How do I best handle my son's pattern of deception?

[Just Me]

The "white lies" about failing to lock a door or feed the dogs or filching the change out of my purse or car has evolved to hiding his grades.

Now that I have discovered his "cover-up" (via a phone call to another parent in his presence), he is suddenly volunteering great productivity *LOL* either towards chores he previously complained about or a sudden active concern about organizing our home (he's actually taken it upon himself, today, to SORT and CLEAN *LOL*).

I told him he has no access to the computer (a huge privilege to him) until he personally requests and delivers a printout of his latest grades to me.

As the Momma of this 14-yr-old, a part of me thinks I should just march down to his school and get his grades. Another part of me thinks I should demand personal responsibility from this evolving adult (with follow-up and confirmation, naturally *LOL*).

Of course, the foregoing is a simplification of the nuances (precluding my feelings of betrayal, his desire to be trusted and be in control of his life,....and all those multi-faceted parts). But, you prolly get the idea.

I'd appreciate some contributions,...about how to "balance" this responsibility called "parenting".

Thanking you all in advance.

[tridim]

1. I hid my grades once.

In Jr. High, I got my first 'C' and I was so freaked out that I told my Mom they were mailing out grade cards later. She called the school too and I was busted. I guess I would have liked my parents to have a talk with me about grades before it happened. They knew I had trouble in some classes because I was bored and I only wanted to draw. I hated the stress, but at the time I just didn't care much about social studies.

[elehhhhna]

2. I feel your pain.

My 11 year old didn't want to unload the dishwasher yesterday, claiming a super-duper sore arm from crashing on her skateboard.

She gave herself a blue bruise using eyeshadow and completely fooled my husband.

Now she's "mad" because "nobody ever believes me!"

Gosh Good Luck.

IMHO he needs to get his grades asap, himself, and I'd keep him off the computer. etc. until he flies right--how long THAT takes is up to him.

[nini]

3. Get in his face, go to the school and take matters into your hands

He needs to know NOW you're not going to sit back and wait for him to do the right thing regarding any of this. Take over and hold him accountable for everything he does wrong. If he straightens out again you can back off but you are surely being tested now and owe it to him to make sure he knows you will go to the school etc.. to get to the heart of what is going on.

Good luck. teenagers can make you crazy.

[Just Me]

4. You epitomize my struggle between "controlling" and asserting,...

,...a relentless expectation of responsibility.

He must be "given" both the weight and encumbrance of personal responsibility (in my struggling, humiliating, parental view).

If I march down to the school and take matters into my hands,...I am being "controlling",...rather than demanding that he live up to HIS responsibilities.

I really prefer to avoid controlling his life,...and want to demand that he take responsibility for his life (especially the part over which he has total control,...like, reporting his grades to me).

[Karenina]

7. I'm doing the

"make him report to me" thing. It's HIS TRIP. I need information and he is responsible to provide it.

[nini]

12. you're not controlling.. you're parenting

You said he's not doing what he is supposed to be doing, you've asked him to bring you the grades and other things and he hasn't done it. Sometimes you have to control them for their own good until they step up and do the right things.

I do have a concern with the grades thing.. Is he hiding something on that one? That would be why I'd go down and get them myself and apply the appropriate punishment if they're not what they're supposed to be.
I don't know your kid and I hope it's not - but the average teenager may not want their parents to see the grades at all which is why he keeps putting it off.

Thank God I don't have a teenager to deal with anymore! aaahhhh

I wish you well.

[miss_kitty]

5. I'd ask a professional child counselor-experienced w/ teens

If trouble's abrewin' it would be nice to not make matters worse.

Sometimes becoming aggressive and smashing the kid down can cause what seems to be, on the surface, calm and cooperation, but really, you can drive him to become more secretive and devious using the wrong tactics.

This behaviour is the symptom of a deeper problem, not the problem itself. It behooves you and your child, as well as the rest of your family to realise this.

I wish you wisdom and skill in dealing with your son. :)

[Padraig18]

6. I'd get in his face about it RIGHT NOW!

I'd also seek professinal counseling, because someone who is well on the way to becoming a pathological liar at age 14 is DEEPLY troubled.

[miss_kitty]

11. Speaking as a former teen who exhibited similar behaviour

that is not effective. It becomes a power struggle between two human beings, not a teen receiving parental guidance.

It seems that is what the OP is trying to avoid. I don't blame her-I was attacked with that sort of vociferousness by my parents, and I turned into 'go along to get along'-on the surface, appearing to do the bidding of the parents, but actually being more and more devious, and getting away with much more shit.

And my parents' 'in my face' style turned into the 'way it was done' for all conflicts, and I must say, was very unpleasant for all.

That's why I suggest consulting a professional for guidance. She said she wants to balance, not pretend she 'won.'

And a little lying and petty theft does not a pathological liar make.

[amazona]

8. i was deceptive as a teen

I just didn't want adults in my business. Nothing personal. I didn't want teachers in my business either. My mom made it about her, but I think (hope) she now knows that it wasn't. It is an age when you separate from your parents and since we are not a society where a 14 year old can live independently then lies are one way to separate your identity.

I guess I am saying, sure, you need to handle the lies. But don't assume the kid is a bad kid or a pathological liar for life or anything. Could be the kid just needs more distance.

Sounds like you are handling it pretty well actually.

The conservation movement is a breeding ground of communists
and other subversives. We intend to clean them out,
even if it means rounding up every birdwatcher in the country.
--John Mitchell, US Attorney General 1969-72

[TrustingDog]

10. Your advice is good.

I know when I hit those troublesome spots with my girl , looking back, it was just as much my doing as hers. I wasn't able to sit back and relax and let her find her own way of dealing with things (she already knew the rules well enough), I felt I had to control everything for her safety and learning and lifeskills sake. This was done with the best of intentions but made her feel pressurized and lacking, which turned into combativeness.

I found that the more I could 'identity' with her problems (bring up similar situations in my teen years where I screwed up a few times or three), the more likely she would talk about and be able to correct herself.

[put out]

9. I have a fifteen year old.

So, when you get this all figured out, PM me.

But until you do, were I you, I'd ride his guilt trip as far as I could. It might make him feel better to come to my house and sort and clean. LOL but I sure wouldn't mind.

Too strict hurts them in the long run. Too permissive hurts them in the long run. All you gotta do, mama, is be perfect all his life.

Keep the faith. :)
Another Mother