Need advice re: wife/baby

[Can o Beans]

All righty. It has happened (we think)...Mrs. o Beans believes that she is about to commence with the childbearing process, for the very first time.

Needless to say, this can be a joyous occasion. However, I must inform you that I personally have (a) never been around a baby, (b) tend to think that crying babies in restaurants/airports/casinos etc. are rather annoying, and (c) most importantly, have never been around a pregnant woman for more than perhaps one hour per day.

Ladies, gentlemen, please offer your solicited advice to the Can. Particularly, can you set up some general guidelines and expectations that I can follow so as to avoid getting myself in some sort of major chaos or trouble in the next 7 months and beyond?

Thanks in advance, I need the help.

CoB

[villager]

1. there will be much bonding, and much much sleep deprivation

you'll be in a kind of hazy, hallucinogenic state for awhile. Get a lot of help from friends & family -- if they offer to cook/clean, etc. for you -- let them!

Also, you may want to keep an eye for postpartum depression in your wife. It happens. Happened with mine. Can add to the stress of the sleep deprivation, if all parties aren't on top of things.

Oh -- and changing cloth diapers really isn't all that hard, once you get the knack.

And being a parent, btw, is great. My ex-babies are 10 & 5, now. The love is profound.

[Can o Beans]

8. Well, that sounds about like my normal state...

so the first part is OK.

I will watch for the depression, thanks for the tip.

The odds of CoB being able to figger out a cloth diaper according to most updated Vegas odds: 7:1

Thanks!

[yardwork]

40. LOL! You're going to have to try harder than that!

Tip #1: Learn to do what is required, including changing diapers and bathing babies. My husband became the "baby-washer." He washed the babies every day until they were old enough to lock him out of the bathroom. They all had a lot of fun and I appreciated it a lot.

[ewagner]

10. Some small bits of advice

first, crying babies don't annoy nearly as much when they are yours....although you might be hyper-sensitive to your baby's crying when you are in a public place........

Once you realize that the little bundle is YOUR flesh and bones (so to speak) you will become inseperable....otherwise known as BONDED.

And lastly, ENJOY EVERY MOMENT: SAVOR EVERY MOMENT. The day will come all too soon when you look at the child waving goodbye in the rearview mirror.....they're only on LOAN to us for 18 years or so....

[villager]

13. yeah, the time moves damn fast...

all those cliches turn out to be true.

The song "Turn Around" will now brinig tears to your eyes, from here on out...

[ewagner]

25. too true, far, far too true n/t

[mike_c]

2. lot's of business travel helps....

Dude, you are so screwed. Congratulations, I think....

[Can o Beans]

11. LOL.

Indeed. I must admit I laughed. Whether it was at you or me, I am not sure.

[northzax]

3. is there any way you could get transferred

to say Abu Dhabi for the next 2 years or so? that would help.

[unblock]

4. something that i just know in my heart:

there is a HUEUEUEUEUEUEUEUEGE difference between OTHER peoples' babies and YOUR babies.

oh, and, you WILL get yourself in some sort of major chaos or trouble in the next 7 months and beyond.

the trick is realizing that that's ok.

[Can o Beans]

14. I am very much hoping...

that you are spot on correct. Otherwise, could be a long 18 years...

[Midlodemocrat]

32. LOL. I remember when I was pregnant for the first time

and seeing babies crying in restaurants, I would smugly say to my husband that 'our baby will never behave like that', which ended up being true because we never went out with them. I figured why spend money to have a meal ruined when I could have it ruined at home for free?

Anyway, on New Year's Day, another couple, hubby, me and 10 kids between 8-14 went for dinner to a lovely restaurant on the lake. They weren't bad per se, but I did end up apologizing to the pregnant couple next to us.

Moral of the story: It can be the greatest thing you have ever done.

Now I have to go take my daughter to the doctor....flu.

[mahina]

5. Watch "Kolya". Today.

It's a great movie and I think you will really benefit from seeing it.
The trailer doesn't even begin to explain why, but trust me.
http://www.netflix.com/MovieDisplay?movieid=60010557&trkid=73
Plus the velvet revolution is in the pic, something all good dems should accquaint themselves with.

Of course crying babies are irritating. They are crying for a reason, it's how they tell you things are in need of change. :)

That is this..."she is about to commence with the childbearing process" bit, btw? You're in too brah...hope you love the movie, have fun with it all!

