How do you deal with holiday depression?

[flamingyouth]

I won't rehash the past year for all of you who already know the sordid tale. I've actually been doing pretty well, but over the past few days I really feel like I've had a setback emotionally.

Saturday night I came home from work and some of my Christmas lights didn't come on. I briefly thought, "I'll have my husband fix them..." but oh wait, he died in June. That set me off on a weird emotional jag all night. Then yesterday I was doing some shopping and went into the men's department of J. Crew. I was actually looking for a sweater for him before I realized (yet again) that he had died six months ago.

I'm not looking for sympathy here. I'm just sort of at the end of my rope about how to deal with these feelings when they arise. We didn't have a great relationship by any means, and we were getting a divorce at the time of his suicide, but it's still hard to face the holidays with one less person at the table. What's worse (for me) is that I have an amazing relationship with someone right now, so I also feel guilty that I'm feeling like this. Thanks for reading this - sorry for the rambling. I'm going out now to run some errands and I thank you in advance for any advice. :hi:

[Beware the Beast Man]

1. I really don't know what to say

So here's a :hug: instead.

[XNASA]

2. I watched 'Elf' last night.

And that made me feel a lot better.

I'm still not getting anyone anything, but at least I'm not depressed anymore. :-)

[commander bunnypants]

3. how about a big ole hug

and the cats hug you too.

CB

[OldLeftieLawyer]

4. No advice

Just that I know from experience, my own and those close to me, that if you just keep talking it out - I don't think that posting here is quite the same thing - you'll eventually get to take the whole thing apart and put it back together in a way that will make it easier for you to go on.

But, understand that you'll go on in a whole different way, because life's been irrevocably changed for you, and that's something to which you'll adjust, because that's how humans are. We adjust, we reshuffle our decks, we go on.

Just keep talking, and good luck.

[medeak]

9. sage advice

very well put

[flamingyouth]

23. This is great advice for anyone

Many people on DU have suffered horrible tragedies this year, and this post would be helpful for all of us.:hug:

[wtmusic]

5. Pills, pills, pills

It's reasonable to expect this is going to be a rough one, although many people (myself included) tend to get depressed every year. See a shrink and get some good antidepressants going.

[Droopy]

6. It sounds like you could use some counseling

There are probably also some support groups in your area, especially if you live in a city. I say look up a psychologist. It sounds like you may need some help getting through this.

[flamingyouth]

24. I have a great grief counselor

I've shied away from the survivors of suicide groups, for some reason. It doesn't feel like a good fit for me. I think I'm more comfortable one-on-one, or writing my feelings out anonymously like this on the Internet. Thank you. :hug:

[sam sarrha]

7. I became a Buddhist. I dont give anyone anything..except my wife..

and that was a new neck pillow i saw that i knew would help relieve her pain.

i have always thought trying to placate vengeful, cruel and heartless gods a waste of time.

actually the fact that in the bible it says "I am a Vengeful God", that actually Identified him as an Assura. a demi-god.

actually the Assura's are nothing but trouble makers.. they start wars and create suffering at will as a defination of their existance

[Mojambo]

8. Frankly, it's a nice change of pace from my regular depression. n/t

[tigereye]

12. FY I think it is not surprising that you feel this way

You had a rough year. I think we always miss people more around the holidays, even if relationships weren't perfect. Do nice things for yourself and talk to someone if you need to. Don't feel guilty about having a good relationship, you deserve it.

:grouphug:

as far as the holiday blues go, I try to have realistic expectations and a good cry to either It's A Wonderful Life or some other holiday tearjerker. I always feel better afterwards. But that's just me.

[the Princess]

10. Sleep - as much as possible

[Skittles]

11. I help other people

like adopt seniors and kids for Christmas - it's the only time I enjoy shopping. Then on Christmas day I imagine them opening the presents and hope they will like them.

DO NOT FEEL GUILTY ABOUT YOUR NEW RELATIONSHIP. Lord knows I have suffered much pain in my life but if we sat around trying to figure out why things happen, we would all go MAD. It sounds like a cliche but life goes on - our departed loved ones would WANT US TO BE HAPPY. They WOULD.

[Cerridwen]

13. I don't have advice to give but a couple of stories to share

along with my sympathy and a slight (very slight) understanding of what you're going through.

I lost my dad - Feb '89, my grandfather - Nov '90, and my grandmother - Mar - '95.

There are still times when I'll be in my grandparent's side of town and I'll think, "I should stop by and say "hi" to grandma and grandpa."

There are still times when I'll have a question or comment about sports (my dad was a sports fanatic) and think "I should call dad and see what he has to say."

I still see things in the stores when I'm shopping (not just the holidays) and I'll think, "Gee, dad would like that" or "Grandma would really get a kick out of that."

I think people in our lives are "hard-wired" into our brain (or someplace) and we fall into the habit of thinking of them and things remind us of them.

The sadness does eventually dim (it's not completely gone, in my case) but at only 6 months...

I wish you lots of happiness and joy as you're able to find it this holiday season. And much love and healing as the days and months go past.

:hug: :hug:

[amazona]

14. you want a good laugh?

I don't know how to help major depression, I find it hard to help people I know who have it, much as I would like to. HOWEVER...if you are just a little blue one evening and want to see something totally hilarious...then my parrot and I got a real kick out of "Bad Santa" with Billy Bob Thornton. It sounds stupid but it's really funny and not sick-making like most Christmas stories with the cute kids (the kid is ugly) and all the other sentimental crap that just is sooo disgusting and unreal.

