As long as we're talking about Right-Wing insults...here's today's lesson

[Plaid Adder]

I wrote this a long time ago; I saved it because it was my very first flame. It was the end of a long flamewar on a Star Trek list in which some troglodyte was calling me and a few other women feminazis, sperm receptacles, "rhinobutt," and many other such witty insults. Realizing that our opponent was at a disadvantage in a battle of wits, I wrote this up to help him out. Enjoy.

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< - Plaidder's Handy Rhetorical Tip for the Day - >
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In the interest of making the flame war that is now taking place between Dr. Mike and the forces of reason more like a real fencing bout and less like a group of heavily armed elite commandos bludgeoning a banana slug to death, I offer, free of charge, a short course in the uses of rhetoric and invective.

For instance, Dr. Mike, an attack based solely on insulting one's opponent's physical appearance is rarely entirely successful. It is especially inappropriate to your medium, which in this case is email, as you cannot possibly have any idea what your opponent looks like. Your constant application of the epithet "rhinobutt" to a woman of whose radiant form you have never been vouchsafed a glimpse tells us less about your opponent than about your own gluteal obsessions.

Speaking of obsession, although there is certainly classical precedent for this in the great eighteenth-century scatological tradition, this constant return to the metaphor of the asshole is not serving you well, my friend. The rhetoric of the rectum is a double-edged sword and can be turned against its wielder with relative ease, especially if he wields it with all the intelligence and finesse of a rhinoceros with an elephant gun. For instance, your comment characterizing liberal and/or tolerant individuals as people who "couldn't find their own assholes with a roadmap and a flashlight" could easily be turned around on you. Your targets might respond: Is that how you normally locate yours? Mine wouldn't be large enough to appear on a roadmap but perhaps yours is, I wouldn't think the flashlight would be much use to you since things must look awful dark when you've got your head stuck up your own nether throat, personally I'm not that interested in finding my asshole as long as I know it's doing its job, how long have you had this anxiety about the whereabouts of your own rectum, is it because you so often get it confused with your head, etc. etc. I understand that you find the topic fascinating, but most of us were toilet trained quite some time ago and since then have lost interest in the matter.

Also, you are mistaken in your belief that if you can only establish that your opponent is sexually undesirable you will then win the argument. As stated above, you are in no position to evaluate your opponent's possible sex appeal, as you have never seen her. Your opponent's physical appearance may not in fact match the mental image of her you have formed from reading her posts. You, for instance, may not actually be five feet tall with severe acne, intractable body odor and an inveterate habit of picking your nose, no matter how much you *sound* like that when you write. In any case,
the question is not, can your opponent get a date, but rather, is your opponent's position valid. Falling back on tactics like this suggest either lack of wit or frantic desperation in the face of an argument that actually *is* logical and well-reasoned. Or both.

Finally, it is not generally to your advantage to come across as irrational, paranoid, puerile, and belligerent. This, obviously, will be a big hurdle for you to overcome, but if you work at it a little bit each day you will eventually make progress. A good place to start, for instance, is to realize that while constantly referring to your opponent as "rhinobutt" may make you feel better, your reading public will tire of this game long before you have.

To conclude: sarcasm and irony are sharp and dangerous tools, and should be used only by an adult or under adult supervision. Perhaps you could get your parents to help you next time you want to compose a flame. Otherwise, I would recommend that you give up this hobby before you do yourself or those around you a serious injury. Give the list a rest.
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12 years old, but still true,

The Plaid Adder

[Midlodemocrat]

1. Very funny. I even printed it off.

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

2. beautiful!

Thanks for sharing!

[LiberalFighter]

3. Loved it

[keopeli]

4. Superb! Brava!