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He's been heard singing "Hey Jude" late at night and has apparently been slipping some Wild Turkey into the eggnog, resulting in two to three unfortunate incidents involving the elves, who have neither the body weight nor the tolerance of Santa. (Ling-Ling the Elf thankfully HAS made a nice recovery from the catapulting......incident.)
Mrs. Claus has become so concerned, she recently suggested an anti-depressant, but Santa began yelling "BIG PHARMA!!! CORPORATE PIGS!!!" which is highly uncharacteristic of him.
He's taken all toy guns, even Nerf guns, off the toy list, muttering that he "didn't want any new little NRA members."
He recently gave a speech to the elves about global warming and how they will have to cut back their operations due to the decreased mass of the polar ice cap. Santa hasn't laid off an elf since he started up operations over 500 years ago, so this has come as quite a shock. He broke down, drunk on hootch, and angrily cursing.
Of course, all the elves and Mrs. Claus know what's going on. You see, Santa voted for Kerry. So did they. It's not that they're Democrats, or even Republicans. But every year, Santa, Mrs. Claus and the elves use their special magic and they look into the hearts of the candidates. What they find there determines their decision, so it's a much easier and faster process for them than for most people.
It was apparently even easier and faster this year, as when they went to look into bush's heart, they found that it was missing and all they saw was darkness.
Now Santa's too good and kind to punish the children of bush voters, lest you should think so. But he has decided, in a rare move never before done, that all children of Kerry voters will receive one extra- fat peppermint stick in addition to their other toys.
And the White House will not be visited at all.
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