50 is larger than 48: Today's encounter with a Bushbot

[jmowreader]

I was off Sunday and a couple of my troops took the opportunity to rip the mast control cable out of my big reach. Today the Raymond guy came to fix it. (Incidentally, the Raymond guy's first name is Rush. This one's a Democrat.)

While the two of us were surveying the damage, a pickup covered with fairly scary propaganda (scripture stenciled down both sides, probably every Bush sticker ever printed on the tailgate, an "In Case of Rapture This Car Will Be Unmanned" bumper sticker, a cross for a hood ornament--I have GOT to start bringing my camera to work!) roars up. He screeched to a halt and got out. "Go inside, get me a sheet of plywood, cut it to fifty-by-fifty and bring it to me right now." Let's see...we don't sell things out the back door, we have more than one kind of plywood and I'm not a hound dog. Hmmm..."Sir, if you can park around front and walk into the store, I'd be more than pleased to help." He started bitching, but he did it.

Rush looked over and asked the very obvious question: "How in hell are you gonna get a 50-by-50 board out of a sheet of plywood?" I told him I'd go get a rope and another machine. "We'll just tie the board between two forklifts and stretch it right out. Works every time."

So I went inside and found the guy. "What size did you say you needed?" Fifty-by-fifty. "Sir, these boards are 48 inches wide."

I was expecting him to just tell me to put the board in the saw at an angle. Wrong! "Well, just set the saw to 50. It will work fine." Well...yeah, it will work in one direction, but the other way is 48 inches. "Why can't you cut a board to 50 inches?"

BECAUSE 48 IS SMALLER THAN 50, SIR!

I swear, when I am appointed CEO of my company, I will declare the phrase "you're being fucking stupid" to be an acceptable form of address for customers who really fucking need it.

[GOPisEvil]

1. Oh. My. God.

:rofl:

[maveric]

2. He probably thinks that 2+2=5.

[jmowreader]

7. In this state, I think it is

I can't count the number of people who can't read a ruler who shop here anyway. "Cut this to 17 inches and three lines" or "Cut this to 60 and four-eighths inches."

[punpirate]

3. Hmm...

... sounds like faith-based math, to me. :P

[Robb]

4. I think it was the Southwest Airlines guy..

...used to call that "firing the customer." When there's just nothing you can do to please some people, you basically tell them to get lost. :)

[GreenPartyVoter]

5. Oh, man. *lol*

[Der Blaue Engel]

6. C'mon, he should know 50 when he sees it...

After all, 50% of the country voted for Bush...right? Right?? Oh, my God, 48 IS 50!

[GOPisEvil]

8. I got it!!!

Cut the long side down to 50". Use the scraps to make a 50"-long piece 2" wide. Glue the strip to the big piece and voila.

[-..__...]

9. Should have cut him a 48"x50" piece...

then cut a 2"x50" piece, sold him a bottle of Elmers wood glue, a few bar clamps and sent him on his merry way... "Have a nice day, Sir".

[A HERETIC I AM]

10. jmowreader, you're just being an elitist, leftist, socialist snob!!!!!!!

NOW GO OUT BACK AND DEFY THE LAWS OF PHYSICS RIGHT THIS SECOND!!!!!

lol.....what a fucking tool, that guy was/is. You probably displayed the patience of a saint.

[jmowreader]

13. You've GOT to display the patience of a saint to work in retail lumber

This tale isn't quite funny enough to stand on its own, but you'll like it anyway.

This customer wanted to know why his new floor was bouncing up and down when you walk on it, and what the cheapest way to fix it would be. (I swear, if I never hear the word "cheap" again it will be too soon.)

"What's the floor in?" He had a real high ceiling in his garage, and he framed out a bonus room in the open area.

"What's the span?" What's span? (Hmmm...) "How far across is it?" Sixteen feet.

"How big are the floor joists?" What's a floor joist? (Oh shit.) "You ran boards on edge from one side of the room to the other, right?" Uh-huh. "Those are called floor joists. Do you know what kind of boards you used to make them?" Two-by-fours. Better: he's got half-inch OSB as his subfloor. Approximate dynamic load rating: maybe 15 pounds per square foot in the middle of it; maybe 45 psf static load if you hold your mouth right. A decent dynamic load rating for a floor is 80 psf.

