How do you deal with door-to-door evangelists?

[TXlib]

Inspired by Interrobang's thread:

1. "Wow, your god sounds great! How'd you like to meet him now?"

2. "Wanna become a martyr? If you're still here when I come back, you will!"

3. Squat down, so you're eye-level with their children, and start telling them about secular humanism.

4. "Igor, more Christians! Quick, fetch the bonesaw!"*

5. ??? (Your suggestions, please?)

*If anybody wants, I'll repost the story...

[synthia]

1. Open the door nekid....works for me

.

[TXlib]

2. What if they're NOT evangelists?

[ForrestGump]

43. Worse....what if it's Jimmy Swaggart and Jim Bakker

out cruising for chicks?

I think I need to start evangelizing......

[ScreamingMeemie]

3. I just don't answer the door...

works like a charm...

[curse10]

4. I say

Actually, I prefer being a heathen. Thank you, though.

[Alenne]

5. I don't open the door

Through the closed door I tell them I am not interested and walk away.

[ForrestGump]

44. I basically never open the door, to anyone

It's been many years since someone that I've wanted to see has knocked on my door without first checking in with me by phone or whatever. 'Surprise" knocks on doors tend to mean an unwelcome visitor.

[Alenne]

53. I don't either

I have had people beg for me to just open the door.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

6. Usually Jehovahs' witnesses. I tell them I can't be one

because I didn't see the accident.

[Bluzmann57]

10. As I said earlier

Offer 'em a beer and then when they say no tell them AMF. Works every time for me.I haven't been bothered by those people for many years.

[TXlib]

31. AMF?

Decode, please...

[joycep]

12. That is so funny

I never thought of that!

[sasquatch]

7. Send them to a bad niehbor

A friend of mine used to have a guy who lived across the street from him that was a member of the KKK. Every time a Jehovah witness showed up at his door he would tell'em that he was an athiest but, "the people across the street were christian people".

[BOSSHOG]

8. Blame them for enabling bush to be a murderer,

making them an accomplice. Ask them to wait at the front door while you call the police.

Actually, evangelists do give bush the support and the thought in his little brain that he can lie, cheat and kill and still win an election in 2004.

[roguevalley]

9. I tell them I'm Jewish. Good bye.

not interested works too.

The best thing I ever did was, when some Jehovah's
Witnesses actually followed me off my porch and
around the house, my sissie's doberman -Pagan, of
all things- came around to see why I was distressed.
You never saw two people leave so fast. There is
nothing like the love of a dog, especially when they
are big, dark and satanic looking. :-D

Huge. Black and tan. Mature. Dobies have a way of
eyeballing you and you better look away when they
do or you will get jumped.

Long live Pagan. (deceased)

[Kolesar]

11. I get Jehova's Witnesses here, and I live in a Mormon neighborhood

Talk about chutzpah! I live a few blocks from an historic 19th century Mormon temple, and the Jehovas have the balls to go door to door in the most Mormon neighborhood in the state.

[KDLarsen]

18. Well, picture this...

... last week, the JW's were having their annual convention here in Copenhagen. A lot of them were arriving by plane (around 5000 from the US I found out), and unfortunantly they arrived on the same day that I had to go out and pick up my sister.

Well, lo & behold, due to some mech trouble, the flight is delayed by an hour. So I go outside (it was the first time of the year that we had 30 degrees centigrade) and lo & behold, a whole bunch of JW's are packed out there, applausing every time someone with a particular badge came out.

I had to sit there for 60 minutes, listening to the applause, and I think I was approached 5 or 6 times by people wanting to know if I was a JW, if I wanted to become a JW, if I would go to their convention, if I would mind working for the JW's and so on.

Thank god I know every inch of CPH well enough to eventually hide :D

[TheReligiousLeft]

71. Lutheran Synod meeting--Mormon Girls

The Synod I'm from held their last meeting in Salt Lake. I hung at the temple for a while. The interesting thing was I was wearing my Brussels (lived there 3 years) T-shirt and they assumed I was a strapping young mormon just back from his missions. Crazy stuff, I had to tear all these Mormon girls off me...

