How high does this rate on the bastard scale?

[HEyHEY]

FInding a girl attractive...liking her personality..but scrapping it all because she has a kid?

[Der Blaue Engel]

1. Speaking as a single mom

We don't want you either! :P

In all seriousness, you shouldn't get involved with someone who has a kid if you don't feel comfortable with the fact that she has a kid. You wouldn't be doing any of the three of you any favors.

I don't see why anyone should think there's anything remotely pricky about that. :shrug:

[HEyHEY]

2. That's what I figure

I think being in a relationship like that is LIKE having a kid... you have a third person to consider.

[BikeWriter]

5. When my ex first decided she wanted her two with us they were at her exes.

She mentioned it to me and I told her to get in the truck. We went and got them.

[SarahB]

8. I feel the same way.

For me, I wouldn't have anyone do much more than barely meet my children until I knew the relationship was actually going somewhere. However, if my being a mother is so overwhelming to someone, then he shouldn't waste my time. Take me as I am or don't take me at all.

Edit:
In addition, women who have children and aren't with the father of their children have enough to deal with and have probably been hurt enough in life. Speaking for myself, I had children with someone thinking I'd be with him forever. Eventually, things got bad enough and I had emotionally separated myself so much that I've had to cut my losses. Realistically, I'll probably end up completely alone for a long time since it appears most men seem to look at me like I'm some piece of ass without much regard for my feelings in the process. Whatever. It's not like I won't be busy with plenty of other things to do. His loss.

As I have no other choice, but to let my walls go up in self-preservation.....

[TexasSissy]

45. Exactly my thoughts.

[The Traveler]

3. You're missing out

Having read your posts, I suspect you're a pretty cool frood with excellent taste in women. If you like her, there's a reason. Kids aren't that scary. They provide enormous growth opportunities and endless hours of amusement and revelation.

But don't worry. Someone else will not be closed to the experience. She'll be fine.

Why not just be the boy friend for a while, take it one day at a time, open up a little for both of them and see if you like the experience?

[HEyHEY]

4. What if I like the kid and hate the mom?

Then the kid get sreally attached and I have to give him the "I'm going on vacation" speech?

[TaleWgnDg]

6. You are asking the correct questions . . . seriously.

You are asking the correct questions . . . seriously. Better you should ask, ponder before leaping instead of leaping first.

Why not have a full discussion with the mother and ask her to contribute what she considers the pros and cons of the threesome too? Speaking as a "divorce lawyer," tis far better to get all the information with an honest attempt to analyze it before plunging! And don't sell the kid short; that is, kids can be more flexible than what we, adults, think they are.

.

[Dora]

44. Happened to my brother

I think you're right to tread cautiously.

My brother hooked up with a woman who had a young toddler daughter. He and this woman had a relationship for 2-3 years, and she made the last half of the relationship hell. The only reason he stayed as long as he did was because of her daughter - he became quite a good parent to this kid. The breakup was really hard on him, not because of the loss of the adult relationship, but because of the guilt he felt about not being there for the kid when she had such an f'ed up mother.

I say, if you're really interested in the woman, then have a date or two or three without getting the kid involved. If things are going well, ask her how she feels about it.

If you find that you're becoming more attached to the kid than to the woman, then I think you should leave the relationship.

I have a stepsister who's been actively dating and having relationships with men since her divorce (eight or nine years ago). I don't think it's actually hurt the kids (now 14 years old) to have these men passing in and out of their lives, but I don't see how it can help them either.

[The Traveler]

50. Oh ... so that's the situation?

Yer on your own, man! **grin**

[put out]

56. What happens when you fall in love with the child(ren)

and not the parent. Heartache for everyone, but especially for the little ones. They don't have control over any of the games adults play, and they can't really understand.

Nothing shallow nor immature about not letting a relationship happen, if you know in the beginning it will not bring you the things you want.

