Genuine (Hilarious) Irish Personal Ads

[corksean]

"Personal ads" in the Dublin News or How can you possibly not love the Irish?

Heavy drinker, 35, Cork area. Seeks gorgeous sex addict interested in a man who loves his pints, cigarettes, Glasgow Celtic Football Club and starting fights on Patrick Street at three o'clock in the morning.

Bitter, disillusioned Dublin man, lately rejected by longtime fiancee, seeks decent, honest, reliable woman, if such a thing still exists in this cruel world of hatchet-faced bitches.

Ginger haired Galway man, a troublemaker, gets slit-eyed and shirty after a few scoops, seeks attractive, wealthy lady for bail purposes, maybe more.

Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon, seeks attractive 21 year old blonde lady, with a lovely chest.

Devil-worshipper, Offaly area, seeks like-minded lady, for wining and dining, good conversation, dancing, romantic walks, and slaughtering cats in cemeteries at midnight under the flinty light of a pale moon.

Limerick man, 27, medium build, brown hair, blue eyes, seeks alibi for the night of February 27 between 8 PM and 11:30 PM.

Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister.

[MrScorpio]

1. GOD! I could have so much fun in Ireland

Let's party!

[Reverend_Smitty]

2. I want to move to Ireland now!

you gotta admire their honesty

[On the Road]

3. That's Great!

I love the "Limerick man...seeks alibi."

[demnan]

4. I might even answer some of those

especially "Bad tempered, foul-mouthed old bastard, living in a damp cottage in the arse end of Roscommon" -

I really like a guy who can tell the truth.

My answer:

Hi, I'm a 47 year old lady with a lovely chest, but you'll have to take my fat ass with it!

[BlueJazz]

19. ...But I hear that it's a Lovely Fat Ass!

:)

[Amaya]

5. That 's funny!!

I'm moving to Ireland

:)

[CottonBear]

6. What does getting "shirty" mean?

I assume a few scoops = a few pints. Thanks for translating for us!

[corksean]

8. Shirty = looking for trouble (you were right about "scoops")

[CottonBear]

BTW, how's the pub smoking ban going?

They've banned smoking before 11pm in bars, clubs and restaurants in my town in Georgia. I find it much more pleasant. The ban has caused an increase in the developemnt of outdoor patio and sidewalk cafe dining areas!

[corksean]

18. I assume your weather is better than ours...

You can freeze your watsits off having to smoke outside here. On the plus side a new phenomenon has been reported in the media called Smirting, flirting while outside for a smoke.

[CottonBear]

21. Smirting! I'll work that word into a conversation this weekend!

Yes, our weather here in Northeast Georgia is wonderful. Today it is sunny and about 60 degrees F. It's been a mild winter so far. When it's been really cold (20 was our low so far) it has been dry. No complaints about the weather here.
I would love to travel to Ireland. My ancestors came from Northern Ireland in the 1700's. There is an equine vacation I want to take where one rides during the day, stays at a lovely old home and drinks pints of Irish beer at night.

[corksean]

22. Here's a pic of my "lovely old home" and you're welcome any time

You sort out the horses, I'll sort the beer....

[CottonBear]

25. What a lovely home you have!

What architectural style would that be? I like the red doors.

If I make it over there we'll have to go have a pint together.

[corksean]

30. It's an old coach house, circa 1820 (haven't found all the details yet)

Thanks for the compliment about the house. As far as I know it has 2 claims to fame.
1. J.M. Barrie (wrote Peter Pan) lived here for a while
2. It's haunted. I heard that from neighbours before we moved in but saw nothing until recently when I saw the figure of a middle aged woman in what appeared to be early 20th century maids clothes (long grey dress, white apron) in the kitchen. Lasted a few seconds then just faded away. (And yes, I was sober)

[Zuni]

28. smirting is nothing new here in Maryland

Smoking has been banned in most public places for ages, so I have found that many girls i met were outside smoking

[tk2kewl]

7. Funny shit!

I am a U.S. citizen, and a foreign born Irish citizen.

I haven't been to Ireland in over 20 years and never as an adult. I've been wondering if living in Ireland could be more fulfilling than living in the U.S.

Any thoughts?

[corksean]

11. We'd love to have you. Check this out for starters...

Ireland leads world for quality of life

UK comes 29th in global happiness survey

Owen Bowcott
Thursday November 18, 2004
The Guardian

Ireland is easily the best country in the world to inhabit, according to a quality of life survey which relegates the United Kingdom to a second-division ranking.

The ambitious attempt to compare happiness around the world is based on the principle that wealth is not the only measure of human satisfaction.

http://www.guardian.co.uk/population/Story/0,2763,1353553,00.html

[JohnKleeb]

14. I am glad to see Ireland doing well

A lot better off than when my great great grandparents left.

[tk2kewl]

17. Yeah, I remember hearing that on the radio in November

I love the sea. Right now I live on a canal off of the Great South Bay on Long Island, and keep a boat at a dock behind the house.

Are there communities in Ireland where you can have a boat?

[corksean]

20. Everywhere! I live near the coast and there are three boat / yacht clubs

within a 5 mile radius. The oldest yacht club in the world is just outside Cork. It's quite a big thing here.

[The Backlash Cometh]

16. It was ranked as one of the best places to live.

But, don't expect them all to be Hollywood Irish and greet you with wide open arms. And for God's sake, don't greet them with "Top of the morning." Katie Couric did this on one of her morning shows when she was over there and I died a million deaths of shame for her.

[DulceDecorum]

9. About those Irish Personal Ads ......

http://www.museumofhoaxes.com/hoax/weblog/comments/1314/

[corksean]

13. OK you got me. Still funny though, and I have seen genuine ads

not unlike those...

[DulceDecorum]

26. I LOVED them too

but was a tad disapointed
when I couldn't get ahold of any of the people.
Being a determined old cuss, I just had to find out why.

[Bridget Burke]

24. Hoaxes or not.....

Someone had the wit to string those words together.

[Zuni]

29. exactly

I assumed they were pranks thrown into the classifieds to get a good laugh

[redqueen]

10. I just love Irish men

I do!

[corksean]

31. Sorry, posted to wrong thread

[mopinko]

12. rofl

weeping, wetting my pants.

[underpants]

15. ROTFLMAO-hatchet-faced bitches and the cemetery thing

I doubt those are real but they are hilarious

[dback]

23. Y'know, after seeing "Intermission" & "Cowboys and Angels..."

...I was seriously wondering a bit about the Irish, especially the random bursts of incredible violence (which may or may not be alchohol-fueled). I dismissed such notions as unfair sterotypes and generalizations.

I feel SO vindicated. :)

[Zuni]

27. This is just classic

Optimistic Mayo man, 35, seeks a blonde 20 year old double-jointed supermodel, who owns her own brewery, and has an open-minded twin sister.

[Bok_Tukalo]

32. Hey! That guy from Dublin pinched my personal ad!

<eom>

[LiviaOlivia]

33. kick

[Pooka Fey]

34. I love this post. You might be seeing a Great Migration

of Americans back (home) to Erin in the next few years. I'm looking into it, to see if I can figure out how to pull it off.