Random Monty Python quotes.

[BurtWorm]

"The palindrome of Bolton would be NOTLOB!"


PS: The Four Yorkshire Men sketch is here:

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=view_all&address=105x2237799

[flakey_foont]

1. Immanuel Kant was a real pissant

who was rarely ever stable

[miss_kitty]

7. Heidegger Heidegger was a boozy beggar

who could drink you under the table!

[Zero Gravitas]

25. David Hume could out-consume

Schopenhauer and Hegel

[AllegroRondo]

27. And Wittgenstien was a boozy swine

who was just as sloshed as Schlagel

[flakey_foont]

35. Rene Descartes was a drunken fart

I drnk therefore I am

[miss_kitty]

47. There's nothin' Nietzsche could teach ya 'bout the raisin' of the wrist

And Socrates himself is permanently pissed.

[AllegroRondo]

49. John Stuart Mill of his own free will

after half a pint of shandy was particularly ill

[AllegroRondo]

50. Plato, they say, could stick it away

half a crate of whiskey every day

[miss_kitty]

51. Aristotle, Aristotle was a bugger for the bottle.

Hobbes was fond of his dram.
And Rene Descartes was a drunken fart.
I drink therefore I am.

On Edit: the last two lines:
"Yes, Socrates himself is particularly missed.
A lovely little thinker, but a bugger when he's pissed."

[BurtWorm]

52. Brilliant, Sheilas and Bruces!

It 'as a kick loik a mule!

[Not_Giving_Up]

2. We are the knights that go "Nee! Nee!"

[BurtWorm]

3. "One day, son, all this will be yours..."

"Who', th'curtains?"

[loudestchick]

91. She has huge.... tracts of land!

[htuttle]

4. "Arthur Pewty! Are you a man... or a mouse?"

"Yes! Yes, you're right! This is it, Arthur Pewty! This is your moment! At last... you're a man!"

[deadparrot]

5. This is his gourd!

[Zero Gravitas]

6. My hovercraft is full of eels

do you want to come back to my place, bouncy bouncy?

[NewJeffCT]

8. ask and you shall receive

This is an ex-parrot!!!

I'm a lumberjack & I'm okay, I sleep all night & I work all day.

Always look on the bright side of life.

she's rich, she's beautiful, she's got huge... tracts of land.

[Cyndee_Lou_Who]

9. My favorite is "Help, help, I'm being repressed!"

[BurtWorm]

11. "You see the repression inherent in the system!"

[NewJeffCT]

24. strange women

strange women lying in ponds distributing swords is no basis for a system of government. supreme executive power derives from a mandate from the masses, not some farcical aquatic ceremony. Look, if I went around saying I was Emperor just because some moistened bink lobbed a scimitar at me, they'd put me away.

[Zero Gravitas]

12. bloody peasant

[BurtWorm]

17. "'E must be a king." "'Ow d'ye know."

"'E 'ent got shi' all over him."

[THUNDER HANDS]

10. he was randomly attacked by viscious gangs of keep left signs

[Zero Gravitas]

15. Stop it, stop it

that sketch is too silly.

[blue neen]

13. You cheesy lot of second-hand electric donkey bottom biters!

[htuttle]

14. Locking

This thread has become entirely too silly!



It's a Man's Life in the DU Lounge

Alright! That's it! I'm shutting this down right now!

[Zero Gravitas]

18. no one enjoys a good laugh more than I do

except my wife. Oh yes, and Captain Johnson. Come to think of it most people enjoy a good laugh more than I do...

[miss_kitty]

16. Centurion:

What's this, then? "Romanes eunt domus"? People called Romanes, they go, the house?

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

19. Shut up! Shut up you American.

You always talk, you Americans, you talk and you talk and say 'Let me tell you something' and 'I just wanna say this', Well you're dead now, so shut up.

[loudestchick]

90. The salmon Mousse!

[GregW]

20. Oooo! Mrs Nigger-Baiter's exploded!

Good thing, too.

