I really miss Marie

[TheZoo]

It's been 2 years, I can't help it. I am doing better than last year, at least I'm not thinking about anything bad. At the same time, nothing seems to have changed, I still can't make the transaction from "Widower, Married 9 years" to "37 year old Bachelor."

Sorry for the mini-vent/rant, I just don't know what to think any more. The one question / statement that I get told is "Go out and do something you like!" The problem is, I still don't know what that is!

[ScreamingMeemie]

1. I don't think your feelings will, or should, ever change. It's been such

a short time when you think of the scope of your life. You expected her to be around much longer than she was. My advice? Be easy on yourself, there's no time limit for grief...no moment when" that's enough, get up and go". And all I can give you is a hug...and some tears for what should have been. I am so sorry.

:hug:

[radwriter0555]

2. Well, how about working with some people who need some help?

Volunteer at a hospital children's ward, or in a nursing home ... a homeless shelter, the American Cancer Society. Or even in the Animal Shelter. Be a Big Brother... I know they're desperate for volunteers to spend time with really great kids who need a bit of a break.

Being needed makes us feel better. We're all looking for love, especially when a good, long love has been lost.

There are so so so so many lonely people out there. You're lonely too, so you all should hook up.

Most importantly, do something that would remind Marie of the cool guy she spent the rest of her life with...

((((((Huge hugs honey)))))))

[SlavesandBulldozers]

3. a small consolation

think of Marie smiling on any decision you make. Know that she wants you to be happy with the life you have been given, and that she waits patiently in the hereafter.

[TheZoo]

4. Thanks Soundgarden

I just wish I could hurry the process and see her sooner.

[Cheswick2.0]

5. Oh TZoo, I am sorry

I know it is hard to lose someone and miss them day after day. Please hang on, life is too beautiful to waste and your wife wouldn't want you to. It will get easier and you will find reasons to be happy. Maybe someday even another woman you can love and who will love you. Isn't that what Marie would tell you?

[TheZoo]

7. I can't hang on....nor can I not hang on.

Yes, what you wrote is what Marie would say. I wish I could believe that life was "beautiful" but it's not. There's too much pain in the world.

[Bossy Monkey]

6. There is no time limit on "giving it time"-- and you know Marie would want

you to be happy. Thinking of you, and kicking the thread for further best wishes.

[SOteric]

8. I'm sorry for you loss, - and I understand, truly.

Some years ago the man I lived with and loved for more than 5 years died. It's not something you get over, but the texture of the grief changes. For me it went from a searing pain, a sense of emotional amputation to a strange sense that one is sitting in a dark room with a silent, angry companion.

There are many others who like us, are young and have lost life companions. Finding them can be a genuine source of emotional support.

Too many young folk in our society are uncomfortable and awkward around the subject of death, though they mean well. I've actually had people say to me "at least this happened while you're still young and you can find someone else." I know that the woman who said this only meant to comfort me. I'd suggest that I almost prefer silence, but many of our mutual friends dropped me from the social circle, for the most part out of the mistaken belief that I wanted to be alone and any fun we had would be unbearable to me. Silence is all that helpful either.

I hope that there are some joys in your life that anchor you to life. Some family, a job you love, a pet, some dear friends.

My unsolicited advice is to find a support group for widows and widowers, or those who suffer grief. Some days it just feels remarkably good to know that you have people in your life who've been there, felt your pains and frustrations.

You may send me a private message any time if you feel you just need someone to talk with.

:hug:

[Ladyhawk]

27. Too many people are terrible advice-givers.

That's why I think it's best to just listen to someone who is in pain. Let them tell you how they feel.

I hate the "at leasts." "At least it happened when you were still young to find someone new." Screw that. Pain is pain. And saying the words "at least" minimizes the real pain someone is feeling. It's best to say nothing. To listen. And if it's acceptable, to give that person a hand or a hug.

Lou, I got the horse right here. I'm not going to give you advice. Just information. First of all, let me say I'm no doctor. However, I have gone through long bouts of Depression and I think what you are feeling is anhedonia, a loss of the sense of pleasure from things that used to give you pleasure. It may be that your mind is stuck on wishing Marie were there to enjoy it with you. :(

If you are experiencing anhedonia, I doubt you feel like doing much of anything. Never feeling pleasure not only takes the joy out of life, but also takes away motivation. I'm in the middle of a great bout with anhedonia right now. I don't even eat most of the time. My apartment looks like it was cleaned by the three stooges.