[Skittles]

7. it's not bad

if you don't feel ready to be part of a child's life you should indeed do the right thing and excuse yourself. It cannot be done half-way.

[Anarcho-Socialist]

9. I would have stuck with her, women like that can be hard to find

But it's your decision.

[B Calm]

10. If you scrapped it all because she had a kid, you never really

loved her.

[Rabrrrrrr]

12. Bwuhahahahaha!

[JVS]

43. LOL

nice

[bunkerbuster1]

11. That's just being responsible

If you're not ready to be a father figure to a child, then you shouldn't be getting serious with a "girl" (girl?) who has a kid.

So I don't think that's being a "bastard," not at all.

[Rabrrrrrr]

13. Not pricky at all. Taking on a kid is a huge responsibility,

and not everyone is called to have a child, neither does everyone have a desire to take care of one or have one in their life.

No, not a bastard at all.

You're honest with yourself, and that's the height of maturity and responsibility.

[La Lioness Priyanka]

32. i second rabrr

i wouldnt date anyone with a child either. its just not my thing

[rbnyc]

14. It's good to know your limitations.

If you don't want or are not ready to have a kid around, then you shouldn't hook up with someone who has a kid.

[StopTheMorans]

15. not a bastard at all; it's the right thing to do. if you can't handle the

kid, you're not being fair to either her/her kid, or yourself.

[radwriter0555]

16. Best thing you can do IS run the other way. You would only divide her

family.

Move on to a gal without kids. No biggie!

[BiggJawn]

17. If I had known then what I know NOW....

There ain't no "Brady Bunch".
I had FOUR (count 'em) FOUR step-kids.

8 years of constant war waged on me, with LOTS of guidance and coaching from Granny (Their dad's mom)...

If you're not comfortable about kids and want to "break it off" because of them, you're not being "pricky", you're being honest.

And why any single parent would want to rip your ass for that, I can't understand. There's plenty of people out there who LIKE kids for us to choose from.

My GF deserves major props for putting up with MY kid. Teen-aged Goth girls are NO fun! (unless you're a teen-age Goth yourself)

[Murphys_Unlawful]

18. You are immature! It's the best thing you...

scrapping it. You wouldn't last. Probably the best/only decision you ever made. Something like that, when a child is involved, needs responsibility and you have none.

[StopTheMorans]

20. i disagree with most of what you just said.

immaturitywould be going into a relationship like this in spite of the fact that you knew you weren't comfortable dating someone with a child. it wouldn't be fair to the woman, the child, or yourself. it's not "immature" if you don't want a child in your life. children are a personal decision, and wanting them vs. not wanting them is NO hallmark of immaturity whatsoever...

[Left Is Write]

22. I agree with you. When I was a single mother, I had a few

potential relationships that never took off because the man wasn't willing or able to have a child in his life. With most of them, immaturity wasn't the issue.

[Murphys_Unlawful]

33. The immature thing might have been too much for some...

All I was saying, if you are mature enough, it could work. If the kid was a problem for you, you are probably not ready to settle down completely. With the child or even a woman with no child.

[Rabrrrrrr]

35. Oh, give it a frickin' rest.

Maturity has nothing to do with it. It isn't any more mature to have a child than not to have a child, and it takes no more maturity to have a child than it takes to decide to not have a child.

Maturity has to do with knowing what you want and being honest with yourself about it.

Maturity is not measured by one's willingness to bring a child into your life.

Sheesh.

[Left Is Write]

37. "If you are mature enough, it could work."

That's the part people are having a problem with. Not wanting a child, not wanting to parent a child, does NOT necessarily equal "not mature enough." There are plenty of mature folks out there who do not wish to be parents, period.

One of the men with whom it didn't work for me was a divorced father of two himself. Not wanting to make a new family with me and my child wasn't a sign of immaturity. He had raised two children of his own and did not have a desire to start over with a young child. It wasn't an issue of him not being "mature enough." It was simply not what he wanted in life. He was being realistic, and it probably saved me a lot of heartache.

[SarahB]

25. Exactly.

The best thing he could do if this is an issue is just leave her alone. Why mess with her head to begin with and start something if that's how he feels?

[Murphys_Unlawful]

31. I'm simply saying...

you would not have the maturity level to handle a kid. If you did, you might go for it.

[StopTheMorans]

34. exactly. and again, i'm saying that there is absolutely NO correlation

between maturity and being able to handle a kid. it's a personal choice, and the two are not related. there are many extremely immature people who have kids, and there are many very mature adults who do not have and do not want kids (for a variety of reasons). you're missing the point; the two are not related, and it is extremely condescending of you to keep inferring that they are...

[Rabrrrrrr]

27. Wow. That was really, amazingly, utterly assholish of you to say that.

:wow:

What an insipid braindead opinion you offered us. Gosh, I feel like my intelligence has been lessened.



Man, some people are touchy about others not wanting kids. What the hell is up with that? Is it really that threatening, that some people don't want kids? I don't get it at all.

[Murphys_Unlawful]

38. Ok, ok, ok...

Look! Child involved, sure helps to be mature. Too many children out there that have some fuggin' stupid ass parents. And if this person ended the relationship with the female because a child was involved, seems a lil shallow. If you really like someone, you should really like most of what they are about. Especially the child. Doesn't sound like this guy liked the female that much. Remember, my opinion. And sorry if my comments offended mature people that don't want kids. It wasn't meant that way. This guy should have put a stop to the whole thing ASAP. I get the feeling that he had known her for a while.

[HEyHEY]

41. No, I met her last night

Had a great conversation...there was a window of oppurtunity... but the kid thing freaked me out. So I DID put a stop to it.

[Murphys_Unlawful]

42. Then good for you...

I just had a feeling you had known her for a while. Makes more sense.

[Shananigans]

40. Wuw! That's a little tough there!

Just because he isn't ready to deal with kids in his life doesn't mean he is irresponsble and immature. It just means he wants different things from his life now. I can tell you that for myself, at the age of 25, I have no interest in playing mommy to any child. Dating someone with a kid is a difficult thing and I have seen numerous friends go through it...why take a risk like this if you KNOW you aren't ready/don't have a desire for it?

Edit: I can't spell :)

[Magrittes Pipe]

19. Far less prickish than just treating the kid like shit.

If you don't want or aren't ready for kids, backing off is the right thing to do.

[bobbobbins]

21. I only date virgins, so i wouldn't know

[MissMillie]

23. It's your loss

I mean really, who wants to be around someone they like and find attractive?

[StopTheMorans]

24. that doesn't logically follow. a kid is a personal choice, and if

it is a dealbreaker, then there's nothing wrong with that, as long as you're honest about your intentions. unless you're saying that you can like a woman with a kid without having to consider the kid as a part of it the situation (which I doubt that you are stating), then that statement just doesn't follow...

[MissMillie]

28. I didn't say there was anything wrong with it

I just said it's his loss.

I'm 40 years old and single, and that's because it's been really difficult to find people that I like well enough to let them get to know me.

HeyHey LIKES this woman. To me, that's HUGE.

You start out dating... and unless I'm wrong, I'm betting that HeyHey isn't planning on dating the kid--so the kid isn't part of the equation, at least not at first.

[StopTheMorans]

29. well, if you know that you definitely do not want a kid as part of your

life for the foreseeable future, then it's not fair at all to start dating the woman, as the kid will eventually play a role in the relationship (and will become the elephant under the bed if they both try to ignore the child for a long period of time). hence, he'd just be risking hurting the woman's feelings if he were not really willing to entertain the option of a serious relationship with a woman who has a child. it's not fair to the woman, first and foremost, and that's why it's not fair for anyone...