[Toby109]

36. Oh don't be so sentimental, mother.

People explode every day.

[BurtWorm]

53. I'm just putting a little lard on the cat's boil.

[achtung_circus]

21. Busy day?

Busy, we just spent 4 hours burying the cat.

4 hours to bury a cat?

Yes, it wouldn't keep still, wriggling about and howling.

Oh, it's not dead, then?

No, but it's not at all a well cat and as we're going away for a fortnight we thought we'd better bury it, just to be on the safe side.

Quite right, you don't want to come back from Sorrento to a dead cat, do you?

Yes.

We're thinking of having our budgie put down.

Oh, is it very old then?

No' we just don't like it.

How do you put a budgie down?

Well, it's funny you should ask that because we just bought a big book called "How To Put Your Budgie Down" and according to the book you can either shoot them there, just above the beak, or you can hit them with the book.

Mrs. Essence flushed hers down the loo.

Oooh, that's dangerous, because they breed in the sewers and then you get huge evil-smelling flocks of soiled budgies flying out of people's lavatories, infringing their personal freedoms.

[lildreamer316]

22. Albatross!!

(live at the Hollywood Bowl..best ever!):)

[blue neen]

23. "A bunny!"

"What's he gonna do, nibble your bum?"

[RevolutionaryActs]

26. "Your mother was a hamster and your father smelt of elderberries!"

[BurtWorm]

28. "I only 'ope it don't go on the carpet."

[DontBlameMe]

29. "I'd like to hear

the sound of 2 bricks banging together"

"Albatros!"

"Rule number one! No puffters!!!"

"Excuse me, miss" "Whach mean miss?" "I'm sorry I have a cold."

[BurtWorm]

30. "Half a bee philosophically must ipso facto half not be."

[Kat45]

31. "That is an EX-parrot."

[meegbear]

32. Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore

Riding through the land
Dennis Moore, Dennis Moore
Without a merry band
He steals from the poor
And gives to the rich
Stupid Bitch.

[dean_dem]

33. "On second thought, lets not go to Camelot..."

"'Tis a silly place."

[4MoreYearsOfHell]

34. And the Lord spoke, saying,

"First shalt thou take out the Holy Pin. Then, shalt thou count to three, no more, no less. Three shalt be the number thou shalt count, and the number of the counting shalt be three. Four shalt thou not count, neither count thou two, excepting that thou then proceed to three. Five is right out! Once the number three, being the third number be reached, then lobbest thou thy Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch towards thou foe, who, being naughty in my sight, shall snuff it."

[Cyndee_Lou_Who]

37. 1,2, 5...

god, i love that movie!

[yellowdogintexas]

38. No one expects the Spanish Inquisition

[regweb]

102. Nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition

Our chief weapon is surprise...surprise and fear, fear and surprise...our two weapons are fear and surprise... and ruthless efficiency,,,Our THREE weapons are fear and surprise and ruthless efficiency and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope...Our four...no...AMONGST our weapons...amongst our weaponry are such diverse elements as fear, surprise...I'll come in again.

[giant_robot]

39. I'm French! Why do think I have this outrageous accent, you silly king-a?

You don't frighten us, English pig-dogs! Go and boil your bottom, sons of a silly person. I blow my nose at you, so-called Arthur King, you and all your silly English k-nnnnniggets. Thpppppt! Thppt! Thppt!


Thanks to the people at this website: http://www.mwscomp.com/movies/grail/grail-08.htm

where everyone has way too much time on their hands.

[JHB]

40. Upper-class twit of the Year!

White-House edition!

[DBoon]

41. Do you mean an African swallow

or a European swallow?

[LynzM]

42. She turned me into a Newt!

A newt?

I got better...

[NoPasaran]

43. It's bleedin' seabird flavour!

[C_eh_N_eh_D_eh]

44. Silence, naughty lady of the night!

[On the Road]

45. Yer Ol' Lady, Is She a Goer?

Does she get around? Nudge, nudge, wink, wink....

