R U Afraid of your Wife?

[Jack_Dawson]

I ask that not in the "can she kick my ass" sense, but are you afraid of her...reactions to things. One of my friends went to an NBA game with me last spring (Go Kings!) and had to save up for the trip through the entire year by squirreling away $10 here and $10 there so his wife wouldn't notice some huge withdrawal before the weekend in question.

:wtf:

[mac56]

1. "Afraid" may be too strong a word.

But yes, there are some judgments and reactions I'd prefer to circumvent.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

2. not really....

maybe a little

[liontamer]

29. ?

[LoZoccolo]

3. I don't have a wife, so I didn't vote, but...

...there's some stuff in the Autobiography of Malcolm X about this, where he was living in some house that a bunch of prostitutes inhabited too, and he basically came to the conclusion that it was this kind of a thing that provoked men to see prostitutes.

[LoZoccolo]

4. That having been said...

...I heard this woman on the radio once who wrote a book about how women should squirrel away money so that if their husband leaves them for a younger woman you'll have all this cash he doesn't know about. I have to admit, she's got a point. You go to the "Viagra Triangle" over here in Chicago, over on Rush Street, and you can some of that going on.

[Jack_Dawson]

5. The WHAT Triangle???

LOL

[LoZoccolo]

6. Yeah, that place finally has a name!

It's basically a place where there's a lot of nice restaurants in the Gold Coast in Chicago. Lots of rich old men and what-not.

Now see you probably already know this, but in LA they have personal ads for women seeking benefactors. I guess that's cool that it's all out in the open like that, but I'd be curious to meet some of these women.

[redqueen]

7. This thread makes me sad.

[ernstbass]

8. Ah the joys of being single!!

[Radical Activist]

27. damn right!

[bleedingheart]

9. That's nuts...

however when we were getting married, my hubby told me that I could do whatever I wanted for our wedding...so I found a photographer and the cost was $1500 for the entire photo package..
When he and I got home from work that evening and I told him the fee and how excited I was because the guy was really good...he had a fit and said.."Jesus that is a lot of money...you didn't even ask me..." to which I said..."but you said I could do whatever I wanted regarding the wedding plans"...

Thus was born our first pre-marital agreement....we don't spend in excess of $200 without asking the other about the purchase...

[Poppyseedman]

10. Been married for 24 years

......and yes all to the same women.

Rule # 1. I handle the bills. She gets a nice weekly allowance for groceries and gas and fun, no matter if we have a nickel in the bank or not. She gets her money first. This keeps her happy. She takes care of me, that makes me happy. There is no mine/her money. it's our's together.

Rule # 2. We never spend more than $100 on a single item without waiting 24 hours and the other knows about it. (Except for birthdays and Christmas)

Rule # 3. We never let the kids dictate our answers. They don't play I'll ask mommy/daddy since I don't like your answer. Whatever decision we make concerning the children, the other spouse agrees. Behind closed doors we will discuss if we think it was a wrong decision.

Rule # 4. My wife and I spend at least 15 minutes each day alone (no kids)to reconnect.

Rule # 5. Complete and total honesty with compassion.

First five years were pure hell, until we decided without the help of Oprah or Dr. Phil to live by these rules.

Extremely happy ever since.

[Jack_Dawson]

11. Wow!

That's very interesting. I think I'm going to bookmark your response.

Signed,
Never-been-married

[Champ]

12. Me too

I've always been impressed by a couple's ability to stay together after so long.

[Left Is Write]

17. We have similar rules.

Except that I handle the money. I am more organized, and it's a task he doesn't much care for anyway. (Interesting, too, considering he's the one out earning the money!) He tells me how much he needs per month for gas, expenses, pin money, and so forth, and he gets that amount right off the top. The rest of the money goes to savings, bills, household expenses, groceries, gas for my car and whatever amount I need/want for other items.

We do not make large purchases (say $200 or more) without discussing it, EXCEPT things like a stock-up trip to Target, which can easily run over $200.

Nobody hides anything. He gives me his credit card receipts to compare to statements, and I give him the statement to compare to his expense/reimbursement report at work. He flips through the bills in the "in" basket, so he knows what we run for utilities, credit cards and so forth.

We do not discuss disagreements about money in front of the kids.

The system works well for us.

[Jack_Dawson]

19. Do you invest as well?

Who makes that decision?

