How soon after being dumped should you date again?

[Phillycat]

I got dumped a couple of weeks ago, and my friends have divided (lovingly) into two schools of thought.

School of thought #1: You should stay alone for a while, work on yourself, heal from this and be totally ready to move on before you date someone else. You will be preparing yourself to be really ready for a good relationship down the road.

School of thought #2: You should get back on the horse. (So to speak. Heh.) If you get out and at least have a nice time with a nice guy, you will bring positivity and energy back into your life. You will feel attractive again and you won't mope. Wallowing in self-pity isn't healthy.

So, now I've met a new guy, and we had a non-date last night that was very nice, and I know when I see him tonight at a mutual event, he's going to ask me on a proper date.

What do you think, DUers?

[StopTheMorans]

1. 100%dependent upon how long you were with the person, and how

intense the relationship was. that being said, i think you should get back out there as soon as you possibly can (assuming that you feel at least somewhat comfortable with it); there's no reason to sit around pining away. hate to drop the cleche, but life is too short :D

[Phillycat]

6. 8 months, pretty intense, but it was bad for a while.

I feel pretty ready to get out there, but I don't want to do something stupid.

[StopTheMorans]

11. if it was bad for awhile, then i'd think it would be better to get back

out there as long as you didn't bring any "baggage" with you into a new situation (by that, i mean you wouldn't want to get yourself into a bad situation because you were being reactionary towards something in your former relationship). as long as you take it slowly at first and try not to become too serious (i'm just speaking in terms of emotional attachment, nothing else) i think it's good to get back out there. only my opinion, with that and 5 bucks, you can buy yourself a beer in Boston :D

[ET Awful]

2. I say ignore both schools of thought and go with your instincts.

Not your desires, your instincts. Listen to that little voice. :)

[Deja Q]

3. We only live once. Get out there and boink for humanity!

:D

[BeHereNow]

43. Amen...

Everyone should have at least
one good "friend" in their life.
Someone who can be discreet and
doesn't want anything from you...
Always have a special "friend" in your life,
it helps you get over missing the "_ex."
:evilgrin:
BHN

[Phillycat]

47. I would imagine it's easier for me, a woman, to find a friend like that.

:evilgrin:

[BeHereNow]

48. Yes, as a woman it is usually easy

and a hard man is a good thing to find.

:evilgrin:

[justinsb]

4. Both...

You need time to reflect on what went wrong but also don't want to isolate yourself and wallow in self pity, spend time with friends and go on dates but avoid anything serious until you are really ready for it. I find though that the best things happen when you're not trying, not looking, etc.

[Aiptasia]

5. with caution, get back out there

Realize that rebound relationships usually suck. It's a double edged sword, damned if you do and damned if you don't. There's usually a lot of baggage from the previous relationship to contend with.

But if this guy is worth dating, go ahead. Just realize it may not go as planned. Caveat Emptor and all that.

[sir_captain]

7. Depends on if you're ready

if you go out with guy #2 just to feel better about yourself and not because you actively like him, I'm not sure you're being totally fair to him.

[underpants]

8. "work on yourself"? Why would someone assume something is wrong with them?

Screw that just because it didn't work out doesn't mean there is anything wrong with YOU it just didn't work out. Happens everyday.

[Phillycat]

32. Fuckin' A!

Right on! Thanks UP!

[sadinred]

9. I think go with your heart and see what the world brings to you.

I met my husband about 6 months after his first wife (of 20 years) died. It was rough (!!) especially with his kids, but it was well worth the rocky parts. Everyone told us we were CRAZY and he should WAIT and I should WAIT. My point: Don't follow the head too much, don't walk right by a good thing that life might drop right in front of you.
Point two: Just when you think you're happy being "alone" a great person comes along. ALways happens that way!:+

[Richardo]

10. As my wise dad once said: "Take her out. It's not a double-ring ceremony."

I say date. After all, it's only a date and it's better than sitting at home.

[Phillycat]

17. Hee! I agree. :)

[eyesroll]

12. Whenever you're ready.

OK, I'll elaborate.

If, by "date," you mean "get out of the house for an activity with an available member of your preferred gender," I'd say go for it. There's nothing wrong with hanging out with someone, even if you're not totally over your ex ... and if your evening ends at 9 a.m. the next morning, well...bonus.

If, by "date," you're immediately thinking "audition him for his role as future spouse and father of my children," then it's probably too soon.

[Phillycat]

Score!! My meaning of date is the first one.

That's exactly the sort of thing I had in mind. Thanks. :)

[Champ]

13. I'm no expert

But if you feel sparks fly between you and a potential mate whether that is 1 hour from now or a few months from now I say follow through with it.

[gollygee]

14. I met my husband on the rebound

so I don't buy these rules about not dating after ending a long relationship. I think you should do whatever feels right to you :)

[havocmom]

15. One size does not fit all. (n/t)

[Worst Username Ever]

16. Be careful if you "just get back out there."

Many a woman and man (myself included) has jut "gone back out there," and then ended up making some pretty serious mistakes. The emotions that you are used to sharing get out of hand and you end up sleeping with the first person you meet, thinking they are someone you could be serious with, since it was so easy the last time, and the whoops, they are an idiot and now you have slept with an idiot.

[Phillycat]

19. I don't plan on having the sex for a while, at least.

I wouldn't say a LONG while :) because I like sex and I'm really resentful that I'm being deprived of it because some asshole dumped me. But I don't plan on jumping into the sack with someone right away, either. I also don't plan on sharing any serious emotions right away either. Probably not for a LONG while.

Thanks for the advice. Sounds like you speak from sad experience. I hope your dating life got better after that. :hug:

[Worst Username Ever]

21. No one plans on it...

it just sort a happens! But be your own independent person and do what fits ya...

and yes, dating life got better, I asked her to marry me two weeks ago and she said yes.

[Phillycat]

22. Hey, congratulations!

All the best to you and your fiancee!

[Worst Username Ever]

23. Thanks darlin!

[rbnyc]

18. If you go after 1, you'll get 2...

...and if you go after 2, you'll get 1.

I say try to stay alone. If you are able to do it, it's good for you, and if someone finds you, it's likely to be a great someone, because the best people come along when you're not looking, so you win either way.

[vpigrad]

20. 1 month alone for each 3 months together

Is a number my wife, a long-time marriage counselor, suggests, and from what I've seen, it's a good suggestion. Every time I've seen someone "get back on the horse" (to use your words) too quickly, it's caused problems. I think that since you feel the need to ask, you already know that you shouldn't.

[SCDem]

27. That's rediculous

So if someone were married for 30 years and broke up they should not date for another 10 years?

I go with a previous poster in that is different for different people.

[liontamer]

29. That's fine for short term relationships,

but if she'd been dating someone(or married) for years that formula would need to taper off logarithmically

[SarahB]

33. I'm going through a divorce with someone after 14 years together.

I can see waiting 4 or 5 years to consider marriage again (even 2 or 3 to live with someone), but to date at all?
I've been functionally single for awhile now and sorry, but I'm still a young woman and I have needs. :shrug:
I think the key is staying conscious of who you are and logically what you need. If those involved are communicative and aware of the pitfalls that helps a lot.

Edit:
I was the dumper and not the dumpee, so I don't know if that makes a difference. I guess I had more time to process the ending of the relationship before it actually happened.

[vpigrad]

45. After 14 years...

don't you think you need a lot of time without being with someone else? It's just that my wife and I have seen people make that mistake over and over again. Don't let emotion cloud your decisions by jumping right into something only a year or so after the ending of your marriage.

>I was the dumper and not the dumpee, so I don't know if that makes a difference.

I think it makes a big difference. My wife isn't availble to ask, but I think she'd cut the time apart in half in that case. When I said the 1 in 3, I was assuming the poster was the one dumped from the sound of the post.

[SarahB]

51. I do.

In answer to your question, "don't you think you need a lot of time without being with someone else?"

Not every relationship is a standard one that involves frequent togetherness or close proximity on a regular basis. I know a need a large degree of space (as does he in a similar circumstance), but sometimes people have an extremely high level of communication, self-awareness, and understanding.

I've spent long enough letting fear dictate my choices. I've spent long enough thinking all my feelings could continually be rationalized or suppressed. My entire adult life has been marked by self-control and logic. This isn't an impetuous situation. We've been friends for a quite awhile at this point. I appreciate your thoughts though.