[Kali]

46. But I'm using get.

You're not qualified.

What is your favorite colour?

Eric the half a bee.

[warrens]

48. But he DID nail your head to the coffee table...

Yeah, yeah, he did that. He didn't want to, I had to insist.

[NoPasaran]

54. "Your majesty is like a stream of bat's piss"

[rfranklin]

55. He was cruel...but fair...

Was it dimsdale?

[stellanoir]

56. "the penguin on top of your

telly is about to explode. Cawh, didn't even know we had a penguin."

Can't believe no one did that one yet !

Also , from Michael Palin ("Meaning of Life"). "God you are so-o-o huge. . .you are so-o-o vast. . .we all down here are rrrrrrreallllllly impressed."

[NoPasaran]

57. You wouldn't have had much fun in Stalingrad, would you?

[BurtWorm]

58. I said you wouldn't have much fun in Stalingrad, would you?

Hilter: Not much fun in Stalingrad, no.

Landlady: Oh I'm sorry. I didn't introduce you. This is Ron. Ron Vibbentrop.

Johnson: Oh, not Von Ribbentrop, eh?

Vibbentrop (Graham Chapman, with German Accent): Nein! Nein! Oh. Ha ha. Different other chap. I in Somerset am being born. Von Ribbentrop is born Gotterdammerstrasse 46, Dusseldorf Vest 8.....so they say!

Landlady: And this is the quiet one, Heinrich Bimmler.

Bimmler: Pleased to meet you, squire. I also am not of Minehead being born but I in your Peterborough Lincolnshire was given birth to. But am staying in Peterborough Lincolnshire house all time during vor, due to jolly old running sores, and vos unable to go in the streets or to go visit football matches or go to Nuremburg. Ha ha. Am retired vindow cleaner and pacifist, without doing war crimes. Oh...and am glad England vin Vorld Cup. Bobby Charlton. Martin Peters. And eating I am lots of chips and fish and hole in the toads and Dundee cakes on Piccadilly Line, don't you know old chap, vot! And I vos head of Gestapo for ten years.
(Hilter elbows him in the ribs)

Ah! Five years!

(Hilter elbows him again, harder)

Nein! No! Oh. NOT head of Gestapo AT ALL! I was not, I make joke!

Landlady: Oh, Mr Bimmler. You do have us on!

[BurtWorm]

66. Cool it, Fuhrer cat!

He's a bit on edge, Mr Johnson, he hasn't slept since 1945.

...

Landlady: Of course it's his big day Thursday. They've been planning it for months.

Johnson: What's happening Thursday then?

Landlady: Well it's the North Minehead bye-election. Mr Hilter's standing asthe National Bocialist. He's got wonderful plans for Minehead!

Johnson: Like what?

Landlady: Well, for a start he wants to annex Poland.

Johnson: North Minehead's Conservative, isn't it?

[Mike Niendorff]

59. "What about pointed sticks?"

MDN

[htuttle]

62. Shut up!

[billyskank]

60. Are you the Judean People's Front?

FUCK OFF! We're the People's Front of Judea!!

[NewJeffCT]

71. splitter!

another good one!

[Bertha Venation]

61. "Four hours to bury a cat?" "Yes, he wouldn't keep still . . .

. . . he kept wrigglin' about, 'owlin' . . . "

[C_eh_N_eh_D_eh]

63. achtung_circus did that one already.

Good morning, Mrs. Cutout!

[NoPasaran]

64. Number Two. The Larch

The... Larch

[billyskank]

65. Thrrrrp!

[edbermac]

67. Lumberjack sketch...

Dear Sir, I wish to complain in the strongest possible terms about the song you have just broadcast about the lumberjack who wears women's clothes. Many of my best friends are lumberjacks, and only a few of them are transvestites.

Yours faithfully, Brigadier Sir Charles Arthur Strong, Mrs.

P.S. I have never kissed the editor of the Radio Times.

