I found a yuppie today

[Taverner]

Stray Businessman

Transcribed from: Comedy Central
Transcribed by: M. Howie



Bruce: Hi, Mom.

Scott: Hi, Corey. How was school?

Bruce: Oh, good.

Scott: Good. Anything special happen?

Bruce: No.

Scott: No? Well.

Bruce: Mom?

Scott: Yeah?

Bruce: Something happened after school today.

Scott: Oh God, I knew it. Are you alright?

Bruce: I'm okay, Mom. But I ran up with a little guy and he's a long way from home, so I thought-

Scott: Oh, Corey, you know how I feel about strays.

Bruce: Well, the least you can do is meet him.



Scott: No. Corey, there's no discussion here, what are you do-



Scott: Oh my God. Not a businessman.

Bruce: He comes to the name Mr. Stevenson.

Scott: Mr. Stevenson?



Scott: Oh, hello.



Scott: Thank you. Scoot, scoot, scoot!



Bruce: So Mom, I was thinking, d'you think it would be a really good idea or is it okay - Mom?

Scott: Yes?

Bruce: Can I keep Mr. Stevenson?



Scott: Oh... Corey, sit down, sit down.



Scott: Now, Corey, a businessman is a big responsibility. You have to fetch his coffee, screen his calls, change his paper every day. I'm sorry, a businessman is too big of a responsibility for a boy your age.

Bruce: Mom, I'm willing to put forth the work effort.

Scott: Oh, I think I've heard that song and dance before, young man. Remember the short-order cook you brought home?

Bruce: He was between things, Mom.



Scott: Kept me up all night making toast.

Bruce: He thought he was in a truck stop!

Scott: I'm still making toast soup.

Bruce: And I love your toast soup, Mom. I'm gonna get some right now.



Scott: Corey? Corey! I said no, and I meant no. Corey, N-O spells no!



Bruce: Yes! Y-E-S spells yes!

Scott: Don't you spell back at me, young man! Oh, you!

Bruce: Look at him, Mom! He's confused! He's trying to hail a cab!

Scott: Oh, well well well, isn't that cute! Stop flashing those boardroom eyes at me. That may work- listen, you, listen! That may work with the secretaries back at the office, but I run a shoe shop! Lookit, I see right through you!



Scott: I told you that the answer is no, I know exactly what you're all about. I am a rock, Corey! I'm unmovable!



Bruce: If I can't keep Mr. Stevenson, I'm gonna hold my breath until I turn gay!



Scott: Well, I suppose we could fix up the desk in the spare room. Come along.



Scott: We've already met.

Bruce: Yay! Yay! Super Mom! Super Mom!



Bruce: That's where Randy Yates lives. He's my best friend.



Bruce: Follow me - Cedar Place Junior High.





Bruce: Mr. Stevenson, are you okay? Are you alright? Here, try something to drink.



Bruce: That- oh, Mr. Stevenson! Mom! Mom! Mom!



Scott: What? What?



Scott: What is it? What? Shhhh.



Bruce: Mom, Mr. Stevenson is sick.

Scott: What?

Bruce: He's off his martinis. I just don't know what...

Scott: Oh, I see. How can I explain? Corey, you like school, don't you?

Bruce: Yeah.

Scott: You feel comfortable there?

Bruce: Sure.

Scott: Now, how would you feel if your school was 20,000 fathoms below the sea, and your teacher, instead of pretty Miss Maver, was rather Morda, the goat woman? And all you had to eat all day was potatoes and ice? How would you feel?

Bruce: Confused.

Scott: Exactly. Corey, Mr. Stevenson is a businessman, and what he needs you could never give him. For example, a promotion. There's no room for advancement here, and that is death to a businessman. Now, if you love Mr. Stevenson as much as I know you do, you'll do the right thing.



Dave: Hugala hugala hugala hugala hugala hugala hugala hugala hugala hugala, mmm. Ooooh.

Mark: Ooooh.

Dave: Hugala hugala hugala hugala hugala hugala hugala hugala hugala.



Dave and Mark: Ha ha ha ha ha!



Dave: Oh, taxi!

Mark: Taxi!

Dave: Taxi!



Mark: Taxi!

Dave: Taxi!

Kevin: Taxi!

Dave: Taxi!

Dave: Taxi!

Kevin: Taxi!

Dave: Taxi!



Bruce: Maybe I'll get a job in your company someday.



Dave: Taxi! Taxi!



Dave: Taxi!



Bruce: Bye, Mr. Stevenson.



Bruce: I did it. I took him back.

Scott: Oh. Corey? Today I passed a pet shop, and I saw the cutest little guy in the window.

Bruce: I don't want another pet, Mom.

Scott: Oh? Well, you'll have to tell him yourself, Corey, 'cause I just don't have the heart.



Scott: Y'know, he really seemed to take to me, but if you want to take him back, I guess it's your prerogative.



Bruce: Wow! Cooked oatmeal!

Scott: Yeah.



Scott: He's gonna need a lot of love.



Bruce: He likes me, Mom!

Scott: He likes you!

Bruce: He likes me! Mom?

Scott: Yeah?

Bruce: I'll call him Mr. Stevenson II.

Scott: That's my boy. Come on.



Credit to Kids in the Hall/Broadway Video