"He's Just Not That Into You" - An article for those reading the book

[Modem Butterfly]

I know Janesez and a few others are reading this book. This AM I found this article on Salon.com and thought you might be interested.

http://salon.com/mwt/feature/2004/12/06/hjntiy/index.html

I had heard a lot about "He's Just Not That Into You," the ubiquitous self-help book by Greg Behrendt and Liz Tuccillo, both formerly of HBO's "Sex and the City." The book was spun off from an episode of the series in which Carrie's boyfriend Jack Berger tells Miranda that her date didn't come up to her apartment for a reason no more mysterious than he "just wasn't that into her." Its message: A strong woman should stop imagining that the man in her life is treating her shoddily because he is busy, conflicted or suffering from bad cellular reception. She should move the hell on. Nip unpromising relationships in the bud by administering a brief, stinging torture (He does not like me) in place of an endless, agonizing one (Does he like me?) It's not a bad plan, though the book also advises women to ratchet down the aggression and reverts to that old Rules chestnut: Don't call him, he'll call you ... and fulfill your every wish if he's into you enough.

Published in September, the book has become a bestseller, with a million copies in print; a major movie deal is almost final. The tome's catchphrases ("Don't waste the pretty!") are peppering the female lexicon. One of my editors recently shrugged in response to a story pitch: "Eh. I'm just not that into it." My exchange with Anna Jane suggested that the book's philosophy had penetrated far enough into her psyche not only to make her reconsider her current dating life, but also to retroactively recast an old love affair. How could she reduce a relationship that involved so many heartbreaking complexities down to one simplistic evaluation? Does the book offer a one-line romantic litmus test that will free us all from regret and self-recrimination? Or is it just turning us in increasingly dizzying circles?

It made my stomach hurt. Were other people's deliciously painful memories of failed relationships being wiped clean, "Eternal Sunshine"-style, and replaced with this one-sentence mantra? I sent an e-mail to a handful of friends asking them about the phenomenon and urging them to pass my query along to their friends. Within 24 hours my inbox and voice mail were deluged with messages from women I didn't know. So great was the tidal wave of fascination with the HJNTIY craze that I received multi-paragraph missives and had long conversations about the book with women who had not read it.

[Mend]

1. I recommend the book....

I have known women "enslaved" in relationships for over ten years....dating situations that never go anywhere beyond what the men want, essentially sex and companionship on demand. For the women who want to find men, fall in love, get married, and get on with it, this book is cold water bath that actually gives some useful guidelines. Some men are always looking over their date's shoulders to see if they are missing something. It is time to blow the whistle on them while salvaging some self-esteem for women.

[blondeatlast]

2. If it gets women to take some initiative when it's needed,

I'm all for it.

I had a comfortable dating relationship with a younger guy for six years, but no talk of real commitment.

One day, I just told him: Marry me or I'm gone; I'm not getting any younger and I want to be part of a family. He had just never even considered it, but when it was put to him like that, he barely hesitated.

It isn't the stuff of a diamond commercial, but it did the job.

We'll be toasting 9 years in April.

[Mend]

3. That's great...and if he had dithered I am sure you

would have walked. That is the basic idea of the book. Glad you went for it.

[blondeatlast]

4. I'd made up my mind to do just that, but

I was pretty sure of his reaction, too! If I hadn't been, I might not have been so bold; he's a definite keeper!

[Bridget Burke]

5. It sounds like basic common sense, but

... sometimes you need to hear it from somebody other than your mom or best friend. A smart & witty presentation might be just the way to get the idea across.

Too many of the advice books seem to say either "all men are bastards" or "you are deeply screwed up". This one says neither.

[Mend]

6. Women empathize,

are agreeable and cooperative and find all sorts of excuses for bad behaviors. Good biologically-driven traits for raising kids without killing them, but narcissistic men exploit women to the nth degree.

[Left Is Write]

7. I could have used a book like that in my past.

I needed a wakeup call, and it took me too many years to wake *myself* up.

The reviewer refers to "deliciously painful" memories of failed relationships. Most of those memories for me are not "deliciously" painful. They're just painful, period.