Do You Think Gay Couples Fight Differently?

[mondo joe]

Dr John Gottman's 12 year study (http://www.gottman.com/research/projects/gaylesbian/)of gay couples revealed interesting differences between gay, hetero and lesbian couples. Some of those differences are listed below.

Do you agree?

* Gay/lesbian couples are more upbeat in the face of conflict -
Compared to straight couples, gay and lesbian couples use more affection and humor when they bring up a disagreement, and partners are more positive in how they receive it. Gay and lesbian couples are also more likely to remain positive after a disagreement.

* Gay/lesbian couples use fewer controlling, hostile emotional tactics -
Gottman and Levenson also discovered that gay and lesbian partners display less belligerence, domineering and fear with each other than straight couples do. "The difference on these ‘control’ related emotions suggests that fairness and power-sharing between the partners is more important and more common in gay and lesbian relationships than in straight ones," Gottman explained.

* In a fight, gay and lesbian couples take it less personally -
In straight couples, it is easier to hurt a partner with a negative comment than to make one’s partner feel good with a positive comment. This appears to be reversed in gay and lesbian couples. Gay and lesbian partners’ positive comments have more impact on feeling good, while their negative comments are less likely to produce hurt feelings. "This trend suggests that gay and lesbian partners have a tendency to accept some degree of negativity without taking it personally," observes Gottman.

* In a fight, lesbians show more anger, humor, excitement and interest than conflicting gay men -
This suggests that lesbians are more emotionally expressive—positively and negatively—than gay men. This result may be the effect of having two women in a relationship. Both have been raised in a society where expressiveness is more acceptable for women than for men, and it shows up in their relationships.

* Gay men need to be especially careful to avoid negativity in conflict -
When it comes to repair, gay couples differ from straight and lesbian couples. If the initiator of conflict in a gay relationship becomes too negative, his partner is not able to repair as effectively as lesbian or straight partners. "This suggests that gay men may need extra help to offset the impact of negative emotions that inevitably come along when couples fight," explains Gottman.

[Lucky Luciano]

1. I haven't got a clue if I can agree with this...

but they are generalizations that would be ripped apart in this forum if the opposite conclusions were published.

[Terran]

2. I agree with most of it

well, the parts about male couples, since I'm in one and have had plenty of "discussions" over the years. We do tend to handle conflict well, but I know some couples, male and female, who are absolute idiots about it. Therefore, I don't know if these generalizations can really be applied across the board. I think that a significant minority of gay men and Lesbians and all other non-standard gender/sex types are a little more delicate emotionally, because of what they've been put through by their culture and families. Balancing this out is the fact that same-sex couples, I think, understand their own gender's behavior better than almost any member of a hetero couple would understand the opposite gender's behavior.

[mondo joe]

8. My living situation is like a test case for his study -- 3 houses next to

each other who do most things together - 1 lesbian couple, 1 gay couple, 1 hetero couple.

And I'd say in comparison to one another we confirm his study.

[unsavedtrash]

3. this lesbian says, "bullshit!"

:eyes: :rofl:

[Kire]

4. didn't you hear those commercials on Air America Radio?

apparently, they're exactly the same

[Kire]

5. "This suggests that gay men may need extra help"

did he actually say that?

who is this Gottman fellow?

[mondo joe]

7. Yeah, but he also says gay couples excel in other ways.

[Skittles]

6. not the gay couples I have known

they sound like any other couple to me

[Placebo]

9. Difficult to see, the dark side is.

:P

But seriously, I don't notice much of a difference between the two.

If anything I think I was harsher on my boyfriends than my girl-friends are on theirs, or guy-friends are on their girlfriends.

So...who can say? :shrug:

[sasquatch]

10. Yeah I have yet to see the "cops" where they show up at the gay's trailer

With their 14 waterhead babies poking their heads out in the background when the police arrive because of a complaint has been aired.

[Rowdyboy]

11. I don't tend to agree with stereotypes, but there may be some truth here

Certainly in my own case. My partner and I had what was (for us) a pretty big conflict tonight which never got nasty, personal or out of hand. We're going on a vacation with his ex-wife and members of her family and he agreed to stay with them in his ex-sister in laws condo. I really like these people, but I don't share his 35 year history with them and I want a hotel room just for the two of us. Three nights is too long for me to give up my privacy.

He committed me to something he probably knew I would not be comfortable with. I was upfront with my feelings. Tomorrow, I'll call his ex and see what we can work out. Case closed, no hurt feelings, no one sleeps on the couch. We'll have a great time, I'll meet new people and in the end, it'll be fun.