[Zero Gravitas]

70. Dear Sir,

I am glad to hear that your studio audience disapproves of the last skit as strongly as I. As a naval officer I abhor the implication that the Royal Navy is a haven for cannibalism. It is well known that we now have the problem relatively under control, and that it is the RAF who now suffer the largest casualties in this area. And what do you think the Argylls ate in Aden. Arabs?

Yours etc.

Captain B.J. Smethwick in a white wine sauce with shallots, mushrooms and garlic.

[NoPasaran]

68. All in a day's work for Bicycle Repairman

[Rambis]

69. Oh, just a harmless little bunny isn't it - LOOK AT THE BONES!

I love them!

[CarbonDate]

72. Brave, brave Sir Robin....

Bravely bold Sir Robin rode forth from Camelot.
He was not afraid to die, O brave Sir Robin!
He was not at all afraid to be killed in nasty ways,
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin!
He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,
Or to have his eyes gouged out, and his elbows broken;
To have his kneecaps split, and his body burned away;
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin!

His head smashed in and his heart cut out
And his liver removed and his bowels unplugged
And his nostrils raped and his bottom burned off
And his pen--

Eh, that's enough singing for now, I think, Minstrels.

[fryguy]

73. "not much of a cheese shop is it?"

[CanuckAmok]

77. not a quote, but...

there's a cheese shop in Victoria, BC that does not sell cheddar. I started to say "not much call for it?! It's the single most popular cheese in the world!", but the guy behind the counter finished the sentance for me in deadpan, and told me "the cheese-shop sketch" isn't allowed in his store.

True story.

[fryguy]

100. most certainly IS a quote from the sketch

(so I left off "It's" when writing the quote)

http://www.serve.com/bonzai/monty/classics/TheCheeseShopSketch

C: It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?
O: Finest in the district!
C: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.
O: Well, it's so clean, sir!
C: It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese....

[Toby109]

86. Tell me. Have you, in fact , got any cheese here at all?

Yes sir.
Really?
No, not really, sir.
You haven't?
No sir, not a scrap. I was deliberatley wasting your time, sir.
Well, I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.
Righto, sir.
(Bang)
What a senseless waste of human life.

[BurtWorm]

74. Ken Shabby

Father Now I understand that you want to marry my daughter?

Pull out to reveal that he is addressing a ghastly thing. A grubby, smelly, brown mackintoshed shambles, unshaven with a continuous hacking cough, and an obscene leer. He sits on the sofa in this beautiful elegant lounge.

Shabby (sniffing and coughing) That's right ... yeah... yeah...

Father Yes, you realize of course that Rosamund is still rather young?

Rosamund (Connie Booth) Daddy you make me feel like a child. (she gazes at Shabby fondly)

Shabby (lasciviously) Oh yeah ... you know... get 'em when they're young eh... eh! OOOOH! Know what I mean eh, oooh! (makes obscene gesture involving elbow)

Father Well I'm sure you know what I mean, Mr ... er... Mr... er .. er?

Shabby Shabby... Ken Shabby...

Father Mr Shabby... I just want to make sure that you'll be able to look after daughter...

Shabby Oh yeah, yeah. I'll be able to look after 'er all right sport, eh, know what I mean, eh emggh!

Father And, er, what job do you do?

Shabby I clean out public lavatories.

Father Is there promotion involved?

Shabby Oh yeah, yeah. (produces handkerchief and cleans throat horribly into it) After five years they give me a brush... eurggha eurgh ... I'm sorry squire, I've gobbed on your carpet...

Father And, ah, where are you going to live?

Shabby Well round at my gran's... she trains polecats, but most of them have suffocated so there should be a bit of spare room in the attic, eh. Know what I mean. Oooh!

Father And when do you expect to get married?

Shabby Oh, right away sport. Right away... you know... I haven't had it for weeks...

Father Well look I'll phone the bishop and see if we can get the Abbey...