[Can o Beans]

15. Cool.

I will check that out...

And I admit, I am still not quite in the frame of mind that it is "us" yet...not that I am a shirker, it's just that everything else in life is either "you" or "me".

[gollygee]

6. We lived your life

Neither of us knew anything about babies, we both got annoyed by babies who cried in public, we didn't know anything about pregnancy. . .

I got pregnant anyway.

It wasn't easy. Pregnancy sucks. Think PMS times 50, plus a constant need for a nap. Though it's different for everyone so maybe it'll be better for your wife.

Babies don't sleep like you think they will. On tv people put babies in a crib and the baby coos and goes to sleep. That doesn't really happen. Babies just hate to be alone. Just endure it, things do get better on the sleep front.

Congratulations and best of luck to you and your family!

[Can o Beans]

18. Thanks.

PMS x 50 though? Egad. I am not sure I can handle (x2).

I have raised a puppy in the last 4 years, from peeing on the carpet stage to biting, now barking and destructive. I somehow doubt, though, that this qualifies as training...

[atreides1]

7. Some Advice

Speaking as a father of 3, there is no "one size fits all" advice. With each of our children my wife acted differently, and each of the kids were also different.

As for being around a pregnant woman, that's a whole different adventure in itself. All women react differently, at the time my wife was pregnant friends of ours were also expecting, and the other woman was the exact opposite of my wife.

But I can tell you that you will learn to enjoy going to work each and every day, but on the weekends make sure you give your wife all of the attention that she wants.

[Can o Beans]

20. This is a good point...

I will definitely work on the attention part...but yes, I have a friend with a newborn, and he does put in some long work hours...

[Ron Green]

9. You'll be undergoing change.... and no one likes change...

(except the wet baby, of course.)

[Demeter]

12. Suck It Up, Buddy, You Are Going to be a Father

barring any unpleasant events. Don't whine, whatever you do, it's unmanly and unproductive. Your lady is totally new to this too, so get off her back and your chair and do more than your share. A calm mother makes for a calm baby.

[Can o Beans]

23. Interesting...

taking the tough love approach with Can o Beans...

[Burma Jones]

16. Just say yes to everything your wife tells you to do

and then do it.

It's kind of nice to not be the most important person in one's own life.

Crying babies are indeed annoying. If you are not willing to shove pointed sticks into your ears to render yourself deaf, you will have to learn to live with that annoyance. Crying is the primary means infants use to communicate. I remember that crying (my kids are 6 and 4 now) it goes away eventually, to be replaced with various forms of whiny petitioning.

There are no blanket statements to be made about pregnant women other than they are pregnant. Every woman is different, shit, my wife treated each of her pregnancies differently, so I would say every pregnancy is different.

As you are annoyed, as you will be for many years to come, remember, this is your shot at immortality. Also remember, crazy religious nutcases throughout the world are breeding like rabbits, any children we lefties can bring to the world are a welcome addition.

[Can o Beans]

27. So you think...

I could at least take the time to bedtime stories like "Howard Dean and the 7 Candidates"?

OK, we will raise a little blue kid.

[Burma Jones]

31. Yep, the kids will pick up your political leanings

This happens all the time. This is one of the reasons snide, nasty right wingers have told us that abortion is wiping out the Democratic Party, as if 'pukes don't get abortions........

Also, I forgot to say that you will find many many things that once disgusted you will now just roll off your back. In my case, I developed an immunity to my kids' urine and snot...............

[4_Legs_Good]

41. Animal Farm was the first book I read my kid...

It's a perfect book.

In the leadup to the election, he was regularly saying "John Kerry win" "John Kerry good one" "Bush Bad one" "Red ones bad - blue ones good" etc.

Ahhhhhhhh...

david

[BikeWriter]

46. Amen! n/t

[blm]

17. If she has morning sickness, give her space when she needs it

and comfort when she needs it. I had the spins around the clock for the first 5 months. I was mostly glad my husband was at work and not around much while I was feeling so crappy. Then, at other times, I felt too crappy to be on my own. It can be a touchy thing.

Best bet is to go with the flow, and see what she feels like at any given time. For me, NOTHING was the same.