Usually, when I experience a lack of pleasure in everything (anhedonia), I also feel guilty because I've lost the motivation to work, to do what needs to be done. Then the worse things look, the worse I feel. The more alone I am, the more I feel I will always be alone.

Does any of this sound familiar or am I just making it worse? I'm trying not to offer advice, only to let you know that others feel some of these things, too--although no one will ever feel exactly the same way you do.

Send me another PM. Let's talk on IM again. I, for one, enjoy your company. And I'm sure Marie's cats, do, too.

[hussar]

9. I feel your pain

A few years ago I lost my parents within 3 months of each other, I still get down when I think back, that pain will never leave but somehow you have to control it.

I would go see a counselor and talk about it, don't bottle them emotions inside, it worked for me.

Good luck, you can pm me too if it might help.

[caledesi]

10. My heart goes out to you TZ...I mean that.

My ex-husband dumped me after 7 year out of nowhere and it took a long, long time for the hurt to subside, but it did and I met someone else who truly loves me. This reminds me of that song by Ray Charles "They say that time heals a broken heart, but time has stood still since we've been apart." I can't Stop Loving You

I know that "kicked in the gut" feeling, esp when you wake up in the morning. TZ, 2 years isn't really a long time, everyone is different and we sensitive ones takes longer - don't beat yourself up over it. I did that for the longest time, I drank a lot and kept asking myself "Why aren't you over this - it's been 4 years." Well, I wasn't over it and it did take awhile, but the point it that eventually you will start viewing life differently and be open to another relationship.

BTW, you are a handsome man! I really admire you BECAUSE you didn't just run out and hook up w/ someone else bec of loneliness. (most men and some women do) and only because they are the "walking wounded."

[TheZoo]

11. Thank you caledesi & SOteric

And everyone else for your thoughts and prayers. I'd call myself a basketcase, but that would probably insult basketcases everywhere.

I think lately my theme songs are "Nowhere Man" by the Beatles and "Since You're Gone" by the Cars; there's also a "Love Stinks" by J Geils in there. The radio is playing "Photograph" by Ringo; I think I need to throw it out or the tears will start in earnest.

At this point, I still can't think of going out with anyone; as strange as it sounds, it would be "cheating" on Marie. Besides, I still have HER cats to watch after. I have been told by friends and family that I should get rid of them, and that's usually followed by me either hanging up on them or turning my back.

Lou

[Lady President]

24. Give yourself time

I have never been married, so I can't imagine the extent of your grief, but to me 2 years isn't that long to mourn. I believe that there are no wrong or right ways to grieve. If you feel that dating would be "cheating," then don't. Simple as that. Who's business is it whether you date right now or not? No one's. Do what feels best for you. There may be a time somewhere in the future when you'll be ready, but wait until it you're comfortable with the idea.

As for the cats... I have to admit that I'm feeling some anger towards your friends and family, even though I know they mean well, for suggesting you get rid of them. I'm sure they remind you of her, but it's not like you would forget her if they had new homes. Animals love unconditionally and it sounds like you need that right now. Besides, they lost their mommy and need you to take care of them. One thing I know for absolute certain, if you meet a woman who doesn't want you because the cats were Marie's, then run.

Sorry, no advice, but I'll send positive vibes your way (not a praying type of person).

[Ladyhawk]

29. You need time to heal before you can "go out" with another woman.

You're obviously not healed yet. Of course, there will always be that hole, but it isn't healed enough for you to go out with other women or you wouldn't feel like you were cheating on Marie.

I think the cats could be a conduit to healing. They remind you of Marie, so watching their antics hurts and feels good at the same time, probably. Once you can simply smile at the cats, you will know that you have healed a bit.

[Ladyhawk]

28. Yes, above all, don't let others dictate when you should be "over it"

Hear this woman. She is so right!

[ronzo]

12. My heart goes out to you.

You and I are the same age, so it hits home. A couple of years ago, my wife went through a real health scare and I had to think about what it would be like without her. That in itself was enough to crush me. A year before that, my mother-in-law passed away (three years ago), and we had to be a real crutch for Pop. His first year was the worst, of course, but in the last year he's made (what I guess I'd call) progress. Hang in there, brother... talk about it when you need to. We're here for you.
Sincerely, my heart goes out!
Ron

[cally]

13. I'm sending lots of

(((((hugs)))))) Just know that you have many folks who care and you are needed in this world.