Shabby Oh, diarrhoea. (coughing fit)

Cut to strange PHOTO CAPTION SEQUENCE (to be worked out with Terry 'the sap' Gilliam) (if he can spare the time).

Voice Over The story so far: Rosamund's father has become ensnared by Mr Shabby's extraordinary personal magnetism. Bob and Janet have eaten Mr Farquar's goldfish during an Oxfam lunch, and Mrs Elsmore's marriage is threatened by Doug's insistence that he is on a different level of consciousness. Louise's hernia has been confirmed, and Jim, Bob's brother, has run over the editor of the 'Lancet' on his way to see Jenny, a freelance Pagoda designer. On the other side of the continent Napoleon still broods over the smouldering remains of a city he had crossed half the earth to conquer...

[NoPasaran]

75. I'm Inspector Lookouttheresamanbehindyou

And I must ask you all not to leave the room

[CanuckAmok]

76. Are you sure, sargeant, that's your wife...and THAT'S your dog?

Oh, yessir!

Hmm...perhaps I can come 'round and see you when all this is over...you see, I'm rather fond of dogs...

[Merrick]

78. Anyone else fancy a little giggle when I mention my friend, Biggus Dickus?

[Merrick]

79. I fart in your general direction!

[Merrick]

80. Ah, ding-a ding-a ding-a ding... SQUAK! Excellent!

[Merrick]

81. He's not the Messiah. He's a very naughty boy! Now, go away!

[fluffernutter]

82. just one more thin little waffer.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

85. I couldn't eat another bite

[loudestchick]

89. And Bring me a bucket!

[Zero Gravitas]

83. Silly Election Results

Alan Jones (Sensible) 9,112
Kevin Phillips Bong (Slightly Silly) 0
Tarquin Fintimlinbinwhinbimlim Bus Stop Poontang Poontang Ole Biscuit-Barrel (Silly) 12,441.

[mac56]

84. Oh Lord....Ooooh, you are so big...

So absolutely huge...

Gosh, we're all really impressed down here, I can tell you...

[loudestchick]

92. Give her a kiss, boy! Don't go jumping straight for the Clitoris!

[Toby109]

87. You sit there on your loathsome, spotty behinds

squeezing blackheads not caring a tinker's cuss for the struggling artist. You execrement! You whining, hypocritical toadies with your colour TV sets and your Tony Jacklin golf clubs! And your bleeding Masonic secret handshakes! YOU WOULDN'T LET ME JOIN WOULD YA, YOU BLACKBALLING BASTARDS! WHY I WOULDN'T BECOME A FREEMASON NOW IF YOU GOT DOWN ON YOUR LOUSY, STINKING KNEES AND BEGGED ME!!


John Cleese at his finest.

[loudestchick]

88. Yes! We must all have a spanking...and then the oral sex!

[nytemare]

93. I Farrrrrrrrt in your general direction!

[nytemare]

94. "Allright!! I AM the Messiah! Now PISS OFF!"

[Streetdoc270]

95. Your a lapsed Athiest dear....

[baldguy]

96. IT'S!

[Mayberry Machiavelli]

97. "There's nothing wrong with you an expensive operation can't prolong!"

[baldguy]

98. Ah, I see you have the machine that goes "PING!"

You see, we lease it back from the company we sold it to and that way it comes out of the monthly operations budget and not the capital account.

[TexasLady]

99. "Jehovah, Jehovah!"

:D

[Throckmorton]

101. My hovercraft is full of eels

Drop your panties Sir William, I cannot wait till lunchtime.

[SidDithers]

103. Excuse me, miss? Who you callin' miss?.....

I'm sorry, I have a cold.

Sid

[aQuArius]

104. Bring out yer dead!

[Maine-ah]

105. Nobody expects

the Spanish Inquisition. Our chief weapon is surprise... surprise and fear...fear and surprise...our two weapons are fear and surprise...and ruthless efficiency... Our THREE weapons are fear and surprise and ruthless efficiency and an almost fanatical devotion to the Pope... Our FOUR...no...amongst our weapons...amongst our weaponry are such elements as fear, surprise...I'll come in again.