You know if the parrot laughs it's crude funny humor. Birds are not subtle.

The first Christmas after losing someone is the worst. My heart goes out to you. But try to make time to laugh if you can.

[WCGreen]

15. I know this sounds corny

But watch it's a wonderful life, sit down and cry for your loss and call some old friends and remember the good times you and your husband had together,,,,,,,

[Metatron]

16. It sounds like you are experiencing normal stages of grief, flamingyouth

Your emotions sound very normal for the first major holiday/significant anniversary after the death of a loved one. Sorry I don't have any actual advice. I do think everyone can benefit from talking to a professional once in a while, if you would be comfortable with that. Please take care.
:hug:

[Midlodemocrat]

17. Having lost three dear family members this year

including my dad, I think I can say that I relate. I lost my mom, sister in law two years ago, and then this year, well. The first year is the hardest, by far. You have to go through every holiday for a year and then surprisingly the next year is a little bit easier. Not a whole lot, but a little. Good luck and God bless.

[Hell Hath No Fury]

18. I think that...

recognizing what you are going through is perfectly normal and that there is nothing to feel guilty/bad/ashamed about is the biggest thing you can do for yourself.

Whatever your relationship with your husband at his death was, he had been your husband and you had an emotional history/connection with him.

What you are experiencing is very common -- this type of "setback" around a loved one who has passed tends to happen around anniversaries (wedding/death), holidays, & birthdays that you shared with them.

Don't be afraid of these feelings and don't try to stuff them away. When my Grandma died, I never really grieved for her properly and had ten years of very painful emotional "setbacks" because of it. Finally, with the help of a good therapist, I learned how to grieve and how to finally let go of the tears. Now, during the holidays I would have spent with her I can think about her and still miss her, but not be in pain.

It does get better with time and continued healing.

[newsguyatl]

19. one word

effexor

[Taverner]

20. I wish I could help you...all I can do is send hugs

And glad you;ve found an amazing relationship :)

[Missy Vixen]

21. Extreme self care

flamingyouth, I know that you practice self-care. Now is the time for extreme self care. The holidays are rough for anyone who remembers happier times and people who aren't here anymore. The only way to get through it is to be kind to yourself.

The tears will come. Let them. I know that you'll also remember things that make you laugh.

I'm thrilled that you have a great relationship. I'm hoping that this will help, too. :hug:

Love from your fellow mod,
Julie

[flamingyouth]

22. Thank you so much to everyone who responded

Wow, this was really nice to read.

Part of my problem is that I hate working in retail (I've been doing this for 20 years, and hopefully this year is my last). So many of my customers come in complaining that they have to buy this or that for some family member or in-law whom they despise. I decided the other day that I'm going to practice on my sincerity and say, "You know, I'm sure Jesus wouldn't mind," when the next person tells me s/he doesn't want to buy creepy Uncle Francis a gift. :D

Despite everything that happened this year, I feel incredibly blessed. I swear, if I never received another holiday card or present, just the fact that I have friends out there means everything in the world to me. So, again, thank you all. :loveya:

[Magrittes Pipe]

25. Stay up all night talking to your man with the phone in bed with you.

Personally, I just drink. But keeping the people you love nearby is a close second. ;)

[flamingyouth]

26. At least he's coming here on Dec. 29

If I can only make it until then, I'll be fine. ;)

[DS1]

27. I'm a Secret Santa

meaning, I ride mass transit and masturbate on the sly in my Santa Suit :7

[flamingyouth]

29. Cool!

I'll have to try that! Look out passengers of the #43 bus! :7

[Champ]

28. Ah the holiday season basically starting Thanksgiving

Including my birthday(11/29(* Have not been well for me, how should I deal with feeling down during the holidays. :shrug:

[hippiechick]

30. I try to avoid the holidays

No decorations, no tree, no holiday social functions.
Just another day/week/month.

Otherwise I don't think I could handle it.


:hippie:

[hyphenate]

31. I know exactly how you feel

Last year was a bad year for me. Last holiday season I was so damned depressed, and was on Prozac which did diddly for me. This year it's a new anti-depressant, but still not up to par.

Last year, I was in the "anger" phase of grief. I was just so mad at the whole world, and nothing was going right at all. I was broke, lost one of my best friends to an early death, lost two of my "kids" (the four legged ones) and was cold and in pain.

In the last few months this year, I've moved out of the angry stage and into the despair and acceptance phases. It still hurts, and it's still weighing heavily on my mind, but there are now twinges and realizations that things are different--not necessarily better or worse, just different.

I still "talk" to my friend. While I profess to be an agnostic, I still believe in some form of afterlife. So I talk with them, and feel better about it. Perhaps that might also help you, because it is, for me a panacea that not everything is for the worst.

The holidays are rough for a lot of us, and I know we're not alone in that feeling. My friend Steve lost his mom a month before Christmas in 2002. I lost my dad a month after Christmas, and Christmas was the last time I saw him alive. More people I know than not have had to deal with death, sickness, financial loss, or some other minor or major catastrophe during the months of November through January.

There is nothing to feel guilty about finding someone new in your life. We all want to have someone we can confide in, someone who is there for us, and someone who understands. We so rarely get that, so it's of prime importance to hang on to what you have while you have it.

Good luck in your new relationship, and as time goes by, you will heal emotionally. Just don't expect it to be overnight, and don't expect to do it before or during the holidays. Instead, give yourself the room to avoid doing too much during this year's celebration, and don't expect to gain a new perspective at this time. Turn the holidays into a time for introspection and reflection. Eventually, time does make things better.