[GOPisEvil]

24. Only you know the answer to that.

:-)

However, until you figure you're ready, partake in scchool of thought #1.

School of thought #2 is false ego. School of thought #1 will allow you to have a more honest self-image, which will project nicely to future potential mates.

[redqueen]

25. You sound like you're doing OK

I say go.

If you were still a mess, I'd say don't.

[Cadence]

26. We're supposed to date again after being dumped?!!?

I didn't get the memo. ;(

[Renew Deal]

28. I would like to say wait

But sometimes things happen.

[jobycom]

30. Get a date by the evening he dumps you, with his best friend.

Seriously, the longer you wait trying to rebuild yourself and make sure you are ready and all of that, the more you are going to start blaming yourself, thinking you need some major overhaul to be good enough for the next one. Don't change, just find the guy who doesn't want you to change. The sooner you start looking, the better chance you won't be completely screwed up when you find him.

I mean, yes, you need some time to get a grip, and if you really don't want a boyfriend yet there's no reason you should find one--being alone is under-rated-- but from the tone of your letter you seem to want to start going out. Don't wait just because you feel you should.

[Phillycat]

31. Wow, you are very perceptive.

You've got me pegged. :) Thanks very much for the advice, it's good for me to hear.

[212demop]

34. As soon as you feel ready to- no period of mourning bullshit

However, go for it if you like the guy, not because you can't deal/ or feel too fragile on your own

[JimmyJazz]

35. I think you know what you need to do. No one says

you have to run out and immediately fall in love. But, you certainly shouldn't have to sit at home and go through some stupid mourning period over someone who left you. Jeez - go out and have a good time. Just don't go to Elkton or anything and you'll be fine. :7

[Phillycat]

37. Elkton! HAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

For those of you not in the know, Elkton, Maryland is the closest place to go have a "quickie" marriage ceremony to where I live. :)

[liontamer]

36. Do whatever you feel like doing

you'll probably have some regrets either way. Trust your gut for a change

[Lisa0825]

38. my former shrink told me that on average,

to heal after a breakup, it takes about 2 months for each year you were together. So, since you were together 8 months, that's not long anyway. I say if you feel like dating, DATE!

I don't believe in rebounds. I know people who married their so-called rebounds. I think rebound is just a convenient way to dismiss someone who didn't work out. So, if you like this guy, and you want to see him again, then go for it!

[Phillycat]

39. Any more votes?

[regularguy]

40. You should at least wait until you've left his apartment.

.

[Phillycat]

42. HAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!!

Why? He dumped me and left me a crying puddle of crap in his kitchen...if there had been another guy out his back door, why not? ;-) Kidding.

[regularguy]

44. I was was vaguely remembering the Wilt Chamberlain skit

on SNL. "Well, I haven't got over my last love, who actually is still in the bathroom", or something like that. :)

[Left Is Write]

41. It depends on your personality and how invested

you were in the previous relationship, but my personal view is somewhere in the middle of #1 and #2.

I think it's a mistake to jump right back into a relationship, but I also think it's a mistake to grieve and wallow too long. I think some deep wallowing for a day or few to get it out of one's system is good, then it might be time to get back out there on a casual basis. Date if and when you want, and don't get exclusive with any one person for a while.

[Phillycat]

46. Thanks.

I think that's basically the mindset I'm in after reading this thread. DUers are so smart!

[MISSDem]

49. Definitely, wait a year. As Dr. Joy brown says "I don't

allow you to date for one year after a relationship ends. You are not available for a relationship before that time."

[Phillycat]

50. A year? A YEAR??!

Really?!? We were only together for 8 months. Are you sure?

[Ravenseye]

52. My Old Rule: 1 Month wait for every 1 Year in a relationship.

If you date someone for 2 years, you shouldn't even think about going on a date or to a 'nightspot' for 2 months. Minimum.

If you dated someone for less than a year, then you shouldn't need to wait at all.

After that time has elapsed you're generally fine.

[Misunderestimator]

53. Go for it... I've never thought much about waiting... sometimes it takes

a while to meet someone worth dating again, and sometimes it's right there in your face and worth jumping right in. If you've met someone and you like him, go out with him.

[truthbetold]

54. You can call me a ho...

But I dumped my horrible boyfriend Wednesday and got a new one on Friday. LOL