I need help from qualified DU Relationship Counselors

[Pale Blue Dot]

Here's the situation in a nutshell: When K. and I were teenagers, we declared our love for each other. She said her heart belonged to me, and that she would never love anyone else. However, she lived very far away, plus the relationship was very complicated, and I was scared of being alone, so after some time, I moved on to other women, eventually getting married and having a son.

From time to time, I would see K., and I would always use her as a shoulder to cry on. I would talk about the troubles in my relationships, or, later, how bad my marriage was. Later, I would congratulate myself for having the willpower not to make a pass at her.

What a fucking jerk I was.

Several months ago, my marriage ended. I went on a few first dates, some with women that I had convinced myself were "the one", only to feel nothing once we were actually out together. Nothing.

Recently, I had a chance to see K. again. The instant she walked into the room, my heart just broke. It broke because I realized that she has been "the one" all along, and I had let my selfishness and my fear get the best of me. I had everything I needed at one time, and I let it go because it was "too hard". I have spent the rest of my life looking for a closer, less complicated version of her. It even struck me recently how much my ex-wife looked like her.

So here's the situation: she kept her part of the bargain; she is still single now (although she has had a few long-term relationships), and I realize, finally, that I am truly in love with her. She still lives far away, and she has a successful career, and I have a son to take care of, plus all of the old complications are still there. So it would not be an easy, "safe" relationship. I don't care. I realize now that I could have a girlfriend tomorrow if I wanted. I want her.

I have to convince her that she can trust me with her heart again. But how do I do that? I will completely admit that I have been a total shit to her. Can I make it up? I am willing to wait months or years if need be.

My plan right now is this: I am hand-writing her a letter once a week. Every once in a while I will mix in a phone call, but I want to be very careful, because I don't want to ask anything at all of her right now. I just want to be a continuous presence in her life. I want to be there if she needs me, and not demand her if I need her. In May, if she has shown any interest at all, I will fly out to visit her, and perhaps confess everything. If she has not shown any interest, I will continue writing weekly until she does.

I want to show her that I can and will be there in her life, even in the most trying of circumstances. In the meantime, I am not going on any other dates. What's the point? I know what I want.

What else can I do to convince her that I've grown and changed? Time is no object. I am willing to wait forever, this time.

Thanks in advance.

[The Straight Story]

1. Just forward her the link to this thread (nt)

[enigmatic]

3. Yep!

I agree.

[RagingInMiami]

4. you took the words right out of my mouth

[faithnotgreed]

8. i was in a similar-ish situation but since im not a qualified counselor

i probably shouldnt share it just kidding

it took time, energy, consistency, love and much patience. but since you feel she is it, you are right on by expressing it as you have here.

from reading your post, i dont know if you have talked directly with her about how you feel recently. and i dont know how it is you see her once in awhile though she lives far away.

but definitely go slow and steady. i dont know anything except what youve shared here but if she feels at all the same way, it has to be talked through realistically and with no pressure from you. but if she has any of the same feelings then the serenading and proving of your love and patience and commitment will do amazing things if given time and space.

you havent been divorced long so i hope for your sake you do this however feels right and solid to you. esp because there is a child involved. but of course that is a prime concern to you.

best wishes. you are in for some important times no matter how it goes. if nothing else you will be able to forge a positive relationship and rebuild trust with someone you care for very deeply and also will, i suspect, show something to yourself along the way

on edit: i meant this for you finnfan - of course

[Pale Blue Dot]

12. And how did it turn out?

[faithnotgreed]

18. oh of course! it worked out amazingly

i was high on love no doubt.

i dont mean to imply that the chase was important because it wasnt that. but the opportunity to redo and undo the past was beautiful. its like you get to relive part of your life over except this time youre a grownup and know so much more about how it should be. and how badly you want it

again i dont know your situation at all, but if its anything like what i went through, if you can show her that youll wait - not just say it - it will make a big difference.