[TheZoo]

15. Probably not

On either case. I got *1* email from both our families; I can excuse Marie's because they're probably as bad as me right now. I got an email from my brother who hasn't talked to me since the funeral (10/4/01) and I know my dad told the rest of my siblings to ask about me.

I really don't think anyone cares too much about me, it's not like I made an impact on anyone on the planet.

[indigo32]

17. I wouldn't assume that noone cares

people aren't always good at saying thank you or that they care.
I'm terribly sorry for your loss. It will take just as long as it takes... don't let anyone make you feel like you should be over it.

[TheZoo]

22. I understand indigo

And right now, I feel something that I haven't felt before - I feel dead inside. I hate this feeling, and I have talked to "professionals" about it and all they offer is legal drugs.

I am pretty much used to the fact of being alone, but not lonely. I guess that's a good sign?

[Ladyhawk]

31. I have felt dead inside before.

It's sort of a numbness my body attains when my brain feels like there's no longer a point to anything. Sometimes I even get this bizarre feeling that I'm behind myself, operating the controls. Depersonalization. Disassociation.

You can feel alive again. I've been through that feeling and found myself feeling alive again. Of course, I relapse. I am relapsing, but I want you to know it is possible to feel alive again.

[Ladyhawk]

30. Dude, you've made a hell of an impact on me.

You talked to me when I was hurting. You made me laugh. You made me sing. You made me feel a bit of hope. You took time to do these things.

You matter.

[newyawker99]

34. Not true Zoo. We all care about you. You are always

in my thoughts and I know that there will come a point when you will feel better again. As long as Marie is in your thoughts she is alive and will always be with you.

Drop me a line whenever you can. I would love to hear from you!


:loveya:

[Pithlet]

14. I'm so sorry

I've never experienced such a loss and can't imagine the level of pain you've experienced. Two years isn't a very long time. My heart ached for you reading your post. I don't have any advice or anything, I just wanted to let you know you'll be in my thoughts.

[proud patriot]

16. ((((Hug)))

:loveya:

[JanMichael]

18. Sometimes doing things just for the sake of it is counterproductive.

Do something you like? Well that's easy for someone that hasn't had your experiance to say but it certainly doesn't make it simple for you.

You'll break out when you're ready.

This is the first that I've heard about your loss and you have my sincere condolances (for whatevr that's worth).

Best of luck.

[LeftCoast]

19. I'm so sorry.

I can't imagine what it must be like for you. I would urge you to talk to a counselor or some other professional. It can really help.

Hope you start to feel better soon!

[TheZoo]

21. Been there, done that

I've talked to Priests, and now I'm a Born Again Athiest.

I've had all the cool drugs, not much else has changed.

Thanks for the ideas, I appreciate it.

[Ladyhawk]

33. You don't need god to be happy.

At least, that's what happy atheists have told me. I'm an atheist, freethinker, bright, non-religious...whatever.

(I was Depressed as a Christian, too, so atheism isn't causing the problem, although I think many people who can believe in some kind of entity that loves them may gain a little peace of heart. My personal opinion is that it is the placebo effect. To those of you who believe, that's fine. Thomas Jefferson was a Deist who didn't believe in the concept of a god who was active in the lives of people, but he did say something to the effect, "It matters not if my neighbor believes in ten gods or none. It doesn't pick my pockets." In other words, I guess we need to find a way to get along.

(Personally, I can't believe in a loving god any more than I can believe in the Easter Bunny, so it does me no good.)

[maxanne]

20. Zoo

losing someone you love is the worst thing there is.

There is no timetable for grief - it takes as long as it takes, and anyone who tells you otherwise doesn't understand it.

AlmostMr.Maxanne and I broke up five years ago. We were going to live happily ever after, and all that jazz. I fell apart after we broke up. I cried for months - literally. To the point where my friends were yelling at me. I was really unhinged, and that was followed up with a year long bout of suicidal depression.

I finally chose to live - and had to do some hard work in order to ensure better mental health. For years after though, I cried about him on many occasions. This past year he started seeing someone else.
It didn't kill me. It didn't even make me cry. I will always love him, but he wasn't right for me. I wouldn't be doing the great things I am doing now if I'd married him. I'll always be alone - but I have great friends and important work to do.