[silverweb]

13. On those rare occasions...

I say, "This isn't a good time and I'm just on my way out. Thank you. Good bye." Sometimes I even manage to roll my eyes just a bit as I close the door.

The same people have never come back a second time.

:evilgrin:

[Wcross]

14. No Way!

If they violate my posted sign at the road,hop the gate and walk the 200 yards to the house, it is possible. They would also have to befriend my dogs of course. I have NO visitors that have not made arrangements beforehand.

Hey, it's a lifestyle choice that works for me.

[SOteric]

15. With any unwanted guest

from salespeople, to telemarketers, to people offering me the opportunity to sign Republican-backed petitions, - I respond in fluent and perfectly inflected Italian.

I've had some pretty amusing responses, one even thought I was speaking Russian and the authorities ought to be alerted. But so far, no one has responded back in Italian. This is less likely to work in cities with a larger Italian-Americian community. Here, - it works like a dream.

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

17. Bad eyesight on my part led me to believe I read that

you respond with flatulence! Then I thought "GOSH! How come I never thought of that?"

[SOteric]

Ah yes, the famous

Burrito of Mass Destruction. :7

[Rabrrrrrr]

39. no longer outlawed, since we don't recognize treaties any more..

at least, not the inconvenient ones, even the ones we wrote. :-)

Flatulence could be a good idea - keep a can of that "fart smell" spray, which is Godawful, and just before you open the door, spray it in front of the door so they smell nothing but stink and then INSIST they step "just inside, please, so I can close the door".

Or spray it out the mail slot if you have one.

Or spray it into the space between the door and the screen door, if you have one, and then tell the evangelical "I can't open the front door unless the screen door is opened first - open it please."

Or, you know, be creative.

:-)

[nothingshocksmeanymore]

45. I refuse to pay for what I can do for free even better!

:D

[ForrestGump]

46. You know her so well

:-)

[SOteric]

47. Hey, - that fart thing was YOUR idea, Mr. StinkyPants

You're such a guy.

[ForrestGump]

48. Not just A guy, but the originator, the archetypal, the

THE guy. *James Brown imitation* Yeah!

You got a lotta nerve, lady, calling me Mr Stinkypants. I've heard tell of your own undergarb doing a fairly good impression of a spinnaker in a freshening breeze after you and the girls down a few chorizo burritoes down the local bowling alley of a Friday night.

Oh, wait..that was somebody else.

Sorry.

[SOteric]

49. Boy, I'll say it was somebody else.

I can't eat chorizo. At my weight, the resultant explosion of wind would cause me to flutter around the room backward like a spent balloon.

[ForrestGump]

50. That'd be cool!

Talk about bouncing off the walls.

All together now:

SOteric, my friend, is blowing in the wind
SOteric is blowing in the wind

[SOteric]

54. Yea verily

thou art chivalrous.

[ForrestGump]

55. Hey,

I'd pick you up when you were finished. Once my eyes stopped watering, I mean....

[Rabrrrrrr]

58. It would certainly be enough to make any evangelicals

feel uncomfortable enough to leave.

"Wow - she just blew herself around the room, and now draped over the curtain rod. We better get the hell out of here!"

[ForrestGump]

59. Fundamentalists don't take kindly to Whoopee-Cushion People

I don't know...I just suddenly feel so....so....deflated.....

[SOteric]

62. *LOL*

Stop it! Both of you, or I'll never recover my dignity.

:spank:

[Rabrrrrrr]

63. "crap- better fold her up and stick her in the Bible"

"And leave acting like nothing happened, you got that?"

[radwriter0555]

77. Big Chief Thunderpants & Princess Wind in Pants, are two

members of MY family.

I got you beat.

[GOPisEvil]

76. That's perfectly inflected flatulence, pardner!

;-)

[BiggJawn]

56. AAAAAAYYY! Paisanne!!!!

Don't hear that very often, eh?
:7

[SOteric]

57. Well, now and again, actually.

But only from family and friends, - or when I'm visiting the old neighbourhood in North Beach.

[TheBigGuy]

16. "We don't need any, We're Catholic!"

