Wife 1.0 is a bitch

[King Coal]

Dear Tech Support:
Last year I upgraded from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0. I soon noticed that the new program began unexpected child processing that took up a lot of space and valuable resources. In addition. Wife 1.0 installed itself into all other programs and now monitors all other system activity. Applications such as Poker Night 10.3, Football 5.0, Hunting and Fishing 7.5, and Racing 3.6.
I can't seem to keep Wife 1.0 in the background while attempting to run my favorite applications. I'm thinking about going back to Girlfriend 7.0, but the uninstall doesn't work on Wife 1.0. Please help!
Thanks,
A Troubled User.


REPLY:
Dear Troubled User:
This is a very common problem that men complain about.
Many people upgrade from Girlfriend 7.0 to Wife 1.0, thinking that it is just a Utilities and Entertainment program. Wife 1.0 is an OPERATING SYSTEM and is designed by its Creator to run EVERYTHING!!! It is also impossible to delete Wife 1.0 and to return to Girlfriend 7.0. It is
impossible to uninstall, or purge the program files from the system once installed.

You cannot go back to Girlfriend 7.0 because Wife 1.0 is designed to not allow this. Look in your Wife 1.0 manual under Warnings-Alimony-Child Support. I recommend that you keep Wife1.0 and work on improving the situation. I suggest installing the background application "Yes Dear" to alleviate software augmentation.

The best course of action is to enter the command C:\APOLOGIZE! because ultimately you will have to give the APOLOGIZE command before the system will return to normal anyway. Wife 1.0 is a great program, but it tends to be very high maintenance. Wife 1.0 comes with several support programs, such as Clean and Sweep 3.0, Cook It 1.5 and Do Bills 4.2.
However, be very careful how YOU use these programs. Improper use will cause the system to launch the program Nag Nag 9.5. Once this happens, the only way to improve the performance of Wife 1.0 is to purchase additional software. I recommend Flowers 2.1, Hugs 4.3 and Diamonds 5.0.
WARNING!!! DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Secretary With Short Skirt 3.3. This application is not supported by Wife 1.0 and will cause irreversible damage to the operating system.
Best of luck,
Tech Support

[TaleWgnDg]

1. Uummmmm . . . we were just *talking* about misogyny and gender

discrimination in another DU thread; and by beegeezuz if this doesn't fill the bill, NOTHING does !!

[unblock]

3. there's a comparable boyfriend/husband version floating about somewhere...

[Spinzonner]

12. Husband 1.0 never made it successfully through

the Quality Assurance (QA) Phase.

It was released as version 0.9 with known but irreparable bugs.

[WestHoustonDem]

2. Too funny! LOL

[jpgray]

4. Here we go (nt)

[Renew Deal]

16. lol, exactly

[CTLawGuy]

5. helmet..on

flamesuit...on

[dr.strangelove]

6. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME - ONLY AT 6 PM ON A FRIDAY

would this thread not already be flaming with attack replies. That is funny, but man you are going to get it.
Have at him ladies. Enjoy yourselves.

[jpgray]

8. If it was a Husband 1.0, no one would kick up a fuss

Double standards are what humanity is made of, and any group that suffers under them by virtue of their own humanity can't wait to break them out on someone else. So while making fun of men in this way is cool, with women it is different. Just like how men inexplicably get more for the same work. It's just the way we are. When women get the reins, I as a man will expect to be a second class citizen myself.

:D

[Bouncy Ball]

10. Actually

I would be bitching if it were a Husband 1.0, just as I wanted to bitch about this one (but didn't really see the point). I stopped watching "Everybody Loves Raymond" because it is YET another show in which the husband acts like and gets treated like a total buffoon (her favorite name for him is "idiot" and she doesn't laugh after she says it) and I am sick to death of men always being portrayed as bumbling idiots on TV. MY husband happens to be a smart, capable, caring, strong, wonderful man. I also don't want my daughter growing up thinking man-bashing is ok, because it's not. It's not any better than woman-bashing.

Signed,

A Humanist

[Midlodemocrat]

14. I agree totally.

...is there one network, or even cable TV show where the father is portrayed as anything besides a complete buffoon? If there is, I haven't seen it.

[Bouncy Ball]

17. I haven't etiher.

In the movies, the dad is either an abusive alcoholic asshole (hey, that's pretty good alliteration, eh?) or he's a completely ineffective idiot who messes up everything he touches and the audience just laughs and laughs at the verbal abuse and scorn his wife pours on him.

I don't get it, I really don't. Respect goes both ways.

[Midlodemocrat]

20. And it is not setting a good example for our sons

or daughters for that matter. People should treat each other with respect, and with the emphasis this country places on celebrity, I think it should start there. My own husband is a wonderful caring, successful, competent father and husband, so I don't know where they are getting their ammo.

[DS1]

21. The closest thing I can think of is The Discovery Channel

on the "TDC got hijacked by the Hell's Angels shows", notably Jesse James of Monster Garage fame.

Commercials are just as bad, like the Dominos pizza one that had all the men in a Sears-type store running for the hardware store after hearing a doorbell because they were trained that doorbells equate to pizza.

Oh well, I'm a dude, I don't have to deliver kids, I suppose it's fair in the long run ;-)

[jpgray]

23. Because we all know how funny good role models are

;-)

I think that if you are going to do an honest satire of some form of modern life, someone is going to have a reason to get offended as a result.

[Guaranteed]

9. Well, the women didn't seem to have a problem with the

"My husband is an ass" joke- what's wrong with this?

[Midlodemocrat]

15. Personally,

...I am not a big fan of those either.

[lateo]

7. This was true for me...

I wiped the hard drive clean and installed wife 2.0....much more stable and reliable.

[Hillaryin08]

11. I just gave whole system to his sales rep

she can download him and I am pleasantly shopping for a newer model as we speak. I find being wife 1.0 and even 2.0 a pain to try to maintain so I quit and now I am nobody's harddrive. I stroke my own keys and keep up with my own maintenance.

[sundog]

13. Kinda late in the day for a flame war, but good luck

:shrug:

[Renew Deal]

18. It's never too late for a flame war.

Believe me :nuke:

[Renew Deal]

19. No matter what they say about you

At least they didn't say you were in the Klan. :crazy:

[Taverner]

22. Funny, but dude

You are asking for it...

Boot 2.5 might end up in Ass 3.1.1 if you don't watch out :)

[King Coal]

25. Now that's funny.

[6th Borough]

24. Hilarious!

That's all I have to say.
/geek who appreciates such humor

[Megahurtz]

26. even though I'm female....

I find this fucking hilarious!