Things the nuns told me in grammar school:

[zanne]

1. If you're not Catholic, you're going to hell.
2. If you don't go to Sunday mass, you're going to hell.
3. If you have sex outside of marriage, you're going to hell.
4. If you chew on a communion host, blood will pour from it
5. If you are killed in battle, you're going to heaven.
6. If you're a nun, you're going to heaven.
7. When you die, unless you're an innocent baby, you'll spend some time suffering in purgatory.
8. If a baby dies that is not baptized, it goes to "limbo".

As I mentioned, these are just a few of my favorites. Are there any Catholic school survivors out there with good nun quotes?

[ret5hd]

1. if you don't shut up...

i will rap your knuckles with this ruler!

(not really) but really, i did spend 9 yrs in catholic schools...

[Zerex71]

2. I'm already suffering in Purgatory

i.e. Bush's Amerikkka.

[flakey_foont]

3. Brutal

I spent 7 years in Catholic school with some really rough nuns!! How rough... well, at last year's Wrestlemania, I see that my 1st and 3rd grade teachers had won the Tag Team Championship belts - in the men's division!!!! ....
I should have had an idea of how bad it was on my first day of school by the Harley's in the convent parking lot, and the Soldier of Fortune magazine on the nun's desk. The tatoos were a little scary too. But seriously, they didn't teach religion - they beat it into you, and scared the poop out of little kids with stories of eternal damnation.

[Bonhomme Richard]

4. You are a " Brazen Article"

Whatever the hell that means. The Nuns called me that all the time. LOL

[Bunny]

5. Two more lessons from Sister Mary Torquemada:

1. Unless and until you get to confession, every sin you commit leaves a black mark on your soul. Too many black marks, you're toast.

2. The use of the word "miracle" in Miracle Whip is a sacrilege. Only God can perform miracles, the mayo substitute cannot.

[zanne]

6. I'd forgotten about the black marks!

This is hilarious. In fifth grade, the nun used to have hearts drawn on the blackboard; one heart for each student, with our names underneath them. If somebody talked in class or something, she's take the chalk and put a "mark" on your heart. If you did something really bad, she's draw a BIG mark!

[blindpig]

7. You bold thing!!

Heard that a lot. Also:

The greatest gift you could give your mother was to join the priesthood.

All communist were atheist and going to hell.

(addition to #4) the blood would fill the church and drown you.

wish I could remember more. The Horror!

[Bouncy Ball]

8. Not a Catholic, never been to Sunday mass,

and had sex outside of marriage, so I'm obviously going STRAIGHT to hell, but I have a question: does #5 cancel out # 1-3?

Just wondering.

[samplegirl]

9. I had 8yrs in catholic schools

and im in D.U. enough said

[GOPBasher]

10. LOL With regards to number 2, are you allowed to

miss ANY Sunday ever in your entire life? Or if you miss one, you're already in hell. I'm just wondering. Perhaps they have a quota, like, you can only miss 2% of the Sunday's in your life; if you get to 2.1%, you have an eternal problem. Just curious. :shrug:

[jmowreader]

11. According to George Carlin...

A mortal sin was a grievous offense, sufficient reflection and full consent of the will. You had to wanna! In fact, "wanna" was a sin all by itself.

Which, in regards to number two, means that if you miss going to Mass because you were in a traffic accident the day before, were out saving lepers somewhere there was no Catholic church, or were fighting a fire, you can still go to Heaven. But if you miss Mass because you were sleeping off a hangover, standing in line at Lowe's or attending a Republican convention, start investing in asbestos underwear.

There are some people (like Jimmy Guckert) who figure that two churchings a year is plenty. These people are all going to hell.

[GOPBasher]

12. Got'cha LOL n/t

[skygazer]

13. This is where it pays to be an atheist

No fear, no guilt. Give it your best shot, Nun! I am impervious to your dire predictions!

[CanuckAmok]

14. Grade 4 "science" class:

Men still have one less rib than women, because Eve was created out of Adam's rib.

When my mom heard this, it was the end of my Catholic schooling. We weren't Catholic anyway.

[Redstone]

15. And you remember this stuff very well

because they beat it into you with the blackboard pointer, didn't they?

Christ, the nuns were sadistic. I hear things are better in Catholic schools these days.

Redstone