Just like any other door to door salesman...tell them you already own the product (albeit a different brand), and arnt interested in Brand X.

[sandnsea]

29. A Catholic friend says

You need a better marketing strategy. You need to have fun, like the Catholics... and they send over pretty women.

He's not known for tact.

[supernova]

19. Haven't had any door2door

action, religious or otherwise, in about 5 years.

Last time I did have visitors selling some fundy women's magazine, I told the guy I thought the expulsion of Adam and Eve was a good thing.

The conversation went downhill from there. :evilgrin:

More importantly, nobody's been back since.

[Blue_Chill]

20. Tell them I am under the influence of Roman leaders

and that if they don't leave now I may not be responsible for what the pope makes me do.

[TlalocW]

21. I have a sign

I really, really treasure my privacy. I got rid of my normal phone and just use a cell now so I don't get telemarketer calls. I also hate people that I don't want over at my house coming over - like salespeople and evangelists - especially since I've been woken from naps by Mormons three times now!

So I've put up a sign that makes me look not only anti-social but hostile to door-to-door people - especially religion. It has a graphic of an outline of a man and woman holding a bible with one of those circle-bars around/through them. Underneath, it says:

-------------
No Solicitors!

This includes but is not limited to:

Girl Scout Cookie Sellers
Home Security Salespeople
Paper Deliverers
Anyone Wanting to Tell Me Why Their Religion Is Better than Mine*


If right now you’re thinking that for some reason you’re different, and I’ll be happy to see you and learn about what you’re selling… you’re wrong.
-------------

At the bottom, it says:

-------------
* Jehovah Witnesses are exceptions only if you’re prepared to talk about Deuteronomy 18:20-22 (false prophets) in relation to certain predictions that your church elders have made that did not come true.
** Mormons pretending to be Jehovah Witnesses will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.
-------------

So far, it's working, and my girlfriend and all my friends think it's pretty funny. :)

TlalocW

[twilight]

26. no solicitors sign here too

But ...

They still come around and act like they did not see the sign!!

So ...

I went to the local Catholic Church and took a bunch of their pamphlets on "The Catholic Church & EVIL".

When they come around I tell them that I have literature for them. That pamphlet on the Catholic Church & Evil is like tossing them a hot coal!

If they come back I simply tell them to go away and leave me the HELL alone!

:dem:

[TlalocW]

36. Let me know if you want a copy of my sign

I think the anti-social aspect mingled with the sarcasm and the threat of arguing their religion with them is what keeps them away. Or the mormons and JWs in Tulsa are just more considerate. Drop me a line in my inbox.

TlalocW

[Melsky]

22. I live in the desert on a dirt road

in a very remote area. Have not had that problem here yet.

When I lived in San Diego, I used to be able to see them as they made their way up the street and I would just not answer the door.

When I actually have ended up talking to them it's hard for me not to laugh.

[AnAmerican]

23. Ahh the joys of living in a key access apt. building :)

Never have to deal with em, or any other solicitors. :)

[TlalocW]

24. Other methods

An atheist friend of mine in college made the mistake of telling one of the Gideons who were handing out small bibles on campus one day that he was an atheist. The old man in the powder blue suit followed him across campus trying to save him. I think my friend eventually broke into a sprint to get away from him.

A friend of mine opened the door to a family of JW's (mom, dad, young daughter). After some small talk with their standing on the porch the conversation went along the lines of:

My friend: Oh, is this your daughter?
JW's: Yes.
My friend: Oh, she's so cute. (Bending down to talk to her). Little girl, did you know your mommy and daddy are in a cult? When you get older, I'll give you sanctuary if you can find your way back here.

The JW's quickly ran off the porch, got in the street, made some sort of "religious" sign towards the house, and went back and told the rest of the JW's at the local Kingdom Hall never to go to her house - at least that's what I'm guessing since she hasn't been bothered again.

TlalocW

[mac56]

25. Politely.

No reason to shame or humiliate them for following what their faith tells them to do. I smile nicely, thank them for stopping by, but tell them I'm really not interested. This has never failed me yet. I suspect more "in your face" confrontations get one moved to the top of their "MUST SAVE" list.