ill also share this important piece: by showing her you see what you did wrong and how you wronged her (taking responsibility) and by showing her that you are NOT that same person as you were, will be critical. she has to feel that she is being seen and heard and respected and that there arent expectations except for a great friendship.
certainly at some point you want her to know your real feelings but you "cant" be giving her this kind of attention only to have a relationship.

if youve hurt her as bad as you say, then she should know that you care mostly about her and her feelings, not the goal of getting her back.

then youll know at what point you can approach how else you feel but initially just go slowly but consistently.

hope that wasnt too much advice! but it brought that back for me and i know thats what worked for me

[Pale Blue Dot]

20. Thank you. This is exactly what I've been thinking.

I can't, for instance, show her this thread right now, because then it becomes all about me, and what my needs are. I have to make her understand that I want to give her what she needs.

Thanks for the story. I'm glad everything worked out. :thumbsup:

[faithnotgreed]

22. thanks. your instinct here is right on so good luck! nt

[Tandalayo_Scheisskopf]

2. Slowly, bubba. Slowly.

Take it slowly. Don't muck anything up and don't break your own heart.

If she is still in your area, why not go out to a nice dinner with her? Like New Hope?

[Pale Blue Dot]

6. She's not in the area. She lives in North Carolina.

But I still need to buy you a drink sometime. Maybe after the Holidays? :hi:

[Tandalayo_Scheisskopf]

25. Sure!

Something non-alcoholic, remember!

[Maple]

5. Yes, it would convince me

and I don't even know you!

[Kenneth ken]

7. one question

do you know if she still wants you, or is at all open to the idea?

If yes, then do whatever it takes in terms of patience or effort, to whatever extent possible.

If no, you will simply be wasting your time.

disclaimer: I had a chance for "the one" once; I messed it up and she was hurt. Because she was someone I worked with, I continued to see her in that setting regularly. I let her dump all her hurt and anger on me, and took it as deserved punishment, trusting that after she got it all out she would see that my love was stronger than her anger. But after she got all her anger and hurt out, the only feeling she had left for me was indifference. So I had to walk away.

I wish you all the best!

[Pale Blue Dot]

9. I'm not sure.

She was very flirtatious when I saw her, but that is partly her personality. The only "sign" I got was on the 2nd day I saw her, she was wearing a hat. I mentioned who much I loved women in hats, and then, later on that day, she went to a store and bought a new hat.

That little act is what I will cling to, for now.

[Kenneth ken]

16. so start

by asking her straight out if she is open to the idea.

Given the logistics, it isn't as though you're going to be immediately diving into a relationship with her anyway. But, like others have suggested, send her your original post, and ask her for a response to it.

You're at a fork in the road of your life. Before you can make a good choice, you have to have some idea of whether the path that *may* lead to her, actually may, or if it's just an illusion.

[Lydia Leftcoast]

10. If it's inspiration you need, consider my mother and her old flame

They broke up in about 1947, mainly because Old Flame's family objected to their getting married. In 1949, my mother and father got married. Old Flame married someone else in the mid 1950s.

I remember once when we were all out shopping, we ran into Old Flame and his wife, and as we walked away after exchanging some polite chitchat, my mother muttered,"Why did he have to go marry her?"

My father died in 1988, and Old Flame's wife died around 1990 or so.

Late in 1991, they got back in touch (their accounts vary). My mother was living in Oregon at the time but was planning to move back to Minnesota, and the two of hem spent hours on the phone every day. My brothers cautioned her, "If you're interested in getting together with him, don't play hard to get. He's really sticking his neck out."

When she returned to Minnesota to look for a house, they saw each other a few times. Noe of the houses my mother looked at seemed quite right, and after about three days of fruitless searching, she met Old Flame for dinner. When she told him about her housing problems, he said, "Why do you need to buy a house? We could get married, and you could move in with me."

So that evening, the phone rang in my apartment in Oregon, and I picked it up to hear my mother shouting, "I'm getting married!" She was 71 at the time.

Old Flame came out to Oregon to help her move, and the two of them held hands and giggled like two teenagers. It was bizarre, but really delightful, because Mom had had a rough couple of years.

Two months later, they had a big wedding.

