How can I convince my brother's partner to join us for a family event

[MissMillie]

Last year my brother Larry (a fundie) drew a line in the sand when he informed my brother Tom and sisters Chris and Marge that their partners were not welcome at his home.

Marge is so heart-broken that she now says, "my brother died last year".

We have an annual event coming up in June. It's not at Larry's house, but Tom's partner Drew won't come because Larry has made him feel unwelcome. (Tom and Drew live in FL... so we don't get to see either of them very often.)

I love all of my family very much (yes, even Larry) but I am very upset that his ignorance and bigotry will now make me miss an opportunity to visit w/ Drew.

Is there any way to get Drew to come anyway? Seriously, Larry is the only one that makes Drew feel unwelcome; the rest of us love Drew--he's family.

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

1. Who's house is it at?

If it's yours, Tom's, Chris', or Marge's, tell Drew that he is indeed welcome and that if Larry can't handle it, Larry can stay home.

[MissMillie]

3. It's at a rented hall

and Larry won't miss the event, no matter what. He doesn't have any problem being with "sinners". He just won't let them into his home unless they're "family" (within the fundie definition of "family").

I think Drew knows that the rest of us would love to visit with him, and that it's just Larry that feels this way. But he's hurt enough to stay away.

And it SUCKS

[Nicholas D Wolfwood]

5. Just tell him

He's a part of your family. The vast majority of the family stands by him. And one person should never stand in your way from being with the people you love.

I understand he's hurt, but especially since he has your and everyone else's support, he needs to stand up for himself too.

[Richard Steele]

2. Tell Drew what you just told us:

That you all love him (but one)...

That he is FAMILY...

And ignorance and bigotry shouldn't prevent you from seeing each other.

Besides, it sounds like you all have Larry kinda outnumbered, eh?

[jswordy]

4. Sure, invite Drew and guarantee him he will not be intimidated...

...because you will not tolerate it. Then tell Larry that the Lord says to turn the other cheek, and he'd better be nice or he's not welcome at your house. Explain to him that you love him and really want him there, but that family times should be good times, so he needs to check his attitude at the door and practice the tolerance Christ preached while in your house.

If Larry comes and fails to act his age, immediately take him aside and warn him privately. If it continues, tell him he must leave.

What he does at his place is up to him, but YOU make the rules at yours. I am getting real tired of liberal folks allowing the conservatives to run the show by intimidation. Stand on your own two feet firmly and set the rules in your own home!

UNDER EDIT: I see it is at a rented hall in your posts. But it is still YOUR event. So you set the rules. If Larry wishes to ostracize himself, there's nothing you can do about it. Stand up to the oppressor! You cannot please all the people all the time. So please yourself.

[BR_Parkway]

6. Since they are coming from FL, put Tom & Drew up at your house

then you get to visit with them and hopefully make him feel comfortable. As for Larry, I'd tell him he's not welcome at the event.

[MissMillie]

7. It's not my event

My sister Patti is the one who organizes this event, and it's meant to be for all of us.

But you know, there's part of me that says that cutting Larry out of things that I am planning or hosting is just as bad as him doing that to Drew, or Sue (Chris's partner), or Kerry (Marge's partner). Larry is my brother, and I love him, and he'll always be welcome in my home.

[jswordy]

11. It's great that you love him and you should not cut him out...

...but what I am talking about is a matter of GOOD MANNERS, not religious conviction or anything else, and if my guests display bad manners that cause other guests discomfort, I tell them to leave. Period.

Would you allow someone who openly uses the "n-word" to attend a mixed race event you held? If you did, I am sure you would let that person know the use of that word is forbidden.

What you all are doing is allowing Larry to set the landscape, to run the show and to become the 900-pound gorilla in the room that makes everyone else dance to his tune. STOP DANCING!

Not in my house, or at my event, would he do that. Life's too short. And you know, since they all know this fact about me, family and friends know where the line is and they either display good manners or else they themselves choose not to come.

Either way, problem resolved.

In life, you either allow yourself to be the doormat or the door. Take your pick.

[Justitia]

8. Shame on his manners!

Putting aside his "religious" objections (and the more ridiculous "family only" restriction), Miss Manners says that when one invites an adult to an event and allows them to bring a guest (meaning ALL invitees), you absolutely CANNOT DICTATE to them whom they may bring as a guest! That is sooo rude! The invitation is for "Tom and Guest". If he wants to bring Drew, Aunt Myrtle or his freakin' postman, it is at Tom's discretion!

So, shame Larry's sense of manners and decorum (assumptive, I know) and tell him he is being highly rude and irregular and as a well-mannered person, you will HAVE NONE OF IT. Then, he can decide if he still wants to attend. If not, his loss, and frankly, everyone will probably enjoy themselves all the more for it.

Good luck.

[jswordy]

13. GREAT POST! We were writing the same thing, at the same time.

[Rabrrrrrr]

9. Disinvite Larry

There are times when you gotta say "Much as love you, and you are my brother, you make everyone else uncomfortable; and given the choice between a party with just you, or the rest of the fmaily minus you, I'm taking the family. Unless you can behave."

And if you can't disinvite him, then let him show up alone wherver the hell the party is, and the rest of you go somewhere else.

[arwalden]

10. That's Truly Sad That His Christian Beliefs Cause Him To Be So Cruel...

... and bigoted, and that it has such a widespread effect on so many others in your family.

Call Drew and let him know how you feel. Get some other family members on the line (conference call or set up a speaker phone) to reassure him that he's loved and welcome... and that everyone would be disappointed not to see him.

Maybe by his hearing many voices expressing their love and acceptance, it will extinguish the ignorance and bigotry of one.

-- Allen

[jswordy]

12. Those are not Christian beliefs, PERIOD!

Christ preached tolerance above all else. The man must weep daily from the beyond at what has been wrought in his name.

[arwalden]

14. Yes, I Know... But Sadly Those are HIS Christian Beliefs...

and even though I don't know Larry, based on what Millie has shared with us, it's not too difficult to imagine that Larry would argue against being tolerant because isn't the Christian thing to do. Repent or burn! :eyes:

I hope MissMillie is able to take the lead on this and get the family to come together and show their love and support DESPITE the hurtful words of just one.

-- Allen

[jswordy]

17. Then Larry is not a Christian...Jesus did NOT...

...I repeat

NOT

preach "repent or burn."

That is Old Covenant, Old Testament. Christ was (according to a precept of the faith) sent by God to establish a New Covenant of Forgiveness.

Half these assholes calling themselves Christian would face a major attitude adjustment if they simply sat down and Read the whole Bible, rather than listening to what someone ELSE says it tells humanity.

[arwalden]

18. They Don't Meet Your Definition Of What A Christian Ought To Be...

... nor mine... but they are indeed Christians. Unfortunately we don't get the luxury of deciding for other people what they are or aren't.

>> Half these assholes calling themselves Christian would face a major attitude adjustment if they simply sat down and Read the whole Bible, rather than listening to what someone ELSE says it tells humanity. <<

Damn! That's a quotable-quote! Send that in to Reader's Digest! I love it!

[jonnyblitz]

16. I wish christians would come to a consensus on their beliefs

everybody makes up their own rules and beliefs to whatever suits them in that religion.

[Flaxbee]

15. ok, no matter how ridiculous Larry's wishes are, it kinda sounds

to me like Drew is pouting or being manipulative, too. Especially b/c the event is not at Larry's house and because he knows the rest of you love him and want to see him.

Larry's got you dancing one way, Drew's got you guys dancing another.

They're both adults. Tell Larry he's got to be tolerant, turn the other cheek, etc., and tell Drew he's welcome, you'd all love to see him and that he will in no way be harassed. One guy with a bad attitude (Larry) should not be a reason for Drew to not see lots and lots of people he loves/who love and welcome him.

[bearfan454]

19. Fuck Larry

Tell Larry that Drew is welcome there and if he doesn't like it then tough shit, don't come yourself Larry.