Predictions for 2005

[teach1st]

My turn!

Several prominent religious historians publish a meticulously documented paper virtually proving that nearly all of the original authors whose works collectively became know as The Holy Bible were almost certainly under the effects of various naturally-occuring psychoactive substances as they wrote. This sets off a near civil war among Christians. At the same time a new religious sect - The Holy Hippies - has its birth.

Jenna Bush quits teaching to become a police officer but is kicked out of the police academy mid-way through training for sticking her tongue out at a training officer. The officer who booted her is sent to fight in the Syrian conflict. Jenna goes on a "Sassy Christianity" tour with Paris Hilton, is dosed in Copenhagen, immediately joins the Holy Hippies, and is not heard from again.

The radical Christian right, now known as The Fighting Martyrs for Bush refutes the above paper publicly, but quietly demotes the Bible as the basis for its teachings and adopts instead the collective works of George W. Bush, who is made the first Dominionist saint.

All 23 pages of The Collected Works of Saint Bush, Volume I are published by the GPO with a detailed translation for English audiences.

Most members of the Holy Hippies, along with the authors of the report alleging psychoative substance use by the Bible's authors, are designated as spiritual terrorists and are placed -- under the Patriot Act 2 -- interminably in "re-spiritualization retreats."

According to the Bush administration, weapons of mass destruction are discovered in Iraq, setting off a new debate in the media about the destructive power and tactical range of cayenne-soaked spitballs.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg dies of severe cayenne poisoning; Jerry Falwell is confirmed as Supreme Court justice.

Following the revelations of 2004 election fraud and the resulting civil unrest in major cities, elections are deemed a threat to national security and subsequently ruled unconstitutional by the Supreme Court under the equal protection clause.

Dick Cheney is made the new National Democracy by Selection Act Elective Choice Facilitator in addition to his regular duties as Vice-President for Life, and is given sole power to choose state and national "elected" officials.

President for Life Saint George "pre-pardons" Karl Rove and Kenneth Blackwell for any part they may have played in the 2004 election fraud and orders investigations into wrongdoing stopped as "a first step in our much-needed national healing process."

Under the new Emergency Right Values Act, abortion, homosexuality, masturbation, Atheism, anti-patriotism, and "choosing an incorrect church" are all declared to be terrorist acts.

It is revealed by the now underground sect, The Holy Hippies, that Jesus Christ returned to Earth a while ago and is now a 17-year old female in Jacksonville, Florida, Jessica Christ. Except for the Girl's friends and the Holy Hippies, very few believe this. Christ was raped and impregnated by Her high school guidance counselor and, unable to get an abortion, She joins the military to support Her Child. She is sent to Iran and dies from injuries sustained in an RPG attack. Despite Her death, Jessica is said to have risen from the flag-draped coffin and She and Her Son are allegedly in hiding with the Holy Hippies. The Holy Hippies adopt the RPG launcher as their religious symbol.

[antigone382]

1. Giant Tsunamis, Chinese/Russian joint military ops, looming asteroids...

My prediction:

We're all gonna DIE!!!!

:scared:

[iconoclastic cat]

2. Nice! Write a novel, already.

[Xipe Totec]

3. Increasing violence in Iraq leading to the Elections,

followed by increasing violence following the elections.

Rumsfeld will point to the increase in violence as proof that he understands the situation in Iraq and deserves to remain in office.

Cheney will have his oil pump replaced along with another blown gasket during his annual tuneup. He will blame Clinton.

Exhausted from a 4 year vacation, George Bush will make a brief appearance at the White House for his second coronation on January 20th.

Condi will preside over yet another cluster fuck and have the CIA director accept responsibility and resign.

[teach1st]

4. Perhaps it could end with...

...the Holy Hippies stealing Christmas back from the fundies and making it once again a truly joyous occasion.

[iconoclastic cat]

5. Nah, don't force a happy ending.

Go with your intuition. What is the logical extreme, and where does it end?

[teach1st]

6. But I like happy endings!

Anyway, the logical flow would take longer than just one year to develop. The ending isn't included - yet.

After California Governor Arnold is impeached for his involvement with steroid trafficking, Saint Bush forcibly "excommunicates" California from the nation, which, by the way, is now officially called the United Christian States of America (UCSA). California becomes a sovereign nation.

California's first elected President, Ronald Reagan, Jr., legalizes drugs and all consensual adult sexual behavior and announces a general amnesty for any of its citizens jailed for non-violent drug use. The Holy Hippies are given political asylum in the nation of California.

Saint Bush designates California a terrorist state and initiates a public relations blitz aimed at convincing the citizens of the UCSA that God mandates an invasion of California to rid the world of the Holy Hippy scourge. Members of the Saint Bush cabinet hit the talk show circuit accusing California of efforts to build and launch noxious peyote missiles, capable of dosing most of the western states.

Supreme Court Justice Anthony Kennedy dies of severe peyote poisoning; Pat Robertson is confirmed as Supreme Court Justice.

Jenna Bush (last seen tripping in Copenhagen) resurfaces in California with the Holy Hippies, producing and coordinating incendiary pirated radio broadcasts blasting her father's administration along with The Fighting Martyrs for Bush from various Mexican, Canadian, and Californian locations into the United Christian States.

Under the FCC-influenced Emergency Patriotic Media Act, Fox becomes the official broadcast media for the UCSA. CNN and all other media organizations are nationalized under the Fox Network umbrella.

Jessica Christ and Jenna Bush become lovers. Mary Cheney defects from the UCSA and joins the Holy Hippies. The new head of the FCC, Bill O'Reilly, calling California "a stoned queer nation of dizzy drug terrorists," institutes a ban on the broadcast of any television show or movie produced in the country, even those from the years when California was a state. This causes riots in several Southern States.

Osama Bin Laden is captured in Tibet at a remote Buddhist monastery by agents of the Dali Lama. Secret negotiations with the UCSA give Bin Laden amnesty as long as he maintains the vow of silence he took when he became a Buddhist Monk.

Vice-President for Life Dick Cheney suffers another major heart attack and is fitted with a completely bionic heart.

The Collected Works of Saint Bush, Volume II is released. Its sixteen pages contain forty-seven variants the phrase "hard work," and it becomes known as the "Holy Hard Work Gospel." In this volume, Saint Bush publicly "pre-pardons" Bin Laden as a show of international goodwill.

Overextended from the still-smoldering Iraqi invasion, as well as the newer, less successful campaigns in Syria and Iran, the UCSA realizes it needs to institute a draft to be able to accomplish a successful California invasion.

A relapsed Rush Limbaugh sneaks into California from Mexico and attempts to join the Holy Hippies, but his application is denied. He instead undergoes a sex-change operation and marries Ann Coulter in a dignified ceremony in rehab somewhere in the Santa Cruz Mountains.

More to come?

[fluffernutter]

7. lol, this is great stuff, teach :)

keep it up :hi: