Somebody tell me a joke

[AngryAmish]

All mine are old. Or involve inappropriate sexual practices.

[JohnKleeb]

1. I nearly fell down the stairs because my jeans were too baggy

[jeff30997]

3. I nearly fell down my jeans because the stairs were too shaky.

[kuozzman]

2. Today, Chimp awarded freedom medals to Tenet, Gen. Franks and Bremmer!

[jeff30997]

4. Too bad Stalin is dead.He would get the Nobel peace prize.

[kuozzman]

5. Pentagon's new vocabulary......

Enduring Purpose Of War(exactly as both appear)
Old: Violent clash of opposing wills
New:
• Impose will upon an adversary
• Politics by another means
• A better peace

From:
An Evolving Joint Perspective: US Joint Warfare and Crisis Resolution in the 21st Century

http://www.dtic.mil/jointvision/jwcr_screen.pdf

This document literally redefines just about every aspect of war and introduces a whole new vocabulary, which will likely account for a significant portion of future White House Press Conferences

[Jessica]

6. So, a pirate walks into a bar ...

... with a captain's wheel down his pants. The bartender says, "Hey man - why do you have a captain's wheel down your pants?" To which the pirate replied, "Aaaargh ... it's drivin' me nuts."

:shrug:

[liberalhistorian]

9. ROFLMAO!

Can't wait to use that one!

[liberalhistorian]

7. Three men died on Christmas Eve

and were met at the pearly gates by St. Peter. St. Peter told them that, since it was Christmas Eve, they needed to show something related to Christmas in order to be admitted.

The first guy pulled out his lighter, flicked it, and said that it represented a Christmas candle. St. Peter opened the gates.
The second guy pulled out his keys and jangled them, saying it represented Christmas bells. St. Peter opened the gates.
The third man thought a moment, then finally reached into his jeans pocket and pulled out a pair of underwear. St. Peter stared at them and asked just what the significance was. The guy said, "well, these are Carol's!"

[Nikepallas]

8. Two drunks in a 5th story bar

Their are 2 drunks in a 5th story bar. The first drunk after taking a few drinks walks over to the window, jumps up on the window Ceil and jumps out of the window. A few seconds later the drunk comes back up to the bar sits on the stool and drinks some more.

The second drunk after watching the first drunk do this for 4 times turns to the first drunk and say: "How the hell are you surviving? This is a 5th story bar! You should be dead"!

First Drunk: "Not really. The way this building is built their is a consent updraft and with all the gases in your body you just float right on down">

2nd Drunk: "Man I gotta try that!" Finishes his drink marches over to the window,jumps onto the window and out of the window.

SPLAT

Bartender: Superman, You're an Asshole when you drink.

[Yupster]

10. Here's my favorite

A guy was walking through the woods when he came upon a rather large hole.

Bored, he offhandedly tossed a pebble into the hole, and was surprised when he didn't ever hear the pebble hit bottom.

Now interested, he looked around and saw a rather large log. He pushed it into the hole, cupped his ear and listened. Still nothing.

Now very perplexed, he looked around again. He saw an old weathered picnic table nearby. He pushed the old wooden table to the hole and into it, and got down on his knees.

Just then he heard a ruffling in the bushes behind him. A wild donkey jumped out of the bushes, over his head, right into the hole and disappeared.

The man was still sitting shocked by the hole when an old farmer came by. "Hey partner, have you seen my mule anywhere?" "Mister it was the damndest thing. I was just sitting here when your mule came running right over me and jumped right in this here hole."

The old farmer looked down the hole, then to the man, shook his head and said, "nah, couldn't have been mine. I had mine tied up to a picnic table."