The Onion: Wal-Mart Announces Massive Rollback on Employee Wages

[VolcanoJen]

Heh! :D



http://theonion.com/news/index.php?issue=4049

BENTONVILLE, AR—Wal-Mart, the world's largest discount retailer, announced its biggest-ever rollback Monday, with employee pay cuts of up to 35 percent.

"Just in time for the holiday shopping season, we're rolling back the hourly wages of workers in every department—housewares, automotive, health and beauty, and so many more!" Wal-Mart president and CEO H. Lee Scott Jr. announced at a press conference. "From Baton Rouge to Boise, we're continuing our tradition of low, low prices and using our muscle to create unbelievable savings!"

"For us!" Scott added.

Scott then turned to a large projection screen on which the company's trademark yellow happy face whizzed through the aisles of a Wal-Mart, enthusiastically "slashing" the hourly wages of employees all over the store.

"Paying $7.75 an hour for a Class-2 cashier with fewer than two years' experience?" a cheery narrator asked in amused disbelief. "How about $6.50? And $8.45 an hour for a dockworker to unload boxes of bath towels all day? We think $6.75 sounds more like it!"

[FeelinGarfunkelly]

1. this is about the funniest headline Onion's had in a while

but it's scary if Onion stories are actually what's happening.

[JuniorPlankton]

2. Onion is facing stiff competition

from the administration
They are both dealing in ridiculous and outrageous.

[VolcanoJen]

5. I was thinking the same thing.

As if, I were reading about the past four years in a history book, 30 years from now, I'd probably find the whole thing oddly hilarious.

And I'd probably be ashamed of myself for thinking that way...

[napi21]

3. I hope this finally does them in! I haven't shopped there in 2 yrs

but my husband occasionally stops there to buy bird food, or some small thing that is very cheap.

I quit going in their doors when I found out about them forcing employees to work off the clock to finish a job, and locking the doors at night and not letting minors leave until they were done with a particulart task. I've sporead this word to everyone who would stop long enough to listen to me, and will continue to do so.

I thought it was great news that WM had bad sales #'s on Black Friday! They were blaming it on not doing their famous "real deals", but I think it just might be that a lot of people prefer not to shop there!!!! Lets hope!

[VOX]

4. Ha! Leave it to The Onion to nail it again.

In its own skewed way, The Onion is a very consistent and reliable news source! :)

[blue neen]

6. Some of the writers from The Daily Show

used to write for The Onion. No wonder they are my two favorite news sources. It's interesting that "satire" is reporting more realistic news than the MSM!