I guess the message here is that feelings can hold up for a long time, even 45 years. If you're sure of your feelings and you get encouraging vibes from her, go for it. Is there any mutual friend who could find out how she feels about you?

(By the way, as I recall, you haven't been divorced for very long, and yet you had convinced yourself that several women were "the one." That's called being on the rebound. But the feelings for the woman out of your past sound more genuine.)

[Pale Blue Dot]

17. You're right, Lydia

I was "on the rebound". And part of the reason why I don't want to come out and admit everything to her yet is becuase I have to prove to myself that I will not hurt her again.

Great story, though. Thanks! :hi:

[Kenneth ken]

19. that's a nice story

reminds me of Love In The Time Of Cholera - Gabriel Garcia Marquez. Terrific book.

:hi:

[autorank]

11. What are you waiting for?

The best thing you can do is see her in person and tell her your story. That is the beginning. You also need to hear her story. There may be reasons other than her promise of exclusiveness to you that determined her current relationship status. After you do that, you have a chance for a real relationship with her. This is not meant as a criticism in any way whatsoever but it's important: you never really had a chance at your marriage nor did your ex-wife because you held on to this former relationship, idealizing it to the point that few, if any, lover(s) could compete. That's either a statement or a question, you decide which is correct. It is important for you to clear this up before going on to another relationship, either with "K" or someone else.

As far as convincing her goes, how do you really know you want to convince her? You know what the two of you had but not what is real right not (hence my suggestion that you see her and talk honestly about your lives to date). The convincing part should follow a reunion and a mutual understanding.

As far as the difficulty associated with the distance, one final thought. Divorce is hard in children (don't know the ages of your son). You didn't intend it as such, but the kids almost always see divorce as a form of abandonment by the non custodial parent. The last thing you want to do is high tail it for an hypothesized ideal relationship before you know (a) if it's real and (b) how you will manage the relationship with your first obligation, your son.

Good luck!

[Pale Blue Dot]

14. I will not be moving, becuase of my son.

That's part of the point. Neither will she, because of her career. So this relationship will remain difficult for the forseeable future. I have to prove to her that I can handle that.

[Baclava]

13. As I mature...

I've learned that you cannot make someone love you. All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

I've learned that no matter how much I care, some people are just assholes.

I've learned that you shouldn't compare yourself to others - they are usually more screwed up than you think.

I've learned that regardless of how hot and steamy a relationship is at first, the passion fades, and there had better be a lot of money to take its place.

I've learned that the people you care most about in life are taken from you too soon and all the less important ones just never go away.

That'll be $200.
(Yes - I take PayPal)

[Pale Blue Dot]

15. LOL.

You win. :-)

[bettyellen]

23. that made me cringe and laugh at the same time! i have a twisted grin

on my face, but fuck if you aren't right !

[bettyellen]

21. why don't you be more up front in your letters and calls....

i don't understand, you are just going to write her letters from far away and you think that means "you are there" for her. you aren't there, you're hundreds of miles away and have a kid that needs you to be there, am i right? and you want her to trust you and assume you'd be there, can you be there for her? if so, why not go soon? make an excuse to visit her area next months. you guys have a lot of time to make up for and if possible it should be face to face. you guys have too many murky years where you couldn't say whatever you wanted to each other for you to be thinking about writing her for "however long it takes..."
You want to know how long it takes?? well, go find out! now get that girl and then bring her back for us all to meet!
if you need any help concocting excuses to be in her town, i can help w/ that. but you have to tell her it was bullshit the minute you're making out! then she won't be mad.
now go!



Almost the same advice you got already: ........... All you can do is stalk them and hope they panic and give in.

[NuttyFluffers]

24. trust your gut

your head has too many brain cells, it'll just get you confused.

it's love not logic, it has it's own winding path. sometimes it rages forward with a strong current, sometimes it needs to meander with plenty of oxbows and calm pools. but the most important thing is to jump in and let yourself be carried away by the flow.

(if you've noticed you already answered your own question. it's present throughout your posts in this topic.)