(spam) waitress: well there's egg and bacon; egg, sausage and bacon; egg and spam; egg bacon and spam; egg, bacon, sausage and spam; spam, bacon, sausage and spam; spam, egg, spam, spam, bacon and spam; spam, spam, spam, egg and spam; spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, spam, and spam; or lobster thermidor aux crevettes with a mornay sauce garnished with truffle pate, brandy and a fried egg on top and spam.

[yellowdogintexas]

112. "But I don't LIKE Spam!"

[goodboy]

106. never be rude to an arab...

Never be rude to an Arab,
An Isreali, or Saudi, or Jew.
Never be rude to an Irishman,
No matter what you do.

Never poke fun at a Nigger,
A Spic, or a Wop, or Kraut.
And never poke fun at at...

<KABOOM>


HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHA

[baldguy]

107. My name is spelt "Luxury Yacht"

but it's pronounced "Throatwobbler Mangrove".

[Commie Pinko Dirtbag]

108. He's pinning for the fjords! (nt)

[goodboy]

109. Complete list of Monty Python Sketches here:

http://bau2.uibk.ac.at/sg/python/Scripts/Alphabetic.html

[Maine-ah]

110. ah, my favorite!

Every Sperm is Sacred


From: The Meaning Of Life
by the Monty Python Team


There are Jews in the world.
There are Buddhists.
There are Hindus and Mormons, and then
There are those that follow Mohammed, but
I've never been one of them.
I'm a Roman Catholic,
And have been since before I was born,
And the one thing they say about Catholics is:
They'll take you as soon as you're warm.
You don't have to be a six-footer.
You don't have to have a great brain.
You don't have to have any clothes on. You're
A Catholic the moment Dad came,

Because

Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

Let the heathen spill theirs
On the dusty ground.
God shall make them pay for
Each sperm that can't be found.

Every sperm is wanted.
Every sperm is good.
Every sperm is needed
In your neighbourhood.

Hindu, Taoist, Mormon,
Spill theirs just anywhere,
But God loves those who treat their
Semen with more care.

Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite irate.

Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is good.
Every sperm is needed
In your neighbourhood!

Every sperm is useful.
Every sperm is fine.
God needs everybody's.
Mine! And mine! And mine!

Let the Pagan spill theirs
O'er mountain, hill, and plain.
God shall strike them down for
Each sperm that's spilt in vain.

Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is good.
Every sperm is needed
In your neighbourhood.

Every sperm is sacred.
Every sperm is great.
If a sperm is wasted,
God gets quite iraaaaate!

[robbedvoter]

111. The planets' song

Man in Pink Evening Dress: Whenever life gets you down, Mrs Brown
And things seem hard or tough
And people are stupid obnoxious or daft
And you feel that you've had quite enough...

reveal a magnificent night sky. The vocalist in pink escorts Mrs
Bloke up into the stars.]

Just remember that you're standing on a planet that's evolving
And revolving at 900 miles an hour,
That's orbiting at 19 miles a second, so it's reckoned,
A sun that is the source of all our power.
The sun and you and me and all the stars that we can see,
Are moving at a million miles a day
In an outer spiral arm, at 40,000 miles an hour,
Of the galaxy we call the Milky Way.

Our galaxy itself contains 100 billion stars
It's 100,000 light years side to side.
It bulges in the middle, 16,000 light years thick
But out by us its just 3,000 light years wide
We're 30,000 light years from galactic central point,
We go round every 200 million years
And our galaxy is only one of millions of billions
In this amazing and expanding Universe.

The Universe itself keeps on expanding and expanding
In all of the directions it can whizz
As fast as it can go, at the speed of light you know,
12 million miles a minute, and that's the fastest speed there
is.
So remember when you're feeling very small and insecure
How amazingly unlikely is your birth
And pray that there's intelligent life somewhere up in space
Because there' bugger all down here on earth.