your eyes,but don't try to break them up. It will only give them an excuse to blame you for any problems they may have later.

[Schema Thing]

61. Whoa...not in Northern Cali is this?

Cuz I might know these people!

[porkrind]

63. They are both consenting adults.

Odds are it won't last, but hey, if they love each other, who are we to condemn it? Why get all worked up over it? Let them try to be happy.

[masaka___]

64. agreed.

let's not worry about numbers so much and mind our own business.

[leftofthedial]

65. sounds like the one dude from Bill and Ted's Excellent Adventure

Gives a whole new meaning to "Mom is a Senior."

[catzies]

68. My 24-year-old daughter is dating a 38-year-old. I'm 42 and not happy

about it at all.

[Dora]

69. Oh, so sorry!

Do I understand this correctly? Your ex-husband is about to marry your daughter's 18-y.o. friend? How horrible for you and your daughter.

If this is true, I just hope that she comes to her senses, because I doubt that most men in that position of power would do anything to derail the sick path they're on.

I once had a friend who married at 18 to a man who was 19, and they divorced after a year. She promptly moved in with a man in his 50s, and they lived together for 4-5 years, until she realized that the things she wanted (children, etc) were things he had already done and wasn't interested in having. It wasn't a bad relationship for either of them, but I always thought it was freaky. He actually mentored her in many ways, and the successful career she has now is due in no small part to his influence on her life. BTW, she's remarried to someone closer to her in age, and they're happily ever after.

These things may not be as ruinous as they seem. But boy howdy, what a drama!

I wish you the best.

[ChavezSpeakstheTruth]

72. Seems ok to me - age isn't a problem if people are in love

[progressoid]

73. I know two couples that have had successful marriages

But both women were in their mid twenties when this happened. 18 seems a little worrisome.

One man married his housekeeper - about a 25 year gap - she was in her twenties when they married. They are still together 20 years later.

The other was a young nurse that married her boss - similar age differences - also still happily married after 20+ years.

BUT...Both men's families from his first marriage are essentially estranged from them now. I can't say it was from the strain of the new marriage or other issues however.

[Anarcho-Socialist]

75. Consenting adults can do whatever they want

If it started when one was a minor, then that's another matter.

[skygazer]

76. Well, it reminds me of a couple of things

One of them is my father marrying a girl of 26 when he was 50. Didn't work.

But the other is the story of Charles and Marcella Howard. They were the owners of the horse Seabiscuit. Charles was divorced from his first wife and he met Marcella who was his son's wife's sister (his daughter in law's sister, to clear that up). She was 27 years younger than he was. By all accounts they had a wonderful, loving, successful marriage which lasted until his death 18 years later.

Sometimes it works. Good luck.

[Lex]

77. My advice: Don't try to fight it . . . . it'll just cause more damage

in the long run.

Unless the 18 year old is in actual physical danger somehow, just let 'em be.

Prediction: It won't last, so just let it play itself out with as little fighting it as possible within the family.