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Edited on Fri Dec-24-04 03:34 AM by autorank
CHRISTMAS AND HANUKKAH ANNOUNCE MERGER
Dec. 24, 2004, NY, NY (IPI)
Continuing the current trend of large-scale mergers and
acquisitions, it was announced today at a press conference that
Christmas and Hanukkah will merge. An industry source said that
the deal had been in the works for about 1,300 years, ever since
the rise of the Muslim empire.
While details were not available at press time, it is believed that
the overhead cost of having 12 days of Christmas and eight days
of Hanukkah was becoming prohibitive for both sides. By
combining forces, we're told, the world will be able to enjoy
consistently high-quality service during the 15 Days of
Christmukah, as the new holiday is being called. Massive layoffs
are expected, with lords a-leaping and maids a-milking being the
hardest hit.
As part of the conditions of the agreement, the letters on the
dreidel, currently in Hebrew, will be replaced by Latin, thus
becoming unintelligible to a wider audience. Also, instead of
translating to "A great miracle happened there," the message on
the dreidel will be the more generic "Miraculous stuff happens." In
exchange, it is believed that Jews will be allowed to use Santa
Claus and his vast merchandising resources for buying and
delivering their gifts. In fact, one of the sticking points holding up
the agreement for at least 300 years was the question of whether
Jewish children could leave milk and cookies for Santa even after
having eaten meat for dinner. A breakthrough came last year when
Oreos were finally declared to be kosher. All sides appeared
happy about this.
A spokesman for Christmas, Inc., declined to say whether a
takeover of Kwanzaa might not be in the works as well. He merely
pointed out that, were it not for the independent existence of
Kwanzaa, the merger between Christmas and Hanukkah might
indeed be seen as an unfair cornering of the holiday market.
Fortunately for all concerned, he said, Kwanzaa will help to
maintain the competitive balance. He then closed the press
conference by leading all present in a rousing rendition of "Oy,
Come All Ye Faithful."
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