[Left Is Write]

20. Yes. Our investment money comes off the top .

I don't decide who to invest with. My husband did take care of that with a financial advisor.

[Jack_Dawson]

21. Pay yourself first - smart

:toast:

[seafey]

30. why not discuss...

disagreements about money in front of the children? Just curious. I'd think if your discussions are healthy (which it sounds like they must be) it seems like it might be ok to show your children how to talk about money, how to find your way together with the same money.

[Left Is Write]

31. Because our younger children are only three and five.

And because the oldest one, age 17, is often the subject of monetary disagreements (allowance, lunch money, babysitting money, whether we or her dad should pay for a plane ticket, blah blah, that sort of thing).

[seafey]

43. got it. nt

[yardwork]

37. Married twenty years and we have a similar system

We both work and both share domestic duties. My husband handles the bills because he is more reliable about doing things on time (they would be late if I did them, which would give us both ulcers, so he does them).

We put a lot of our daily expenses on one credit card which we unfailingly pay off at the end of the month. We always discuss major purchases with one another before-hand. When we buy furniture or art for the house we always go together. On the other hand, we are very tolerant of one another's taste. The house doesn't look the way it would if either of us lived here alone - that's the point. We're a family.

We don't disagree in front of the children except over very minor issues. We don't criticize one another or demean one another. Mild joking is ok.

If the kids try the "I'll go ask mommy since daddy said no" they run into a brick wall. Even if I don't know what dad just said, I'll back him up in front of the kids. If I disagree I'll discuss it in private later.

The MOST important key to a long and happy marriage? Communication and mutual respect. Be willing to say you are sorry even if you are still kind of mad. Be willing to compromise over little things. Don't keep score. Trust and be trustworthy in return.

[Bouncy Ball]

35. We've been married for 13 years and are quite happy

here's what we do:

1. Money is TOTALLY SEPARATE. I have my paycheck, he has his. I have my checking account and savings account, he has his. We do have a joint savings account, too. I have my bills, he has his bills. As long as we each pay our bills and puts a predetermined amount into the joint savings account, we couldn't care less what the other does with their leftover money. This saved our marriage.

2. If one person doesn't feel like talking about what's bothering them right now, respect that and leave them alone. It took me years to learn that one (he's usually the one that needs time to talk about things). But it's worth it, because pestering the other to talk about it RIGHT NOW only escalates things.

3. Time together, sans kid, is not a nicety, it is a requirement. We have no set schedule, but we do NOT neglect this.

That's about it. It works for us. Oh and no one's afraid of anyone else in this marriage, I can't imagine that.

[Pithlet]

41. That's a similar arrangment

that my husband and I have, regarding money. Although I don't like calling it an "allowance". I refer to it as my budget. When we were DINKS (Double Income No Kids) I pretty much had free reign to spend whatever I wanted.

[yellowcanine]

13. Do you mean "She who must be obeyed"? That wife? Why yes. Why

do you ask?

[THUNDER HANDS]

14. if a man isn't scared of his wife

she isn't doing a good enough job. As my girlfriend would probably say. :D

[Nikia]

25. My mother-in-law has said something similiar

She thinks that I should be able to make him do certain things. I tell her that I can't make him do anything.

[Bouncy Ball]

36. Yuck, I hate that attitude.

It says I have to be this horrible, crabby, naggy taskmaster bitch from hell.

It's a stereotype although I know there are women like that. And I don't feel sorry for their husbands or boyfriends, as they need to grow a spine and stand up to that and/or leave.

[Cuban_Liberal]

15. Afraid of Mr. "If that's what you want to do, babe, go for it!"?

Nah.

:P

[dr.strangelove]

16. We both have our limits

If I spend $100 on a ball game, she is not going to raise any flags (I spend $3000 on Giants Football season tickets anyway). But if I spend $5000 on a weekend trip to Vegas, she would be justified in freaking out. Its not about who wears the pants, because if she spent $5000 on a weekend trip to Vegas I would freak out, but if she spends $200 on a pair of shoes, while I think its nuts, I'm not going to get mad.
We are pretty open about spending money.

[Left Is Write]

18. This made me laugh.

Largely because my husband would probably encourage me to spend $200 on a pair of shoes if I liked them, and I'd be standing there saying, "No, no, I could get four or five pairs of shoes for that amount of money!"