[Kamika]

27. Invite them in and talk and talk and talk and talk

And never let them leave.. just continue babble about anything

[notadmblnd]

28. Thats what I do

I have a stack of religious books and various versions of the bible. I get them out, I start referencing them when they begin on a subject. I debate them and I always have a question they cant answer. The last mormons that came here, left crying. My little JW lady Dorthy, comes by every couple of weeks, I always throw politics in with my arguement with her and steer the conversation away from converting me. I truly think she now comes to hear me talk about whats happening in the world. The last conversation we had I talked about how unchristian her org is and how it is our responsibility as Americans to be aware of what is going on and participate in the process.

[Too Smart To Fight]

30. Convert them to satanism,

and then follow them around, and every house they go to compete to get your religion more people.

[enough]

32. One day my husband was working on the roof

when some JW's showed up.

They saw in up there and asked him "Are they home?" thinking he was a contractor working on someone else's house.

He told them "no, they're not home," and they turned around and left. He thought it was odd that they didn't think the workman on the roof was worth converting, but the owners of the house were.

So now anytime we're working outside and the JW's show up, we just tell them "They're not home." It works like a charm.

And if we're indoors, we just don't answer.

[mlawson]

33. What door to door evangelists??

Seriously, they come to your DOOR??????

I don't think they even bother, where I live. Asheville mostly has its own, cafeteria style, 'New Age' religious philosophy. Every person seems to have their own version -- it's cool! :-)

[comradebillyboy]

34. don't deal with them-try i am buisy now so sorry good by and

shut the door. just like with telemarketers not interested thanks goodby click.

do not attempt to engage in a dialogue with these people

[Rabrrrrrr]

35. hee hee - I get to say something I really like saying to them,

especially the Jehova Witnesses: "Ooh, thanks for your zeal, but sorry - I'm a minister, and so's my partner. Perhaps you can convince the people next door?"

:-)

(I love your option Number 2!)

[Master Gracey]

37. What I want to do.

I want to get a whole group of friends together and secretly trail a group of Jehova's Witnesses. When they leave a door, someone else can go up to that door and ask the homeowner about another religion (Neopaganism, Scientology, Rosicrucianism, Wicca, etc). Once that person is done, someone else goes to door and does the same thing for another religion. I'd just love to see the look on people's faces when it gets to the third or fourth person. :evilgrin:

[Rabrrrrrr]

38. No - - - - no no no no - do it the other way!

When you see the JWs, go to the doors ahead of them, try to get a block ahead so they don't see you, so that by the time the JWs appear at Person A's house, Person A has already dealt with three annoying "evangelicals", so they'll be loaded for bear when the JW arrives, because after the third person, you know they're gonna turn to the spouse and say "I swear, if we get one more f-ing idiot this morning, I'm gonna kill 'em/call the cops/pee on 'em/answer the door naked with blue paint on, etc.!"

HA HA!!!

[supernova]

40. Oh that's good!

I'd pay money to see that!! ROLF!!

[Master Gracey]

41. BRAVO!!!

A very nice showing!! I might just have to rethink my strategy thanks to you. I have some friends who are more than willing to do it too. Between the five of us, we're very well-read on over 20 current and ancient religions (at least three of us can eloquently argue the points of more than 10).

And how about that other summertime group: the black-trouser, white-shirt, black-tie Bible salesmen on bikes? They're always in groups of two... so I want to get around 15 people together, all dress like that, and start chasing them on bikes of our own while shouting "2 dollars!!" (obvious reference to the movie Better Off Dead)

[Rabrrrrrr]

42. ROTFL!

I can just see you tagging along with 'em.

"Their Bibles are full of lies put in by their heretical church! Ours are genuine, and a dollar less!"

[ForrestGump]

51. Ah jus' gen'ly shewt 'em

wit' Clyde, mah scaytterguhn.....

[Az]

52. Always wanted to have a black mass

If you see some JWs in the neighborhood get some black robes, candles and other paraphenalia. Then when they come to the door open it and make sure they see a room full of black robed figures. Then look happy to see them. Say something along the lines of "Goodness, just what we were looking for, the master will be so pleased, do come in."

For bonus points answer the door naked.

[BiggJawn]

60. I give them their very own copy of "Kissing Hank's Ass"...

"Oh...For ME??? How nice, here, I have something for YOU to read, too. Not sure it's as nice as your "Watchtower", but hey, I'm just a small operation..."

Get your own copy here:

http://www.jhuger.com/kisshank.mv

[Rabrrrrrr]

65. ROTFLMAO!!

I almost spit water on my screen, I was laughing so hard - thank God I was able to spit back into the cup, becuase I surely couldn't swallow!

That is HILARIOUS and BRILLIANT!

I will not eat wieners with condiments, and will always make sure it's in a bun, never plain, nor with another wiener in the same bun...

[Augspies]

69. Oh.......My.......Hank?

That is great. I'm going to put some of those up around the neighborhood.

Jeremy

[Ramsey]

61. I tell them I'm an atheist

Not interested!! We tend to get Jehovah's Witnesses only here, they are pretty friendly really.

[LWolf]

64. The most effective response to date:

This really happened about 2 years ago. I was out in the back yard doing yardwork. My son left for work and accidentally locked me out of the house. I had cased the joint, so to speak, and found one window that wasn't locked. It was painted shut, but not locked. I couldn't budge the window. After 30 minutes, I went into the garage and got a crowbar. I was just coming around the corner by the front door when a group of men and women in ties opened my front gate and walked in. I stopped. They stopped and looked at the crowbar. They asked if I would like a watchtower, and if I had time to listen to their message, etc. I replied, "Sure. I need to break into this house first, though. If you could just help me get through the window, I'll probably have time to talk to you." They glanced at each other and replied, "Well, maybe today isn't the best time. We'll come back another day." And they rushed out and shut the gate behind them.

They didn't come back; since then, I put a lock on the gate.

[LibInternationalist]

66. one of my friends from high school

painted his face black, went out the back door around behind them (while his brother was talking to them), drew a circle around himself with lighter fluid, and lit it. That is the best response ever. period.

[PittPoliSci]

67. mostly jehovah's witnesses around here...

but i usually invite them in, give them coffee, food, and send them on their way. i feel good for being nice to them, but i know they're full of shit.

[SheIsNotMyFirstLady]

68. A few months ago two Jehovah's witnesses . . .

came knocking at my sister's door (I made the mistake of answering) and started in with their sermon. I remember I told them we didn't have time right now, and they shockingly replied, "You don't have time for Jesus?" Coincidentally, that was about the moment the door slammed in their faces. I felt bad, but what are you gonna do :shrug: ?

[opihimoimoi]

70. Pagans, You gatta tell um you from the Pagan tribe

animal sacrifice, humans too.

[TheReligiousLeft]

72. Evangelize right back

I wrote a 23 page intro to Christianity durring spring break (yeah, laugh if you want to) that is entitled Believe. I didn't leave out any of the messy stuff, Evolution, Historical Critical, Jesus being ate by Dogs those kind of things. So I act really nice to them and get them to leave with more material than they came with.
I have a friend who seduces the Mormon boys... If that helps.

[Forkboy]

73. I'd invite them in

and ask if they want to hear some Pig Destroyer,Cephalic Carnage or just some plain ole Slayer :)

[Dover]

74. " Well...I wondered when you sinners would get here. I have risen! "

...don't you recognise your Lord and Savior?! Why the puzzled looks? Does it surprise you that I would come back as an overweight female with gum disease? Can't you see that I am as you are...and that I walk among you?

Now go quickly and tell the others I have come! And bring me back a pizza and we'll feed 10,000!

[Robb]

75. "I don't need your 'god'..."

"Because after the accident, I can walk through walls and shoot fireballs out of my eyes!"

:)

Also, keep a little collection of those stripper cards they hand you in the street in Vegas by the door. Just hand them to the evangelist with the same fervor they hand them out in the street.

"Here ya go!!"

[Interrobang]

78. I don't usually yell at them...

There *were* extenuating circumstances... Usually, I'm a little more polite than that -- but just a little!