BTW....she needs a clear field to the bathroom, especially at night. Needing the potty every 20-30 minutes is not usual. So, make sure you pick up often,

[Can o Beans]

28. Wow, I never considered this...

thanks. Morning sickness is off my radar...

[La Lioness Priyanka]

19. while stranger babies can be annoying

your own you will be able to tolerate and love.

i am not a big fan of babies...but i loved my little baby brother...(he was born when i was 19)

[TNDemo]

21. Other people's kids will continue to annoy you.

That doesn't change. It's just your own won't (most of the time). Amazing how those hormones take over and that little red-faced, wrinkly thing looks absolutely beautiful. And when there is a roomful of babies, you are sure that yours is the most intelligent and most beautiful and you are sure it is obvious to everyone else (and they are all thinking the same thing about their own). Also the longer a woman is pregnant the more loaded with hormones she becomes (and not always the good horny ones). Expect lots of crying at Hallmark commercials and just because. And when people say it will change your life - they are absolutely not kidding. Kiss life as you know it good-bye. :)

[Can o Beans]

30. but...

what if my kid REALLY IS the smartest and best looking...what then????

:crazy:

[Maestro]

33. Of course it will be

If you don't think so, something is wrong with you. :)

[Maestro]

22. I was exactly like you

I was very hesitant and in fact jealous that the baby would take away my wife with whom I had had so much fun. But all your worries will fade away the first time you see your wonderful little baby after birth. I can't put into words the feeling, but it is incredible. You are in for a strange ride, sometimes tiring and frustrating but amazing and wonderful nonetheless. I have two now and I am a better for it and love every minute of it. Your life will change in a way that is probably unconceivalbe to you at this point, but seriously, ride with it.

Do these things:

1) Be supportive of your wife. Her body and hormones are about to change. She will make strange requests, get upset, happy all for apparently no reason. She will nest and begin to become obsessive about cleaning. Just go with it and let her be queen for the next nine months. Her body is being disfigured for a good reason. Let her have her day in the sun. This is a once in a lifetime experience for the both of you. Enjoy it!

2) Get those finances in order. Children are expensive.

3) Save up some vacation time. You will need to be by your wife in the early days when the baby doesn't know night from day and is constatly feeding. Or perhaps some relatives could come over for a while.

4) Don't for any second express doubt about having a child. It takes two to tango and you knew what you were doing from the get-go. Always be supportive. (Not insinuating that you wouldn't do this but just saying)

5) Remember that being a father is vitally important. Babies react differently to males and they need you just as much as they need their mothers even though in the beginning it difficult to sense this. But get ready to bond.

6) Get ready to smile alot. Here are two reasons why!





Edit: Man how rude I was. I forgot to say congrats! So a big congratulations to you and the wife.

[Can o Beans]

34. You should write an advice column...

this is a great list. Question: HOW expensive...?

[Maestro]

35. That depends

on insurance. A typical delivery without complications is about $3,000 I believe. Most insurance covers this completely or a large portion of this.

Then you have to consider diaper costs and diapers cost alot! Of course you need to feed and clothe the baby, buy furniture for the baby's room, establish college funds. I pay $300.00 for two college funds I have opened. Then as your baby gets older, you have sports, clubs, etc...

But again, it just means that you need to be responsible when budgeting. And believe me, you will not mind spending money on your child. But don't spoil. ;)

[radwriter0555]

42. Rule #1, you will no longer be the #1 person in your wife's life. Face it.

You will play second fiddle for the next 15 years. Your needs will not be first, while you must always make her needs come first.

You're just going to be another taller, hairier child for her, unless you do your part. Your part includes actually helping with this entire process; the housework, the bills, the diapers, the laundry.

Other than that, ENJOY! Kids are a GAS. Infants are VERY easy. They don't sleep much, but they need a lot of sleep. They eat, poop and sleep... Every iota of communication for them is centered on those specific needs.

Oh, you will never have sex again. Sorry.

Other than THAT, ENJOY!

[The empressof all]

24. Nows the time

I found being pregnant the first time a very emotional experience. It's important that you understand that for some women their hormones can get out of control a bit. I was very needy I think because I was scared. (Normally, I'm pathologically independent) My SO needed to suck it up quite a bit and luckily he stuck through it. (We can laugh about it now)

No matter what happens remember pregnancy is a limited time period. It will change.

You will also be surprised when the baby comes at how much easier it is than you anticipated. I wasn't a "kid" person and I have trouble with things like odors and bodily fluids. I'm proud to say I didn't gag once with my daughter.

Enjoy yourself--It's a special time. Just agree with your wife when ever you possibly can while she's pregnant. :) :) :)

[Bouncy Ball]

26. She's going to be tired a lot

moody, need to pee a lot. Uncomfortable. Unpredictable. Be there for her, totally.

Read up on pregnancy and childbirth. A lot. It helps.

When the fetus is old enough (I forget when it is) start talking and possibly singing to the belly. If you do that consistently, the baby will know your voice when it is born. My husband sang the Name Game song with our daughter's name (we knew it was a girl) and Bicycle Built for Two every single day and when she was born and he would sing it, she would immediately stop fussing.

Your life will never be the same, and that's ok.

I second whoever said to educate yourself about the signs of post partum depression. Before a woman gives birth, you have no idea whether she will have it or not, or how severe it will be if she does. I had a moderate case that lasted a YEAR and I got no help because I didn't understand it. Be aware just in case and talk with her about it. I wish I had known.

When the baby is born, do your best to spend as much time at home as possible. Those days are fleeting and precious and you'll never regret spending as much time with the baby as you can.

Sleep when the baby sleeps. Line up potential babysitters NOW. On a regular basis, say "Hon, go out for the afternoon, I'll watch the baby." She'll love you for it.

Good luck and congratulations!

[Ian David]

29. For the first 3 months, the baby will not be your friend

It will scream, yell and cry and pee and poop and generally be a very bad visitor except for those twilight moments right before sleep.

Until then, unless you can figure out how to breastfeed, the baby will have very little use for you. Don't take it personally.

Once you get over the three-month hurdle, you're going to love being a daddy.

I remember changing perfectly clean diapers in the desperate hope that MAYBE that is why the baby was crying.

There WILL be bonding moments that will be wonderful for all of you, but for the first three months, that will be the exception rather than the rule. The baby may be content. The baby will look into your eyes and get to know you and bond with you and get close to you.

Just keep saying to yourself: It's only three months. In three months, my baby will like me. In three months, the baby will be my friend.

But you have to keep trying those first three months, or that will not happen.

It's kind of like training a new parrot. It will bite the hell out of your hand for a while before it becomes content to sit on your shoulder and just bite everyone else.

You HAVE to be there. You HAVE to show love and affection. Eventually it will start to be returned.

My theory is that the baby needs to test your patience to make sure you're going to stick around.

And then you're free and clear until the "terrible twos."

Although with my daughter, the terrible twos have been pretty good.

[Can o Beans]

36. THANKS everyone..

If you ever need info, just ASK DU.

[artfan]

37. Enjoy

-hug the wife
-let her sleep when she needs to
-rub her feet
-you will not 'get it' until you can feel the baby move and it is awsome
-don't buy lots of baby crap there is not need for thousands of dollars of junk
-buy soft comfy clothes for the baby (2nd hand is fine)
-read the books what to expect when expecting and the womanly art of breastfeeding
-there is no such think as the terrible 2's but three is a tough age
-take lots of pictures and spend time together as a family the years just whip by
-episotmies are unnecessary for the most part if her caregiver gives them as a routine thing find a new doc/midwife
- my kids are 15,12,10,4 and are the best thing I have ever done they are my hope for the future

[4_Legs_Good]

38. First few months can be hellish, but... (lots of advice inside)

I also used to hate screaming kids... I now have a 2.5 year old and another due in 3 months...

Let's just say that screaming kids now just make me laugh and even kinda happy. Totally weird.

Pregnancy is different for different women. Some love it, some don't. My wife doesn't love it and neither do I. I kinda feel like I have no soul because of it, but it's true. I just want it over with. It's long and painful and my wife has no energy at all. This was okay for Kid #1 because I could dote on her and still get everything done. It's 10x harder for Kid #2, cuz now I have to take care of Kid #1, and then still try to dote on the wife.

Note: it doesn't happen. So my wife feels unappreciated, and I feel tired. Anyway.

Keep in mind that there are TONS of things that everyone says you *HAVE* to do as a good father like read to your wife's abdomen and stuff like that. Also you HAVE to be the first person to see the baby or for the baby to see once it's born, and the doctor has to fling the kid on the mom so they have an instant bond.