[dr.strangelove]

26. She does love shoes

And they all are pretty expensive. I waste money on sports and scotch. I have two pairs of shoes and one pair of sneakers, all 1-2 years old. She spends money on clothes and shoes. I love sports and drinking single malts, she love those shoes. If you got it, spend it on what makes you happy, be it shoes or scotch.

[yvr girl]

22. You're not still in trouble are you

All is forgiven, I hope.

[dr.strangelove]

24. Mrs. dr.strangelove is pretty cool

She gives me a hard time sometime for DU flirting, but in a playful way. I wish she would stop lurking and start posting, and come out as my wife, but she just lurks and then calls me on my silly behavior.

[Nikia]

23. My husband doesn't need to be afraid of me

There are some things that I do get upset about, but I can't stay upset for more than a couple hours because it wears me down and I feel sad if he's sad. I really can't threaten him with anything because I'd feel bad about that too. I was also raised by parents who made it clear that their needs came first and that I was in trouble of I asked for anything so I think that this mentality comes into play too. I don't know anything about being manipulative either.

[orpupilofnature57]

28. Little Hungarian,with lot's of chutzpah, keep's me on my toes

[skygazer]

32. I've never understood the need to be like that in a relationship

It's sad. My hubby and i both work and we share all our expenses. Those are always taken care of before anything else and we both take care of certain ones - it just fell together that way.

We also have separate bank accounts but that doesn't mean we don't confer about large expenditures, even if only one of us is making them. For instance, if he wanted to go to that game, he would have mentioned it to me - not as in "asking permission" but as in "hey, I was thinking of going to that game with so and so and it's going to cost such and such an amount of money. What do you think?"

Last April, I took a trip back east without him - the money I used was all from my account but we discussed the idea beforehand to determine how that would affect our assets.

It's counter productive to feel you have to sneak around like a 7 year old to do what you want to do. If I felt that I was unable to do something reasonable because of my spouse's reaction, I would not be in the relationship. I already have three kids - I don't need another one.

[CornField]

33. There are times I'd pay him to go out of town

Seriously! LOL!

[JVS]

34. Is today the official bitch about wives and SOs in preparation for Xmas...

day?

[Laelth]

38. Afraid of my wife? You bet!

In fact, nearly every man I know shows signs of being afraid of women, whether they admit it or not. Men should be afraid of women. Women are powerful.

My wife very kindly and generously tolerates my presence. I think she likes the way I smell, but speaking generally, she could replace me in a heartbeat, and she knows it.

being only slightly sarcastic ...

-Laelth

[Nikia]

39. In a way I find this thread ironic

Although many of us know women who get angry at their husbands for any little thing, withhold sex and affection as punishment, and other not so nice activities, really it is the women who are most often afraid. Domestic violence and abuse is still quite common. Although I realize that some men are abused by their wives, the men are more often abusers and more likely to kill or cause serious harm. I think that since men are often raised to feel like the entitled, dominant one in the relationship they are less affected by verbal abuse than women. Since women are less likely to make more money than men and may take time off after pregnancy, they are more likely to feel stuck in their situation. Just something to think about.

[SarahB]

42. You're right.

Violence often comes when a hand has never been risen. It's a thousand times of your self-worth being chipped away by someone by verbal assaults and emotional manipulation. It's about trying to make things better and being yelled at. It's about someone turning on you after the children are already there and you may really and truly be trapped for awhile (with the self-respect that's been chipped away to nothing for years on top of it). People who haven't lived with a controlling person who does this to you can't understand how slow it can be until finally there's lines crossed and it hits you.

I will never, and I mean never, allow myself to be as vulnerable as I once did. My trust was betrayed far too many times. I can love again I'm sure, but financial dependency is another story. I was a strong girl. I am a strong woman yet again. I will never abdicate my strength again out of someone else's weakness.

I love your posts, Nikia. :thumbsup:

[sweetheart]

40. not afraid, but American Beauty's Kevin Spacey character is sooo familiar

I honestly can't say. We're lucky to get together. I feel that
in every meeting. This gratefulness makes me very accepting of
anything she wants. I am constantly reminded how short life is, and
how prescious it is to have loved ones at all. I remember my love
from a past life we once had together, when i took to the ship and
never returned, probably dying in a war. So, with great good fortune,
we've met again, to have some moments together.

I don't care what she does. Its all precious. We have a sacred
ashram together, with dog-children. Fear, and the toxic emotions
of the world are not in our lives... we have silence, much silence
together, dog licks and great romance. :-)