I'm channeling Donald Rumsfeld. Ask me anything.

[Lone Pawn]

Good evening.

It's come to my attention that certain left-wing operatives might be--might be operating in this area, might be undertaking operations in the area enclosed by this area. Do I think we need to address this situation? Of course I do. Am I going to? Well of course we're looking into that and all possible solutions to progress forward in the region, and I'm confident that given time and resources we'll get to the other side of this.

[KitchenWitch]

1. What do you intend to do with the libruls?

[Lone Pawn]

6. I don't think that's been addressed well enough yet

and if you look at it the right way you'll see that there are--that there are two ways we can go about doing that. Now, the first way is to keep going the way we've been going, but the thing about that is that the way we've been going isn't the way things are going to keep going--we'll go one way and things will go another way, and that's the kind of problems that we've been fighting against, and succeeding, I'd say, though we've still got a road ahead of us either way.

Now, the other way? The other way is more of a ground-heavy, forceful approach. These people can't be reasoned with, and we have the capability to uproot them from their networks while still respecting our relationships with the local governments. Will it be tough? I never said it wouldn't be. But can we do it? You bet we can.

[billyskank]

37. You *are* Donald Rumsfeld!

[Ediacara]

2. what don't you know?

[Lone Pawn]

8. Are there things I know?

There are things I know I don't know. And there are things I don't know that I know, but I only know those things when I know them. But I know that the majority of the things I don't know I don't know about. Is that the fault of our intelligence gathering? I don't think so. I think--I suppose it's a result of the ground situation, which is shifting very rapidly. We have them in disarray, you see, and since they aren't the kind who will stay and fight we don't always get to see where they are. Next question.

[tuvor]

3. Can you change the channel?

[Lone Pawn]

9. The question is, do I want to change the channel?

Right now, we can't afford to change the channel. That's the way things are. There are people in Iraq--there are terrorists--who want us to change the channel, because in this new Iraq--the Iraq the Iraqi people are building--the terrorists won't have the channel, you see, so if they want a channel they can't change it themselves, but they have to make us change it. Are we going to change it? Of course not. Can we? We could, of course, but it's not what we're going to do. We're going to stay the course, and that means we're not going to change the channel. Next question.

[tuvor]

14. Sorry, Rummy, I was asking Lone Pawn.

Now resign, already.

[Lone Pawn]

15. Lone Pawn and I have talked at length about this

and we've decided that it's in America's best interest if I were to stay on for the time being.

[wtmusic]

4. Do you comb your hair with bacon? n/t

[Ediacara]

10. Seriously...

Enquiring minds want to know!

[Lone Pawn]

11. We've had some meetings on this data,

and the General and I have gone over the metrics and we're still looking into all the possible holes and meanings in it. Because no data's perfect--there's holes in it, even when you don't think there are holes, because the data you use to find holes has holes in it.

Now how does that relate to the question you posed? Is it conceivable I comb my hair with bacon? It's possible, I suppose. Everything's possible when you don't know where the holes in the data are, but that doesn't mean it will be possible in 24 hours. Of course data changes so fluidly, it's hard to know at all times. But I think we can know.

[autorank]

5. Tell me the metric Donald!

[Lone Pawn]

13. I'm not answering that question.

Next question, please.

[autorank]

23. When did you stop beating my wife?

:crazy:

[arwalden]

7. What Mistakes Have You Made? And What Did You Learn From Them?

[Lone Pawn]

12. Did we make mistakes?

I don't think we made mistakes. Well, we might have made some mistakes. We certainly didn't expect to win as quickly as we did, that's for sure. And because of that--because of that--because of that, I suppose, there were costs. Now, did we have a budget going in there? Of course we did. We also know that a budget is a plan. It's not something that's executed; it's something that is your target. You aim to hit it, but sometimes you fail, because sometimes you can't know what's coming up ahead. Now if you go the road that gets you to work on time 99 days out of a hundred, and there's traffic one day, and you're late, did you make a mistake by taking that road? You might have. You could say we did. But I wouldn't call it a mistake. It's a challenge, yes. Lord knows we face challenges every day. But it's not a challenge we can't overcome.

[arwalden]

17. Lone Pawn... You're Really A Disturbed Person, Aren't You ?

This just can't be normal. I'm worried about you. Seek professional help immediately. This type of creepy behavior could cause permanent damage... or impotence. :hi:

-- Allen

[Lone Pawn]

25. Am I just pissed off at our Defense Secretary?

You bet I am. Can I believe that people put up with his meaningless rambling and five-minute-long evasions of questions? Of course I am! Is this just a way to work through it? You bet your sweet bippy it is!

[arwalden]

31. It's Frighteningly Realistic.

[Lone Pawn]

35. He's not hard to do. Reminds me of the GYWO strip.

[Straight Shooter]

16. Have you ever had a mandate, and how does it compare to bush's?

Just askin'

[Lone Pawn]

19. I think the question you're asking is,

what exactly constitutes a mandate? What are the situations that lead to one? I would say a mandate isn't something you can just wear like a hat or a helmet, no. The question is whether you have a mandate to fulfill, whether you have an operation you need to push ahead with and forge through regardless of problems you may or may not encounter. Will we encounter problems? Perhaps. We can't know that. But we have to plan for them, and we do. But will we always plan for the right problems? Usually, but those are the times you don't hear about. You only hear about when we plan for the problems that don't materialize, and that gives people the wrong idea on the way we're going ahead with things. We have a mandate--the Iraqi people have given us a mandate--and we're going to go ahead together and build a new Iraq.