You will never stop loving Marie, or missing her. The pain will just become easier to bear. One way toward that goal is to have someone to talk to. Talking lightens the load. There are grief support groups and counselors - something to think about.

Getting outside yourself is probably a good idea. As it happens, this is a really good time to get involved in a political campaign. It's a good way to meet like minded people, have some fun, and do something valuable as well.

You said you aren't sure about what you like to do. Try things. Take some chances. Try things you've always wanted to try. Learn how to drive a motorcycle. Skydive. Join a book group. Take music lessons. Take a college class. Get involved with what's happening in your community. There's plenty to do. Keep trying till you find what fits.

Remember to breathe, TZ. Be easy on yourself.

[MSchreader]

23. Zoo

I cannot offer you any more consoling words than those already posted here. The best thing I can offer is friendship and an opportunity for cameraderie. If you're in Michigan (I'm guessing K'Zoo), you're welcome to come east and join the other MI DUers for our gathering in Detroit. If you're interested, DUMail me.

Martin

[comsymp]

25. Same here- 9 yrs, widowed in '98 at 35

Would love to be able to tell you that it goes away, but it doesn't. A couple years later I met a wonderful human being and we've been pretty happy ever since. I think you'll get my meaning when I say "happier than I probably deserve to be." But, despite the fact that the 2 of 'em would probably be best of friends, they're totally different people and George has in NO way been a replacement.

But even now, there are verry few days that Chip doesn't cross my mind- usually stupid little things but they hit at the damnedest times, and I still get a little down at Christmas and his b'day (10/10).

Hate to sound trite but the pain isn't necessarily a bad thing- as long as you're feeling *something* you must still be alive, right?

All you can do is keep on getting up in the morning. Your loss won't go away, nor will all the pain and (thank God) memories. But things will eventually become more bearable and you'll be able to remember Marie more often with a smile than with pain. And when it's time for you to "get out and go do something", you'll know.

[FlaGranny]

26. From sad experience,

I know what you are feeling. I was 27 when I lost my first husband. We'd been married 10 years. We were youngsters when we married. Then 15 years later I lost my only daughter at age 21. Fifteen years ago it was my dad, and two years ago my mother. I still miss them all.

Hang in there. It DOES get better with time. Time is the only real cure. You don't need to know what it is you enjoy. Just do things, anything. Go bowling or go to a ballgame or something at least once a week. Do anything and everything whether you feel like it or not. Eventually, you will find you are enjoying things. You will think sad thoughts less and less. Eventually, you will be able to remember your life with her without pain.

The only person who still brings me pain when I think about her is my daughter, and this is after more than 20 years. But even so, my life is a happy one and I don't dwell on it any more.

I would suggest, as have some others, that perhaps some counseling may be what you need to help you deal with your feelings. After two years, you should be feeling some improvement - but everyone is different. :hug:

[SoCalDem]

32. Your grief will end when you are ready for it to end..

I did not grieve over death of a loved one, but I know a little of your pain.. Our first child had a severe birth defect, and we grieved a LONG TIME over "what could have been".. Every parent has this mental image of how their child's life will play out, and when mother nature throws you a big ole curve ball, it knocks you on your ass..

Because your wife died at such a young age, just as you were starting out, you not only lost HER, but you lost "what could have been"..

You probably feel guilty too, that you will move through life and will experience things that you "knew" you would experience together, and the fact that you might enjoy them, makes it somehow wrong, since she cannot share it.. This is NORMAL.. And at your age, there are so many couples, that it's got to hurt to see them everywhere and you are only half of a couple..

An early death is scary for friends too, because it brings mortality right up in their face.. You might be a reminder, to the friends you had as a couple, that it "could happen" to them as well..

You may never "get over" her, but then why would you even want to?? She was a part of what makes you, YOU..

When you are ready, you will expand your horizons.. And as for seeing women, make some female friends.. We are really more empathetic than men :), and you CAN have a platonic female friend.. Womoen are good at networking, and who knows? A new circle of friends might spring up for you..

Start small...try something new.. take a pottery class, join a bowling league.. tutor a kid.. just set aside a few hours a week just for YOU.. Don't be afraid of letting her recede.. She will always be in your heart and in your brain.. Just don't let the loss of her be your ONLY existence...

Sorry to be so long winded, but I needed to let you know that even though our feelings were caused by different events, I DO know your pain too.:(

J