PRESENTED IN GLORIOUS DERBYSCOPE
FILM PROCESSING WOULD HAVE BEEN DONE BY TODD-AO IF FILM WAS INVOLVED(Setting: The feared pirate ship
HMS Katherine Harris, out on the high seas. CAPPY DICK CHENEY is at the wheel.)
MUSIC CUE: http://www.cosemporium.com/emp_music/lerue2/2.mp3CAPPY DICK
Ahhrrr!! Hoist the colors, Mehlman! We've plundered Ohio of its electoral booty, and I feel ten years younger!! Shiver me timbers!
(GEORGE THE CABIN BOY runs up to CAPPY DICK, carrying his parrot, CONDI COCKATOO, on his shoulder.)
GEORGE THE CABIN BOY
Uncle Dick! Uncle Dick! I got a great idea!
CAPPY DICK
(Loud sigh) Hello, George. What's this big idea of yours?
GEORGE
I thought we could get Condi here to fly over to that ship we just sank, the
Iraqi Freedom, and taunt them some more.
CONDI COCKATOO
Squawk! Impugn my integrity! Impugn my integrity! Squawk!
CAPPY DICK
Actually, George, I have a better idea, if you'd keep that damn bird quiet for just a moment.
GEORGE
What is it, Uncle Dick?
MUSIC CUE: http://www.cosemporium.com/emp_music/lerue1/8.mp3CAPPY DICK
You know who the easiest swabs are to plunder, George?
GEORGE
Who's that, Uncle Dick? This sounds fun!
CAPPY DICK
The elderly, George. They can't run that far, they're always too busy fussing over their damn cats to know what you're doing, and they've got their life savings tied up on a dinghy called the
HMS Social Security.
GEORGE
So if we hit
Social Security, we can be filthy rich?
CAPPY DICK
Exactly. But we gotta be careful, George. That ship's got those liberal scalawags from that rust bucket, the
Barbara Boxer, escorting it to port.
CONDI COCKATOO
Squawk! Squawk! Impugn my integrity!
CAPPY DICK
I said shut that damn bird up! Ahhrrr, Georgie, we must use stealth to plunder the
Social Security, and that means sneaking past the Barbie scum.
GEORGE
How do we do that, Uncle Dick? Should I declare a mandate?
CAPPY DICK
We already tried that at Port Washington; the local scalawags pelted our ship with eggs, snowballs, and letters from collection agencies.
MUSIC CUE: http://www.cosemporium.com/emp_music/lerue2/3.mp3What we gotta do is convince the
Barbara Boxer that we want to
safeguard the loot in the other ship's hold, gain their trust so that they let us board the
Social Security and start "guarding" all that sweet treasure. Then, when they least expect it, we'll send Bug-Eyed Tom and "Fingers" Frist to cut their scurvy throats and bag all the loot!
GEORGE
Yeah! And I can do my Trump impersonation when I cut throats! "You're FIRED! You're FIRED!"
CAPPY DICK
George, I can't trust you with a toothpick, much less a dagger. If it weren't for your dad...
GEORGE
What was that, Uncle Dick? Condi was nibbling me ear again.
CAPPY DICK
Ahrr, George, 'tweren't nothing, I was just thinking of chum. But once the elderly are under our power, maybe we can let you have some fun with them.
GEORGE
Iraq was a lot of fun, too, wasn't it, Uncle Dick?
CAPPY DICK
It sure was, George. It sure was. Ahrrrr!!
MUSIC CUE: http://www.cosemporium.com/emp_music/lerue2/4.mp3(BUG-EYED TOM runs up to CAPPY DICK and GEORGE.)
BUG-EYED TOM
Cap'n, you're not gonna like this! The
Barbara Boxer has pulled to starboard, an' they brought company - the
Constitution!!
CAPPY DICK
Oh, fuck the
Leahy. That's an ironclad ship we're facing now.
GEORGE
Can't we pretend the
Constitution doesn't exist?
CAPPY DICK
And have its ten-pounders reduce us to matchsticks and shark food? Ahrr, boy, I'll not have that tomfoolery out of your ignorant mouth. We'll have to destroy the
Constitution in order to get to the elderly's loot!
CONDI COCKATOO
Squawk! George is my husband! George is my husband! Squawk!
CAPPY DICK
(Groan) Bug-Eyed Tom, rouse the hands and pass out the cutlasses! Tell Hot Karl to load our cannons with old Diebold touchscreens! That oughta sink the
Constitution for sure!!
MUSIC CUE: http://www.cosemporium.com/emp_music/lerue1/1.mp3Will Cappy Dick sink the Constitution and raid the hull of Barbara Boxer? Will Cabin Boy George ever marry that damn bird? And can this premise get any sillier? Does anyone really care? Stay tuned!!(All music composed and performed by Le'rue Delashay, who didn't have a damn thing to do with all this nonsense. Kisses!!)
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