All of it BS - utterly.

Don't worry about all that crap unless you enjoy it yourself. Just love the kid, love the wife, and damn, everything turns out great!


Now, from Delivery to delivery + 6 weeks -> the most difficult, painful time of my life, and I didn't even give birth. It's very, very hard. Very tiring, very nervewracking. You're basically waiting for the newborn to turn into a baby. Once that happens, things get much better, but damn it's hard.

Here are my 3 rules for the days immediately following the delivery:

1. STAY IN THE HOSPITAL AS LONG AS YOU CAN
(some people want to get home as quickly as possible to start their lives or whatever - BS! Stay with the professionals! You'll already be an emotional wreck - with trained professionals at your beck and call, you have a couple days of not having to worry about the baby dying suddenly because of something you're not quite trained to deal with)

2. SEND THE BABY TO THE NURSERY AT NIGHT
(the hospital will usually offer to either let you keep the baby in the room with you, or send it to the nursery where they'll watch him/her at night. You'll feel like you're a bad dad, but screw all that. Again, the professionals know what they're doing. You can get precious amounts of sleep in quantities perhaps as big as 2 HOURS!!! at a time if you send the baby to the nursery at night. You have a lifetime of bonding ahead of you.)

3. DON'T HAVE FAMILY AROUND WHO YOU HAVE TO CATER TO
(Family is invaluable following a birth, but make sure they know that they are there to help you NOT the other way around. Don't invite anyone who you will have to make their food or wash their bedding, etc. You need to worry about 3 things - sleep, the baby, the wife.)

And my baby buys pick of a lifetime:

Buy one (actually one for every stage) of those single piece sleep bags that you put the baby in to sleep in. It keeps him/her warm, you don't have to deal with extra blankets, and later it keeps him/her from climbing out of the crib! ;)

ONLY slightly less important -

Get a REALLY good breast pump. Don't buy a chinsy one, spend at least $150-200 on a high quality semi quiet one. The cheap ones are noisy, don't do a good job, etc.

Oh, and NIPPLE CONFUSION? Forget about it! It's another BS deal! Breast milk is the best, of course, but screw the notion that babies get confused with using a bottle v. only nursing naturally. If your wife is a low producer (like mine was), then this stuff is like GOLD. Don't be afraid to supplement with forumla (not mix, but if breast milk is in tight supply, you can use formula too)

Anyway, thanks for the question, it's got me thinking again. Oh Lordy. I have to admit I'm not looking forward to it.

That said, man oh man, NOTHING, NOTHING, NOTHING beats being a father. It's easily the greatest thing that's ever happened to me! Once you're past the first 3 months or so, just be prepared to have a lot of fun for a very long time.

david

[AlCzervik]

39. When it's your own baby crying you'll be amazed at how

unannoying you'll find it to be, in fact after yours is born you'll be empathetic to crying babies in general. when i had my daughter i had only been around one infant, my niece and i babysat her a few times and tried to go see her a couple of times a week and it was a big help, kind of a breaking in period.

Try and sleep when the baby does and make sure your wife gets to take a shower every morning, thats a big help.

[miss_american_pie]

43. Congratulations

Hello there :hi:

I'm three weeks away from having our second. I'll try not to repeat everyone else.

First, treat her like a princess. It will not be the same should you choose to have more children, so let her have her ice cream at midnight. She has no more clue what's going on with her than you do. At some point, most women get an incredible libido surge, and you will be handsomely rewarded. Take advantage of it. If she has a particularly rough delivery it will be a while.

My DH hadn't been around babies ever either. It's entirely different when it's your own. You may want to read up on some basic childcare books, but beware of any that claim that their method is the one true way to get baby to sleep through the night, potty train at 12 months, etc. As for relatives, a helpful offer is "Can I bring you dinner, do your laundry, etc." A not helpful offer is "Can I hold your baby while you do the laundry, make dinner, etc." If she is breastfeeding, get everyone to leave the room in the beginning. Don't expect her to get up and hide in a bedroom. Unfortunately, if she needs a buffer from any well-meaning relatives, it'll fall to you to address the issue. You will be rewarded when your kid goes through the "I only want daddy, go away mommy" phase.

While your own babies crying will break your heart, you will learn to tune everyone else's crying baby out.

Hope this helped.

[dpbrown]

44. A Guy's Guide to Pregnancy

I just finished it. It's a short read.

http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/tg/detail/-/1885223757/

[BikeWriter]

45. Start saving for college, and realize your life is no longer your own.

Congratulations, Daddy!

[Shananigans]

47. College, eh? Is it really the parent's responsibility to pay for

a kids college? Although my parents helped me through college by buying me groceries and such they never actually paid for my tuition. Because of this, yes..I am 20K in debt for student loans... but I also have a much stronger sense of what an education is all about. Unlike my friends who had parents paying for their education, I actually attended all my classes and valued my education.

Just a thought...

[BikeWriter]

49. You don't want them to feel unloved...

...do you?

[Shananigans]

51. Unloved?

Why would they feel unloved if their parent's didn't fork over 30K for their college education? Heck, if you have 3 or 4 kids, that can be upwards of 100K just for their college education. I think these days most kids realize that college is a must...they will FIND a way to pay for it. Now I CAN understand if the child is unable to pay because of extenuating circumstances, etc... but the rest is BS. :)

[Cuban_Liberal]

48. It will take you as long as 10 seconds to be in love with your baby.

Maybe as long as 15 to become ga-ga. Just go with the flow, and congratulations!

:pals:

[davsand]

50. Baby Beans! How wonderful!

There's a whole lot of good advice here. I agree with a lot of it. If I was to add to it I'd say two things:

1. Don't think there is only one right way to do anything, and don't even listen to anybody who tells you theirs is the ONLY right way.

2. Hire a doula and do it as soon as you find one you guys like. If this is a new term for you you can learn more about doulas at this website:

http://www.dona.org/

My husband and I both felt that was the best money we ever spent when it came to having our daughter. She was a support for him as well as for me during the entire experience.

If you want to get a jump on the entire child birthing discussion, here's a nice PDF from that DONA website to start off with:

http://www.dona.org/PDF/CIMS10Qs.pdf

Read that one over and then show it to Mrs Beans and she'll think you are just THE most progressive hubby on the planet! It might even help save you when you go to childbirth classes and act like "such a MAN." :)

Come see us in the parenting forum here at DU--we'll all give you the benefit of our experiences--from Breast feeding to what to pack in the diaper bag!

Congrats to you both!


Laura

[Padraig18]

52. Repeat after me, "Yes, dear."

Rule #2: don't sweat the small stuff.

Rule #3: when it's your baby, see Rule #2.

:)

[tigereye]

53. Hey Padraig

How are you? :) Hope you are feeling better! :hug:


As for baby stuff:

patience and love.

Remember:

1. They will eventually sleep all night and they will walk, talk and grow.
2. Teething and wailing will eventually end.
3. They will also learn to open their own car doors and get their own drinks at some point and you will be amazed.
4. Don't work the last week(s) of the pregnancy if you can avoid it!
Take some time for yourself, because you won't have much time to yourself for about 6 months to a year.
5. Make sure you have help at first,mom, dad, mother-in-law or friends to be chief cook and bottle washer.
6. Teach them to sleep in their own bed and their own room (just my own personal preference) :)
7. Have fun and congratulations. There is nothing like hearing your baby laugh and seeing them smile for the first time!

[NC_Nurse]

54. Congrats~!

This thread brought tears to my eyes since I just had my first graduate college, my second left for college this last fall and my baby is a junior in high school!

I'm a tough one, being a nurse and all, did the deliveries with no meds, no epidurals and went home within 24 hours every time (I hate being a patient....ewwww!).

My advice goes:
1. Breastfeeding is best if at all possible.
2. Be there for your wife, she needs emotional support and YES, she's tired.
3. Diapers are a necessity, a lot of the other shit isn't...don't spend a bunch of money on stuff you don't need. Babies need love, time, patience...not a bunch of toys and gear. How do you think the species became so prevalent? It wasn't because of expensive strollers or Baby Einstein CD's. Let Grandma buy that stuff.
4. Sleep when the baby sleeps.

Get support form other people with small children. Go to a birthing class and meet these people. You will have them to talk to when you are tired, lost, unsure, whatever.

You are in for a great ride! Don't forget that you have a chance to change the world in your grasp by raising another human being! :bounce: :toast: