Name a movie you've never seen but hate anyway. Criticize it at length.

[Rabrrrrrr]

I've never seen Footloose or Dirty Dancing. Both are such utter, useless, cliche trend-driven piles of braindead pablum that I feared I would have to exercise the demons of artlessness and bad taste were I to witness either; let alone be forced to listen to the audio.

And what was up with the "hit" "songs" that came from those movies? Total fucking rotshit, both of 'em. They make me ill when I hear them, and both movies make me ill when I am forced to view snippets of them on TV or other places.

:puke: :puke: :puke: :puke: :puke: :puke: :puke: :puke:

Is there anyone in the world tasteless enough to actually think these were good, honest to God, wonderful movies? I hope not.

And here ends my lengthy critical review of two movies which I have never seen.

[tekriter]

1. "Jesus Chainsaw Massacre"...

also known as "The Passion of the Christ".

[Rabrrrrrr]

2. You forgot to criticize it at length.

The whole exercize to go on ad nauseum about why you hate something, even though you've never seen it.

:-)

[Worst Username Ever]

3. Passion of the Christ

useless christian right propoganda!

[B Calm]

30. Just another snuff film for sick people to enjoy...

[grace0418]

59. Damn, you beat me to it!

Does it count if I saw about 5 minutes of it against my will? Racist and right-wing crap, made to look like an "art film" because there are subtitles. Like it somehow gives a propaganda piece of shit like this credibility. Give me a break.

Most of the people flocking to see it watch crap like Touched by an Angel and Seventh Heaven every week and wouldn't know subtlety if it hit them over the head. ;) I'm personally amazed that Mel Gibson didn't cast HIMSELF has Jesus Christ, he's so freaking self-righteous and narcissistic.

[SW FL Dem]

63. You beat me to it!

I would never watch it.

[Misunderestimator]

4. Gone With the Wind... A "Classic" ... a "Masterpiece" winner of

an Academy Award... :puke: utter histrionic dixieland racist bullshit passing as literature (badly translated to film). Stereotyping of blacks and women and "knights in shining armor" men... :puke: Frankly... well, you know the rest...

[Rabrrrrrr]

9. Oh God, yes! Overhyped, overplayed crap.

I've never GWTW, either, but I know I hate it. I will never see it, because I hate it.

Anything that popular with women who wear their hair big and have long fake nails and decorate their homes with precious moments figurines just has to be shit.

:puke: :puke: :puke: :puke: :puke: :puke: :puke:

[motely36]

13. yeah, I concur, plus Went with the Wind was so much better

:P

[kwassa]

29. I saw it twice about 20 years apart .... and it still sucks.

Scarlett O'Hara has no redeeming qualities, and learns nothing despite the Civil War happening all around her. A selfish airhead in the beginning and in the end.

[ashling]

32. You win: critiquing the critique

your critique clearly indicates that you have not seen this movie, and yetshows a thorough disgust for the film based entirely upon subjective and vacuous reasoning - with a definite overtone of bias.

Congratulations!

(Oh, and you are right)

:eyes:

[Thor_MN]

39. I'm certain that Fried Green Tomatoes fits that same mold

so I hate it. Piece of fluff film for overdramatic women with big hair and false eyelashes so that they can cry and wash the mascara buildup off.

[Rabrrrrrr]

41. Oh, God, yes!! I didn't see that one, either, because it sucks and

I hate it.

Typical vapid chick flick with no real characters, just a bunch of weepy hyper-emotional bitches with every emotion the audience is supposed to feel loudly broadcast through bad acting and pissy directing, like Spielberg.

God forbid the audience should be allowed to have their own emotional reactions. No, much better to just hit us over the head with how we're supposed to feel. Why let something as empty as the story move us, when the director and writer can just tell us how we feel?

[vixengrl]

5. Okay, you know "Titanic"? And how people went to see it--

0ver and over and over? Well, not me. I knew how it ended--the SHIP SANK! And there was a love story-- rich girl meets poor boy...well boo dee hooo, like if the boat *didn't* sink that was going to work out. Especially since the guy looked like a fifteen year old girl. And the music--can I be honest? Okay, I will: not good. "My Heart Will Go On"--puke. Musical puke, if you want to cheapen the word, "musical." A boy, a girl, a boat--a bore.

[BamaGirl]

19. Titanic sucked!

And I didn't see it lol! You've summed it up well. ;)

[EstimatedProphet]

6. Top Gun

I never saw this movie, because I know that it is nothing more than a recruiting film for the Air Force. The Air Force can have all the recruiting films they want, but when they are passed off as entertainment they are propaganda.
And, that damned song "Take my Breath Away" is sickening.
Also, I would like to add Red Dawn to the list, because in addition to being a recruiting film for the Army, it has an intellectual level of a junior high school student. Could a plot be any more asinine than having an invading force land at a school and start killing everyone? What was their alternate target, a nursing home? However, they must have intended to attack the school because obviously the most dangerous superwarriors in the world go there, as evidenced by the dozen students who then go on to liberate the US from an entire invading superpower army.
Yuck.

[Misunderestimator]

8. I've seen both those dreadful films... and your reviews are spot on.

[Sandpiper]

18. It IS NOT a recruiting film for the Air Force!!!

It's a recruiting film for the Navy. ;-)

[democracyindanger]

7. From Justin to Kelly, With Love

What. The. Fuck. Not only are we subjected to weeks upon weeks of these two, but a feature-length movie that ressurects every reason why the beach blanket movie genre died off DECADES ago? And isn't there supposed to be some sort of cooling off period between becoming a pop star with an overinflated sense of talent, and letting that overinflated sense of talent tell you that you can act? Hell, even Mariah Freakin' Carey waited several years before committing the atrocity of "Glitter"--another movie I haven't seen and hate anyway, but still, at least Mariah is easy on the eyes. Sure, Kelly's pretty, in that girl-next-door-but-I'd-never-touch-her-at-least-not-sober-but- I'm-sure-she'll-find-a-nice-dentist-to-marry-and- end-up-driving-her-kids-around-in-a-minivan-in-front-of-me-and-pissing-me-off-in-traffic, but Justin? Justin is one of those guys that is begging for a punch in the nose. Not that I'd ever do it, because I'd be afraid that his hair would leap off his massive skull and attack me.

[Misunderestimator]

10. um... you threw off the scroll with your ultra-hyphenated adjective there.

(at least I think it was an adjective, maybe a noun :shrug:) :) maybe you can add some spaces...

on edit, I completely concur with you on your choice... :puke:

[democracyindanger]

15. Oops

sowwy. I got a wide-screen monitor. Fixed it. :)

[Misunderestimator]

16. :)

good job

[barackmyworld]

33. good judgement, that movie sucked ass

I love bad movies, but it was just terrible.

[livinginphotographs]

52. If I owned a newspaper

I'd give you a job.

Writing movie reviews, that is. But if you want to punch Justin in the nose in your off-time, I can't stop you.

[A-Schwarzenegger]

11. Million Dollar Baby

I think it is a sick idea to have a big guy like Clint
Eastwood beating up on a girl like that girl that played
a guy playing a girl in that other movie. It is like if
I went and got in the ring with that little model that
looks like a boy that was in that relationship with that
guy that played the gay pirate and that they trashed that
hotel room somewhere a few tears ago. Throw in Howard L.
Jackson for good measure as I guess Eastwood's trainer and you've
got an even crookeder deck. I'm shocked that Golden Globes
gave itself to Eastwood for basically beating up a little
girl or tranvestite. It is proof as far as I know that it
is got as sick as it can get out there.

[smirkymonkey]

20. LOL!

You should have your own movie review blog! :)

[HalfManHalfBiscuit]

22. Kindergarden Cop

You have no room to get on your high horse. It is mighty disgusting when a muscular he-man like you beats up entire classrooms of little children. Just because you hate children is no reason to beat them all up then throw them in jail.

[A-Schwarzenegger]

26. I don't hate childern.

I don't hate any criminals at all. They were criminals.
Do children steal? Do children live off the dole? Do
children suck life out of society by doing nothing but
play and sleep and eat and watch TV for ten years before
they are old enough to get paper route and babsit? Yes,
yes, yes. All the same thing criminal do. Spread disease like
prostitutes and make noise like gangbangers. I don't
care if they are five years old or ten years old, a
criminals go to jail when not if I catch them. All
children should spent few years in jail before kindengarten
to knoick sense in them and toughen up for real world.
Don't blame me for your liberal pantywaste pattycake policy
toward children criminal. If you old enough to walk and take
things that are not yours, you old enough for prison.
I am proud of Kinderganrten Cop as a warning to children,
although I didn't see it either. I try not to see my movies
because I am already in love with myself enough.

[Butterflies]

58. Boy, are you a piece of work!

I can't imagine what you'll type next :D

[A-Schwarzenegger]

69. I will review any movie I have not seen

for a dollar.

[DrWeird]

12. Van Helsing and The Day After Tomorrow

OK, now who the fuck thought this was going to be a good idea(s)? Let's take a bunch of characters/disasters out of seperate monster/disaster movies and throw them all together in one big movie(s). I mean, when you look at it, all of these original movies for the most part suck. There have been more Dracula movies than any other character movie in the history of mankind. And how many of them were really any good? How about Frankenstein movies? (and I don't mean Brooks parodies) Wolfman movies? Oh, those are great cinematic masterpeices. :eyes: Oh, and let us not forget Earthquake! The Towering Inferno. Twister. etc. Why not cut out all the good stuff, and through it in one big movie, that has to make it better. If you've got a movie with Dracula/Earthquake, Frankenstein/Ice Age, Wolfman/tornadoes, who needs a script, acting, directing, and plot?

[La Lioness Priyanka]

14. the passion of the christ

its bloody and anti-semitic

[Sandpiper]

17. Cold Mountain

I could never bring myself to watch such a brazen exercise in Oscar whoring. Beautiful people in period costumes + Big War + Forbidden Love. They might as well have just licked the boots of the Academy outright and avoided the pretense.

The civil war has already been done to death on the silver screen. It's taken forever for a movie like Gettysburg, that shows how gritty and brutal the civil war actually was, to be made. We don't need another dreamy, melodramatic, epic romanticizing of one of the darkest periods in American history. We already have Gone With the Wind for that.

I don't want to see a cutesy face Australian in J. Crew sweaters (Nicole Kidman) and a dashing Brit (Jude Law) pretending to be Civil War-era Americans.

I also don't want to see Renee Zellweger's scrunched up face if I can possibly avoid it.

And thus, that is why I hate Cold Mountain, despite never seeing it.

[HeeBGBz]

21. It was everything you described

Well-avoided for all the reasons you expressed, lol.

[kwassa]

27. Cold Kidman

Her fatal flaw as an actress

[mojavekid]

36. Some serious talent in the soundtrack though -

the American traditional tracks. I believe produced by T. Bone Burnett with Dirk Powell performing on several with his fretless banjo.

Agree with the rest of your post though!

[dback]

23. "Radio"

Cuba Gooding Jr. as the mentally retarded football team mascot. Dear God in heaven, has the man no pride (or shame, as the case may be)? The preview was so horrifying--you could already hear the tear-jerking machinery starting to grind--that I knew right then I would NEVER see that movie.

I will, however, defend "Dirty Dancing" and "Gone With the Wind."

[democracyindanger]

24. hehe you need to jump in on this thread

http://www.democraticunderground.com/discuss/duboard.php?az=show_mesg&forum=105&topic_id=2448555&mesg_id=2448555

[proud2BlibKansan]

28. Radio is a great movie

You really should see it.

[LeftyMom]

25. Mel Gibson's Holy Snuff Flick and Titanic

I've already seen one of Mel's torture flicks, and while Braveheart isn't quite the worst waste of celuloid ever, the cross-shaped torture devise and the nuts getting cut off and people in the crowd keeping his wife's hankie as a some sort of a relic and the corpse-desecration and other nastiness were certainly a indicator of the sick shit to come. Last thing I want to see is more of the same but with a more prolonged torture sequence and some anti-semitism for spice. Nice of him to make the thing in Aramaic, for all those native speakers out there, though.

What can I say about Titanic, having never seen it? For starters, any movie that teenage girs like is probably bad. Lots of teenage girls liked this one. I suspect part of this has to do with the presence of Leonardo DiCaprio, who makes the perfect fantasy object for young girls as I he appears to be a castrati and his charachter must be easily impressed as he digs that fat chick with the red hair played by some brit whose name escapes me. Celine Deion warbles in the background until an iceberg mercufully intervenes before the chunky girl finds our Leonardo lacks the equipment to consumate thier love, Celine shrieks a bit more (probably in French to camoflage insipid lyrics, otherwise she'll just get louder and more shrill until the movie reaches it's climax) and some mournful postscript of whicheverone survives visiting the empty grave marker of the other, or something with the same emotional tone. Ick. I'd rather watch a nice PBS documentary and skip the lame love story if for some reson I wanted to find out about the Titanic.

[proud2BlibKansan]

31. Spiderman II

Comic book characters belong in comic books, not in movies. It is impossible to do justice to a comic book story on the silver screen. The viewers can't even turn pages to see what happens next! sheesh! And how do they show each story panel?- duh!

Besides, any movie the repukes promote to take the attention away from Farenheit 9/11 is not a movie I will pay one thin dime to see. :)

[jonnyblitz]

51. it truly sucked and i get SHRIEKED at every time i post this

it was so fucking BORING.

[General Zod]

34. Tim Burton's Planet of the Apes

Why would anyone want to remake one of the greatest science fiction films of all time? What more could they possibly add, after 4 sequels and a t.v. show? And to have Mark Wahlberg in the Chuck Heston role is appalling. Tim Burton directing? Come on! He needs to stick to the whimsical fantasies he's so good at. I heard they even went with the surprise ending, just like the original. Gee, how original! I wouldn't watch this piece of dreck if you paid me.

[Rabrrrrrr]

42. OMG that was an utter piece of shit! I actually DID see it!!

Man, I'd totally forgotten about that one. It was as shitty as Star Trek: Nemesis and any Ron Howard piece of shit.

Ooooh, I was angry after seeing that undiluted crapfest.

Good for you for not seeing it.

[General Zod]

43. I've said it once, I'll say it again: Remakes suck!

Now they've remade " The Longest Yard" with Adam Sandler in the Paul Crew role. That totally blows!
Then I found out that Steven Spielberg has remade the 50's classic, "The War of the Worlds" with Tom (I can't act my way out of a paper bag) Cruise. Now I'm really depressed.....

[Rabrrrrrr]

44. Jesus Christ!! Are you serious about that?

Adam Sandler trying to do something GOOD?

And Tom Cruise, the most worthless fuckoff piece of shit useless asshole in hollywood, and Spielberg, one of the most uncreative and miserable and overwrought asshole directors, both doing a story that is, for all intents and purposes, ALMOST SACRED?!?!?!?!?!?!?!

Those asshole fucker shitknocking wombat brained turd swallowers actually think they are at the level of an Orson Welles?

Well, utterly fuck them. That's what I say.

I'm actually angry that the estate of Wells would allow these two incompetent jackasses to touch a story as sacred as War of the Worlds.

Fuck them. Fuck everyone.

I no longer have any hope for America.

Fuck it. I'm leaving.

[General Zod]

46. I had about the same reaction....

......I love the original War of the Worlds; it's one of my favorite movies of all time. When I found out that that hack Spielberg, and that no-talent Cruise were doing the movie, I about lost it.

Take a look, if you must:http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0407304/

[Rabrrrrrr]

47. Nope, not gonna look

I'm going to try to forget that it's being made. I shall block it from my mind. Otherwise, I will go insane.

I thought everything had already gone to hell as much as possible, what with that war criminal awol fuck in the white house, and the existence of Toby keith and Thomas Kinkade and precious moments and chubby long island big-haired long-fingernailed semi-educated shitbitches for Shrub, but I was wrong.

Nope, just gonna try to forget about this one. And mourn the offical passing of the America that I loved. There are still some good parts, but it is now officially, in my mind, in the realm of the damned artless dead and beyond redemption.

Thanks, America, for your willingness to disavow the penthouse lifetyle and embrace a Thunderbird-soaked gutter existence. Woo fucking hoo.

[tigerbeat]

65. war of the worlds isn't a remake of the 1950's version...

...anymore than peter jackson's lord of the rings is a remake of the 1970's ralph bakshi lord of the rings.

it's another adaptation of the original h.g. wells novel.

[Rabrrrrrr]

66. Who cares what it is?

They're gonna fuck it up, and they're gonna fuck it up at a serious professional level of fucking up.

In fact, since they're going back to the original novel, I bet they'll fuck it up even worse.

Spielberg doing serious science fiction? No fucking way.

It's gonna be a total, miserable, sense-destroying debacle that will have HG Wells rolling in his grave and pleading to God to just give him one more day on earth so he can come and exact proper judgment and retribution on that useless fucknob Spielberg.

[citizen snips]

35. Lord of the Rings.

The plot sounds like total bullshit. All three movies last about three hours which is a waste of time. And I watched it for about 30 minutes but is was so boring so I stopped watching it.

[livinginphotographs]

37. Titanic.

I call that shit emotional masturbation. It's a completely shitty movie, but because it elicits some sort of emotional response out of the viewer, they're supposed to ignore what a shitty movie it is.

In closing, Titanic sucks ass.

[sendero]

38. Me too...

... even before I saw the only 15 minutes of the damn thing I ever will see, I knew it was a piece of crap. That song, that f*cking awful song, what kind of person can listen to that sh*t?

Lots of people could have been fed with the money wasted on that wankfest.

[Kire]

40. Napolean Dynamite

Look at me, I'm Napolean Dynamite. I do weird shit that doesn't mean anything. Gosh!

:puke: :puke: :puke: :puke: :puke: :puke: :puke: :puke:

[kariatari]

73. Are you gonna eat your tots?

[Kire]

74. I just don't see how that is funny.

it sounds market-tested to me, not spontaneous

[kariatari]

78. I see you're drinking 1%. Is that cuz you think you're fat?

Cuz you're not. You could be drinking whole milk if you wanted to.

[HeyManThatsCool]

75. But will you Vote For Pedro?

[kariatari]

77. Heck yes!

[Susang]

45. I didn't bother to read your post

But still, I found it to be dull, childish, ill-informed and lacking in any artistic merit whatsoever. I was bored to tears as I ignored it and if I can help it, I will never not read another of your posts again. :P

[Rabrrrrrr]

48. I don't know what you said, but I'm sure it was ignorant and

psuedo-intellectual swill that isn't worth as much as the small spinach pellets that come out of the ass of my guinea pig.

[Susang]

49. Your post must be absolutely wrong and utterly ridiculous

If I ever bother to read it, I'll know for sure. Until then, I'll just accept that you have no idea what you are talking about. }(

[Rabrrrrrr]

50. I'm sure that was a typically sophomoric and inconsequential response

I don't know, I didn't bother to "read" it, but I'm sure that if I had tried, I would not be able to decipher the mangled syntax, lack of clarity, and failure to use any word properly, due to your utter disregard for anything approaching sentience.

[NewJeffCT]

53. Top Gun

Tom Cruise really stretches his acting ability by playing a cocky, hot headed jerk who changes slightly for the love of a good woman (at least that is my guess) A 'rah rah' military type movie has no appeal to me.

[Rabrrrrrr]

54. When Harry Met Sally - never saw it, and I hate it

Another overwrought "love story" film broadcasting to the audience every emotion we're supposed to have while studiously avoiding any semblance of a compelling story and paying meticulous attention to bad directing and wholly inappropriate acting.

[Zuni]

55. Little Nicky with Adam Sandler!

Now here is a real loser. Take Adam Sandler and put his whiny, baby talking ass in a demonic role and call it funny? Not so quick.
If there is anyone out there who supports this desecration of perfectly good DVDs and videotape, let me at them, because I WILL KILL THEM.
The only part of this "movie" I have seen is where they shove a Pineapple up Hilter's posterior. Did I laugh? No. It wasn't even remotely funny, and frankly it was a bit scary.

[Hand]

61. Make that ANYTHING with Adam Sandler... nt

[Zuni]

56. The Matrix series

It comes down to this---Who wants to encourage Keanu Reaves to make more movies?
Not me.
I have no desire to see Keanu reaves battle computer programs in a nightmare, computer controlled future world in shitty film after shitty film

[drumwolf]

57. I can't believe no one's mentioned "Pearl Harbor" yet.

That's my number-one nomination for this thread -- far more so than either "Titanic" or "The Passion of the Christ," both of which I actually do have a teensy sliver of curiosity to see and wouldn't rule out seeing if, say, I was with a group of people who wanted to see it and I had free time to spare, or if I was on a plane and it was showing.

Another movie I've never had any interest in seeing was a 1994 flick called "Threesome," about a three-way college romance. It seems to have slipped into obscurity with time, but as I recall, it was pretty popular. (I was working at Tower at the time, and all the young post-frat yuppies in the Marina were buying the soundtrack CD like hotcakes.)

Oh, and you can add any Pauly Shore movie to the list as well.

[grace0418]

62. Unfortunately I saw that piece of crap

They actually used the line "I'm so cold!" in a death scene. How cheesy can you get?

[Touchdown]

60. The English Patient

Boring, pretentious yawnfest where some pilot crashes in the desert and finds love with Florence Nightingale, or Molly Pitcher, or sonmething. I hated it, because all anybody would say it it's a "beautiful movie", or he "best ever made"...mainly because it was like 12 hours long. :puke:

Well, that did it! I'll never see it, and now 5 years later, it's the butt of jokes like it should have been in the first place. Elaine was right, it sucked...and Elaine knows what she's talking about. The English Patient was definitely NOT spongeworthy, and J. Peterman is an asshole for forcing her to see it, but he did her a favor for firing her. Who could work for a sentimental sucker like that anyhow?

[bif]

64. The newer Star Wars movies

Not that the original ones were great, but I have no desire to see any of them.

[sakabatou]

67. Gigli

Ben Afleck and Jennifer Lopez

:puke:

[kariatari]

79. I don't think that one counts.

No educated person could argue its merits.

[ceile]

68. Titanic

Leo deCraprio-I can't stand him! And Celine Dion killed what little desire I had to see it with that stupid song!

[HEyHEY]

70. Lord of the rings

A bunch of shit for fantasy nuts that is so laden with special effects the actual story.... which sucks ass anyway.... is barely noticed.
Not to mention the way they fucking thing is shoved down your goddam throats all year.

[ImpeachBush]

71. Reds ...

Most boring movie ever. I mean, just how much is there to say about a color? Rosy Red, Brick Red, Kidney bean red, strawberry blonde red? And What about the blues? Just where do the blues come in on all this? Aren't the blues just as worthy as the reds? Navy Blue? REMEMBER NAVY BLUE? And demin blue? Hello????? Why not a movie about blues? And the greens? Pea green, sea green, martha stewart green? Why not GREENS, for crying out loud!!!

[yewberry]

72. Bridges of Madison County--The Horror!

What idiot thought THIS wwas a good idea?

Let's see...a couple of fairly uninteresting characters, add a couple of bridges, some music...TA-DA! A masterpiece!

Okay, so I didn't see it.

[HeyManThatsCool]

76. The Hours & Cold Mountain

I have absolutely NO interest in seeing either of those 2 hunks of shit. Both of them look as boring as humanly possible.

Does Nicole Kidman pick the shittiest movies possible? I guess whatever she's doing works for some people because she wins awards.

I did manage to see Moulin Rouge.......... That was so painful I would chose to go to the dentist & have a root canal rather than sit through that retch again.