[Straight Shooter]

27. No, you putrid bag of canine barf, I didn't ask what constitutes a mandate

I asked you if you ever had one and how does it compare to bush's.

No wonder you've fucked up the situation so royally in Iraq. Why don't you take your squirming, lying, nasty little ass and drag it back into the deepest darkest corner of the slimiest cave you can find, you troglodyte.

Whew! Lone Pawn, how can you stand it to be channeling a serpent of Satan? I mean, doesn't it make you feel like you need to be scrubbed down with Lava soap with the water at super-hot temp?

[Lone Pawn]

29. Actually, it makes me feel better.

I hate that bastard. I hate that bastard. I fucking hate that bastard. He's an absolute fucking worm. He can't speak for five minutes without diverging into a nonsensical string of words and catchphrases that only bears a vague resemblance to the question, and then he stops at what looks to be a random pause and asks for a new question. I swear to God, I could do his fucking job. Just ramble. Nobody would know the difference.

Sorry. Not a fan. Least favorite member of this administration. Far worse than Bush, IMO.

But if I just "channel" him a bit, I feel better. Like, you know, it's not just me who thinks he's batshit crazy.

[Straight Shooter]

32. Well, you do an awesome imitation. Jon Stewart should have you on TDS.

When you hurl buckets of pea-soup vomitus, rummy will have left the building.

:thumbsup:

[Lone Pawn]

34. Thanks, but I'm no good with voices.

:P

[Spiffarino]

18. Do you worship Jesus W. Bush enough to commit seppuku for him?

If not, would you please reconsider for the good of the troops?

[Lone Pawn]

22. Jesus and I have had several meetings

and we've determined that it would be best if I were to not commit seppuku at this moment, though that's really the President's decision, not mine.

[WindRavenX]

Why are you such a prick? NT

[Lone Pawn]

24. Is it always easy to go ahead and work through things?

Of course it isn't! I think the–--well, the first thing I would say is that the Pentagon is properly concerned with the matter you bring up. There's a time and a place for every demeanor, yes. Certainly you wouldn't want to coddle a terrorist: these are men, terrorists, who want to undo all the good work the Iraqi people have been doing. And at the same time, you don't want to show the people of Iraq weakness, you have to say, you have to be there to show them you can defend them against the terrorists. Next question.

[WindRavenX]

20. Why do you take pleasure in killing people? NT

[Lone Pawn]

26. It's hard, yes, but you have to ask yourself,

is it what's in the best interest of the bright future of Iraq? Perhaps. You see, there are people who want to--who want to upset the future of Iraq. That presents a problem. So it’s understandable that the nations, and not just in this region, but throughout the world, are deeply concerned about what’s taking place in Iraq. We're all concerned, deeply, about what's going on in Iraq. Do we enjoy it? No. No. Of course not. No. But do we know it has to be done? Yes, I think, though it can be difficult to know. We certainly feel--feel pride in that we do it right, I know that.

[MisterP]

21. It's doubtful that it's not untrue.

[Lone Pawn]

28. Not to my knowledge.

Next question.

[put out]

30. Dear Mr. Rumsfeld,

Why in the whole wide world would your mother and you father name you "Donald"? And is this a Bible name?

I named my child a really good name. A bible name.

Signed by Kim, which means, from the heathens,

wait for it.

someone who might know something about some things.

[Lone Pawn]

33. Was I present for my naming?

I might have been. There are certainly holes in my knowledge, true, there are--there are things I don't know regarding the situation that developed at the timeframe you mentioned. But is there a deeper meaning? That's the question you're looking in to, I believe. I've had a chance to look over the data over the past 48 hours, and it's emerged that Donald comes from the Gaelic 'Domhnall,' meaning 'Ruler of the World." Is that a reference to--to the situation as it develops? Perhaps. Did my parents know I'd be a batshit crazy wannabe Napoleon? We can't know that. We have clues, yes, but the data has so many holes you can't put it back together right. That's the way it is, unfortunately. I wish I could tell you otherwise.

[put out]

36. Well, dear Mr. Rumsfeld,

No person can be blamed for anything, especially you.

But, have you tried contact lenses? I'm kind of a fashion type person, and you just have to get rid of the aviator glasses, they are so 70's! You could wear the contacts and then have some reading glasses and they make you look very smart. Fondest regards, Damitholl. Or is it Dumnail?

Shoot, no disrespect meant.

[Lone Pawn]

38. I believe the answer to your question

is dependent on the situation that existed in the past. That's not the situation we're interested in--it's the situation that we've already gone through, that doesn't exist any more. Now, does it affect the situation we have now? Of course it does. But we can't change that, and we can't change the situation as it is now. All we can change is the situation in the future, and we change that by acting aggressively in the present. Now, do I wear contacts? No, I find that glasses give me an air of authority, let the runts around the Pentagon know that I've been through the past when it was the present, let them know that I acted aggressively when the past was--when it was as it was as a present, and made the present situation what it is by my actions in the past. Now, was that all good? No, certainly not. You can't know the future. Can you guess? You can, but you won't be right. You don't have the vision to look forward. Now, I think--I like to think I've got good vision for the future, and I think the glasses symbolize that.

That's all the questions for the night. Thank you. I'm going to bed.

[FuzzySlippers]

39. Mr. Secretary. Why do you work standing up?

Is it because of the hemorrhoids?