My mother makes me feel like a loser..any creative ways to say "Shut up!"?

[tjdee]

"What are you doing all day you can't clean the house?" Uh...working and taking care of a little kid by myself?

"If you don't have the money to pay for X,Y,Z, you need to go look for another job."

Upon hearing I'm getting a raise, which still won't net me a teacher's salary, she began the usual, never ending "you should be a nurse/teacher/cop because those are safe stable jobs and you make a lot of money--I looked in the paper today and they're interviewing for two teachers!" Certified teachers, which I'm not and have no interest in being. "Why don't you get certified? You're so lazy!"

She doesn't respect me as a parent at all, too many irritating examples to list...

And then she went and bought a $300 pool for us. Rather, for my daughter. And then she went home, gave me a hug, said "I love you, I'll call you later..."

:grr:

Hold me, LOL.

[Madrone]

1. Dang! Are we related?

I don't think shut up will do it. I had to move 2500 miles away before the negativity went away for me. Now she actually has nice things to say. :shrug:

[tjdee]

2. I live hours away as it is, LOL. What *is* it with parents?

I always have such a bad feeling after talking to her, and then she gets pissed that I don't want to talk to her on the phone!

We can't win!

[Madrone]

16. My mom was always a royal bitch to me.

I'm her ONLY child - and she never treated me like a human being - pretty much for as far back as I can remember.

And the negativity? Good god - the negativity! To this day I have no tolerance for negative people.

When I moved 2500 miles away - things suddenly changed with her attitude towards me. I can't figure it out.

I don't know if there is anything you can do, hon. These people are unlikely to change at this point - my mother is still negative, just less so towards me. I feel for ya though - although I know that doesn't help much. :hug:

I'm sorry.

[Sanity Claws]

3. Sometimes no response is the best

Yes, she is saying horrible things. Don't jump at the bait. You can silently go about what you were doing and ignore her. You answer her when she something nice to say. Train her to respect you. If she is untrainable, a separation for a time period may be in order.
Something has to be done to break what seems to be a pattern that has existed to date between the two of you.

[tjdee]

5. Then I'm not "respecting" her.

I've started saying as little, but then she says I'm being "childish" because I can't answer "simple questions" and I'm just "sitting there". Another good one is "I'm your mother tjdee, show me some respect".

She's always been like this, but it's gotten worse after I had a kid, and is just getting worse. :shrug:

[Sanity Claws]

9. She's very hurtful

Can you respond by saying, "I've got yo get off the phone now. I hear the baby crying. Bye, Mom."
Or how about, "Mom, of course I respect you. That's why I haven't hung up on you even though you keep calling me a worthless human being. I expect some respect too."
Or try combining the two.
It's got to stop.

[Frances]

13. From the Mom's point of view

I think In Search of Sanity is giving good advice.

Please remember that your mom is probably talking to you just the way her mom talked to her.

I am very fortunate in that I have a daughter who is very open and honest with me. She is able to tell me what she thinks and feels in a very matter of fact, non-judgmental way. For example, if I make a suggestion that she doesn't like, she'll say something like this, "You know, I need someone to empathize with me, not solve my problem. Could you try that approach?" She asks in such a reasonable and nice way that I then try to do what she asks. A lot of time I will then say something like, "You do have a tough problem. I am sure you will figure out a way to solve it. If there is anything you think I could do to help, please tell me."

[tjdee]

32. That's a good point...

I have started to notice that there are some things I have to learn now because I wasn't taught by my mom...and she wasn't taught by her mom, who wasn't taught by her mom....


I'm hoping because I realize that, my daughter and I will have a relationship like you have with your daughter.

[OldLeftieLawyer]

4. Oh, honey ................

I'm giving you a BIG hug ----> :hug:

I'm not going to defend your mother's words. I know how hurtful they are, I really do, and if I tell you that she's speaking out of fear and frustration - fear that you're going to have an even harder time than you're already having (as she sees it) and frustration (that she can't fix it for you like she could when you were little) - you won't believe me. I wouldn't blame you.

She really loves you, I am sure. Otherwise, why would she take the time to dump on you?

Here's how you handle it (because this is exactly what I had to deal with in my own family): you talk to her on the phone, and as soon as she starts going negative, you make up some excuse (yeah, you lie), and get off the phone.

It's that simple. You do NOT listen to her bullshit. You do NOT let her talk to you that way. You do NOT need to confront her directly on it because - trust me on this - she won't believe a word you say. "Me? I don't criticize you. I love you. I only want what's best for you."

It's like training a dog not to pee on the floor. That slap on the muzzle with the newspaper? This is the same principle. You stop her dead in her tracks when she starts with you - and I mean, you get off the phone and end the conversation in seconds, not minutes. You STOP her.