[kick-ass-bob]

26. I'd answer, but...

your post now says 'Ignored'.

:P

:hi:

[buddhamama]

30. not bastardly at all

you or whomever are actually doing the Lady and her kid a favor.

[drumwolf]

36. I voted for option #2.

If you're not ready to deal with being around a kid, you may or may not be hurting the girl in the short term, but in the long term you would be risking more harm to her -- and more importantly, her kid -- if you stayed around.

Rearing kids is not something to be taken lightly, and there are way too many individuals involved in it (whether actual parents, step-parents or just SO's of parents) who have no business being so.

[Worst Username Ever]

39. I've done that more than once.

[JVS]

46. Don't see why you couldn't have just porked her a lot without commitment

A good compromise :-)

[redqueen]

47. Just noticed you just met her

You did the right thing.

Still... it makes me sad.

[JVS]

48. On a more serious note, this reminds me of a friend's sister

She has a kid and wishes to find a Boyfriend cum Husband, but she is so pissed off about the fact that her relationship with the father of her child didn't work out that she is incapable of maintaining a relationship with any man who has had a child already. She views them as villains because she views her ex as a villain. This significantly reduces the pool of possible candidates for her because, as her brother points out to her, most guys who haven't fathered children are happy that thay haven't done so and would prefer an unattached Gf/wife.

[johnnie]

49. Not a bastard at all

A lot of the answers on here I agree with. Not wanting to deal with a child in starting out a relationship is just as valid as any other reason not to pursue a relationship.
And as you say, if it splits up you might end up hurting the kid and that sucks, I know this from experience.
Of course, me being 40 the chances are if I meet someone there is a good possibility that they will have children. But, I'm OK with it. That also depends on the children too though.

[Dastard Stepchild]

51. I dumped someone for not liking cats...

So, you know, this seems entirely fine to me. :)

[KitchenWitch]

52. I voted for "You're on my ignore list"

just to be an ass. You are not on my ignore list LOL.

[Schema Thing]

53. She probably just wanted to use you for non-committed sex, but oh well.

[catzies]

54. When my daughter was little, she never even met most of my dates

She'd go to her dad's every other weekend, and that was when I lived my life. Worked for years like that and she never met most of the guys I dated briefly.

So, it's all in how old is the kid, and if she's trying to do the family thing with you or not. Not every woman does, you know.

[WoodrowFan]

55. you are pure concentrated evil

just kidding.


I didn't vote, no choice for "clicky thing"

[Heddi]

57. Right on! No sweat from me

I had a roommate that had a 5yr old son.

She'd date guys and not tell them til the 5th or 6th date that she had a kid...TOTALLY underhanded. She KNEW what she was doing ("those assholes won't buy me dinner if they knew I had a kid"). She'd tell them "Oh, I thought I mentioned him earlier...."

Then she'd get pissed if the guys didn't want to see her anymore. I had SO many arguments with her over this. My view is: we're not obligated to like anyone for any reason.

Strangely enough, SHE refused to date guys with kids. Too much baggage. I ain't gonna be nobody else's momma.....Lori, thy name is hypocrite.....(sorry..personal rant).

My husband and I don't have kids. I dated a guy many years ago that had I think 3 kids. I didn't like it, and wouldn't have stayed with him any longer than I did. What can I say---it was a downer having a 3 year old running around. I like getting high, getting drunk, and having alot of sex. Three year olds don't mix well with that...

THEN...there was the ex-girlfriend(s) to deal with, who ALL hated me solely because I was going out with their baby's daddy...who I had to constantly remind that I was NOT interested in being a step-mother to their child so they could just chill out...

Too much. I wouldn't date a guy with kids, and if my husband had kids, I wouldn't be married to him.

Don't let the crazies on this thread get you down. It's your life. You know what makes you happy. You didn't sign a fucking contract with her (did you.....??? )

:)

[Renew Deal]

58. Perfectly fine

especially if you are young.