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If you elect me to be your president, and give me, ummmm, let's it call it 'broad emergency powers', I will do my very best to set America back onto a positive evolutionary cultural and social trajectory.
Give me just one year of these broad emergency powers, and I will kickstart the evolutionary process.
How will I do this?
I shall do it this way.
For one year, it shall be an immediately executable offense, without benefit of a trial, to:
1. Own more than one Thomas Kinkade painting; or if you must own one, because someone in your family was dumb enough to think you would like it, you can't have it hanging on the walls at any time that that particular person isn't at your home. That person, however, will be hunted down and terminated.
2. Be Thomas Kinkade
3. Be Beyonce, Celine, Brittney, Destiny's Child, Marky Mark, Rick Springfield, David Cassidy, or any other pop musician, past or present
4. Chew food with your mouth open
5. Chew gum
6. Litter
7. Talk like street trash
8. Serve Jell-O as a "salad"
9. Serve Jell-O at any function that has more people than you
10. Be behind someone in your car, then hit the accelerator and weave through traffic so you can switch lanes, cut in front of that car, then get in front of it, all in time so that you can slam on your brakes to take the exit
11. To have more than 1/4 of your home's wall space taken up by sports memorabilia, unless you are a sports museum, or a professional sports player, or a stadium
12. To be an Illinois person inside the Wisconsin boundary
13. Wear your pants around your ankle
14. Be a white male, in an all-white suburb, who's closest touch with foreigners was the time you accidentally went into a Chi-Chis instead of the Taco Bell, who has dreadlocks
15. Not return your shopping cart
16. Use straws, unless medically necessary
17. Use paper plates and plastic silverware at any time that it isn't an absolute emergency situation
18. Think that gays, lesbians, etc., and/or minorites and/or women shouldn't all rights and priveleges accorded to them by God and the US Constitution
19. Believe in Creation Science, Intelligent Design, or whatever the hell obfuscatory bullshit term the fundy crispies come up for their brand of fake science
20. Think your religion is superior to all others
21. Not turn your car off when you pump gas
22. Not bus your own table at restaurants that have self-bussing
23. Have children you don't love or want
24. Buy into whatever is "faddish" and "trendy" because you're too stupid to think for yourself
25. Talk excessively loudly, unless medically necessary
26. Talk on a cell phone in a restaurant, theater, or while you are helping customers; or, while an employee is helping you
27. Eat while you are doing customer service - whether on the phone, or running the register, or working the floor
28. Refuse to believe that Civil War is over, and that the issues of the time are no longer relevant, so just get over it already
29. Wear perfume that anyone other than your honey can smell
30. Have big hair, unless genetically necessary
31. Have fingernails more than 0.375 inches long; especially if you feel the need to tap and rap them on everything
32. Play your music loud enough that your neighbor can hear it; whether it's your home stereo, or your walkman while you are walking the street or riding the subway; or its your car
33. Speak derogatorily and demeaningly to a woman
34. Have a library that's more than 1/4 romance novels, or 1/8 car or sports magazines
35. Have more than two necklaces on, and wear them OVER your clothing
36. Be rude to the elderly
37. Not hold a door for someone who obviously needs you to hold it
38. Be a man who wears his hat inside, esp. a restaurant
39. Be a man who doesn't offer his seat to a woman
40. Be any gender who doesn't offer your seat to someone who needs it more than you
41. Take up more than one seat at a time, unless the seat really isn't needed by anyone
42. Watch more than one hour of any shopping channel a day
43. Think Dennis Miller is funny
44. Be Tom Cruise or Ron Howard
45. Tailgate when driving OR when pushing shopping carts around in the store
46. Block traffic in the store with your ignorant, unthinking cart placement
47. Think that everything is either black or white
48. Wear sunglasses inside (no, you don't look "all that", you look "idiot")
49. Use the prase "all that" outside of using it ironically or sarcastically
50. Not "get" irony or sarcasm
51. Not "get" Monty Python
52. Use the word "cute" as your catch-all adjective to describe things other than kitties, puppies, or other things that actually are cute, because you can't come up with any other word
53. Say things like "Well, like, I was just sayin'" and "So I was all like whatever" and etc.
54. Eat at the Olive Garden or Applebees in Times Square on your trip to NYC
55. Be a national news media guy/gal that isn't hammering home for the American people that an election has been stolen, twice; that we are in an illegal war; that our president is a war criminal; and that the republican party is full of "moral values" fucking hypocrites who engage in immoral, unethical, and often criminal activities way worse than anything they ever have dissed democrats for.
Oh, there's gotta be more! But just this list would reduce the population by at least half; and that's a hell of a good place to start to rebuild a nation of intelligent, non-slack-jawed, tasteful, contributors to human evolution.
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