That'll be fifty dollars, please.

Here's another hug, sweetie ---------> :hug:

[benddem]

12. please explain

how- why- people who love people want to hurt, dump on, tease people they love? This woman does this cause this is what she was taught.
This is how her parents treated her and she thinks it is normal and probably an extension of her low self esteem.
The way to handle it aside from moving to another continent and cutting off all communication is to not give her any ammunition.
Don't let your child give her any ammunition.
Ask her when she say's hurtful things "Why do you say this?" "Where did you get that information...idea?" and don't answer her questions. You need to keep reinforcing the idea that what she is doing isn't helpful...it hurts.
If that fails turn the questions back to her?

[OldLeftieLawyer]

18. That's not going to work

The problem you're missing is that the mother doesn't see what she's doing as hurtful. She honestly believes she's trying to help.

You didn't read my post carefully. Try it again.

Confrontation in a situation like this is absolutely futile.

[tjdee]

15. I believe that...

She's had a rough life, and I know she wants me to do better. That's part of the reason I feel so badly when she leaves/gets off the phone. A large part of me is really angry and upset that she treats me like that, but then I feel guilty.

You might be on to something with not confronting her directly on it. As I was saying above to 'in search of sanity', I have been trying to lay low with her, but when I do start talking, I confront her about what she's saying--and you're right. She doesn't get it.

Thanks for the hugs, I need them!

[OldLeftieLawyer]

19. I understand

It's not surprising that your mother has had a rough life. I understand that completely, and it just clarifies her behavior.

That said, I, as a mother and as a daughter, and as a mother of daughters, am going to tell you a major and serious truth that you're going to repeat to yourself every day until they are a part of you. Ready?

Here is it:

"I did not cause the hardships in my Mother's life and I owe her nothing just because she had a hard life."

Sound harsh? Perhaps. But getting set free can sometimes be a painful process.

Sound mean? That's what you've been trying to avoid, because you don't want to be "selfish." Well, let me tell you something, honey - the only way to take good care of yourself is to be self-interested.

I would rather die than have my daughters feel burdened by the errors of my life, and if I thought the story of my life's difficulties were getting in the way of my girls being happy, I would consider myself to have failed as a mother.

Remember: "I did not cause the hardships in my Mother's life and I owe her nothing just because she had a hard life."

You'll see with your kid. You'll see.

[Gormy Cuss]

22. Avoid confrontation

My mother would try to get a rise out of her adult kids whenever she was feeling neglected. Some of my other sisters never evolved from the criticizing mother mode with her. I just stopped taking the bait. It helps to visualize her as a small child without appropriate ways of communicating. You'd be surprised how easy it is to maintain control of the conversation when you reverse roles and act like the parent.

Oh and it didn't work overnight, but once it worked she started treating me like her proud accomplishment and let the housework and other issues slide. We had a great relationship for the rest of her life.

[marions ghost]

24. yes I agree, good advice OLL

Don't argue or try to talk sense into this mother. But EVERYTIME she starts with whatever you don't want to hear -- immediately have something to do, change the subject, politely leave. Don't create any friction, no extra body language--no nothing. Just exit in some socially acceptable way. Eventually you will train her that you won't listen to that line of thought and she will cease and desist. But you have to be very consistent in her "training." This really does work. Do not put up with this. Take control.

[silverweb]

6. My sympathies.

I know exactly how you feel. I put up with that crap for years, then moved 3000 miles away; but I know such a move is not possible for everyone.

The best thing I found to shut someone like that up is to keep as much personal distance as possible. Don't discuss personal business and don't confide, because it just gives her ammunition for later. Then, when absolutely necessary, just say something along the line of, "Of course. You're absolutely right about everything, as always." That either shuts her up and pisses her off royally at the same time -- or sends her on a complete hysterical rampage that I can just walk away from/ignore.

:evilgrin:

Of course, I don't expect money or gifts, either. Thankfully, my kids are now grown and even she can't criticize the way either one of them turned out.

[ghostsofgiants]

7. "Would ya stifle dere, dingbat?" is a classic

[Seabiscuit]

8. How about: "Excuse me, Mum, I'm off to the pub for a few pints."

[Seabiscuit]

10. Or: "Thumper? What did your father tell you this morning?"

"If you can't say something nice, don't say nothin' at all."

[xmas74]

11. Same here.

I have always dealt w/ that. It has gotten so much worse since I had a child of my own.
I think that the best thing for me will be to eventually move-far away. Alaska might work.

[ayeshahaqqiqa]

14. Just because Mom says it doesn't make it true

I had a similar problem for years. Two things helped me: moving away from my mother so I didn't have to see her regularly, and using spiritual practices to build my self-esteem. I've found that, as years go on and my mother has gotten older and more dependent on her children, the complaints and criticism has decreased markedly.

[Shoeempress]

17. Sounds like my Mom, only I don't have children. That combined with the

horror of me being a Dem, and we haven't spoken since at least 94. Best years of my life since 94 and I am not joking. People, and despite all evidence to the contrary, bad Moms are people too, will treat you badly because they are jerks. It is all power and control, in my opinion. You can either hang in and try to salvage the relationship, or bail. You have what I did not, a trump card in your daughter. Anytime she says something rotten, ask her to leave immediately because you don't want that type of behavior around your daughter. And then make her leave, if you are at her place, get up and leave. Period, no apology, no allowing her to claim she does not know what you are talking about, she does so don't let her manipulate you like that. Let her call and apologize and then you can tell her you will no longer be treated that way by her, or she won't be allowed around your daughter as it is detrimental to her. Don't let her argue about your new rule, this is the way it is period. If you let anyone treat you badly, they will. And good luck, I envy people who have good relations with their family, only wish my folks didn't totally SUCK.

[SoCalDem]

20. Passive/Aggressive..You need to MOVE.....far away..

It never "gets better".. The only way you will ever feel "grown up" and adult, is when you are no longer under her influence.

This will eat at you and eat at you, and you will probably never feel "good enough" for her tastes.. It WILL rub off on your kids..

[left is right]

21. When my mom used to butt in

I would say, "You are probably right." and then go on about my business. this line never committed me to any particular action; she, thinking she had won the argument, would move on and it allowed her some dignity.
However your mother's point about getting another job so that you can afford things needs to be addressed more directly. As a single mom, your time with your daughter is already limited. A second job will limit it even more. That time is precious. But there is also the issue of additional child care. You would have difficulty finding quality care for what would be after the normal business hours for the childcare industry. And, even if you could find quality care you probably couldn't afford it. The end results of a second job would be that you would be working just to pay the childcare cost and someone else would be raising your child. If on the other hand, she means a different job that would probably mean post-secondary education another expense burden. It would be worth it in the long-run but in the short-term, it may be too difficult to manage. Stand your ground on job related issues--unless she offers substantial monetary and emotional support.

[bamademo]

23. This is interesting to me...

...I love my Mother but I don't like her. We're used to crazy relatives in the South but my Mother is straight out of a Tennessee Williams novel. Every night she takes a Xanax and drinks 2 bottles of cheap Andre champagne over crushed ice in crystal goblets. My friends tease me because every time she met one of them she asked "Who are your people?" She's truly one demented Southern Belle.
She's sort of like Vivie in Ya Ya Sisters but at least Vivie had some insight. I could go on and on but I don't want to deal with my aging parents because they have the most disgusting personal habits. I feel horrible because I have to go check on them and take care of them and I just don't want to be around them.

[OldLeftieLawyer]

28. Do NOT feel bad

You're impressive, and I salute you. Taking care of people who haven't treated you well is a kind of charity that I know I would not be able to extend.

You're giving better than you got, and I hope you find a way to ease up on yourself and - this is my most fervent wish - that you could emotionally distance yourself from all of it.

Then you should just be happy and healthy.

[tjdee]

31. That's so great because you go anyway.

You're a good person to do that.

[Frances]

33. Your post brought back so many memories

I thought all Southern mothers wanted to know about "your people."

When one of my daughters became engaged to a guy from the Netherlands, my husband wanted to know what my family thought. I said, "They think the same thing that they thought when I married you."

My husband answered, "But my father was born in this country."

I replied, "But your grandfather wasn't. Where I come from, one or two generations in this country means you are a newcomer."

My English professor told the story of a young woman who brought her fiance home from Auburn University to meet her grandmother, who, of course, wanted to know where the young man was from. "Birmingham," the young man answered. The grandmother sniffed, "I have a mule older than Birmingham."

[hickman1937]

25. You have to make a choice. The reason that what she says

hurts is either because you, in your heart, agree, or because you are still looking for her approval. Either way you've got to realize that changing her is risky business. Changing how you hear her is easier. I had to finally realize that the crap I was hearing had no real value. It didn't pay the bills, help raise my kids, or improve my life in any way. Life is too short. In my case it was my brothers and sisters that saw me as a loser. I left. I came back after a few years, but their opinion no longer had an effect on me. I see them as basically good hearted people, lost in their own agendas, and their opinions don't really touch me.

[Wapsie B]

26. My Dad is like that.

I can relate to your story oh so well. They just don't have a clue.

[Jara sang]

27. Interject "the fuck" between "shut" and "up". n/t

:P

[tjdee]

29. Thank you everyone!

It felt good getting it out...and I feel better that I'm not the only one.

[Ladyhawk]

30. I think we're related.

My mother is one of the reasons I never considered having kids.