I explained the concept of sistering joists--taking the 2x8s which are the bare minimum, or the 2x12s I would have actually used, and fastening them to the side of the 2x4s. Too expensive. I explained how he could put big timbers under it as supports. Too expensive. No, he wanted to put a 125-gallon aquarium up there as the centerpiece of his room, and if he spent money on wood he couldn't afford it. I told him he had to put something up there to support the floor or his couch would make it fall through, never mind the fact that he wanted to put a 1300-pound fish tank in the room. He left bitching about how I just wanted him to spend all this money when he didn't have to.

Now! This stupid motherfucker went across the street to Petsmart, paid damn near $900 for a 125-gallon aquarium and all the stuff he would need for it, set it up on this floor, and started putting water in it. And you guessed it: it broke the cheap-ass floor he built when there was about six inches of water in it. It didn't fall through, but it could have. So what's he do? He finds the wrong manager (the retired sergeant major I have told you about) to complain that I wouldn't tell him how to reinforce his floor. The manager didn't even call me; he just told the guy he did everything wrong and sent him on his way.

[A HERETIC I AM]

16. What a fucking nimrod!!!!

Too bad it didnt crash through the floor and land on something else he just bought that was REAL expensive. Like a New Jag or something.

[jmowreader]

18. What I was expecting to happen

1. Dipshit puts half-ton fish tank on 16-foot span built from 2x4 joists and half-inch OSB.

2. Three days later, fish tank falls completely through the floor and crushes his child, plus the neighbor's kid who was playing with him at the time.

3. Home Depot gets sued because we didn't do enough to save the children's lives.

4. I gotta buy a new pair of dress pants, have a jacket pressed, shine my good shoes, and spend a whole day waiting to sit on a fucking witness stand and tell a jury of this man's peers that the reason the children are dead is because the plaintiff built an illegal floor eight feet off the ground, the defendant told the plaintiff that it had to be fixed and exactly how to fix it, and the plaintiff chose to spend his money on a luxury item instead of correcting an obviously unsafe situation which he created himself. (And while Home Depot has a very good staff of corporate lawyers with extensive construction law experience, I must still pay for a pair of pants I won't wear again until the Christmas party.)

But fortunately for all concerned, he only cracked the fake joists. I don't know the outcome because he refuses to come back.

[Rabrrrrrr]

11. All you had to do was cut it down a negative two inches

That would have made it 50.

Jesus, it's like people don't know how to add.

:P

[progressoid]

12. This is how they balance the budget and find WMDs too

[Squeech]

14. Facts are stupid things

When I saw your headline, I imagined the story would be something about an idea being floated in Wingnuttia about jettisoning Alaska and Hawaii, because "back when this country was REALLY GREAT we only had 48 states!"

What kinda money do you think we could get Pooty-Poot to give us for Alaska? Bear in mind we bought it from them, 140-odd years ago, for about two cents an acre.

[BlueIris]

15. Some days, I could make out with collective DU.

That is a great story--I mean, I'm sorry you had to put up with that circus animal, but it totally made me laugh on this saddest of all mornings.

In fact, I'm still laughing. And I love your idea about making "you're fucking stupid" an acceptable form of address to the, er, fucking stupid. Nice.

[Kerrytravelers]

17. Thank God in Heaven he has Jesus to take care of him and he

doesn't have to have common sense and math to get through life!

These people must eat stupid for breakfast... and lunch... and dinner... and for snacks... and in their beers... and in their AIR!

[Deja Q]

19. No shock here. A smart talibornagain is hard to find.

Scripture is one thing, but I can spout off a lot of scripture too that would, in essence, damn * and most corporate executives to Hell and beyond.

(so save your Bibles; they might try to re-write them some day.)

[WilliamPitt]

20. So what happened?

Did the guy get some wood?

[VelmaD]

21. NO SEX THREADS!

:spank: