My husband is a tool (a rant)

[rene moon]

I am extremely pissed off right now, so bear with me...

My husband of 2 years has been working 12-14 hours days for the last 2 weeks. It sucks as we have different schedules (me days, he days/nights). I am on vacation right now (boss gave everyone the week off) and I have had the most boring time, mostly by myself since the hubby is gone most of the time. But I have been a good sport---checking in with friends, cleaning house, etc.

So, yesterday, I made plans with a friend to have lunch--my only plans of the day. I find out this morning that hubby doesn't have to work until 5pm. I ask, "do you want me to cancel lunch?", he says "no", I say "are you sure?" and he says yes because he wants to run errands and we got up really late and he is now pressed for time. I ask one more time, "are you sure" and he says "yes".

So, I go out to lunch, gone for little over an hour, come back home.
He's asleep when I get home, so I let him sleep and wake him up 45 minutes before he goes to work.

He wakes up mad that I went to lunch and that all I have done is complain to him that we haven't seen much of each other then I leave him high and dry for lunch. Then he complains that I never remember his schedule. WTF?!?!?!

He does this alot, turns things around on me, to make me feel like the bad guy and frankly, I am so F***ing sick of it. Tells me that I am being childish that I am now upset.

I'm not sure what to do---I did voice my frustration that we haven't seen it each other to him, he's working my whole vacation--but that I understood that was the way things are right now.

I can never tell him any frustrations like that because he says he understands, then like I suspected he would, he turns it around on me.

I just don't know what to do. help.

[Tweed]

1. He could have been pissed off because he just woke up

Especially if he was having a nice nap. I know I get pissed and yell things that I regret later after I wake up from a pleasant nap.

[GOPisEvil]

2. I certainly wish you all the best.

Perhaps you should consider counseling to assist you with communicating with your husband (who seems to have issues from what you're saying).

[rene moon]

5. I've thought about it

Thanks for the advice:)

[GOPisEvil]

6. It's the most I can offer as I've never been married.

Good luck! :-)

[bleedingheart]

3. I feel your pain...

Mr. B is just like that during his crunch times....and then when we don't get time together...some how it is my fault.

funny part is ...his boss made him take me out on a date because he was working too much....

[City of Mills]

4. You both might be suffering from....

Seasonal Affective Disorder, in addition to the stress of being away from each other. When the days are shorter and he's working long hours like that, he may not be getting enough daylight exposure and it may be dragging his mood down. I know because it's happening to me right now, and I've been too snippy and defensive with my wife. We've been talking about it today.

Good luck! :hi:

[Brundle_Fly]

7. Welcome to married life.

the best way to deal is not get mad, agree that time together is important and move on aknowledging that fact.

Stewing in anger is pointless.

[rene moon]

8. I try not to get mad

But I would like him to know that I am not happy about the treatment from him.

[neebob]

12. He already knows you're not happy, Rene

and you're not going to get what you need from him. This is someone who tells you not to cancel your lunch plans, then blames you for going ahead with them. Can you say "abuse"? Because that's what it is. Sorry.

[rene moon]

15. Maybe it is "abuse"

maybe he's just a tool---thanks for your advice

[neebob]

9. What?

Did you miss the part where he told her not to cancel lunch and then got mad at her for going?

[miss_kitty]

10. My brother is a husband

He too, is often a tool. He's started getting better. He's been married 28 years now.

PS your husband is being a passive-aggressive martyr.

[rene moon]

11. At the risk of looking like an idiot

what do you mean by "passive-aggressive martyr"?

[Flaxbee]

13. my husband does stuff like that

and it has almost driven me right out the door before. But we're right in the middle of structuring a business and I have no intention of walking out of all this work, plus, he's getting better about it as time goes by (we've been married 5 years).

But I'll make plans to go see my family across the country (he has no family left) and he'll be sooo supportive until about 2 weeks before I leave (he's made it clear he doesn't like to go and it's frankly easier w/o him so they're always solo trips for me) and then it's total meltdown on his part, sheer living hell until about a week after I get back. Encourage me to do something I wanna do, then attack me for it. I used to just fold and cry and wonder what I did wrong, now I've gotten to the point where I document his behavior so I can say: "No, on Oct. 6 you said it would be wonderful for me to see my mother, esp. since you don't have to go". Evidence has worked for me, but it all depends on the kind of guy your husband is. A lot of men, whether they'll admit it or not, think deep in their hearts they deserve to be the full center of your attention all the time. Some are just better at overcoming that rather egotistic impulse.

[SCRUBDASHRUB]

14. Communication is a two-way street. You held up your end of the

bargain (in fact, you did more than that, I'd say. You were extra considerate). Don't let him make you feel guilty for going to lunch; it's your time. You offered to change your plans. He said not to worry, so you didn't. Case closed.

Maybe look into some books at your local bookstore or library (like "Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus: A Practical Guide for Improving Communication and Getting What You Want in Your Relationships" by John Gray), or like someone suggested some marital counseling would be helpful. Here's wishing you luck! :)

[liberalhistorian]

16. Geez, every time I start

feeling bad about being almost 40 and never married, I read something like this and it makes me feel ever so much better! I wouldn't put up with that, btw, not at all; it sounds like he's trying to control you. Then again, what do I know, I've never been married, lol!